Saturday, December 20, 2014

Welcome to the world!

So, not much did happen after 9.15am when the epidural went in. It was very slow goings. The doc came by mid morning and said i still wasn't dilating very fast and delivery may be around midnight. Sigh.... Anyways, a whole day of just waiting went by. I was bed bound of course but slept and rested, watched some TV.

When dinner came around 6, i couldn't eat it, and after that, anything i put in my mouth came up again so i decided to leave it alone. I started to feel a teeny bit of pain and the anasthegiologist came by to top up my epidural. Still a little bit of pain. A nurse came by afterwards to readjust the baby monitor and took so long to find the baby again, she started to wonder if something was going on. She decided to check if i was dilated and i had all of a sudden gone from 4cm to 9cm! Almost ready to push! By 9.30 the midwives were hanging about and did 3 practice pushes with me. Then told me to wait until the Dr came by. I prepared myself for a couple hours of pushing and wondered why the doc would be there so early.

10.30pm, the Dr shows up, puts on his rubber boots and gets settled. Here we go. With a mighty yell he says a contraction is coming and to push really hard for 10 counts. We do that 3 times and then on the 4th push, all of a sudden my little man pops out and is put on my lap. It is 10.43pm on the 16th of December. I can not believe it. He is beautiful, perfect. Welcome to the world. Weight 2.58kg. He is my tiny little miracle.


Monday, December 15, 2014

I love my anesthesiologist!

9.15. The epidural is in. It's all happening and I can't believe that I'm finally saying that I'm feeling a bit of excitement now.

We had a second dose of prostin around 5.30am. I had been feeling contractions for a while and they were 5 minutes apart but my cervix was still long and only 1cm dilated. So they put another dose into me and left me to my own devices.

The contractions were painful but not as bad as I thought so i had a snooze and before I knew it, my perky anesthesiologist was here and it was all happening. I don't know how long it'll take from now. With my darling daughter it was 5 or 6 hours til delivery. Maybe this one will be faster and easier. I can only hope!

So difference between first and second child. Last time my dear husband was by my side holding my hand when the epidural went in. This time... Sitting in the armchair on his laptop hardly even looking up during the while thing.

Now I'm gonna watch a movie and relax until it's time to push. I so hope it doesn't take too long!

Tonight is the night.

So here I am. Back in the hospital but this time I'm here to have the baby. We are having an induction at week 37 + 2 days. It was a bit of a ringmarole to get here but here we are.

It's 12.45am and they just unceremoniously shoved a tablet (prostin) into my vagina and told me no walking about for two hours. Gee thanks! I just drank a whole freaking bottle of water before leaving home.

They will b back around 5.30 to decide if I need another tablet.

So night night. I'm gonna try and get some sleep and hope that all goes well. It's been such a horrible and bizarre road to get here, I'm a bit afraid of what's to come. But this kids coming out somehow. So I best get as much rest as possible.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Friday night and all is well...

I got out of hospital on Tuesday and spent Wednesday and Thursday in such a frenzy that I can't even remember most of those days. I wanted to be back in the hospital because the anxiousness I was feeling was overwhelming, frightening and I just could not cope being out. I felt like vomitting at every meal and I almost went back to the hospital just so i could feel safe and secure. Those were horrible, horrible days and the nights even worse.

Tuesday night I got up at 3am and and never went back to sleep. Wed was worst. I got 45 min of sleep total. That's because i had seen another psychiatrist who specialises in prenatal depression and gotten new drugs off her. One of which was supposed to be a sleeping pill but after being awake all night, i decided to google it and it was a drug for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Not taking that one again!

Thursday was spent in a haze of tiredness. It was horrible and very hard to tell what was caused by depression/anxiety and what was caused because I was just downright tired. Thursday night came along and I decided to try these antihistimines, another drug from the new psychiatrist. i had taken half a dose at mid day and that zonked me out the rest of the day, i could not function or even help my darling daughter with her homework. I took it in hopes of getting some sleep. And I did. I was asleep more than awake and that was good enough for me. Still up every hour but better.

Then today, though i spent most of the morning in a tired haze, i went to see the new psychiatrist again, I had started to feel more like myself again. She said obviously the night medicine didn't work. And yes, in larger doses it is used for schitzophrenia, but with the dose i was taking, it was more of a sedative. (i'll be honest when i say, i think i needed sedating). Taking the antihistimine instead was fine.

