Crazy

In a word... That's what i am right now... Crazy!

People talk about Prenatal or Postnatal depression and if this is what it's like, it is absolutely miserable. I'm miserable. I spend so much time pacing and telling myself to keep it together, it's not even funny.

After being prescribed antidepressants to help me sleep, I took them for maybe 4 days and it was supposed to help me sleep along with some drug that is the equivalent to Ambien. But I've stopped the antidepressents because it was making my head foggy all day long. Thank God I slept all last night with only the Ambien.

This is horrible. My parents are worried, my husband is worried, even my sweet little child is worried. I've tried not to freak out in front of her. I've really tried but sometimes I just can't stop it.
Never understood depressed individuals until now. Now it's like.... Ooooooooh. This is aweful. Utterly and miserably aweful.

I've tried praying and that totally helps. The belief in a Higher Power for help and relief is a powerful thing. I'm convinced that's why I was able to sleep all last night. Still, there are the days now. And i can't be on my own. I just can't! I'm scared of what may happen. What's to come. What I may do. I'm terrified.

My dad says I need to accept that I can't control everything and I should start getting better but it will take some time. I don't know if i have time!

My mum says i need to snap out of it. But how. HOW. If i knew, i would!

Poor hubby watches me as I go through my crazies and crying when I can and looks so worried and I hate myself for putting all the people I love through this. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to stop the madness and make myself better.

I'm miserable. Miserable! And totally crazy.

Most unusual

It is most unusual. Right now. It is 10.30pm and i'm not tired. It is 10.30pm and I'm awake and tired but not sleepy. Not freaking out, not having my pre sleep terrors. Not wanting to have my sleeping pill or freaking out about whether or not i should. It is weird. Just weird. Of course, i need to accept that it all may be about to come about, just an hour later because I had my snack later tonight.

But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.

Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.

Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...

In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.

Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.

I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.

I'm freaking out, Jerry!

Gone are the days where as college students we would gather every Thursday for must see TV and giggle at Seinfeld. Ah those carefree days. Those fun, mostly worry free days of fun and laughter. All we were responsible for was to study and for some of us, even that was debatable (not me of course).

So now when i say I'm freaking out, Jerry! I mean it. I am freaking out, Jerry.

My nights go like this.... About 8pm, i'm just about comotose, propping eyes open so i can stay up to take my blood glucose reading, inject myself with insulin and have my evening snack. By 9, I have done all of those and am dozing on and off while trying to watch TV. Trying and failing to stay awake so I can sleep later. If i were to turn the TV off and just accept the sleepiness, my slumber is not complete because with the TV off, i'm left to my own brain devices.

Between 10 and 11, the same continues. By midnight, I am wide awake. Freaking out. Thinking things and worrying. Frantic, psychotic, crazy. Hungry. because by then the snack and dinner has worn off. Hungry, thirsty and just silly enough to drink a whole mug of camomile tea because i think it might help. And it does but then i have to contend with bladder issues for the rest of the freaking night!

The AM hours roll around and as my household sleeps peacefully in separate bedrooms.  Yes, poor hubby is sleeping in the office for me and my 20 something pillows need the whole bed to ourselves... though probably best that I don't subject him to my freaking out as it continues. Past 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. and around that time, its time to give up. Some nights if i'm lucky i'll get in an hour or two of sleep here and there between those hours.

It's miserable and tiring. The days are long and you can imagine how i'm feeling all day only to have another night like this to look forward to. Nothing seems to help. I'm freaking out, Jerry and nothing I do seems to stop it!

Calm down, you say. What can be so horrible, you wonder. And yes, i wonder too. I'm just a freaking out kind of girl.

This night after sneaking in a whole half hour of blissful sleep, I went to go back to sleep and the very thought of meals for the next day set me of on a tailspin of thinking and worrying and freaking. There is too much to do. Too much to feel. Too much that i can't control or if i can, it's so much effort and all too hard.

But it shouldn't be. I'm a grown woman. I am 40 and I am smart and usually very self sufficient. What has turned me into this miserable mess of a person. Tonight, i was pacing my room, talking to myself, telling myself it would be ok. Telling myself not to worry. Did i listen to myself? Nope! I was pacing and crazy. About to tear things apart and go nuts. Oh i'm a nutcase alright. And panic rises about me all the time and I try. I try to squash it with rational thoughts like... Do things one at a time. It's not so hard if you do it bit by bit.

