I'm not good at celebrating my birthday. Besides, the last time i was pregnant on my birthday (the big 30), it all ended in tears. So i think now, history might just repeat, though i hope i won't end up as pissed off and bitchy as last time around. Or at least for not as long... though the hormones and wondering are starting to send me quietly (or not so quietly) mad.
To celebrate my 38 years on this planet, we went off to high tea at the Fullerton Bay Hotel with my brother and his wife. Just the 4 of us. Blissful peace, quiet and harmony. And with a glass of champagne, i was completely able to let loose and have the best bitch session about everything that i have had in a long while! And I feel totally entitled to it. Besides. It is my 38th birthday. I have been given a surprise this year - and it HATE surprises. And this particular surprise is... quite frankly... the shittiest surprise i have been given in all my life. (Except for "the incident" surrounding my 30th birthday.)
Seriously, i don't mean to sound ungrateful for this precious gift. Because it is. A gift. A miracle. The will of God. Whatever you want to call it. I never thought i would ever be pregnant again. But did it seriously have to come with one big-assed string attached!? If it were cut and dried... guaranteed baby on the 15th of May 2013, i assure you, i could suck it up and be grateful and amazed and happy about this surprise turn of events.
But it isn't. It's shitty. It's shitty on both sides. Because the longer i have to wonder if little bean in there will pull through, the longer i have to be reminded of everything i thought i would thankfully never have to deal with again. All the things that i had already put behind me and put in the "NEVER AGAIN" basket! The sleepless nights, breastfeeding, pooey nappys, terrible twos, tortourous 3s... All of that we have left behind with joy.
I desperately want the little bean to live. I do. But i can't allow myself to believe it will because of all the testing and drugs we've been doing. And it hasn't seemed to be going so well since i found out. Everything seemed to be going better before i found out. So i can only deduct that the wrapping in cotton wool that i have been doing for the past week is NOT working and i best go back to doing whatever it was i was doing before.
Which was of course, everything wrong... Whatever you've been told you should try not to do when procreating. That was exactly what i was doing all these weeks leading up to this. And why not? WE WERE NOT TRYING TO PROCREATE!!!!! And yet here we are.
Before that life changing pee, i had been on the gin and tonics, tried to make myself cosmos at home, out for a few drinks with friends. And really, everyone who knows me, knows that i don't drink. But for some reason this last month, i have been, a little bit. (So lovely, marketing guru sis in law says the new catch-phrase for the infertile should be "Don't think, Drink!") Hell it worked for me. But maybe not.
Either way, i'm much better doing what i'm doing rather than being all too careful and trying to do everything by the "what to do when pregnant" book. Because at least when i'm doing my normal thing, i'm not thinking about what is going on in my uterus.
Therefore, i had a beautiful glass of champagne this afternoon. And i think i feel a bit better!
No comments:
Post a Comment