Done...

I am done with this year to date. Done, done, done!

There is nothing like living perpetually on hold. Anyone who's tried and failed or even had a slight delay in falling pregnant knows what I mean.

Nothing happens, nothing gets planned. Everything comes with a "what if I am pregnant" clause and it sucks. Everything is in slow motion and you feel like you can't move forward because what if. And what if is a terrible way to live. What if is confusing, frustrating and heart breaking when every month comes along and you realize you have another month to "try". Constantly wondering what if.

Then the months go by and even though there are so many people on this journey, each and every story is different and real. Each of us knows the hurt each month when the spotting comes or the damned pink line on the pee stick is negative. Each of us knows but nobody understands because it's such a personal journey. Don't even think partners are privy to what we go through.

Yep, I know I was done with this in Feb. Well and truly done. But on the other side, while life is frivolous and fabulous, you still remember and are scarred. You move on and the hurt is less and fading. But there are random moments where it comes back. And you wonder, what if we kept trying.

It is completely clear in my mind that things have turned out right and for a reason. I am really, truly glad that it's over and done with.

My life has gone on, frivolous and fancy. Last week I was cocooned in a blanket of luxury in Bangkok. It was all about me and damn it, I deserved it. But now i've returned itching to do something, to have a project or something other than living a life of leisure. (How could I, you ask!)

Prior to Bangkok, I was getting rather
comfy with my nothingness existence. Rather happy to remain without purpose or reason. And it was desperately needed. Time for not trying and not doing anything. It was needed.

On the sidelines, there was the saga of the love of my life's career choices and believe me, that is yet another way to live a life on hold. Much less hurtful but with that backing onto the 2 months of our hormonal in Hornsby saga, it has been hard to move on or sideways or anywhere because of all the what ifs standing in our way.

Thank God he has finally come to a conclusion and is moving on. And me, I need something to do. Something awesome that will give me back my Mojo. Which has gone completely missing and has forced me into fixating on the little things that don't matter but when you have little else that matters, even the stupid things become a big drama. Such a pathetic way to be.

I'm embarking on a search for something to do. I'm sure it's just another way of living what ifs. But along the way, I might just stumble onto something that I will love every single minute of the day. And maybe I won't, but at least I'm looking.