Inappropriate

Would it be completely inappropriate of us to have a "We're not having a baby party"? Wouldn't it help make this feel far less horrible and depressing? We could decorate the walls with stats on our infertility and serve up non-virgin cocktails and devilled eggs. Not too sure what music we could play. I mean, i haven't really seen a playlist that has songs like "Hooray, you'll never have another baby" or "Oops, we did it again (failed to procreate remix)".

Maybe the classic Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart" would suffice because the chorus is pretty relevant to what is going on here. Besides, we had been Living on a Prayer these last few weeks. And just maybe.... Maybe if we hold on to what we've got. It won't make a difference if we have one or not. We got each other. And that's alot for love. We'll make it, i swear!

I can't wait to have the surgery done with tomorrow. To get the poor little thing out of me and get on with life although this morning i got up in a panic attack thinking about what would happen to my darling husband and beautiful child if i should die on the operating table and leave them to their own devices.

The reason this morbid thought had crossed my mind was the fact that i bled terribly after giving birth to my precious only child, thought i could have died but survived needing a blood transfusion to put me back in order. I know a D&C is not exactly like a birth but still, morbid thought that it was, it got me out of bed and i set about getting my affairs in order. Paying bills, recording passwords for my husband, doing laundry (because god forbid that hubby has no clothes to wear!). I was going to make videos telling my darling daughter how special and loved she was. And one for the love of my life thanking him for being the most wonderful man that i know.

The moment of panic has now passed and I have mostly convinced myself that this simple procedure could not be the end of me and i will probably live to see my child grow up and also live to grow old with this man of my dreams whom i have been with since i was 16. (Though if the unthinkable would happen, i at least know that this wonderful man would be able to raise my beautiful child and they would be just fine in the end.)

So here's hoping that by tomorrow evening, this ordeal will be over and life can return to its pre "Holy Fuck, how the hell did we get pregnant!?" glory. I think that might be something worth celebrating.