Wondering

Still wondering how this could be possible and how it could end.

Will I have a baby? Seeing a newborn seriously freaks me out!

Will I not have a baby? Potentially loosing this one breaks my heart.

I just have no idea how to feel about this. Gut instinct is to prepare myself for disappointment. Like so many cycles past, it always ends with nothing.

But this wasn't at the end of a cycle. After all the needles and hoping and hard work that comes with IVF. I'm so used to that disappointment at the end of it. Having to pick myself up and get on with it.

This has been with no effort. Just alot of sex. Which has been done by us before with no result. Never in my thought did I think this could happen. Certain that we were as sterile as a bottle of dettol!

This is a miraculous conception. A fluke, a unexpected surprise! I can't even call it an answer to prayer because I wasn't praying to be pregnant. I was praying that I could accept not having another. And that my darling daughter could be happy without a sibling.

But still, after all these years of trying, almost 10 now, and only having the one amazing child, my gut reaction is to prepare for disappointment.

Could I even begin to let myself be happy or excited. Now that a few people are finding out and seeing their wonder and joy, their obvious shock and amazement, I'm still the pessimist. Still not able to comprehend what the hell is going on right now!

Desperate to know how the little
thing is doing in there. I've seen the gestational sac with my own eyes. Stared at it and couldn't believe it was there though the ultrasound wand was very obviously stuck up me!

Next blood test tomorrow. More paranoia, more waiting, hoping, wondering. I don't know if I can deal with this!