I try. I really try. to leave the worry behind. Focus on the precious cargo inside me. He will make it all worth it, won't he? So the diabetes food, the meals, the stress, the anguish. It should be a small matter. A little inconvenience compared to the great joy he will bring me in only 8 short weeks.
Can i pull it together? Can i keep my sanity for 8 more weeks? Can i choke down any more tasteless chicken breast, stick myself full of hundreds of more needles. I don't know.

What has gotten me in to such a flap? Maybe if i listed them, I would laugh and be able to get some perspective.

1. Gestational diabetes and the need to feed myself certain things at certain times. I'm all about food so this is tough for me. 3 meals a day of some sort of carb, some lean meat (goodness, i hate chicken breast now), some veg. 3 snacks of dry cracker and milk. That's it. That's all i get. And for goodness sake, this ex food writer, foodie, obsessive about food kind of girl is not coping with this. Not coping at all! Not to mention the medications, the food counting, the blood sugar readings. It's all so much for me all at once. As if everything else wasn't enough. This is a major change in my lifestyle.

2. Looking after my daughter when all i want to do is sleep but then i can't sleep but then i'm so muddle headed i can't do anything right. Poor child deserves better! This is the last chance for her and I to spend as much time as we can together and i'm wasting it by feeling sick. Not wanting to leave the house for fear that i'll feel tired and unable to stay awake during the day. This worry extends to getting her ready for school. Making sure she's fed. Her homework. School starts for her again this monday and there will be much to do. How will i do it all!?

3. Moving house. Yes. we are, in 2 weeks. We love to push all these stressful things together, don't we? What are we nuts! I'll be 32 weeks pregnant by then! But move we must. So i stress about the move. Have decided to have the movers pack us. Phew. But hubby wants to paint the new place, get curtains, I'm surprised he doesn't insist on ripping out the bathroom and redoing that too! But the good news is that once we've moved, I can truly start nesting.

4. Hubby. Poor, poor man having this nutcase to contend with. Along with work and moving house and everything else. I have become a spineless, thoughtless child constantly whining and asking him what to do. Calling him up at work to freak out about some stupid thing. Begging him not to travel for fear that I'll go crazy. It's just not fair for him and i worry that the weight of me will crush him and he will never recover. But i'm useless and can't stop bothering him. God, i love this man. I love him so much and hope he'll forgive me for being such a spineless bothersome creature.

5. Sleep. This sleep schedule can't be good. It ruins my days and nights are horrible. Though i guess i need to get used to night feedings. But even those can't be as bad as these nights!

6. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!! and we are not prepared. We have nothing for the child except for a couple bonds singlets that i ordered online. We have lots of things that i've gotten from friends coming to us but still. I am unprepared, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am not ready! and with my medical conditions, this boy is coming 2 weeks earlier and I AM NOT PREPARED!!!

7. Money, money, money. It is definately NOT sunny in my world. This could very well ruin us financially. Ruin us! and we have not choice but to spend because, this baby's coming out one day soon and nothings going to change that!

There now. 7 major stressors.  I can manage that, can't i? One thing at a time. I can do it. Can't I?

Hello again.

So here I am. Expectant. Again. At 29 weeks, i think we can say that we have a good, no... great chance of actually having our 2nd child. Years after expected and only by some miracle and quirk of fate. We are here. Pregnant. Waiting. Still a little unbelieving.

How is this possible!? (I'll post an article I wrote that goes over this surprise baby a little bit and drastically sugar coats much of how I felt.)

How is this possible?! I ask myself daily. As the little dude kicks and stretches inside me. As the daily pregnancy woes take over my life. And the only conclusion is that it was meant to be. An act of God. A wonderful, miraculous occurance that has brought us here now to 29 weeks.

It could have been no thanks to ourselves. Other than my husbands refusal to have the snip. Insisting that this could never, ever happen. Oh, and the actual deed itself, that implanted a child in my belly and now, 29 weeks on, we count down the weeks til we deliver a (hopefully) beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy.

