Grateful

Today i was grateful. Ever so grateful because i have my one beautiful angel that i have been blessed with. The sweetest thing that could exist on this planet is my child and i do not know how i could love anything more. She is my little star. And a constant reminder that everything is ok because for her, nothing has gone wrong and everything is as it should be.

Darling husband has stumbled in tonight at 12.30am, stinking of alcohol and after a day of absolute silence on his part. I was already asleep when he came in. I'm used to not hearing from him in a day. I know it usually means he has had a bitch of a day and too busy to stop for anything. I'm used to not counting on him to care. Not expecting him to show up or let me know what is going on. The fact that he made it to every scan but the first one was always a surprise to me.

But really, tonight, did he have to wake me and then fall soundly asleep, snoring, keeping me wide awake to stew over his indifference. Remembering that first miscarriage where i felt so alone, trapped by circumstance, unable to escape and consumed by sadness and anger. Wondering if it would end us because he was so silent and i was so hurt. Though it does make this time around feel far less desperate. I am infuriated that he could sleep while i am up and pissed that he couldn't even bother to tell me when he'd be back or how long he'd be. Pissed that he couldn't even check if his wife was ok and not bleeding in an alley somewhere. Perhaps i should be flattered that he believes that i am made of such strong stuff that i wouldn't need him to touch base with me in a day. And i guess the fact that i don't proves just what i'm made of. I've already sorted out my procedure on Monday. i don't even need him to turn up. I'm just wondering if he would even stir if i bitch slapped him in his sleep right now.

Sometimes i wonder if i could have felt the moment the little thing gave up. The moment its heart stopped. The moment it died inside me (if death is even the word for it). I think about it but i can't find that significant moment. It just disappeared quietly and went away completely unnoticed sometime over the last 2 weeks. We'll be paying $800 for genetic testing to see what had gone wrong. i'm pretty sure that they will just find that it was made of dodgy genetic material and always doomed to fail. I think that the drugs i was taking to "support" the pregnancy was only prolonging its certain demise. Still it is better to know for sure. The doctor said it could help us solve the mystery about our failed ivf cycles or give us clues to help us try again (which i think is a horrible, horrible idea). Fact: We produce dodgy bastards. But hell, for $800, let's see if we can get us a certificate or something to make it official.

Which brings me back to being grateful. Because for all the dodgy bastards we've produced in our journey over the years, we have also somehow produced my perfect and beautiful little star.