Boredom comes in stealth...

Well it does for me. First you're keeping busy, busy, busy, filling your time with this and that, trying to think that what you're doing is terribly important to the survival of your family, your friends, humanity in general until finally, you realise you've been sitting on your ass in front of facebook for 10 minutes, repeatedly refreshing, just waiting to see if anyone else is doing anything interesting. Yep, that is when you know, well, when i know that i've been terribly bored all this time and trying to ignore it.

It's not like i haven't been having fun. I have been. Heaps of it! I've been entertaining, being entertained, going hither and nither, drinking coffee, out to lunches, playdates for my child and living it up.

But all the while, in the back of my mind is this nagging feeling, like a tick tock clock saying, you're bored, you know it. you're bored, you know it.

But do i? Do i really know it? I mustn't really, really know if it i'm still flaffing around doing the same things and not really trying very hard to do much else. Not really wanting to do much else. Trying to convince myself that life is good and exciting and so much fun, i haven't the time to find anything else to do.

And there's maybe a shift in my mindset that needs to happen. That being around for my darling daughter is the most important thing i could do. And seeing as she's the only one, perhaps i should put in a teeny bit more effort when it comes to raising her. Perhaps i need to convince myself that it is the most important thing in the world to make sure she has healthy meals and learns to read and is taught to be a lovely little thing, polite and kind and happy with herself. Because it is. It really is the most important thing in the world. I know it in my head. Nothing else matters.

But still, nagging feeling in the back of my head. Maybe i just need to keep doing what i'm doing until it goes away.

Today it hurts. It's come out of the blue and a complete surprise to me. Today it hurts because I was reading my old blog. The one where I got my darling daughter and how I got her and it was a reminder that I will never have another beautiful, precious child bumping around inside me. I'll never marvel at a newborn miracle that is my own. I will never laugh every day at an 18 months antics. Teach another one to talk or be polite or show them how to discover their toes or fingers and nose.

Saw a friends 6 month old and I was floored. All my memories of poopy nappies and sleepless night. So
happy I was to have dodged that bullet again, replaced by amazement at this intently and curiously staring child, taking it all in, trying to make sense of who I was and who she was and her place in the world. But content, held tightly by her mother with the absolute knowledge that the love was there and lasting. I'm not gonna have that again.

Today I'm hurt. And I'm sad and sorry and wishing it were some other way. But it isn't and I'll get over it again soon.

Done...

I am done with this year to date. Done, done, done!

There is nothing like living perpetually on hold. Anyone who's tried and failed or even had a slight delay in falling pregnant knows what I mean.

Nothing happens, nothing gets planned. Everything comes with a "what if I am pregnant" clause and it sucks. Everything is in slow motion and you feel like you can't move forward because what if. And what if is a terrible way to live. What if is confusing, frustrating and heart breaking when every month comes along and you realize you have another month to "try". Constantly wondering what if.

Then the months go by and even though there are so many people on this journey, each and every story is different and real. Each of us knows the hurt each month when the spotting comes or the damned pink line on the pee stick is negative. Each of us knows but nobody understands because it's such a personal journey. Don't even think partners are privy to what we go through.

Yep, I know I was done with this in Feb. Well and truly done. But on the other side, while life is frivolous and fabulous, you still remember and are scarred. You move on and the hurt is less and fading. But there are random moments where it comes back. And you wonder, what if we kept trying.

It is completely clear in my mind that things have turned out right and for a reason. I am really, truly glad that it's over and done with.

My life has gone on, frivolous and fancy. Last week I was cocooned in a blanket of luxury in Bangkok. It was all about me and damn it, I deserved it. But now i've returned itching to do something, to have a project or something other than living a life of leisure. (How could I, you ask!)

Prior to Bangkok, I was getting rather
comfy with my nothingness existence. Rather happy to remain without purpose or reason. And it was desperately needed. Time for not trying and not doing anything. It was needed.

On the sidelines, there was the saga of the love of my life's career choices and believe me, that is yet another way to live a life on hold. Much less hurtful but with that backing onto the 2 months of our hormonal in Hornsby saga, it has been hard to move on or sideways or anywhere because of all the what ifs standing in our way.

Thank God he has finally come to a conclusion and is moving on. And me, I need something to do. Something awesome that will give me back my Mojo. Which has gone completely missing and has forced me into fixating on the little things that don't matter but when you have little else that matters, even the stupid things become a big drama. Such a pathetic way to be.

