I've known this for a while. G knows it and asks if I'm hungry whenever I'm narky at him. But what occurred today takes the cake.
I'm lying in bed trying to get a break from my darling daughter. Having told her in no uncertain terms that I had played with her all day already and need an hour to myself so if she could just please amuse herself. Poor thing. Moments like that and I hate fate for not giving me another one to keep her company. Watching her left to her own devices was both hilarious and heartbreaking. But I soon forgot her until she came running down the hallway with a porcelain bowl and metal spoon. She came up to my bed and presented to me a bowl full of corn flakes and very sweetly said... "mummy i thought you were hungry and might want something to eat"
Had to laugh thinking how the hell did she get into my cereal cupboard. It is 2nd shelf above the bench that holds my knives. And to get me a porcelain bowl from out of the cabinet, in the back.
Too sweet and too funny at the same time...
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My frivolous existence
So I'm thinking I need to start a new blog now that the IVF shenanigans are well and truly over. I can't really continue in this vein because Hornsby and being hormonal is well and truly over - my husband would disagree with the second part but c'mon... hormonal now is nothing compared to in Hornsby.
So life is continuing and life is good. i reluctantly sent my helping hand home last Thursday and was not happy to be washing my own dishes Friday. My aspirations to have a permanent helping hand installed into my household are dead in the water cause of cost and space.
Then my plans for total and utter peace, quiet, relaxation and revelry on my own time has been put on hold because my princess daughter has been sick and apart from her continuously using her outside voice inside, constant whining, making me do stuff... Apart from me being her bitch for the last 3 days, it hasn't been so bad. Though I am so wound up now, I'm not being very nice and have been using my non inside voice just as much as her!
But who can complain. I have a great little apartment. A gorgeous daughter that I love so much my heart stops at the thought that she is growing up while at the same time i find her so annoying at times she drives me to tears. I've got a fantastic lifestyle that leaves me exhausted then wanting more. I have food on my table though I hate that I have to clean it myself. Really, what is there to moan and groan about? I really do have a very fantastic and frivolous existence...
So life is continuing and life is good. i reluctantly sent my helping hand home last Thursday and was not happy to be washing my own dishes Friday. My aspirations to have a permanent helping hand installed into my household are dead in the water cause of cost and space.
Then my plans for total and utter peace, quiet, relaxation and revelry on my own time has been put on hold because my princess daughter has been sick and apart from her continuously using her outside voice inside, constant whining, making me do stuff... Apart from me being her bitch for the last 3 days, it hasn't been so bad. Though I am so wound up now, I'm not being very nice and have been using my non inside voice just as much as her!
But who can complain. I have a great little apartment. A gorgeous daughter that I love so much my heart stops at the thought that she is growing up while at the same time i find her so annoying at times she drives me to tears. I've got a fantastic lifestyle that leaves me exhausted then wanting more. I have food on my table though I hate that I have to clean it myself. Really, what is there to moan and groan about? I really do have a very fantastic and frivolous existence...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Well, hello there, stranger
It's been so long it seems since i last blogged. You would think that sending my darling daughter off to school would give me plenty of spare time to blog away but i have found myself running around like a crazy woman. Not getting much done, really. But running around nevertheless.
Now i have a spare 10 min before heading off to some talk by her new school about their learning system. Sounds like such a bore but i feel like i should at least try to know about how she is being taught. And i can actually leave the house because i've got someone to help watch her.
Which is also another reason why i've found the time to blog now. I've been gifted a helping hand for a bit of this week and hello... this is more like it!
I have done no cooking, no cleaning, no washing of dishes, no ironing, no laundry, no dusting, mopping, vacuuming, haven't had to run to the shops. (Ok so, i'll be honest and say that i don't actually do a few of those items, but i do most of them. AND i do feel annoyed that the ones that i don't do are not done on a daily basis)
So you should see my drawers now. All neatly folded in rows and piles that make me grin in pleasure every time i open them. I can actually find things!
