William

Wow. When I left you last, I was on the verge of giving birth. And now it's 5 months later and my beautiful boy is growing so fast I haven't had the time to write it all down like I promised I would.

Right now it's 12.20am and I can hear him babbling in the other room. Such sweet sounds frm my baby.

I miss his new-born Ness.  He is now well and truly a baby. Not the tiny little parcel of love that came out in literally 4 pushes. So surprisingly quick that I could not believe my eyes when his beautiful body was placed on me.

And how has time flown so fast that the days of wrapping and swaddling are gone and he's now in a sleeping bag. The gorgeous smell of newborn baby washed away as he's begun to become aware, finding his fingers and staring at his toes as if to say 'what are those things!'

He just started eating solids. Gobbling down almost anything! His first taste being apple, sweet potato and pumpkin left over from a friend's one year old's pouch of Rafferty's. This was quickly followed by a French fry dipped in hummus!

As I wait for him to settle himself to sleep I can't quite believe how happy I am to have him. All the drama of those last week's of pregnancy have disappeared and I am a mother again. I love it and each stage that is reached by him makes me miss the earlier stages. I want those first few weeks of his life back. To sit and snuggle and never let him go.

He is a beautiful, beautiful baby. Both my babies have been but after all that had happened, it is amazing to me that I am privileged enough to have him in my life.

I love his soft downy head with baby hair fuzz. I rub and kiss it like a good luck charm. I stare at his beautiful eyes, which were first blue then gunmetal and now brownish. His chubby legs actively kicking and getting ready to crawl and walk and run.

5 months have flown by and I miss his newborn days so precious and fleeting.

Welcome to the world!

So, not much did happen after 9.15am when the epidural went in. It was very slow goings. The doc came by mid morning and said i still wasn't dilating very fast and delivery may be around midnight. Sigh.... Anyways, a whole day of just waiting went by. I was bed bound of course but slept and rested, watched some TV.

When dinner came around 6, i couldn't eat it, and after that, anything i put in my mouth came up again so i decided to leave it alone. I started to feel a teeny bit of pain and the anasthegiologist came by to top up my epidural. Still a little bit of pain. A nurse came by afterwards to readjust the baby monitor and took so long to find the baby again, she started to wonder if something was going on. She decided to check if i was dilated and i had all of a sudden gone from 4cm to 9cm! Almost ready to push! By 9.30 the midwives were hanging about and did 3 practice pushes with me. Then told me to wait until the Dr came by. I prepared myself for a couple hours of pushing and wondered why the doc would be there so early.

10.30pm, the Dr shows up, puts on his rubber boots and gets settled. Here we go. With a mighty yell he says a contraction is coming and to push really hard for 10 counts. We do that 3 times and then on the 4th push, all of a sudden my little man pops out and is put on my lap. It is 10.43pm on the 16th of December. I can not believe it. He is beautiful, perfect. Welcome to the world. Weight 2.58kg. He is my tiny little miracle.

I love my anesthesiologist!

9.15. The epidural is in. It's all happening and I can't believe that I'm finally saying that I'm feeling a bit of excitement now.

We had a second dose of prostin around 5.30am. I had been feeling contractions for a while and they were 5 minutes apart but my cervix was still long and only 1cm dilated. So they put another dose into me and left me to my own devices.

The contractions were painful but not as bad as I thought so i had a snooze and before I knew it, my perky anesthesiologist was here and it was all happening. I don't know how long it'll take from now. With my darling daughter it was 5 or 6 hours til delivery. Maybe this one will be faster and easier. I can only hope!

So difference between first and second child. Last time my dear husband was by my side holding my hand when the epidural went in. This time... Sitting in the armchair on his laptop hardly even looking up during the while thing.

Now I'm gonna watch a movie and relax until it's time to push. I so hope it doesn't take too long!

Tonight is the night.

So here I am. Back in the hospital but this time I'm here to have the baby. We are having an induction at week 37 + 2 days. It was a bit of a ringmarole to get here but here we are.

It's 12.45am and they just unceremoniously shoved a tablet (prostin) into my vagina and told me no walking about for two hours. Gee thanks! I just drank a whole freaking bottle of water before leaving home.

They will b back around 5.30 to decide if I need another tablet.

So night night. I'm gonna try and get some sleep and hope that all goes well. It's been such a horrible and bizarre road to get here, I'm a bit afraid of what's to come. But this kids coming out somehow. So I best get as much rest as possible.

Friday night and all is well...

