It is most unusual. Right now. It is 10.30pm and i'm not tired. It is 10.30pm and I'm awake and tired but not sleepy. Not freaking out, not having my pre sleep terrors. Not wanting to have my sleeping pill or freaking out about whether or not i should. It is weird. Just weird. Of course, i need to accept that it all may be about to come about, just an hour later because I had my snack later tonight.
But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.
Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.
Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...
In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.
Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.
I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.
But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.
Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.
Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...
In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.
Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.
I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.
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