Friday night and all is well...

I got out of hospital on Tuesday and spent Wednesday and Thursday in such a frenzy that I can't even remember most of those days. I wanted to be back in the hospital because the anxiousness I was feeling was overwhelming, frightening and I just could not cope being out. I felt like vomitting at every meal and I almost went back to the hospital just so i could feel safe and secure. Those were horrible, horrible days and the nights even worse.

Tuesday night I got up at 3am and and never went back to sleep. Wed was worst. I got 45 min of sleep total. That's because i had seen another psychiatrist who specialises in prenatal depression and gotten new drugs off her. One of which was supposed to be a sleeping pill but after being awake all night, i decided to google it and it was a drug for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Not taking that one again!

Thursday was spent in a haze of tiredness. It was horrible and very hard to tell what was caused by depression/anxiety and what was caused because I was just downright tired. Thursday night came along and I decided to try these antihistimines, another drug from the new psychiatrist. i had taken half a dose at mid day and that zonked me out the rest of the day, i could not function or even help my darling daughter with her homework. I took it in hopes of getting some sleep. And I did. I was asleep more than awake and that was good enough for me. Still up every hour but better.

Then today, though i spent most of the morning in a tired haze, i went to see the new psychiatrist again, I had started to feel more like myself again. She said obviously the night medicine didn't work. And yes, in larger doses it is used for schitzophrenia, but with the dose i was taking, it was more of a sedative. (i'll be honest when i say, i think i needed sedating). Taking the antihistimine instead was fine.

Next stop was my endocrinologist who really, must think i'm the biggest nut case. (All my doctors must think so, i had been emailing them and harrassing them to no end with the hope of being admitted again.) I had them take off this continuous glucose monitoring device that i was wearing. It had a little plastic needle embedded into my belly and hooked up to this beeper device. Had it put in when i was in hospital but i couldn't stand it no more and ended up at the hospital to have it removed. Had a chat to the doc about my blood levels and what to do from there. We agreed i could try to be drug free for the weekend and see how it goes. If it doesn't get better, it's back on metformin for me. I seriously hope i can do drug free.

You see, the insanity of the last 2 nights were such that my lovely mother in law and I had spent two nights praying. Yesterday, she and darling husband were commenting on how much better i was though i didn't feel it, feeling so tired and out of it from the drugs and everything. And today. I'm loving today.

Today! Starting after i saw my endocrinologist... is the first time in weeks that i felt like myself again. And it didn't just last for an hour. It's been all day. I am so grateful and thankful. It is so nice to be back to myself. I pottered around the house. I could sit still for over 10 minutes and take in the view. I wasn't anxious and pacing everywhere. I did not need to prick my finger a hundred times to see my blood sugar (the device that was embedded into me and marked a trend where i'm pretty safe except after mealtimes when the blood sugar spikes).

Also decided that it'd be better for me not to take my anti nausea tablets. You google enough about a drug and you just know that it can't be good for you. And you know what, not much nausea except late afternoon when i took a quarter of a tab of the antihistimine which also works to settle the stomach.

Can not believe it. So unbelievably happy to be back to myself. So grateful and joyous. I have missed me. I have missed me terribly!

So praying for another night of sleep. and continued my-self-ness. If this could be then i might just make it to 38 weeks when the baby will be delivered. And more than that, i might just be ready to look after another little person.

Admitted

Babies are a miracle. They are these tiny little things that just popped out of a person's belly and are allovasudden thrust into the world and expected to live and survive. They are amazing. I say this as I walked down the halls of Raffles Hospital where, yes folks, I've been admitted and am spending another night.

Reason? Well, I guess there is not much wrong with me. Everything seems to be going well. Just that yesterday, it was aweful. Nausea, vomitting, feeling so anxious and outrageously incompetent of keeping myself together that I finally emailed my doctors and here i am. Cost of ignoring my day to day responsibilities for a day or two? Who the hell knows. I bet it'll be over $5k. But you know what, keeping me safe... Priceless.

So back to babies who are a miracle. They are amazing and I have one growing in my belly. I have one which is a gift of God. How could I not be amazed myself and grateful that I been given this little person to take care of! I need to remember that. I've walked down these halls and seen these little miracles, cuddled in ecstatic grandparents arms, with new parents and they are just the sweetest little blessings you can imagine. Who do i have to be so down and depressed about.