I got out of hospital on Tuesday and spent Wednesday and Thursday in such a frenzy that I can't even remember most of those days. I wanted to be back in the hospital because the anxiousness I was feeling was overwhelming, frightening and I just could not cope being out. I felt like vomitting at every meal and I almost went back to the hospital just so i could feel safe and secure. Those were horrible, horrible days and the nights even worse.

Tuesday night I got up at 3am and and never went back to sleep. Wed was worst. I got 45 min of sleep total. That's because i had seen another psychiatrist who specialises in prenatal depression and gotten new drugs off her. One of which was supposed to be a sleeping pill but after being awake all night, i decided to google it and it was a drug for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Not taking that one again!

Thursday was spent in a haze of tiredness. It was horrible and very hard to tell what was caused by depression/anxiety and what was caused because I was just downright tired. Thursday night came along and I decided to try these antihistimines, another drug from the new psychiatrist. i had taken half a dose at mid day and that zonked me out the rest of the day, i could not function or even help my darling daughter with her homework. I took it in hopes of getting some sleep. And I did. I was asleep more than awake and that was good enough for me. Still up every hour but better.

Then today, though i spent most of the morning in a tired haze, i went to see the new psychiatrist again, I had started to feel more like myself again. She said obviously the night medicine didn't work. And yes, in larger doses it is used for schitzophrenia, but with the dose i was taking, it was more of a sedative. (i'll be honest when i say, i think i needed sedating). Taking the antihistimine instead was fine.

Next stop was my endocrinologist who really, must think i'm the biggest nut case. (All my doctors must think so, i had been emailing them and harrassing them to no end with the hope of being admitted again.) I had them take off this continuous glucose monitoring device that i was wearing. It had a little plastic needle embedded into my belly and hooked up to this beeper device. Had it put in when i was in hospital but i couldn't stand it no more and ended up at the hospital to have it removed. Had a chat to the doc about my blood levels and what to do from there. We agreed i could try to be drug free for the weekend and see how it goes. If it doesn't get better, it's back on metformin for me. I seriously hope i can do drug free.

You see, the insanity of the last 2 nights were such that my lovely mother in law and I had spent two nights praying. Yesterday, she and darling husband were commenting on how much better i was though i didn't feel it, feeling so tired and out of it from the drugs and everything. And today. I'm loving today.

Today! Starting after i saw my endocrinologist... is the first time in weeks that i felt like myself again. And it didn't just last for an hour. It's been all day. I am so grateful and thankful. It is so nice to be back to myself. I pottered around the house. I could sit still for over 10 minutes and take in the view. I wasn't anxious and pacing everywhere. I did not need to prick my finger a hundred times to see my blood sugar (the device that was embedded into me and marked a trend where i'm pretty safe except after mealtimes when the blood sugar spikes).

Also decided that it'd be better for me not to take my anti nausea tablets. You google enough about a drug and you just know that it can't be good for you. And you know what, not much nausea except late afternoon when i took a quarter of a tab of the antihistimine which also works to settle the stomach.

Can not believe it. So unbelievably happy to be back to myself. So grateful and joyous. I have missed me. I have missed me terribly!

So praying for another night of sleep. and continued my-self-ness. If this could be then i might just make it to 38 weeks when the baby will be delivered. And more than that, i might just be ready to look after another little person.

Admitted

Babies are a miracle. They are these tiny little things that just popped out of a person's belly and are allovasudden thrust into the world and expected to live and survive. They are amazing. I say this as I walked down the halls of Raffles Hospital where, yes folks, I've been admitted and am spending another night.

Reason? Well, I guess there is not much wrong with me. Everything seems to be going well. Just that yesterday, it was aweful. Nausea, vomitting, feeling so anxious and outrageously incompetent of keeping myself together that I finally emailed my doctors and here i am. Cost of ignoring my day to day responsibilities for a day or two? Who the hell knows. I bet it'll be over $5k. But you know what, keeping me safe... Priceless.

So back to babies who are a miracle. They are amazing and I have one growing in my belly. I have one which is a gift of God. How could I not be amazed myself and grateful that I been given this little person to take care of! I need to remember that. I've walked down these halls and seen these little miracles, cuddled in ecstatic grandparents arms, with new parents and they are just the sweetest little blessings you can imagine. Who do i have to be so down and depressed about.

Met a new psychiatrist today and she is gorgeous. Mum of 3, though not looking nearly old enough to have even one. She spent a bit of time with me reminding me to be grateful and telling to try and think of a plan of what I need to do rather than feeling overwhelmed by everything. She's not big on drugs which is great for me. And the session did help me. I just think it might just take more time now to retrain my thinking and get myself back to what I used to be.