Next stop was my endocrinologist who really, must think i'm the biggest nut case. (All my doctors must think so, i had been emailing them and harrassing them to no end with the hope of being admitted again.) I had them take off this continuous glucose monitoring device that i was wearing. It had a little plastic needle embedded into my belly and hooked up to this beeper device. Had it put in when i was in hospital but i couldn't stand it no more and ended up at the hospital to have it removed. Had a chat to the doc about my blood levels and what to do from there. We agreed i could try to be drug free for the weekend and see how it goes. If it doesn't get better, it's back on metformin for me. I seriously hope i can do drug free.

You see, the insanity of the last 2 nights were such that my lovely mother in law and I had spent two nights praying. Yesterday, she and darling husband were commenting on how much better i was though i didn't feel it, feeling so tired and out of it from the drugs and everything. And today. I'm loving today.

Today! Starting after i saw my endocrinologist... is the first time in weeks that i felt like myself again. And it didn't just last for an hour. It's been all day. I am so grateful and thankful. It is so nice to be back to myself. I pottered around the house. I could sit still for over 10 minutes and take in the view. I wasn't anxious and pacing everywhere. I did not need to prick my finger a hundred times to see my blood sugar (the device that was embedded into me and marked a trend where i'm pretty safe except after mealtimes when the blood sugar spikes).

Also decided that it'd be better for me not to take my anti nausea tablets. You google enough about a drug and you just know that it can't be good for you. And you know what, not much nausea except late afternoon when i took a quarter of a tab of the antihistimine which also works to settle the stomach.

Can not believe it. So unbelievably happy to be back to myself. So grateful and joyous. I have missed me. I have missed me terribly!

So praying for another night of sleep. and continued my-self-ness. If this could be then i might just make it to 38 weeks when the baby will be delivered. And more than that, i might just be ready to look after another little person.


Sunday, November 9, 2014

Admitted

Babies are a miracle. They are these tiny little things that just popped out of a person's belly and are allovasudden thrust into the world and expected to live and survive. They are amazing. I say this as I walked down the halls of Raffles Hospital where, yes folks, I've been admitted and am spending another night.

Reason? Well, I guess there is not much wrong with me. Everything seems to be going well. Just that yesterday, it was aweful. Nausea, vomitting, feeling so anxious and outrageously incompetent of keeping myself together that I finally emailed my doctors and here i am. Cost of ignoring my day to day responsibilities for a day or two? Who the hell knows. I bet it'll be over $5k. But you know what, keeping me safe... Priceless.

So back to babies who are a miracle. They are amazing and I have one growing in my belly. I have one which is a gift of God. How could I not be amazed myself and grateful that I been given this little person to take care of! I need to remember that. I've walked down these halls and seen these little miracles, cuddled in ecstatic grandparents arms, with new parents and they are just the sweetest little blessings you can imagine. Who do i have to be so down and depressed about.

Met a new psychiatrist today and she is gorgeous. Mum of 3, though not looking nearly old enough to have even one. She spent a bit of time with me reminding me to be grateful and telling to try and think of a plan of what I need to do rather than feeling overwhelmed by everything. She's not big on drugs which is great for me. And the session did help me. I just think it might just take more time now to retrain my thinking and get myself back to what I used to be.

But i need to do this. I have to do this for myself, my family, my gorgeous child and for everyone who loves me.

I am so lucky to have the things i have. And it is possible. Anything is possible. She shared with me stories of so many people who have done it tougher than me and have become so successful. I need to remember that that is possible for me. I am not trapped. My life is not over just because i'm having another little one. Life can be good and I can enjoy it all again.

I just need to decide to do so and then try. Try harder than i have been. To be grateful and willing to just try to be positive instead of negative. The little miracle inside me depends on it.



Saturday, November 8, 2014

Nothing really changes on this planet called crazy...

So went to get a blood test and see the doc today. Poor guy... He made room in his schedule just to see me and tell me that everything is really as it should (according to my bloods) and that it's probably all due to my anxiety issues. You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, all this crazy is because i feel, um.... CRAZY? 

I know it sounds weird but i was hoping there was some other reasonable medical explanation for all this instead of me being anxious and needy. I was hoping there was something that i could take a magic pill or shot and it would fix itself up. To know that it's just me being full of anxiety is a bit funny to me because, really, i'm usually so in control. This is not like me. It is not rational. It is not right. It downright pisses me off!

But it is the way it is. And the day was somewhat the same. After feeling so fab last night and most of the morning (hullo placebo about seeing the doctor), I had my usual crazies throughout the day and really, i'm over it. They say it could be my body getting used to lower blood sugar levels. Probably right, though i've been at it 3 weeks now and not much has changed. I'm an addict. To sugar. Hi addict, can you believe it. I almost lost it when darling husband refused to share a sip. Just one sip of his coca-cola. What the hell! So not fair.

