Shitty, lucky, luck

I'm feeling shitty right now. Shitty about my shitty, lucky, luck.

This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.

We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!

Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.

But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!

Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.

It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.

Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!

So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.

But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.

And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.

Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.