But i need to do this. I have to do this for myself, my family, my gorgeous child and for everyone who loves me.

I am so lucky to have the things i have. And it is possible. Anything is possible. She shared with me stories of so many people who have done it tougher than me and have become so successful. I need to remember that that is possible for me. I am not trapped. My life is not over just because i'm having another little one. Life can be good and I can enjoy it all again.

I just need to decide to do so and then try. Try harder than i have been. To be grateful and willing to just try to be positive instead of negative. The little miracle inside me depends on it.

Nothing really changes on this planet called crazy...

So went to get a blood test and see the doc today. Poor guy... He made room in his schedule just to see me and tell me that everything is really as it should (according to my bloods) and that it's probably all due to my anxiety issues. You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, all this crazy is because i feel, um.... CRAZY? 

I know it sounds weird but i was hoping there was some other reasonable medical explanation for all this instead of me being anxious and needy. I was hoping there was something that i could take a magic pill or shot and it would fix itself up. To know that it's just me being full of anxiety is a bit funny to me because, really, i'm usually so in control. This is not like me. It is not rational. It is not right. It downright pisses me off!

But it is the way it is. And the day was somewhat the same. After feeling so fab last night and most of the morning (hullo placebo about seeing the doctor), I had my usual crazies throughout the day and really, i'm over it. They say it could be my body getting used to lower blood sugar levels. Probably right, though i've been at it 3 weeks now and not much has changed. I'm an addict. To sugar. Hi addict, can you believe it. I almost lost it when darling husband refused to share a sip. Just one sip of his coca-cola. What the hell! So not fair.

But life's not fair. Thank God that it's not alot worse for me because, even though this seems like the worst. It could still be worst. And i should be grateful. As i was last night. Grateful that i have people who love me. And the best friends in the world. Ones who will take my darling child off my hands for hours on end just to help me out. And family. Loving, fabulous family who would drop everything just to be with me and help me through this.

But you know, i'm still a little pissed off. I'm just going to be! Hopefully soon i can let it go and get on with living.

Crazy

In a word... That's what i am right now... Crazy!

People talk about Prenatal or Postnatal depression and if this is what it's like, it is absolutely miserable. I'm miserable. I spend so much time pacing and telling myself to keep it together, it's not even funny.

After being prescribed antidepressants to help me sleep, I took them for maybe 4 days and it was supposed to help me sleep along with some drug that is the equivalent to Ambien. But I've stopped the antidepressents because it was making my head foggy all day long. Thank God I slept all last night with only the Ambien.

This is horrible. My parents are worried, my husband is worried, even my sweet little child is worried. I've tried not to freak out in front of her. I've really tried but sometimes I just can't stop it.
Never understood depressed individuals until now. Now it's like.... Ooooooooh. This is aweful. Utterly and miserably aweful.

I've tried praying and that totally helps. The belief in a Higher Power for help and relief is a powerful thing. I'm convinced that's why I was able to sleep all last night. Still, there are the days now. And i can't be on my own. I just can't! I'm scared of what may happen. What's to come. What I may do. I'm terrified.

My dad says I need to accept that I can't control everything and I should start getting better but it will take some time. I don't know if i have time!

My mum says i need to snap out of it. But how. HOW. If i knew, i would!

Poor hubby watches me as I go through my crazies and crying when I can and looks so worried and I hate myself for putting all the people I love through this. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to stop the madness and make myself better.

I'm miserable. Miserable! And totally crazy.

Most unusual

It is most unusual. Right now. It is 10.30pm and i'm not tired. It is 10.30pm and I'm awake and tired but not sleepy. Not freaking out, not having my pre sleep terrors. Not wanting to have my sleeping pill or freaking out about whether or not i should. It is weird. Just weird. Of course, i need to accept that it all may be about to come about, just an hour later because I had my snack later tonight.

But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.

Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.

Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...

In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.

Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.

I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.

I'm freaking out, Jerry!

Gone are the days where as college students we would gather every Thursday for must see TV and giggle at Seinfeld. Ah those carefree days. Those fun, mostly worry free days of fun and laughter. All we were responsible for was to study and for some of us, even that was debatable (not me of course).

So now when i say I'm freaking out, Jerry! I mean it. I am freaking out, Jerry.

My nights go like this.... About 8pm, i'm just about comotose, propping eyes open so i can stay up to take my blood glucose reading, inject myself with insulin and have my evening snack. By 9, I have done all of those and am dozing on and off while trying to watch TV. Trying and failing to stay awake so I can sleep later. If i were to turn the TV off and just accept the sleepiness, my slumber is not complete because with the TV off, i'm left to my own brain devices.