And just imagine walking into a house that is completely spick and span every time you walk into it. It is bliss. It is joy! I really don't think that real tai tais should be allowed to complain anymore about anything at all. I've lived like them for two days and seriously, i don't know if i can go back. And i haven't really lived totally like them because even with my helping hand, i've only had her for a few hours a day and i have been working my little butt off too. If she were her perpetually, i don't know how i could handle all this happiness!
Gotta run. More later!
Now i have a spare 10 min before heading off to some talk by her new school about their learning system. Sounds like such a bore but i feel like i should at least try to know about how she is being taught. And i can actually leave the house because i've got someone to help watch her.
Which is also another reason why i've found the time to blog now. I've been gifted a helping hand for a bit of this week and hello... this is more like it!
I have done no cooking, no cleaning, no washing of dishes, no ironing, no laundry, no dusting, mopping, vacuuming, haven't had to run to the shops. (Ok so, i'll be honest and say that i don't actually do a few of those items, but i do most of them. AND i do feel annoyed that the ones that i don't do are not done on a daily basis)
So you should see my drawers now. All neatly folded in rows and piles that make me grin in pleasure every time i open them. I can actually find things!
And just imagine walking into a house that is completely spick and span every time you walk into it. It is bliss. It is joy! I really don't think that real tai tais should be allowed to complain anymore about anything at all. I've lived like them for two days and seriously, i don't know if i can go back. And i haven't really lived totally like them because even with my helping hand, i've only had her for a few hours a day and i have been working my little butt off too. If she were her perpetually, i don't know how i could handle all this happiness!
Gotta run. More later!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I only get sad when others are sad for me...
This last week there was a rash of people realizing that i should know the results of our IVF cycle by now. Text messages and emails have popped up asking for news. I only get sad when others are sad for me. So please don't be sad for me. I really don't like being sad, it's not for me at all. Frankly, it blows and i hate it. So i keep busy and focus on anything other than being sad. Coping mechanism, maybe, but i do think that somewhere inside me, i'm quite happy to move on and that's the part i'm concentrating on.
Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.
Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.
But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!
Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.
It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.
So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.
Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.
Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.
But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!
Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.
It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.
So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Everything went as well as it could...
The Skype conversation with the fabulous Dr D occured this morning and basically, everything went as well as it could. Nothing went badly. She was thrilled with everything up til the transfer when we only had the one good blasty left. And even then, it was a good one.
They like to have 6-12 eggs collected - check.
A high percentage of fertilisations - check.
Day 3 with lots of 6-8 celled wonders - check.
But those two last days, goddam those two last days. It's hard to make a blastocyst, she said. Bloody hell. It probably comes down to my dodgy eggs. She admitted it might not a fault with G's junk - much to my dismay. I mean, really, i would so much prefer if some responsibility rested on him! But nope, my eggs. My dodgy, dodgy, 37 1/2 year old, dodgy eggs. But then we had that one little gem of a blastocyst. Still didn't take.
Everything was textbook so even in all her years of dealing with infertility, even she had no idea why some take and some don't. So i said, if it's so random, why wouldn't i just take my supplements and have sex like the bunnies do and see what happens. She laughed. Said that has been shown to work in some cases. It comes down to my persistence, she says. The last cycle was by far the best. Maybe from those DHEA supplements. Who knows. My chances are about 30% each try.
But she couldn't tell me how persistent i want to be. No duh. She suggested that if i thought i'd give it a try again, to keep taking those DHEA pills. Though they seriously mess me up. Acne, hairy moustache, cranky as anything. Why would i want to live with that just in the random chance that i would want to bare my belly to the injections and kick my heels up for the ultrasounds once again. Oh, and don't forget being hormonal, huge needles through the uterus and ovaries and the mind fuck of the two week wait.
It was nice to talk to the Fabulous Dr D and she genuinely appeared regretful that it just didn't happen for me. I might not see her again but i'll never forget her and the role she played in my life. Love her or hate her, she did give me my one beautiful shining star. And that is enough for me.
They like to have 6-12 eggs collected - check.
A high percentage of fertilisations - check.
