A little over 5 weeks has passed since I had the poor little thing scraped and sucked unceremoniously out of me. 5 weeks on - which means, of course, I am massively premenstrual. Anywhere between 3 to 6 weeks they say, before you get your next period. 3 to 6 weeks, and it has flown by - me, being to busy to notice that we are just about up to 6 weeks with no sign of my period. But there are signs. It's the bitching season! Don't cross me or you'll hear about. Slight agoraphobic tendencies come to the fore which is probably better for all involved seeing as it is the bitching season.
Thank goodness I've been too terribly busy to notice the passing of time or I might have begun my slight paranoia of accidentally getting pregnant again earlier. How... HOW could we be so irresponsible as to have unprotected sex again, you ask!? And it is true, we have been. Idiots. We're idiots. This minor bump in our lives had set us back thousands and it might only be next year before we're back on track. And still we play a game of roulette each time we do the deed. I really don't think love of my life thinks we could have another oopsie. Either that or he doesn't care cause i ask about protection and he just shrugs and what the hell, in the heat of the moment, there really is no way we'd stop. Total morons. That is exactly what we are.
So almost 6 weeks and ready to bleed away again. Just waiting, relishing the bitching season which had been absent since September. The irrational annoyance I feel at ALL things. The bloated belly and need to yell at people for any small thing. Interesting that it's almost a year to the anniversary that i flew off to Hornsby, starting this dramatic saga. It's been a crappy year. But maybe that's just the bitching season talking... Maybe, but I don't think so.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Shitty, lucky, luck
I'm feeling shitty right now. Shitty about my shitty, lucky, luck.
This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.
We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!
Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.
But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!
Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.
It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.
Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!
So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.
But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.
And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.
Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.
This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.
We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!
Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.
But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!
Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.
It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.
Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!
So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.
But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.
And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.
Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Cannot sleep
Can't sleep at 1am so i'm up and it's been a while since i've updated so why not.
A flurry of activity has occurred and we found ourselves yesterday paying a deposit on a car AND the place we will be renting from the 31st of Dec. Very expensive day. Very, very expensive. Leaving me around $30 in my savings account and an excited yet sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps we may be over compensating for our loss by buying a car! And trust me, here in Singapore, cars ain't cheap. Paying $80k for a 2 year old VW Golf sounds absolutely ridiculous! But that's what we've done. Well, hope to do, just waiting for the financial approval.
Wish i'd gone to sleep post coital, in that happy haze where everything is wonderful and everyone is relaxed and loved up. But nope! What were we thinking, my love and i, to stay up, only to get into issues that are deep and disturbing about our relationship and where it has gone or may be going. Not a good idea at all. Decided, after much discussion to call a truce, ignore our issues and get back to it another day.
Earlier today, we were discussing our lack of procreative prowess and love of my life has come up with an interesting theory. Perhaps my womb is inhospitable to things that have more of my own DNA rather than more of his DNA. The only reason my beautiful little star survived my womb was because her DNA is more like his. Though looking at her, you have to wonder who she is more like. Him or me. Though her body shape is definately his, i often feel like she is as much of a mini me as she can be.
Next doctors appointment, coming up on Tuesday, should be nicely revealing. Why did the poor thing fail inside me? Knowing it has to be genetics. But what if it comes back genetically sound. Does that open any doors to trying for another one?
For the first time this weekend, my darling daughter has asked for an older sister so that she would have someone to play with. I told her she would never have an older sister and having a younger one would mean years of pooping and crying before the play even started. She was fine with that but thankfully gave up the topic to watch Surviver with us on telly.
Either way, the search for a reliable means of contraception is on. I can not take pills. They make me psycho (more so than normal - it is NOT a pretty sight). He will not be snipped. God forbid anyone touches his precious boys - hell to pay! And i really, really can not go through this again so the time of unfettered sex is over. Though i did swear at him this weekend because we have not taken any precautions yet and i did a google and found out that a woman may ovulate anytime between 2-6 weeks after a D&C. We're just on 2 weeks and i swear, if there's another oopsie, i'm just going to loose it and will neuter him myself if i have to!
So another week is about to start. And now that we've finished most of the major things we had to do, i think i'll need to find other things to occupy myself with.
A flurry of activity has occurred and we found ourselves yesterday paying a deposit on a car AND the place we will be renting from the 31st of Dec. Very expensive day. Very, very expensive. Leaving me around $30 in my savings account and an excited yet sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps we may be over compensating for our loss by buying a car! And trust me, here in Singapore, cars ain't cheap. Paying $80k for a 2 year old VW Golf sounds absolutely ridiculous! But that's what we've done. Well, hope to do, just waiting for the financial approval.
Wish i'd gone to sleep post coital, in that happy haze where everything is wonderful and everyone is relaxed and loved up. But nope! What were we thinking, my love and i, to stay up, only to get into issues that are deep and disturbing about our relationship and where it has gone or may be going. Not a good idea at all. Decided, after much discussion to call a truce, ignore our issues and get back to it another day.
Earlier today, we were discussing our lack of procreative prowess and love of my life has come up with an interesting theory. Perhaps my womb is inhospitable to things that have more of my own DNA rather than more of his DNA. The only reason my beautiful little star survived my womb was because her DNA is more like his. Though looking at her, you have to wonder who she is more like. Him or me. Though her body shape is definately his, i often feel like she is as much of a mini me as she can be.
Next doctors appointment, coming up on Tuesday, should be nicely revealing. Why did the poor thing fail inside me? Knowing it has to be genetics. But what if it comes back genetically sound. Does that open any doors to trying for another one?
For the first time this weekend, my darling daughter has asked for an older sister so that she would have someone to play with. I told her she would never have an older sister and having a younger one would mean years of pooping and crying before the play even started. She was fine with that but thankfully gave up the topic to watch Surviver with us on telly.
Either way, the search for a reliable means of contraception is on. I can not take pills. They make me psycho (more so than normal - it is NOT a pretty sight). He will not be snipped. God forbid anyone touches his precious boys - hell to pay! And i really, really can not go through this again so the time of unfettered sex is over. Though i did swear at him this weekend because we have not taken any precautions yet and i did a google and found out that a woman may ovulate anytime between 2-6 weeks after a D&C. We're just on 2 weeks and i swear, if there's another oopsie, i'm just going to loose it and will neuter him myself if i have to!
So another week is about to start. And now that we've finished most of the major things we had to do, i think i'll need to find other things to occupy myself with.
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