Little flutterbug

Another doc's appointment and the little bean has been very busy this week!

We could see a much stronger heartbeat and definate growth in size and form.

Yet more freaking out going on because this is becoming more and more real with each passing day.

Doc said its a good thing we caught it early cause my hormone levels are really very low so thankfully i got put on the drugs sooner rather than later.

Even with our miraculous blunder, the road of procreation is still treacherous and dicey, but still such a relief to see a real heartbeat, not just a hardly noticeable flutter.

Task for this week... Take it easy, continue with the drugs and try to keep the freak out moments at bay...

The faintest flicker

Saw the teeniest, tiniest, flutteriest heart beat today!

At the same time, the doc said the HCG's weren't doubling which could mean a failing pregnancy. BUT Google says that you shouldn't make too much out of the HCG levels cause they vary quite a bit.

Still, there are low hormone levels so have been told to up my drug dosage even higher to support the pregnancy. And Glam doc has scheduled my next appointment for next week cause as this case is "difficult", she wants to check in once a week until she's completely happy that all is going well. I am fine with that...

I have decided that i really must try and be a little bit optimistic. The pessimism is just making me angry and sad. So there... I'm optimistic.

I am pregnant...

And i'm freaking out. Even admitting that i am pregnant is freaking me out.

Damn those beaded bitches!

Meaning, the Progesterone that looks like little beads of pearls that i have to insert 3 times a day (don't ask me where). And the damn blue pills. The beaded bitches and the blue pills. Damn them both.

I think the cumulative effect of both drugs have now given me diarrhea. Oh yes, teeny, tiny detail. Pregnant. Knocked up. Which is, of course, why i'm taking the drugs in the first place.

I wish i could have been born with a happy pill. Like i so often say about my husband and most members of his family. Born with a happy pill cause nothing phases him. Never sees the negative. Always happy, happy, happy... It must be genetic.

I, on the other hand must have been born with a pessimistic pill. Cause i almost always think of the worst. Glass is half empty. Uterus is not half full.

So tomorrow, i have a doctors appointment and i'm freaking out cause i'll either see a fluttering heartbeat. Which would be just about the most positive thing that could happen. Or i will see a empty black hole.

But... this is strange... could i have a tiny bit of optimism in me! The good part of the scan tomorrow is that i think i'll know how well or how not well this is going and be able to know how to feel and what to do with this brief chapter in my life. 

For now, i am horribly tired and worn out from the shenanigans of the day. Totally and utterly worn out. With an aweful tummy ache + the runs... and darling husband is out for the night so there is no one to treat me with a little TLC.

So yes, damn those beaded bitches and the blue pills! If they up my dosage any more, i just might go stark raving mad!

Happy 38th Bday to me...

I'm not good at celebrating my birthday. Besides, the last time i was pregnant on my birthday (the big 30), it all ended in tears. So i think now, history might just repeat, though i hope i won't end up as pissed off and bitchy as last time around. Or at least for not as long... though the hormones and wondering are starting to send me quietly (or not so quietly) mad.

To celebrate my 38 years on this planet, we went off to high tea at the Fullerton Bay Hotel with my brother and his wife. Just the 4 of us. Blissful peace, quiet and harmony. And with a glass of champagne, i was completely able to let loose and have the best bitch session about everything that i have had in a long while! And I feel totally entitled to it. Besides. It is my 38th birthday. I have been given a surprise this year - and it HATE surprises. And this particular surprise is... quite frankly... the shittiest surprise i have been given in all my life. (Except for "the incident" surrounding my 30th birthday.)

Seriously, i don't mean to sound ungrateful for this precious gift. Because it is. A gift. A miracle. The will of God. Whatever you want to call it. I never thought i would ever be pregnant again. But did it seriously have to come with one big-assed string attached!? If it were cut and dried... guaranteed baby on the 15th of May 2013, i assure you, i could suck it up and be grateful and amazed and happy about this surprise turn of events.