Day 3 with lots of 6-8 celled wonders - check.
But those two last days, goddam those two last days. It's hard to make a blastocyst, she said. Bloody hell. It probably comes down to my dodgy eggs. She admitted it might not a fault with G's junk - much to my dismay. I mean, really, i would so much prefer if some responsibility rested on him! But nope, my eggs. My dodgy, dodgy, 37 1/2 year old, dodgy eggs. But then we had that one little gem of a blastocyst. Still didn't take.
Everything was textbook so even in all her years of dealing with infertility, even she had no idea why some take and some don't. So i said, if it's so random, why wouldn't i just take my supplements and have sex like the bunnies do and see what happens. She laughed. Said that has been shown to work in some cases. It comes down to my persistence, she says. The last cycle was by far the best. Maybe from those DHEA supplements. Who knows. My chances are about 30% each try.
But she couldn't tell me how persistent i want to be. No duh. She suggested that if i thought i'd give it a try again, to keep taking those DHEA pills. Though they seriously mess me up. Acne, hairy moustache, cranky as anything. Why would i want to live with that just in the random chance that i would want to bare my belly to the injections and kick my heels up for the ultrasounds once again. Oh, and don't forget being hormonal, huge needles through the uterus and ovaries and the mind fuck of the two week wait.
It was nice to talk to the Fabulous Dr D and she genuinely appeared regretful that it just didn't happen for me. I might not see her again but i'll never forget her and the role she played in my life. Love her or hate her, she did give me my one beautiful shining star. And that is enough for me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
OMG, i've become a fat and lazy cow
OMG, i have become a fat and lazy cow! When did this happen? Oh yep, that's right, i think i've always been like this but buried it under a mound of work and self importance. When running my own business, i could always be busy and relevant, therefore, not a fat and lazy cow. But now that i'm a wannabe tai tai, the fat and lazy is becoming very obvious.
I say wannabe because: Tai tai (太太) is a Chinese colloquial term for a wealthy married woman who does not work.
And i am very far from being wealthy. And really, i have been doing some work this week. I can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up speed and in 3 months, i bet i'll be right back where i was a couple years ago. Not bad considering it took me 10 years to build up my business, 1 month to shut it down and now i could have it all back in a frighteningly short amount of time. I'm a lucky, lucky woman. BUT remember, fat and lazy cow... I really don't know if i want it all back.
Yesterday i found myself on a beach drinking mojitos and eating chicken curry with baguette. Today, dinner with a dear friend, interrupted by a tiny bit of work, but not too much. Now home, i'm looking around and thinking why the hell do i have clean up? Everyone else has someone to do it for them. So why the hell don't i? I just want to get into my PJ's and watch some TV in bed. And i think i will.
Tomorrow though, i'm gonna be pissed as hell that i didn't pull my finger out and get some stuff done. I'll have work to finish, child to mind, dishes to wash and i'm gonna be mad. And what could be worse than a fat and lazy cow? A MAD, fat and lazy cow... Hubby picked the best week of all to head off to Mumbai. He must have known that his silly wife would procrastinate early this week then be consumed by stress for the rest of it, cursing her luck at having work to do and pissed to have dishes to wash and house to clean and resentful at having no one around to support her.
I am in love with the idea of being a lady of leisure. Not having to work but meeting friends for coffee, brunch or lunch. Keeping a "helper" at home to do all the cooking and cleaning. I've been obsessed with the idea of having a helper for the longest time, finally deciding that i didn't need one, but then really, really wanting one just to do all the stuff a fat and lazy cow would not want to do. I make the decision not to have a helper almost daily. Then i meet up with some true tai tais and again, i'm obsessed with getting one. But then i know i don't need one and really, i can't afford one. But then if i worked, i could get one. But then i'd have to give up all my lunches and brunches and playdates. Vicious and frivolous circle i'm in. And you know what, i'm feeling too fat and lazy right now to care.
I say wannabe because: Tai tai (太太) is a Chinese colloquial term for a wealthy married woman who does not work.