But on this crazy sleepless night when I'm frustrated by insomnia and all the thoughts flying through my head, unable to sleep. Incompetent to put my fears aside and just let it be, I was pacing about, wishing, no praying for some, ANY sleep, that I remembered this blog and thought maybe, just maybe I would find some solace here by writing down my thoughts and then hopefully, finally, getting some rest.

This road has not been easy. Feeling sick the entire time since I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and fatigue early on. Then around week 14 came the start of my blood pressure woes and various medications that made me sick, nauseas, depressed, vomitting, too tired to care.

I had days I called my Sprite days. Where the only thing for me was liquid sugar like Ginger Beer, Sprite and 100plus. I had days I called good days, where I felt awesome and not much bothered me (these were very few and far in between). I had days where I was such a sad sook, I could do nothing but be sad and cry and bemoan every little detail that was uncomfortable, stressful and hard to take.

There were times that I was on the brink of giving up. Just tired of feeling so aweful, I had such dark moments, it scares me a little to think of those times. After a string of blood pressure medicine changes, we finally found a pill that lifted the depression but i still had sick, nauseous and Sprite days.

Finally, this last week on a nutty idea to get away to Bangkok for a week, I ended up in the Samitivej Hospital and diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They kept me at the hospital for 3 nights to observe. Strung up to a drip, scared, worried, unable to sleep even there. The food was atrocious, not to mention the diet of 2000 kcal per day they put me on and a diet for diabetes. I found myself detoxing from sugar, my only relief from the nausea i had been having. And all the crazies that I had felt all through these months starting to get better because of insulin injections and careful diet monitoring.

But still it's a change for me. And I have never been one who dealt well with change. (You can only imagine how well i'm dealing with the thought of the change in lifestyle and our family routine!) There is constant blood sugar monitoring. Before and after meals. There is meal adjustment, only able to eat certain things and in certain proportions. There are times to eat and times not to eat (even if i'm absolutely starving like i am right now!). And the insulin injections. I thought I was done with needles after all that IVF but here we are again with those groovy pen needle injections that I have to inject 3 or more times a day.

Worth it?! Absolutely, it will be. But right now, down in the dumps and ready to play darts with my needles, I am feeling uptight, stressed and totally not in control.

Am I thankful? Yes, I am, though it may not seem like it, I am. So grateful for this little miracle. So happy to be giving my only child a baby brother. I am in wonder and still surprised every day that we have come this far and yes, i'm thankful for this.

But sorry, you've probably not heard the last of my bitching and moaning about the surrounding misery that is going along with it.

Oops, i'm such a ditz

I have only just realised that i completely neglected to put my good-bye post online when i wrote it earlier this year. I have only discovered it now sitting innocently in my drafts. Just sitting there as if to say. What the hell, put me up, damn it! I'm such a ditz. Today i actually thought i had lost my car keys only to find them sitting in the ignition with the radio blaring. They had been there for two hours while i had a leisurely lunch with the former pregos and another dear friend. Someone could have taken it on a joyride and i would have never even known!

So i've put my last, last post up now but i feel like i have to say something cause it's perhaps 3 months late.

So far this year has been filled with anticipation, terror, joy, angst, drama, drama, drama, pleasure, pain, lots of tissue paper and has seemed so full already that i don't know how the rest of the year can possibly even fit into 2013!


The babies have been born and they are gorgeous, pink little bundles that seem perfect, never make a sound and just lay there looking all cute and sweet that i sometimes feel like crying with want and then i feel terror that i would be compelled to try just one more time. Then the drama of these days have made me wish so badly that i could have given my precious child another family member. Someone to be there, to support her. So she wouldn't have to go through life on her own, without a brother or sister, just so she didn't feel alone later on. Family is just not something that can be reproduced by any friendship or relationship... But just in case anyone is hoping that i'll start this all up again, i'm not. It's not meant to be, though the moments of wishing come and go, i know that life has put us where we are for a reason. And that's where i'm happy to be.

I re-read a few of my old posts from last year. Golly, you'd think a person would die from all that suffering! I mean, i read it and it was horrible. And i was a bitch. Horrible! And yet now it seems so distant and sooooo not as dramatic as i've written it to be. But there it is, captured forever on the internet. Maybe someone, somewhere will read it one day and it will help them through whatever they are going through. I want that someone to know that now, it doesn't even seem like it was that painful anymore. Just a part of my life that has gone quickly past and now, I'm gonna be ok.