Between 10 and 11, the same continues. By midnight, I am wide awake. Freaking out. Thinking things and worrying. Frantic, psychotic, crazy. Hungry. because by then the snack and dinner has worn off. Hungry, thirsty and just silly enough to drink a whole mug of camomile tea because i think it might help. And it does but then i have to contend with bladder issues for the rest of the freaking night!

The AM hours roll around and as my household sleeps peacefully in separate bedrooms.  Yes, poor hubby is sleeping in the office for me and my 20 something pillows need the whole bed to ourselves... though probably best that I don't subject him to my freaking out as it continues. Past 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. and around that time, its time to give up. Some nights if i'm lucky i'll get in an hour or two of sleep here and there between those hours.

It's miserable and tiring. The days are long and you can imagine how i'm feeling all day only to have another night like this to look forward to. Nothing seems to help. I'm freaking out, Jerry and nothing I do seems to stop it!

Calm down, you say. What can be so horrible, you wonder. And yes, i wonder too. I'm just a freaking out kind of girl.

This night after sneaking in a whole half hour of blissful sleep, I went to go back to sleep and the very thought of meals for the next day set me of on a tailspin of thinking and worrying and freaking. There is too much to do. Too much to feel. Too much that i can't control or if i can, it's so much effort and all too hard.

But it shouldn't be. I'm a grown woman. I am 40 and I am smart and usually very self sufficient. What has turned me into this miserable mess of a person. Tonight, i was pacing my room, talking to myself, telling myself it would be ok. Telling myself not to worry. Did i listen to myself? Nope! I was pacing and crazy. About to tear things apart and go nuts. Oh i'm a nutcase alright. And panic rises about me all the time and I try. I try to squash it with rational thoughts like... Do things one at a time. It's not so hard if you do it bit by bit.

I try. I really try. to leave the worry behind. Focus on the precious cargo inside me. He will make it all worth it, won't he? So the diabetes food, the meals, the stress, the anguish. It should be a small matter. A little inconvenience compared to the great joy he will bring me in only 8 short weeks.
Can i pull it together? Can i keep my sanity for 8 more weeks? Can i choke down any more tasteless chicken breast, stick myself full of hundreds of more needles. I don't know.

What has gotten me in to such a flap? Maybe if i listed them, I would laugh and be able to get some perspective.

1. Gestational diabetes and the need to feed myself certain things at certain times. I'm all about food so this is tough for me. 3 meals a day of some sort of carb, some lean meat (goodness, i hate chicken breast now), some veg. 3 snacks of dry cracker and milk. That's it. That's all i get. And for goodness sake, this ex food writer, foodie, obsessive about food kind of girl is not coping with this. Not coping at all! Not to mention the medications, the food counting, the blood sugar readings. It's all so much for me all at once. As if everything else wasn't enough. This is a major change in my lifestyle.

2. Looking after my daughter when all i want to do is sleep but then i can't sleep but then i'm so muddle headed i can't do anything right. Poor child deserves better! This is the last chance for her and I to spend as much time as we can together and i'm wasting it by feeling sick. Not wanting to leave the house for fear that i'll feel tired and unable to stay awake during the day. This worry extends to getting her ready for school. Making sure she's fed. Her homework. School starts for her again this monday and there will be much to do. How will i do it all!?

3. Moving house. Yes. we are, in 2 weeks. We love to push all these stressful things together, don't we? What are we nuts! I'll be 32 weeks pregnant by then! But move we must. So i stress about the move. Have decided to have the movers pack us. Phew. But hubby wants to paint the new place, get curtains, I'm surprised he doesn't insist on ripping out the bathroom and redoing that too! But the good news is that once we've moved, I can truly start nesting.

4. Hubby. Poor, poor man having this nutcase to contend with. Along with work and moving house and everything else. I have become a spineless, thoughtless child constantly whining and asking him what to do. Calling him up at work to freak out about some stupid thing. Begging him not to travel for fear that I'll go crazy. It's just not fair for him and i worry that the weight of me will crush him and he will never recover. But i'm useless and can't stop bothering him. God, i love this man. I love him so much and hope he'll forgive me for being such a spineless bothersome creature.

5. Sleep. This sleep schedule can't be good. It ruins my days and nights are horrible. Though i guess i need to get used to night feedings. But even those can't be as bad as these nights!

6. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!! and we are not prepared. We have nothing for the child except for a couple bonds singlets that i ordered online. We have lots of things that i've gotten from friends coming to us but still. I am unprepared, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am not ready! and with my medical conditions, this boy is coming 2 weeks earlier and I AM NOT PREPARED!!!

7. Money, money, money. It is definately NOT sunny in my world. This could very well ruin us financially. Ruin us! and we have not choice but to spend because, this baby's coming out one day soon and nothings going to change that!

There now. 7 major stressors.  I can manage that, can't i? One thing at a time. I can do it. Can't I?

Hello again.

So here I am. Expectant. Again. At 29 weeks, i think we can say that we have a good, no... great chance of actually having our 2nd child. Years after expected and only by some miracle and quirk of fate. We are here. Pregnant. Waiting. Still a little unbelieving.

How is this possible!? (I'll post an article I wrote that goes over this surprise baby a little bit and drastically sugar coats much of how I felt.)

How is this possible?! I ask myself daily. As the little dude kicks and stretches inside me. As the daily pregnancy woes take over my life. And the only conclusion is that it was meant to be. An act of God. A wonderful, miraculous occurance that has brought us here now to 29 weeks.

It could have been no thanks to ourselves. Other than my husbands refusal to have the snip. Insisting that this could never, ever happen. Oh, and the actual deed itself, that implanted a child in my belly and now, 29 weeks on, we count down the weeks til we deliver a (hopefully) beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy.

But on this crazy sleepless night when I'm frustrated by insomnia and all the thoughts flying through my head, unable to sleep. Incompetent to put my fears aside and just let it be, I was pacing about, wishing, no praying for some, ANY sleep, that I remembered this blog and thought maybe, just maybe I would find some solace here by writing down my thoughts and then hopefully, finally, getting some rest.

This road has not been easy. Feeling sick the entire time since I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and fatigue early on. Then around week 14 came the start of my blood pressure woes and various medications that made me sick, nauseas, depressed, vomitting, too tired to care.

I had days I called my Sprite days. Where the only thing for me was liquid sugar like Ginger Beer, Sprite and 100plus. I had days I called good days, where I felt awesome and not much bothered me (these were very few and far in between). I had days where I was such a sad sook, I could do nothing but be sad and cry and bemoan every little detail that was uncomfortable, stressful and hard to take.

There were times that I was on the brink of giving up. Just tired of feeling so aweful, I had such dark moments, it scares me a little to think of those times. After a string of blood pressure medicine changes, we finally found a pill that lifted the depression but i still had sick, nauseous and Sprite days.

Finally, this last week on a nutty idea to get away to Bangkok for a week, I ended up in the Samitivej Hospital and diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They kept me at the hospital for 3 nights to observe. Strung up to a drip, scared, worried, unable to sleep even there. The food was atrocious, not to mention the diet of 2000 kcal per day they put me on and a diet for diabetes. I found myself detoxing from sugar, my only relief from the nausea i had been having. And all the crazies that I had felt all through these months starting to get better because of insulin injections and careful diet monitoring.

But still it's a change for me. And I have never been one who dealt well with change. (You can only imagine how well i'm dealing with the thought of the change in lifestyle and our family routine!) There is constant blood sugar monitoring. Before and after meals. There is meal adjustment, only able to eat certain things and in certain proportions. There are times to eat and times not to eat (even if i'm absolutely starving like i am right now!). And the insulin injections. I thought I was done with needles after all that IVF but here we are again with those groovy pen needle injections that I have to inject 3 or more times a day.

Worth it?! Absolutely, it will be. But right now, down in the dumps and ready to play darts with my needles, I am feeling uptight, stressed and totally not in control.

Am I thankful? Yes, I am, though it may not seem like it, I am. So grateful for this little miracle. So happy to be giving my only child a baby brother. I am in wonder and still surprised every day that we have come this far and yes, i'm thankful for this.

But sorry, you've probably not heard the last of my bitching and moaning about the surrounding misery that is going along with it.

Oops, i'm such a ditz

I have only just realised that i completely neglected to put my good-bye post online when i wrote it earlier this year. I have only discovered it now sitting innocently in my drafts. Just sitting there as if to say. What the hell, put me up, damn it! I'm such a ditz. Today i actually thought i had lost my car keys only to find them sitting in the ignition with the radio blaring. They had been there for two hours while i had a leisurely lunch with the former pregos and another dear friend. Someone could have taken it on a joyride and i would have never even known!

So i've put my last, last post up now but i feel like i have to say something cause it's perhaps 3 months late.