I'm embarking on a search for something to do. I'm sure it's just another way of living what ifs. But along the way, I might just stumble onto something that I will love every single minute of the day. And maybe I won't, but at least I'm looking.

Ok, so I am a bitch when I am hungry

I've known this for a while. G knows it and asks if I'm hungry whenever I'm narky at him. But what occurred today takes the cake.

I'm lying in bed trying to get a break from my darling daughter. Having told her in no uncertain terms that I had played with her all day already and need an hour to myself so if she could just please amuse herself. Poor thing. Moments like that and I hate fate for not giving me another one to keep her company. Watching her left to her own devices was both hilarious and heartbreaking. But I soon forgot her until she came running down the hallway with a porcelain bowl and metal spoon. She came up to my bed and presented to me a bowl full of corn flakes and very sweetly said... "mummy i thought you were hungry and might want something to eat"

Had to laugh thinking how the hell did she get into my cereal cupboard. It is 2nd shelf above the bench that holds my knives. And to get me a porcelain bowl from out of the cabinet, in the back.

Too sweet and too funny at the same time...

My frivolous existence

So I'm thinking I need to start a new blog now that the IVF shenanigans are well and truly over. I can't really continue in this vein because Hornsby and being hormonal is well and truly over - my husband would disagree with the second part but c'mon... hormonal now is nothing compared to in Hornsby.

So life is continuing and life is good. i reluctantly sent my helping hand home last Thursday and was not happy to be washing my own dishes Friday. My aspirations to have a permanent helping hand installed into my household are dead in the water cause of cost and space.

Then my plans for total and utter peace, quiet, relaxation and revelry on my own time has been put on hold because my princess daughter has been sick and apart from her continuously using her outside voice inside, constant whining, making me do stuff... Apart from me being her bitch for the last 3 days, it hasn't been so bad. Though I am so wound up now, I'm not being very nice and have been using my non inside voice just as much as her!

But who can complain. I have a great little apartment. A gorgeous daughter that I love so much my heart stops at the thought that she is growing up while at the same time i find her so annoying at times she drives me to tears. I've got a fantastic lifestyle that leaves me exhausted then wanting more. I have food on my table though I hate that I have to clean it myself. Really, what is there to moan and groan about? I really do have a very fantastic and frivolous existence...

Well, hello there, stranger

It's been so long it seems since i last blogged. You would think that sending my darling daughter off to school would give me plenty of spare time to blog away but i have found myself running around like a crazy woman. Not getting much done, really. But running around nevertheless.
Now i have a spare 10 min before heading off to some talk by her new school about their learning system. Sounds like such a bore but i feel like i should at least try to know about how she is being taught. And i can actually leave the house because i've got someone to help watch her.
Which is also another reason why i've found the time to blog now. I've been gifted a helping hand for a bit of this week and hello... this is more like it!
I have done no cooking, no cleaning, no washing of dishes, no ironing, no laundry, no dusting, mopping, vacuuming, haven't had to run to the shops. (Ok so, i'll be honest and say that i don't actually do a few of those items, but i do most of them. AND i do feel annoyed that the ones that i don't do are not done on a daily basis)
So you should see my drawers now. All neatly folded in rows and piles that make me grin in pleasure every time i open them. I can actually find things!
And just imagine walking into a house that is completely spick and span every time you walk into it. It is bliss. It is joy! I really don't think that real tai tais should be allowed to complain anymore about anything at all. I've lived like them for two days and seriously, i don't know if i can go back. And i haven't really lived totally like them because even with my helping hand, i've only had her for a few hours a day and i have been working my little butt off too. If she were her perpetually, i don't know how i could handle all this happiness!
Gotta run. More later!

I only get sad when others are sad for me...

This last week there was a rash of people realizing that i should know the results of our IVF cycle by now. Text messages and emails have popped up asking for news. I only get sad when others are sad for me. So please don't be sad for me. I really don't like being sad, it's not for me at all. Frankly, it blows and i hate it. So i keep busy and focus on anything other than being sad. Coping mechanism, maybe, but i do think that somewhere inside me, i'm quite happy to move on and that's the part i'm concentrating on.

Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.

Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.

But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!

Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.

It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.

So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.