But life's not fair. Thank God that it's not alot worse for me because, even though this seems like the worst. It could still be worst. And i should be grateful. As i was last night. Grateful that i have people who love me. And the best friends in the world. Ones who will take my darling child off my hands for hours on end just to help me out. And family. Loving, fabulous family who would drop everything just to be with me and help me through this.

But you know, i'm still a little pissed off. I'm just going to be! Hopefully soon i can let it go and get on with living.




Friday, November 7, 2014

Crazy

In a word... That's what i am right now... Crazy!

People talk about Prenatal or Postnatal depression and if this is what it's like, it is absolutely miserable. I'm miserable. I spend so much time pacing and telling myself to keep it together, it's not even funny.

After being prescribed antidepressants to help me sleep, I took them for maybe 4 days and it was supposed to help me sleep along with some drug that is the equivalent to Ambien. But I've stopped the antidepressents because it was making my head foggy all day long. Thank God I slept all last night with only the Ambien.

This is horrible. My parents are worried, my husband is worried, even my sweet little child is worried. I've tried not to freak out in front of her. I've really tried but sometimes I just can't stop it.
Never understood depressed individuals until now. Now it's like.... Ooooooooh. This is aweful. Utterly and miserably aweful.

I've tried praying and that totally helps. The belief in a Higher Power for help and relief is a powerful thing. I'm convinced that's why I was able to sleep all last night. Still, there are the days now. And i can't be on my own. I just can't! I'm scared of what may happen. What's to come. What I may do. I'm terrified.

My dad says I need to accept that I can't control everything and I should start getting better but it will take some time. I don't know if i have time!

My mum says i need to snap out of it. But how. HOW. If i knew, i would!

Poor hubby watches me as I go through my crazies and crying when I can and looks so worried and I hate myself for putting all the people I love through this. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to stop the madness and make myself better.

I'm miserable. Miserable! And totally crazy.

Most unusual

It is most unusual. Right now. It is 10.30pm and i'm not tired. It is 10.30pm and I'm awake and tired but not sleepy. Not freaking out, not having my pre sleep terrors. Not wanting to have my sleeping pill or freaking out about whether or not i should. It is weird. Just weird. Of course, i need to accept that it all may be about to come about, just an hour later because I had my snack later tonight.

But you see, today has been rather.... interesting. Started out mostly the same as any other morning. I get up, I have my Special K and milk. Then i felt ok for a while but after i had my snack, i found that the elastic around the waist of my fat shorts had broken and that broke me. I cried. I was so upset by it all, my poor mum who was napping came out to see me and fixed up those damned shorts for me with needle and thread.

Then it was lunch. Same old, same old terror of what to eat. Feeling nauseated at lunch but managing to push something down while at the same time feeling anxious that I didn't have enough to eat and then who the hell knows what would happen to me! Dropped my darling daughter off to a playdate then off to visit my brother and sister in law at the hospital. (They are about to have a baby on Monday). While there, had my usual nervousness but tried to keep it together on account of them. Had my snack while i was there.

Then after our visit, we went to Starbucks where we had a family pow wow. I am so, so grateful for my brother. He has been through so much. So much... I and never appreciated it until now. Never knew how rough it could be. How hard and uncontrollable any of this is to any of us minions on this planet earth. Listened to him give me advice and tell me his story. Had a cry when he told me honestly to call him any time. And even though it might be a bother... I'm worth it. I am worth it...

In the car after, on our way to pick up my dearest child, I prayed. And two seconds after, I got an email from the endocronologist's nurse (whom I had harrassed earlier and was supposed to get back to me). I thought, here we go. She didn't even want to speak to me personally. Here was an email to say she'd talk to me tomorrow. But no. It wasn't. It was an email to say to please stop injecting insulin and to come in tomorrow for a blood test and visit with the doctor. Wow. All this time they've just been upping my insulin doses. And i've been obediently, and freaking outishly following them blindly. All the while feeling like a crazy, psycho, depressed person who could not hold anything together. Nothing. But this changed how I felt immediately. I don't know why and I don't know if it will make any sort of difference anyways, but I felt better. For that moment, and perhaps 2 hours later, I felt better.

Dinner came and went, same nausea at dinner time, same nervousness and anxiety. But somehow, some way it went away around 8.30 and now it's been 2 hours and i'm feeling good. Like myself! I even had a sense of humour again. Unusual. But good and i am so so grateful right now, to God, to the people who love me... for everything and these few hours of peace and feeling like myself again. I don't even know where to begin to say thanks right now.