So far this year has been filled with anticipation, terror, joy, angst, drama, drama, drama, pleasure, pain, lots of tissue paper and has seemed so full already that i don't know how the rest of the year can possibly even fit into 2013!


The babies have been born and they are gorgeous, pink little bundles that seem perfect, never make a sound and just lay there looking all cute and sweet that i sometimes feel like crying with want and then i feel terror that i would be compelled to try just one more time. Then the drama of these days have made me wish so badly that i could have given my precious child another family member. Someone to be there, to support her. So she wouldn't have to go through life on her own, without a brother or sister, just so she didn't feel alone later on. Family is just not something that can be reproduced by any friendship or relationship... But just in case anyone is hoping that i'll start this all up again, i'm not. It's not meant to be, though the moments of wishing come and go, i know that life has put us where we are for a reason. And that's where i'm happy to be.

I re-read a few of my old posts from last year. Golly, you'd think a person would die from all that suffering! I mean, i read it and it was horrible. And i was a bitch. Horrible! And yet now it seems so distant and sooooo not as dramatic as i've written it to be. But there it is, captured forever on the internet. Maybe someone, somewhere will read it one day and it will help them through whatever they are going through. I want that someone to know that now, it doesn't even seem like it was that painful anymore. Just a part of my life that has gone quickly past and now, I'm gonna be ok.

So good bye (again). I really am trying to write that new blog but seriously, i find it so much easier to write about anger and angst, pain and my life as pathetic as it was last year. So i don't know how long this will last.

http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

But i'm gonna keep trying. Until i can't stand it no more and am back here again...

2 pregos and me. And this is good bye.

I've been hanging with two pregnant women (with 4 and 6 weeks to go respectively). One can not ignore that this would be humorous. Me, barren as the sky is dark plus 2 pregnant, about to pop ladies of leisure whom i love (so please, if you are reading, don't be offended). It is hilarious, this perverse situation. To think that i would have been 2 months behind them if my pregnancy had continued and we could all be drinking coffee and planning baby names, talking about breast feeding, poopy nappies and things to buy for baby. But nope. As it is, there is me. Not having a baby. And 2. About to have babies. I am so happy for them it hurts. And SO happy for me that i don't need to do the sleepless nights and sore nipples and smelly poos but also slight bit of sad because, well, you know.

I am also driver to the two said pregnant ladies. Which means i drive like a granny because of the precious cargo i hold in my little VW Golf. Not that i don't drive like a granny anyways. But even more so. Someone needs to stick a sign out the back of my very dirty little car that says "Pregnant Ladies on Board and this car ain't going any faster until one of their water breaks!"

Shopping also has its perks. Baby stores and maternity clothes it was today. And would it be so wrong of me if i bought a bunch of comfy maternity clothes only cause they felt so nice and soft. No one need know! Besides, i am constantly asked if i am pregnant anyways. And i always have to have a chuckle and say quite frankly "Nope. I am just fat." Really, really need to start to do something about that.

So soon and inevitably the babies will be born and it will be me + 2 mummies with newborns. And newborns scare the shit out of me so that will be even more hilarious. I know i'll love them but i also know i'll be perfectly happy to peer over the basinet at them, admiring them from afar.

Have started my new blog now - http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

Because it was time to move on and write about something other than trying to have babies, not having babies, the process of having babies, people having babies, me not having babies. It's just time to put it to rest and get on with other things now. Though having said that, the love of my life still insists on taking potshots (sex without contraception) and it terrifies me that we would have another "oopsie". To which he says that he guarantees that it will not happen. To which i say, of course you don't care cause it's not your body having to be poked and prodded and having things sucked out if it should happen! We're idiots, i know.

Anyways, i told him about my new blog and with a terrified look on his face, he asked what it was about. And i told him and he was relieved. Because, he thought it was going to be a sex blog (sweet spot reference and all). But it is completely innocent and harmless. I have NO idea why he would have thought that. But I don't actually know how i will sustain it because even with the first post (and that is as far as i've gotten), it is all about happiness and nice things and positivity. I don't know if my darker side will be able to handle it.

So for now, it's good bye to Hormonal in Hornsby. Must write an apology for the nasty things i've said about people in this blog but i really hope i would be forgiven for all that i've been through (not to mention that it was said in a haze of hormonal objection and angst). I had a thought that i should delete those nasty posts but they were very real parts of my journey so how could i? I just hope that i can be forgiven after all of this.

My life continues and some things are just not meant to be. Or perhaps. Some things are meant to be just as they are.

Almost the end of a year.