So good bye (again). I really am trying to write that new blog but seriously, i find it so much easier to write about anger and angst, pain and my life as pathetic as it was last year. So i don't know how long this will last.

http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

But i'm gonna keep trying. Until i can't stand it no more and am back here again...

2 pregos and me. And this is good bye.

I've been hanging with two pregnant women (with 4 and 6 weeks to go respectively). One can not ignore that this would be humorous. Me, barren as the sky is dark plus 2 pregnant, about to pop ladies of leisure whom i love (so please, if you are reading, don't be offended). It is hilarious, this perverse situation. To think that i would have been 2 months behind them if my pregnancy had continued and we could all be drinking coffee and planning baby names, talking about breast feeding, poopy nappies and things to buy for baby. But nope. As it is, there is me. Not having a baby. And 2. About to have babies. I am so happy for them it hurts. And SO happy for me that i don't need to do the sleepless nights and sore nipples and smelly poos but also slight bit of sad because, well, you know.

I am also driver to the two said pregnant ladies. Which means i drive like a granny because of the precious cargo i hold in my little VW Golf. Not that i don't drive like a granny anyways. But even more so. Someone needs to stick a sign out the back of my very dirty little car that says "Pregnant Ladies on Board and this car ain't going any faster until one of their water breaks!"

Shopping also has its perks. Baby stores and maternity clothes it was today. And would it be so wrong of me if i bought a bunch of comfy maternity clothes only cause they felt so nice and soft. No one need know! Besides, i am constantly asked if i am pregnant anyways. And i always have to have a chuckle and say quite frankly "Nope. I am just fat." Really, really need to start to do something about that.

So soon and inevitably the babies will be born and it will be me + 2 mummies with newborns. And newborns scare the shit out of me so that will be even more hilarious. I know i'll love them but i also know i'll be perfectly happy to peer over the basinet at them, admiring them from afar.

Have started my new blog now - http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

Because it was time to move on and write about something other than trying to have babies, not having babies, the process of having babies, people having babies, me not having babies. It's just time to put it to rest and get on with other things now. Though having said that, the love of my life still insists on taking potshots (sex without contraception) and it terrifies me that we would have another "oopsie". To which he says that he guarantees that it will not happen. To which i say, of course you don't care cause it's not your body having to be poked and prodded and having things sucked out if it should happen! We're idiots, i know.

Anyways, i told him about my new blog and with a terrified look on his face, he asked what it was about. And i told him and he was relieved. Because, he thought it was going to be a sex blog (sweet spot reference and all). But it is completely innocent and harmless. I have NO idea why he would have thought that. But I don't actually know how i will sustain it because even with the first post (and that is as far as i've gotten), it is all about happiness and nice things and positivity. I don't know if my darker side will be able to handle it.

So for now, it's good bye to Hormonal in Hornsby. Must write an apology for the nasty things i've said about people in this blog but i really hope i would be forgiven for all that i've been through (not to mention that it was said in a haze of hormonal objection and angst). I had a thought that i should delete those nasty posts but they were very real parts of my journey so how could i? I just hope that i can be forgiven after all of this.

My life continues and some things are just not meant to be. Or perhaps. Some things are meant to be just as they are.

Almost the end of a year.

Nobody panic! I am not pregnant. My menstrual cycle has come and gone and all is well. I've only just been too busy to say anything about it. Probly a good thing. Nobody wants to hear about another body's bloody discharge. Ick Ew!

I can't believe it's almost the end of a year! If someone had told me that all would have transpired as it had, I probably would not have wanted to do 2012 at all! But here we are, at the doorstep of 2013 and I have survived. Though battered and bruised emotionally and physically poked and prodded far more than any poor bitch should be. I have still survived.

Things are not the same. I don't even think I can articulate where I'm at right now. Joy seems like a hard thing for me to find at the moment. Peace perhaps also alludes me. Though I am well and mostly happy, this year has been terribly unkind to me and it is with relief that it is ending.

2013 is going to be my year to find all the sweet spots lurking around me. Now. Can I pop the champagne early!