I'm accepting that perhaps this may not last forever. I'm accepting that maybe. just maybe soon, i'll be back to the deep dark feelings I have been feeling. But right now, I am just thankful. Oh and here's a yawn. I'm going to bed.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

I'm freaking out, Jerry!

Gone are the days where as college students we would gather every Thursday for must see TV and giggle at Seinfeld. Ah those carefree days. Those fun, mostly worry free days of fun and laughter. All we were responsible for was to study and for some of us, even that was debatable (not me of course).

So now when i say I'm freaking out, Jerry! I mean it. I am freaking out, Jerry.

My nights go like this.... About 8pm, i'm just about comotose, propping eyes open so i can stay up to take my blood glucose reading, inject myself with insulin and have my evening snack. By 9, I have done all of those and am dozing on and off while trying to watch TV. Trying and failing to stay awake so I can sleep later. If i were to turn the TV off and just accept the sleepiness, my slumber is not complete because with the TV off, i'm left to my own brain devices.

Between 10 and 11, the same continues. By midnight, I am wide awake. Freaking out. Thinking things and worrying. Frantic, psychotic, crazy. Hungry. because by then the snack and dinner has worn off. Hungry, thirsty and just silly enough to drink a whole mug of camomile tea because i think it might help. And it does but then i have to contend with bladder issues for the rest of the freaking night!

The AM hours roll around and as my household sleeps peacefully in separate bedrooms.  Yes, poor hubby is sleeping in the office for me and my 20 something pillows need the whole bed to ourselves... though probably best that I don't subject him to my freaking out as it continues. Past 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. and around that time, its time to give up. Some nights if i'm lucky i'll get in an hour or two of sleep here and there between those hours.

It's miserable and tiring. The days are long and you can imagine how i'm feeling all day only to have another night like this to look forward to. Nothing seems to help. I'm freaking out, Jerry and nothing I do seems to stop it!

Calm down, you say. What can be so horrible, you wonder. And yes, i wonder too. I'm just a freaking out kind of girl.

This night after sneaking in a whole half hour of blissful sleep, I went to go back to sleep and the very thought of meals for the next day set me of on a tailspin of thinking and worrying and freaking. There is too much to do. Too much to feel. Too much that i can't control or if i can, it's so much effort and all too hard.

But it shouldn't be. I'm a grown woman. I am 40 and I am smart and usually very self sufficient. What has turned me into this miserable mess of a person. Tonight, i was pacing my room, talking to myself, telling myself it would be ok. Telling myself not to worry. Did i listen to myself? Nope! I was pacing and crazy. About to tear things apart and go nuts. Oh i'm a nutcase alright. And panic rises about me all the time and I try. I try to squash it with rational thoughts like... Do things one at a time. It's not so hard if you do it bit by bit.

I try. I really try. to leave the worry behind. Focus on the precious cargo inside me. He will make it all worth it, won't he? So the diabetes food, the meals, the stress, the anguish. It should be a small matter. A little inconvenience compared to the great joy he will bring me in only 8 short weeks.
Can i pull it together? Can i keep my sanity for 8 more weeks? Can i choke down any more tasteless chicken breast, stick myself full of hundreds of more needles. I don't know.

What has gotten me in to such a flap? Maybe if i listed them, I would laugh and be able to get some perspective.

1. Gestational diabetes and the need to feed myself certain things at certain times. I'm all about food so this is tough for me. 3 meals a day of some sort of carb, some lean meat (goodness, i hate chicken breast now), some veg. 3 snacks of dry cracker and milk. That's it. That's all i get. And for goodness sake, this ex food writer, foodie, obsessive about food kind of girl is not coping with this. Not coping at all! Not to mention the medications, the food counting, the blood sugar readings. It's all so much for me all at once. As if everything else wasn't enough. This is a major change in my lifestyle.

2. Looking after my daughter when all i want to do is sleep but then i can't sleep but then i'm so muddle headed i can't do anything right. Poor child deserves better! This is the last chance for her and I to spend as much time as we can together and i'm wasting it by feeling sick. Not wanting to leave the house for fear that i'll feel tired and unable to stay awake during the day. This worry extends to getting her ready for school. Making sure she's fed. Her homework. School starts for her again this monday and there will be much to do. How will i do it all!?

3. Moving house. Yes. we are, in 2 weeks. We love to push all these stressful things together, don't we? What are we nuts! I'll be 32 weeks pregnant by then! But move we must. So i stress about the move. Have decided to have the movers pack us. Phew. But hubby wants to paint the new place, get curtains, I'm surprised he doesn't insist on ripping out the bathroom and redoing that too! But the good news is that once we've moved, I can truly start nesting.