Nobody panic! I am not pregnant. My menstrual cycle has come and gone and all is well. I've only just been too busy to say anything about it. Probly a good thing. Nobody wants to hear about another body's bloody discharge. Ick Ew!

I can't believe it's almost the end of a year! If someone had told me that all would have transpired as it had, I probably would not have wanted to do 2012 at all! But here we are, at the doorstep of 2013 and I have survived. Though battered and bruised emotionally and physically poked and prodded far more than any poor bitch should be. I have still survived.

Things are not the same. I don't even think I can articulate where I'm at right now. Joy seems like a hard thing for me to find at the moment. Peace perhaps also alludes me. Though I am well and mostly happy, this year has been terribly unkind to me and it is with relief that it is ending.

2013 is going to be my year to find all the sweet spots lurking around me. Now. Can I pop the champagne early!

The bitching season

A little over 5 weeks has passed since I had the poor little thing scraped and sucked unceremoniously out of me. 5 weeks on - which means, of course, I am massively premenstrual. Anywhere between 3 to 6 weeks they say, before you get your next period. 3 to 6 weeks, and it has flown by - me, being to busy to notice that we are just about up to 6 weeks with no sign of my period. But there are signs. It's the bitching season! Don't cross me or you'll hear about. Slight agoraphobic tendencies come to the fore which is probably better for all involved seeing as it is the bitching season.

Thank goodness I've been too terribly busy to notice the passing of time or I might have begun my slight paranoia of accidentally getting pregnant again earlier. How... HOW could we be so irresponsible as to have unprotected sex again, you ask!? And it is true, we have been. Idiots. We're idiots. This minor bump in our lives had set us back thousands and it might only be next year before we're back on track. And still we play a game of roulette each time we do the deed. I really don't think love of my life thinks we could have another oopsie. Either that or he doesn't care cause i ask about protection and he just shrugs and what the hell, in the heat of the moment, there really is no way we'd stop. Total morons. That is exactly what we are.

So almost 6 weeks and ready to bleed away again. Just waiting, relishing the bitching season which had been absent since September. The irrational annoyance I feel at ALL things. The bloated belly and need to yell at people for any small thing. Interesting that it's almost a year to the anniversary that i flew off to Hornsby, starting this dramatic saga. It's been a crappy year. But maybe that's just the bitching season talking... Maybe, but I don't think so.

Shitty, lucky, luck

I'm feeling shitty right now. Shitty about my shitty, lucky, luck.

This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.

We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!

Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.

But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!

Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.

It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.

Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!

So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.

But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.

And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.

Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.

Cannot sleep

Can't sleep at 1am so i'm up and it's been a while since i've updated so why not.

A flurry of activity has occurred and we found ourselves yesterday paying a deposit on a car AND the place we will be renting from the 31st of Dec. Very expensive day. Very, very expensive. Leaving me around $30 in my savings account and an excited yet sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps we may be over compensating for our loss by buying a car! And trust me, here in Singapore, cars ain't cheap. Paying $80k for a 2 year old VW Golf sounds absolutely ridiculous! But that's what we've done. Well, hope to do, just waiting for the financial approval.

Wish i'd gone to sleep post coital, in that happy haze where everything is wonderful and everyone is relaxed and loved up. But nope! What were we thinking, my love and i, to stay up, only to get into issues that are deep and disturbing about our relationship and where it has gone or may be going. Not a good idea at all. Decided, after much discussion to call a truce, ignore our issues and get back to it another day.

Earlier today, we were discussing our lack of procreative prowess and love of my life has come up with an interesting theory. Perhaps my womb is inhospitable to things that have more of my own DNA rather than more of his DNA. The only reason my beautiful little star survived my womb was because her DNA is more like his. Though looking at her, you have to wonder who she is more like. Him or me. Though her body shape is definately his, i often feel like she is as much of a mini me as she can be.

Next doctors appointment, coming up on Tuesday, should be nicely revealing. Why did the poor thing fail inside me? Knowing it has to be genetics. But what if it comes back genetically sound. Does that open any doors to trying for another one?

For the first time this weekend, my darling daughter has asked for an older sister so that she would have someone to play with. I told her she would never have an older sister and having a younger one would mean years of pooping and crying before the play even started. She was fine with that but thankfully gave up the topic to watch Surviver with us on telly.

Either way, the search for a reliable means of contraception is on. I can not take pills. They make me psycho (more so than normal - it is NOT a pretty sight). He will not be snipped. God forbid anyone touches his precious boys - hell to pay! And i really, really can not go through this again so the time of unfettered sex is over. Though i did swear at him this weekend because we have not taken any precautions yet and i did a google and found out that a woman may ovulate anytime between 2-6 weeks after a D&C. We're just on 2 weeks and i swear, if there's another oopsie, i'm just going to loose it and will neuter him myself if i have to!

