So here I am. Expectant. Again. At 29 weeks, i think we can say that we have a good, no... great chance of actually having our 2nd child. Years after expected and only by some miracle and quirk of fate. We are here. Pregnant. Waiting. Still a little unbelieving.
How is this possible!? (I'll post an article I wrote that goes over this surprise baby a little bit and drastically sugar coats much of how I felt.)
How is this possible?! I ask myself daily. As the little dude kicks and stretches inside me. As the daily pregnancy woes take over my life. And the only conclusion is that it was meant to be. An act of God. A wonderful, miraculous occurance that has brought us here now to 29 weeks.
It could have been no thanks to ourselves. Other than my husbands refusal to have the snip. Insisting that this could never, ever happen. Oh, and the actual deed itself, that implanted a child in my belly and now, 29 weeks on, we count down the weeks til we deliver a (hopefully) beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy.
But on this crazy sleepless night when I'm frustrated by insomnia and all the thoughts flying through my head, unable to sleep. Incompetent to put my fears aside and just let it be, I was pacing about, wishing, no praying for some, ANY sleep, that I remembered this blog and thought maybe, just maybe I would find some solace here by writing down my thoughts and then hopefully, finally, getting some rest.
This road has not been easy. Feeling sick the entire time since I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and fatigue early on. Then around week 14 came the start of my blood pressure woes and various medications that made me sick, nauseas, depressed, vomitting, too tired to care.
I had days I called my Sprite days. Where the only thing for me was liquid sugar like Ginger Beer, Sprite and 100plus. I had days I called good days, where I felt awesome and not much bothered me (these were very few and far in between). I had days where I was such a sad sook, I could do nothing but be sad and cry and bemoan every little detail that was uncomfortable, stressful and hard to take.
There were times that I was on the brink of giving up. Just tired of feeling so aweful, I had such dark moments, it scares me a little to think of those times. After a string of blood pressure medicine changes, we finally found a pill that lifted the depression but i still had sick, nauseous and Sprite days.
Finally, this last week on a nutty idea to get away to Bangkok for a week, I ended up in the Samitivej Hospital and diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They kept me at the hospital for 3 nights to observe. Strung up to a drip, scared, worried, unable to sleep even there. The food was atrocious, not to mention the diet of 2000 kcal per day they put me on and a diet for diabetes. I found myself detoxing from sugar, my only relief from the nausea i had been having. And all the crazies that I had felt all through these months starting to get better because of insulin injections and careful diet monitoring.
But still it's a change for me. And I have never been one who dealt well with change. (You can only imagine how well i'm dealing with the thought of the change in lifestyle and our family routine!) There is constant blood sugar monitoring. Before and after meals. There is meal adjustment, only able to eat certain things and in certain proportions. There are times to eat and times not to eat (even if i'm absolutely starving like i am right now!). And the insulin injections. I thought I was done with needles after all that IVF but here we are again with those groovy pen needle injections that I have to inject 3 or more times a day.
Worth it?! Absolutely, it will be. But right now, down in the dumps and ready to play darts with my needles, I am feeling uptight, stressed and totally not in control.
Am I thankful? Yes, I am, though it may not seem like it, I am. So grateful for this little miracle. So happy to be giving my only child a baby brother. I am in wonder and still surprised every day that we have come this far and yes, i'm thankful for this.
But sorry, you've probably not heard the last of my bitching and moaning about the surrounding misery that is going along with it.
How is this possible!? (I'll post an article I wrote that goes over this surprise baby a little bit and drastically sugar coats much of how I felt.)
How is this possible?! I ask myself daily. As the little dude kicks and stretches inside me. As the daily pregnancy woes take over my life. And the only conclusion is that it was meant to be. An act of God. A wonderful, miraculous occurance that has brought us here now to 29 weeks.
It could have been no thanks to ourselves. Other than my husbands refusal to have the snip. Insisting that this could never, ever happen. Oh, and the actual deed itself, that implanted a child in my belly and now, 29 weeks on, we count down the weeks til we deliver a (hopefully) beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy.
But on this crazy sleepless night when I'm frustrated by insomnia and all the thoughts flying through my head, unable to sleep. Incompetent to put my fears aside and just let it be, I was pacing about, wishing, no praying for some, ANY sleep, that I remembered this blog and thought maybe, just maybe I would find some solace here by writing down my thoughts and then hopefully, finally, getting some rest.
This road has not been easy. Feeling sick the entire time since I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and fatigue early on. Then around week 14 came the start of my blood pressure woes and various medications that made me sick, nauseas, depressed, vomitting, too tired to care.
I had days I called my Sprite days. Where the only thing for me was liquid sugar like Ginger Beer, Sprite and 100plus. I had days I called good days, where I felt awesome and not much bothered me (these were very few and far in between). I had days where I was such a sad sook, I could do nothing but be sad and cry and bemoan every little detail that was uncomfortable, stressful and hard to take.
There were times that I was on the brink of giving up. Just tired of feeling so aweful, I had such dark moments, it scares me a little to think of those times. After a string of blood pressure medicine changes, we finally found a pill that lifted the depression but i still had sick, nauseous and Sprite days.
Finally, this last week on a nutty idea to get away to Bangkok for a week, I ended up in the Samitivej Hospital and diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They kept me at the hospital for 3 nights to observe. Strung up to a drip, scared, worried, unable to sleep even there. The food was atrocious, not to mention the diet of 2000 kcal per day they put me on and a diet for diabetes. I found myself detoxing from sugar, my only relief from the nausea i had been having. And all the crazies that I had felt all through these months starting to get better because of insulin injections and careful diet monitoring.
But still it's a change for me. And I have never been one who dealt well with change. (You can only imagine how well i'm dealing with the thought of the change in lifestyle and our family routine!) There is constant blood sugar monitoring. Before and after meals. There is meal adjustment, only able to eat certain things and in certain proportions. There are times to eat and times not to eat (even if i'm absolutely starving like i am right now!). And the insulin injections. I thought I was done with needles after all that IVF but here we are again with those groovy pen needle injections that I have to inject 3 or more times a day.
Worth it?! Absolutely, it will be. But right now, down in the dumps and ready to play darts with my needles, I am feeling uptight, stressed and totally not in control.
Am I thankful? Yes, I am, though it may not seem like it, I am. So grateful for this little miracle. So happy to be giving my only child a baby brother. I am in wonder and still surprised every day that we have come this far and yes, i'm thankful for this.
But sorry, you've probably not heard the last of my bitching and moaning about the surrounding misery that is going along with it.
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