Monday, May 7, 2012

Boredom comes in stealth...

Well it does for me. First you're keeping busy, busy, busy, filling your time with this and that, trying to think that what you're doing is terribly important to the survival of your family, your friends, humanity in general until finally, you realise you've been sitting on your ass in front of facebook for 10 minutes, repeatedly refreshing, just waiting to see if anyone else is doing anything interesting. Yep, that is when you know, well, when i know that i've been terribly bored all this time and trying to ignore it.

It's not like i haven't been having fun. I have been. Heaps of it! I've been entertaining, being entertained, going hither and nither, drinking coffee, out to lunches, playdates for my child and living it up.

But all the while, in the back of my mind is this nagging feeling, like a tick tock clock saying, you're bored, you know it. you're bored, you know it.

But do i? Do i really know it? I mustn't really, really know if it i'm still flaffing around doing the same things and not really trying very hard to do much else. Not really wanting to do much else. Trying to convince myself that life is good and exciting and so much fun, i haven't the time to find anything else to do.

And there's maybe a shift in my mindset that needs to happen. That being around for my darling daughter is the most important thing i could do. And seeing as she's the only one, perhaps i should put in a teeny bit more effort when it comes to raising her. Perhaps i need to convince myself that it is the most important thing in the world to make sure she has healthy meals and learns to read and is taught to be a lovely little thing, polite and kind and happy with herself. Because it is. It really is the most important thing in the world. I know it in my head. Nothing else matters.

But still, nagging feeling in the back of my head. Maybe i just need to keep doing what i'm doing until it goes away.


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Today it hurts. It's come out of the blue and a complete surprise to me. Today it hurts because I was reading my old blog. The one where I got my darling daughter and how I got her and it was a reminder that I will never have another beautiful, precious child bumping around inside me. I'll never marvel at a newborn miracle that is my own. I will never laugh every day at an 18 months antics. Teach another one to talk or be polite or show them how to discover their toes or fingers and nose.

Saw a friends 6 month old and I was floored. All my memories of poopy nappies and sleepless night. So
happy I was to have dodged that bullet again, replaced by amazement at this intently and curiously staring child, taking it all in, trying to make sense of who I was and who she was and her place in the world. But content, held tightly by her mother with the absolute knowledge that the love was there and lasting. I'm not gonna have that again.

Today I'm hurt. And I'm sad and sorry and wishing it were some other way. But it isn't and I'll get over it again soon.