So another week is about to start. And now that we've finished most of the major things we had to do, i think i'll need to find other things to occupy myself with.

Bounced

I think I've bounced back now. Bounced anyways, all around the East Coast looking at apartments... And they are all crappy. Major breakdown on Tuesday night about the crappiness of our choices and feeling trapped by all the crap going on right now. But Wednesday came around, another day of looking at crap only to realize that our situation is fine. Sure, we cant afford anything fancy but considering that we are in the top .33% of all life on this planet, we should be pretty grateful we aren't stuck in a slum in Bangladesh. Just need to be realistic and happy with what we have.

So back to the one we had picked on Sunday and if the owner accepts our terms, we'll be moving to a place that has no pool, no playground, no tennis court, no balcony AND no oven or hot water in the kitchen! How fabulous! But for the same price as we would pay to stay where we are, we will be getting 25% more space. Which also means we'll be able to get a car and live a little.

Ran into a school mum today who accidentally got pregnant and is delivering in March. She is horrified at the cost of having the baby and it was a gentle reminder to myself that we would be righteously screwed financially if the pregnancy had continued. And ironic as it is, perhaps it has all transpired for a reason. (Though the $6k total we spent on this misadventure pisses me off now and again.)

She-Ra

Well, what do you know. I survived. I made it through the surgery brilliantly and now i actually feel almost 100%. A couple tummy aches but nothing worse than a bad period. I haven't even looked at the codeine laced paracetamol that they gave me - of course, taking that would have horribly uncomfortable consequences anyways (tends to constipate me so badly, i think i'm going to shit diamonds). I feel awesome! Like She-Ra, the Princess of Power, the most powerful woman in the universe, carrying my magic sword and ready to take on anything.  i swear i'm not on any drugs to make me feel this way, but maybe the 1/2 dozen choc chip cookies may have something to do with it.

Yesterday was pretty chilled. We went into the hospital and had a brief discussion with the doctor. Almost decided at the last minute to have my tubes tied while i was under but was talked out of it by the glam doc who is annoyingly optimistic about our ability to procreate. I had gotten the idea that it would be just a very easy, peasy snip, snip and wa-lah, no need to worry about contraception anymore. And if it had been that easily, i probably would have said to just do it.

Darling husband said, cool, let's just do it. I don't think he's relishing the idea of never having sex again.  Though he has absolutely put his foot down about himself getting the snip. What a wimp. He was pulling up stats and studies about chronic penile pain associated with it. Well, if he just wants to be celebit, then so be it!

Later he said he would have stopped me if i had insisted after finding out it was another procedure all together. Glam doc said she was not expecting us to ask for this at all. Rather surprised, she asked why we would want to seeing as we want another child. (And i'm thinking in my head, there is no way in hell i want to go through this again.) But she seems to think we are entirely capable of procreating again naturally and easily even though i've told her numerous times how screwed up we are in this regard. She seems like she's a bit on a mission to get us to try again but i'm not having it. I just can't do it. I know our genetics are fucked and i know the kariotyping will confirm it.

So on i go. Will just stay as busy as possible so i don't have to think about all that has happened. I'm sure burying everything under a guise of activity will make it all fade away like it never happened. Hell, it's worked for me so many times before, i'm sure it will work for me again. Right now the project on hand is to find a new place to live. I've been diligently calling dodgy real estate agents and setting up appointments. I think we know where we're going already, having just about made a decision this last weekend to move across the street. But just to appease myself, and of course, to give myself something to do that seems important, i'll go have a look at a few more.

So here's to on with life!

I'm sure everything will come back to bite me in the ass eventually...

ironic

First song i've heard today is the classic Alanis Morrisette "Ironic". To which me and my darling daughter sang along to all the way to school. I actually think i could write a whole nother chorus to that song based on what is going on now.

Next, I get a text message. It's a reminder for my 12 week nuchal ultrasound that was scheduled a couple weeks ago. (Note to self: remind glam doc to cancel that scan)

Then an alert pops up on my phone. The tone is like the glory of god and it's my iperiod app reminding me that it's green week! That means i'm supposed to be fertile this week and ready to conceive. (Another note: delete the app or at least the reminder function in it)

One must really have a chuckle about all this. Someone out there has a very sick sense of humour and i might as well laugh along or risk going stark raving insane.

It is a little too ironic. I really do think.