4. Hubby. Poor, poor man having this nutcase to contend with. Along with work and moving house and everything else. I have become a spineless, thoughtless child constantly whining and asking him what to do. Calling him up at work to freak out about some stupid thing. Begging him not to travel for fear that I'll go crazy. It's just not fair for him and i worry that the weight of me will crush him and he will never recover. But i'm useless and can't stop bothering him. God, i love this man. I love him so much and hope he'll forgive me for being such a spineless bothersome creature.

5. Sleep. This sleep schedule can't be good. It ruins my days and nights are horrible. Though i guess i need to get used to night feedings. But even those can't be as bad as these nights!

6. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!! and we are not prepared. We have nothing for the child except for a couple bonds singlets that i ordered online. We have lots of things that i've gotten from friends coming to us but still. I am unprepared, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am not ready! and with my medical conditions, this boy is coming 2 weeks earlier and I AM NOT PREPARED!!!

7. Money, money, money. It is definately NOT sunny in my world. This could very well ruin us financially. Ruin us! and we have not choice but to spend because, this baby's coming out one day soon and nothings going to change that!

There now. 7 major stressors.  I can manage that, can't i? One thing at a time. I can do it. Can't I?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Hello again.

So here I am. Expectant. Again. At 29 weeks, i think we can say that we have a good, no... great chance of actually having our 2nd child. Years after expected and only by some miracle and quirk of fate. We are here. Pregnant. Waiting. Still a little unbelieving.

How is this possible!? (I'll post an article I wrote that goes over this surprise baby a little bit and drastically sugar coats much of how I felt.)

How is this possible?! I ask myself daily. As the little dude kicks and stretches inside me. As the daily pregnancy woes take over my life. And the only conclusion is that it was meant to be. An act of God. A wonderful, miraculous occurance that has brought us here now to 29 weeks.

It could have been no thanks to ourselves. Other than my husbands refusal to have the snip. Insisting that this could never, ever happen. Oh, and the actual deed itself, that implanted a child in my belly and now, 29 weeks on, we count down the weeks til we deliver a (hopefully) beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy.

But on this crazy sleepless night when I'm frustrated by insomnia and all the thoughts flying through my head, unable to sleep. Incompetent to put my fears aside and just let it be, I was pacing about, wishing, no praying for some, ANY sleep, that I remembered this blog and thought maybe, just maybe I would find some solace here by writing down my thoughts and then hopefully, finally, getting some rest.

This road has not been easy. Feeling sick the entire time since I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and fatigue early on. Then around week 14 came the start of my blood pressure woes and various medications that made me sick, nauseas, depressed, vomitting, too tired to care.

I had days I called my Sprite days. Where the only thing for me was liquid sugar like Ginger Beer, Sprite and 100plus. I had days I called good days, where I felt awesome and not much bothered me (these were very few and far in between). I had days where I was such a sad sook, I could do nothing but be sad and cry and bemoan every little detail that was uncomfortable, stressful and hard to take.

There were times that I was on the brink of giving up. Just tired of feeling so aweful, I had such dark moments, it scares me a little to think of those times. After a string of blood pressure medicine changes, we finally found a pill that lifted the depression but i still had sick, nauseous and Sprite days.

Finally, this last week on a nutty idea to get away to Bangkok for a week, I ended up in the Samitivej Hospital and diagnosed with gestational diabetes. They kept me at the hospital for 3 nights to observe. Strung up to a drip, scared, worried, unable to sleep even there. The food was atrocious, not to mention the diet of 2000 kcal per day they put me on and a diet for diabetes. I found myself detoxing from sugar, my only relief from the nausea i had been having. And all the crazies that I had felt all through these months starting to get better because of insulin injections and careful diet monitoring.

But still it's a change for me. And I have never been one who dealt well with change. (You can only imagine how well i'm dealing with the thought of the change in lifestyle and our family routine!) There is constant blood sugar monitoring. Before and after meals. There is meal adjustment, only able to eat certain things and in certain proportions. There are times to eat and times not to eat (even if i'm absolutely starving like i am right now!). And the insulin injections. I thought I was done with needles after all that IVF but here we are again with those groovy pen needle injections that I have to inject 3 or more times a day.

Worth it?! Absolutely, it will be. But right now, down in the dumps and ready to play darts with my needles, I am feeling uptight, stressed and totally not in control.

Am I thankful? Yes, I am, though it may not seem like it, I am. So grateful for this little miracle. So happy to be giving my only child a baby brother. I am in wonder and still surprised every day that we have come this far and yes, i'm thankful for this.

But sorry, you've probably not heard the last of my bitching and moaning about the surrounding misery that is going along with it.