Oops, i'm such a ditz

I have only just realised that i completely neglected to put my good-bye post online when i wrote it earlier this year. I have only discovered it now sitting innocently in my drafts. Just sitting there as if to say. What the hell, put me up, damn it! I'm such a ditz. Today i actually thought i had lost my car keys only to find them sitting in the ignition with the radio blaring. They had been there for two hours while i had a leisurely lunch with the former pregos and another dear friend. Someone could have taken it on a joyride and i would have never even known!

So i've put my last, last post up now but i feel like i have to say something cause it's perhaps 3 months late.

So far this year has been filled with anticipation, terror, joy, angst, drama, drama, drama, pleasure, pain, lots of tissue paper and has seemed so full already that i don't know how the rest of the year can possibly even fit into 2013!


The babies have been born and they are gorgeous, pink little bundles that seem perfect, never make a sound and just lay there looking all cute and sweet that i sometimes feel like crying with want and then i feel terror that i would be compelled to try just one more time. Then the drama of these days have made me wish so badly that i could have given my precious child another family member. Someone to be there, to support her. So she wouldn't have to go through life on her own, without a brother or sister, just so she didn't feel alone later on. Family is just not something that can be reproduced by any friendship or relationship... But just in case anyone is hoping that i'll start this all up again, i'm not. It's not meant to be, though the moments of wishing come and go, i know that life has put us where we are for a reason. And that's where i'm happy to be.

I re-read a few of my old posts from last year. Golly, you'd think a person would die from all that suffering! I mean, i read it and it was horrible. And i was a bitch. Horrible! And yet now it seems so distant and sooooo not as dramatic as i've written it to be. But there it is, captured forever on the internet. Maybe someone, somewhere will read it one day and it will help them through whatever they are going through. I want that someone to know that now, it doesn't even seem like it was that painful anymore. Just a part of my life that has gone quickly past and now, I'm gonna be ok.

So good bye (again). I really am trying to write that new blog but seriously, i find it so much easier to write about anger and angst, pain and my life as pathetic as it was last year. So i don't know how long this will last.

http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

But i'm gonna keep trying. Until i can't stand it no more and am back here again...

2 pregos and me. And this is good bye.

I've been hanging with two pregnant women (with 4 and 6 weeks to go respectively). One can not ignore that this would be humorous. Me, barren as the sky is dark plus 2 pregnant, about to pop ladies of leisure whom i love (so please, if you are reading, don't be offended). It is hilarious, this perverse situation. To think that i would have been 2 months behind them if my pregnancy had continued and we could all be drinking coffee and planning baby names, talking about breast feeding, poopy nappies and things to buy for baby. But nope. As it is, there is me. Not having a baby. And 2. About to have babies. I am so happy for them it hurts. And SO happy for me that i don't need to do the sleepless nights and sore nipples and smelly poos but also slight bit of sad because, well, you know.

I am also driver to the two said pregnant ladies. Which means i drive like a granny because of the precious cargo i hold in my little VW Golf. Not that i don't drive like a granny anyways. But even more so. Someone needs to stick a sign out the back of my very dirty little car that says "Pregnant Ladies on Board and this car ain't going any faster until one of their water breaks!"

Shopping also has its perks. Baby stores and maternity clothes it was today. And would it be so wrong of me if i bought a bunch of comfy maternity clothes only cause they felt so nice and soft. No one need know! Besides, i am constantly asked if i am pregnant anyways. And i always have to have a chuckle and say quite frankly "Nope. I am just fat." Really, really need to start to do something about that.

So soon and inevitably the babies will be born and it will be me + 2 mummies with newborns. And newborns scare the shit out of me so that will be even more hilarious. I know i'll love them but i also know i'll be perfectly happy to peer over the basinet at them, admiring them from afar.

Have started my new blog now - http://sweetestspots.blogspot.sg/

Because it was time to move on and write about something other than trying to have babies, not having babies, the process of having babies, people having babies, me not having babies. It's just time to put it to rest and get on with other things now. Though having said that, the love of my life still insists on taking potshots (sex without contraception) and it terrifies me that we would have another "oopsie". To which he says that he guarantees that it will not happen. To which i say, of course you don't care cause it's not your body having to be poked and prodded and having things sucked out if it should happen! We're idiots, i know.

Anyways, i told him about my new blog and with a terrified look on his face, he asked what it was about. And i told him and he was relieved. Because, he thought it was going to be a sex blog (sweet spot reference and all). But it is completely innocent and harmless. I have NO idea why he would have thought that. But I don't actually know how i will sustain it because even with the first post (and that is as far as i've gotten), it is all about happiness and nice things and positivity. I don't know if my darker side will be able to handle it.

So for now, it's good bye to Hormonal in Hornsby. Must write an apology for the nasty things i've said about people in this blog but i really hope i would be forgiven for all that i've been through (not to mention that it was said in a haze of hormonal objection and angst). I had a thought that i should delete those nasty posts but they were very real parts of my journey so how could i? I just hope that i can be forgiven after all of this.

My life continues and some things are just not meant to be. Or perhaps. Some things are meant to be just as they are.