But it isn't. It's shitty. It's shitty on both sides. Because the longer i have to wonder if little bean in there will pull through, the longer i have to be reminded of everything i thought i would thankfully never have to deal with again. All the things that i had already put behind me and put in the "NEVER AGAIN" basket! The sleepless nights, breastfeeding, pooey nappys, terrible twos, tortourous 3s... All of that we have left behind with joy.

I desperately want the little bean to live. I do. But i can't allow myself to believe it will because of all the testing and drugs we've been doing. And it hasn't seemed to be going so well since i found out. Everything seemed to be going better before i found out. So i can only deduct that the wrapping in cotton wool that i have been doing for the past week is NOT working and i best go back to doing whatever it was i was doing before.

Which was of course, everything wrong... Whatever you've been told you should try not to do when procreating. That was exactly what i was doing all these weeks leading up to this. And why not? WE WERE NOT TRYING TO PROCREATE!!!!! And yet here we are.

Before that life changing pee, i had been on the gin and tonics, tried to make myself cosmos at home, out for a few drinks with friends. And really, everyone who knows me, knows that i don't drink. But for some reason this last month, i have been, a little bit. (So lovely, marketing guru sis in law says the new catch-phrase for the infertile should be "Don't think, Drink!") Hell it worked for me. But maybe not.

Either way, i'm much better doing what i'm doing rather than being all too careful and trying to do everything by the "what to do when pregnant" book. Because at least when i'm doing my normal thing, i'm not thinking about what is going on in my uterus.

Therefore, i had a beautiful glass of champagne this afternoon. And i think i feel a bit better!

3rd blood test

Another day, another blood test. Here I was minding my own business when life decided it'd try and make things more interesting. I seriously did not need interesting right now.

It has fully taken me this long to come to terms with not having another one. And even as recent as last week, I was feeling sad at all the babies about to be born and wishing Leela had someone who'd be bound to her by blood. Even had a brief discussion with darling hubby about adoption and contemplating looking into it. Thinking that if I had been successful with IVF, that our baby would be due any day now.

So why. What is the point of all this!

Got a call from the doc. The actual glamourpuss doc, who wore a gorgeous, flowing silk maxi when she first met me, she was on the phone. And you know it can't be good news when the actual doctor calls... Anyway, she said the HCG went up - good. Even though it didn't get as high as I would have liked, whose to argue with my glam doc. But then the Progesterone want down. And the E2 went up but probly not enough so they've doubled my drug dosage and called me back in for a blood test on Tues. Also scheduling a scan with my glamour doc for the same day.

And I am left trying to decode the results, still feeling nervous and scared. Unable to get any difinitive information from the lovely medical professionals who seem to thrive on being vague and contradictory.

How is a person supposed to function like this?

Wondering

Still wondering how this could be possible and how it could end.

Will I have a baby? Seeing a newborn seriously freaks me out!

Will I not have a baby? Potentially loosing this one breaks my heart.

I just have no idea how to feel about this. Gut instinct is to prepare myself for disappointment. Like so many cycles past, it always ends with nothing.

But this wasn't at the end of a cycle. After all the needles and hoping and hard work that comes with IVF. I'm so used to that disappointment at the end of it. Having to pick myself up and get on with it.

This has been with no effort. Just alot of sex. Which has been done by us before with no result. Never in my thought did I think this could happen. Certain that we were as sterile as a bottle of dettol!

This is a miraculous conception. A fluke, a unexpected surprise! I can't even call it an answer to prayer because I wasn't praying to be pregnant. I was praying that I could accept not having another. And that my darling daughter could be happy without a sibling.

But still, after all these years of trying, almost 10 now, and only having the one amazing child, my gut reaction is to prepare for disappointment.

Could I even begin to let myself be happy or excited. Now that a few people are finding out and seeing their wonder and joy, their obvious shock and amazement, I'm still the pessimist. Still not able to comprehend what the hell is going on right now!

Desperate to know how the little
thing is doing in there. I've seen the gestational sac with my own eyes. Stared at it and couldn't believe it was there though the ultrasound wand was very obviously stuck up me!

Next blood test tomorrow. More paranoia, more waiting, hoping, wondering. I don't know if I can deal with this!