Met a new psychiatrist today and she is gorgeous. Mum of 3, though not looking nearly old enough to have even one. She spent a bit of time with me reminding me to be grateful and telling to try and think of a plan of what I need to do rather than feeling overwhelmed by everything. She's not big on drugs which is great for me. And the session did help me. I just think it might just take more time now to retrain my thinking and get myself back to what I used to be.

But i need to do this. I have to do this for myself, my family, my gorgeous child and for everyone who loves me.

I am so lucky to have the things i have. And it is possible. Anything is possible. She shared with me stories of so many people who have done it tougher than me and have become so successful. I need to remember that that is possible for me. I am not trapped. My life is not over just because i'm having another little one. Life can be good and I can enjoy it all again.

I just need to decide to do so and then try. Try harder than i have been. To be grateful and willing to just try to be positive instead of negative. The little miracle inside me depends on it.

Nothing really changes on this planet called crazy...

So went to get a blood test and see the doc today. Poor guy... He made room in his schedule just to see me and tell me that everything is really as it should (according to my bloods) and that it's probably all due to my anxiety issues. You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, all this crazy is because i feel, um.... CRAZY? 

I know it sounds weird but i was hoping there was some other reasonable medical explanation for all this instead of me being anxious and needy. I was hoping there was something that i could take a magic pill or shot and it would fix itself up. To know that it's just me being full of anxiety is a bit funny to me because, really, i'm usually so in control. This is not like me. It is not rational. It is not right. It downright pisses me off!

But it is the way it is. And the day was somewhat the same. After feeling so fab last night and most of the morning (hullo placebo about seeing the doctor), I had my usual crazies throughout the day and really, i'm over it. They say it could be my body getting used to lower blood sugar levels. Probably right, though i've been at it 3 weeks now and not much has changed. I'm an addict. To sugar. Hi addict, can you believe it. I almost lost it when darling husband refused to share a sip. Just one sip of his coca-cola. What the hell! So not fair.

But life's not fair. Thank God that it's not alot worse for me because, even though this seems like the worst. It could still be worst. And i should be grateful. As i was last night. Grateful that i have people who love me. And the best friends in the world. Ones who will take my darling child off my hands for hours on end just to help me out. And family. Loving, fabulous family who would drop everything just to be with me and help me through this.

But you know, i'm still a little pissed off. I'm just going to be! Hopefully soon i can let it go and get on with living.

Crazy

In a word... That's what i am right now... Crazy!

People talk about Prenatal or Postnatal depression and if this is what it's like, it is absolutely miserable. I'm miserable. I spend so much time pacing and telling myself to keep it together, it's not even funny.

After being prescribed antidepressants to help me sleep, I took them for maybe 4 days and it was supposed to help me sleep along with some drug that is the equivalent to Ambien. But I've stopped the antidepressents because it was making my head foggy all day long. Thank God I slept all last night with only the Ambien.

This is horrible. My parents are worried, my husband is worried, even my sweet little child is worried. I've tried not to freak out in front of her. I've really tried but sometimes I just can't stop it.
Never understood depressed individuals until now. Now it's like.... Ooooooooh. This is aweful. Utterly and miserably aweful.

I've tried praying and that totally helps. The belief in a Higher Power for help and relief is a powerful thing. I'm convinced that's why I was able to sleep all last night. Still, there are the days now. And i can't be on my own. I just can't! I'm scared of what may happen. What's to come. What I may do. I'm terrified.

My dad says I need to accept that I can't control everything and I should start getting better but it will take some time. I don't know if i have time!

My mum says i need to snap out of it. But how. HOW. If i knew, i would!

Poor hubby watches me as I go through my crazies and crying when I can and looks so worried and I hate myself for putting all the people I love through this. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to stop the madness and make myself better.

I'm miserable. Miserable! And totally crazy.

Most unusual

It is most unusual. Right now. It is 10.30pm and i'm not tired. It is 10.30pm and I'm awake and tired but not sleepy. Not freaking out, not having my pre sleep terrors. Not wanting to have my sleeping pill or freaking out about whether or not i should. It is weird. Just weird. Of course, i need to accept that it all may be about to come about, just an hour later because I had my snack later tonight.

But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.

Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.

Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...

In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.

Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.

I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.