And i am very far from being wealthy. And really, i have been doing some work this week. I can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up speed and in 3 months, i bet i'll be right back where i was a couple years ago. Not bad considering it took me 10 years to build up my business, 1 month to shut it down and now i could have it all back in a frighteningly short amount of time. I'm a lucky, lucky woman. BUT remember, fat and lazy cow... I really don't know if i want it all back.
Yesterday i found myself on a beach drinking mojitos and eating chicken curry with baguette. Today, dinner with a dear friend, interrupted by a tiny bit of work, but not too much. Now home, i'm looking around and thinking why the hell do i have clean up? Everyone else has someone to do it for them. So why the hell don't i? I just want to get into my PJ's and watch some TV in bed. And i think i will.
Tomorrow though, i'm gonna be pissed as hell that i didn't pull my finger out and get some stuff done. I'll have work to finish, child to mind, dishes to wash and i'm gonna be mad. And what could be worse than a fat and lazy cow? A MAD, fat and lazy cow... Hubby picked the best week of all to head off to Mumbai. He must have known that his silly wife would procrastinate early this week then be consumed by stress for the rest of it, cursing her luck at having work to do and pissed to have dishes to wash and house to clean and resentful at having no one around to support her.
I am in love with the idea of being a lady of leisure. Not having to work but meeting friends for coffee, brunch or lunch. Keeping a "helper" at home to do all the cooking and cleaning. I've been obsessed with the idea of having a helper for the longest time, finally deciding that i didn't need one, but then really, really wanting one just to do all the stuff a fat and lazy cow would not want to do. I make the decision not to have a helper almost daily. Then i meet up with some true tai tais and again, i'm obsessed with getting one. But then i know i don't need one and really, i can't afford one. But then if i worked, i could get one. But then i'd have to give up all my lunches and brunches and playdates. Vicious and frivolous circle i'm in. And you know what, i'm feeling too fat and lazy right now to care.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I wish I had something interesting to blog about.
I wish I had something interesting to blog about. I have had a most impromptu and fun filled day. But fun is not interesting. Pain and angst is. And I haven't had much of that since my life has continued... Post IVF.
I have decided to Skype Dr D. I suppose that could be interesting... When i emailed about my period, she wrote saying how sorry she was and maybe we could Skype and talk over what "had gone right and what not so right"... Excuse me! If something was not so right, why am I finding out about this now!!!
So I thought i would leave it. Because, I've moved on and I'm strong. But ever so often it gets me. Well, not me totally. I mostly feel like I dodged a bullet - personally. But it gets me that my beautiful child will never have a brother or sister. I feel like I have let her down and I'm so sad at times.
And there is sometimes that nagging feeling in the back of my head that wonders why this didn't happen for me. Will of God and not meant to be - sure, but maybe if I talk to Dr D, she will tell me something I didn't know.
So I'll schedule a Skype with her. For "closure". But I pray that it doesn't give me a reason to keep trying to have a baby. As sad as I am for my child is as glad as I am for me to be able to get on with things. (Even though it means I have nothing very interesting to blog about for a while.)
I have decided to Skype Dr D. I suppose that could be interesting... When i emailed about my period, she wrote saying how sorry she was and maybe we could Skype and talk over what "had gone right and what not so right"... Excuse me! If something was not so right, why am I finding out about this now!!!
So I thought i would leave it. Because, I've moved on and I'm strong. But ever so often it gets me. Well, not me totally. I mostly feel like I dodged a bullet - personally. But it gets me that my beautiful child will never have a brother or sister. I feel like I have let her down and I'm so sad at times.
And there is sometimes that nagging feeling in the back of my head that wonders why this didn't happen for me. Will of God and not meant to be - sure, but maybe if I talk to Dr D, she will tell me something I didn't know.
So I'll schedule a Skype with her. For "closure". But I pray that it doesn't give me a reason to keep trying to have a baby. As sad as I am for my child is as glad as I am for me to be able to get on with things. (Even though it means I have nothing very interesting to blog about for a while.)
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