Testing, testing

Got my BT results.

Progesterone up - hooray!
E2 down - boo!
B-hcg is 2464 - I was hoping for over 2k. Good, I think.

Been given another drug to take to support the pregnancy. STILL not sure where this is headed. And another blood test on Sat. Starting to feel like a pincushion again.

Every bit of me wants the little thing in there to get nice and comfy, to keep growing and become real to me.

Have decided to chill in front of the telly and take it easy before I need to pick up my darling daughter.

2nd blood test

Sitting in the waiting room waiting for my next blood test. I've asked if they can take the beta HCG test so I can see what level it's at. The doc didn't order one cause she saw the gestational sac, but paranoid as I am, I want to know how high it's gotten.

Hoping and praying that all is ok. After everything, it is easier for me to be pessimistic. And even now, I'm still spinning out that this could even happen! Last night I was talking to my darling husband about how I could be pregnant and he had to stop me and say.. You ARE pregnant! And that freaked me out yet again.

Funny how one day, I'm perfectly normal, and now, since I know there's something there, I'm allovasudden rife with pregnancy symptoms. I bet if I hadn't peed on a stick, i'd still be feeling normal. But now, since I'm all knowing, i feel everything. Somebody should just wrap me in cotton wool and rest me on a bed for the next 7 weeks!

I find this a most bizarre situation. I have no idea what to think or how to feel. I want to be excited and happy, but i'm so used to disappointment, i'm scared to be optimistic. It's just so unreal.

The 50 shades anomaly

Life has a way of screwing you around. Just when you think you've come to terms, moved forward and are making plans for your future, here comes life. Fucking you up once again!

Yesterday, I was staring open mouthed at two pink lines on a HPT. I had to check the packaging to make sure what I was seeing was right! The strongest two pink lines I have ever seen in my life, staring back at me. Holy shit....

Why did I pee on a stick? Cause my period was marginally late and I just thought what the hell. I'm late all the time. And peeing on a stick is always negative and always gets my period to start. Not to mention how terribly infertile we are. Barren. Inconcievable. Duds in procreation...But this time, two pink lines! Two! I counted them. One... Two... There they both were. It is just so impossible. So unbelievable. I chose to think that the sticks were dodgy, ignore the result and continue with my day. Told hubby who last night went out and got a fancy test. One of those digitized ones that will tell you how far along you are.

After some convincing, I peed on the fancy stick but couldn't bear to look at it and gave it to my darling husband who, in 3 minutes, said to me... It says you're 3+.

I say. What the hell does that mean?

He says. It means you are 5 weeks pregnant. (that's based on my last period)

Which of course means that in all probability, this happened while I was reading the second two books of 50 Shades of Gray and we were doing it nightly in various ways.

He says. Goes to prove we weren't doing it enough.

I says. Doesn't prove anything. This can't be happening...

So back to denial. Happy in denial. Denial is safe and it means I don't need to think about the pros, cons what ifs! I like denial.

So this morning after repeatedly telling hubby that I don't know what to do and would like to remain in denial, he tells me to go and get a blood test so we can see if it's viable.

I end up rocking in to the Raffles hospital unannounced. Expecting a runaround and absolutely no help, I'm relieved when a lovely nurse decides to take pity on me and allows me to wait to see a doc without an appointment. V impresses with this hospital. The doc I'm given is lovely and glamorous and does an ultrasound. Staring back at me is a sack. Too early for a fetal heartbeat but it's there... A yolk sack.

I am struck speechless. Doc says. It's there. Confirmed pregnancy. It's definately there.

I am freaking out! I had put this behind me. I was just starting to get my life in some semblance of order! What is going on!

Doc orders a blood test to check my hormone levels and sends me on my way.

I spend the rest of my time in a haze of unbelieving and yelling out what the hell in my head. And sometimes out loud.

And just when I'm starting to believe that this could be real, I get a call that my test results are in. The hormone levels are low. And I need to rush in to get some drugs to help support the pregnancy. Scheduled another blood test for Thurs.

So here I am. Back at waiting and everyone knows how much I hate waiting!!!