We're off to Coffs Harbour for one night to see G's parents property. Nothing like a road trip to get your mind off things.
Feeling like me again after 2 or more months is so nice. And having a day or two without anyone else around but me, G and darling daughter has been great. I don't feel like I have to accommodate anyone else's needs. Just ours! So it's eat when and what I want (I have gone out and gotten a wheel of brie - ate most of it and sat down for antipasto of salami, prosciutto and all sorts of yumminess! Heaven... Cause if you know me at all, you know I love my food!) Now where's the seafood! And maybe I should stop in at the Hunter Valley for some wine tasting while I'm at it.
I realize I'm throwing caution to the wind cause there's that list about what not to eat when pregnant. But I'm not THAT pregnant. It's only unofficially pregnant. And I feel like the blastocyst they put up there was only a formality. They know and I know, and really, they should know that I know that it was a dodgy bastard. Dr D even suggested freezing G's junk for next cycle! SO I think I have 9 more days of doing what I want, pampering myself a bit and enjoying life before starting it all over again.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
One up, 10 days to go
So there was one blastocyst that they thought was good enough to be squirted up. They said it was a tiny bit slower than they would like, but looked like it might get there eventually. I've heard that before!
So after discussions with scientist Dan and Dr D, we decided to put it up there and let it decide if it had the will to live. This was done yesterday. I don't really hold much hope for this little blasty sitting up in my uterus. Even though Dr D put it up on a prime piece of real estate, overlooking my bladder and in an area that would not flood or have drought. I think i've had 7 "slow" blastocysts put up me now and none have taken. Some have made my life miserable at the end of the cycle and i'm hoping that this one will be considerate enough to not do that and we can get on with things.
I have almost fully decided to suck it up and try another cycle. I will stay where i am, no matter the annoyance involved and head home at the end of Jan. The money i save, i will put towards going to Tuscany for the summer so i just have to suck it up for a few weeks and, as my loving and very caring husband has reminded me, i was extremely stressed out on the cycle that i got Leela with so the situation, though stressful, shouldn't affect the outcome of the cycle. Easy for him to say!
So 10 days til the results are known. I have felt like i'm back to myself now and so long as i'm not thinking about the next cycle or what if this actually works or the upcoming invasion of my home, i will be ok. (Can you tell i'm far less hormonal that i was while i was taking drugs!?)
So after discussions with scientist Dan and Dr D, we decided to put it up there and let it decide if it had the will to live. This was done yesterday. I don't really hold much hope for this little blasty sitting up in my uterus. Even though Dr D put it up on a prime piece of real estate, overlooking my bladder and in an area that would not flood or have drought. I think i've had 7 "slow" blastocysts put up me now and none have taken. Some have made my life miserable at the end of the cycle and i'm hoping that this one will be considerate enough to not do that and we can get on with things.
I have almost fully decided to suck it up and try another cycle. I will stay where i am, no matter the annoyance involved and head home at the end of Jan. The money i save, i will put towards going to Tuscany for the summer so i just have to suck it up for a few weeks and, as my loving and very caring husband has reminded me, i was extremely stressed out on the cycle that i got Leela with so the situation, though stressful, shouldn't affect the outcome of the cycle. Easy for him to say!
So 10 days til the results are known. I have felt like i'm back to myself now and so long as i'm not thinking about the next cycle or what if this actually works or the upcoming invasion of my home, i will be ok. (Can you tell i'm far less hormonal that i was while i was taking drugs!?)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Feeling somewhat myself again.
Finally, the first day where my stomach doesn't feel like it's pumped full of air! It's so nice to feel somewhat like myself again though I don't know how long this will last. Hopefully more than a day.
G's decided that it is very important for him to be at the transfer so he is trying to organise someone to look after Leela for an hour or two. I have my doubts as to whether he'll make it in time but he always tends to surprise me at the last moment.
I think he just wants to see these goddamned blastocysts with his own eyes cause he knows that I'll always be more negative about things and might tell him they are crap when really they may be ok.
No call from the clinic to say they have arrested (ie stopped growing) so I suppose we're going to go through with this. I'm booked in for accupuncture before and after. The squirt is at 12. I should be home by 2.
G's decided that it is very important for him to be at the transfer so he is trying to organise someone to look after Leela for an hour or two. I have my doubts as to whether he'll make it in time but he always tends to surprise me at the last moment.
I think he just wants to see these goddamned blastocysts with his own eyes cause he knows that I'll always be more negative about things and might tell him they are crap when really they may be ok.
No call from the clinic to say they have arrested (ie stopped growing) so I suppose we're going to go through with this. I'm booked in for accupuncture before and after. The squirt is at 12. I should be home by 2.
There's going to be an immaculate conception!
Well, of sorts. Turns out that i'll be heading in to the city tomorrow for egg transfer all by myself. My wonderful hosts are out of town and i don't want to ask my other relatives to help mind my darling child for fear that i will be asked to mind their not so darling children in return. Would not cope!
That leaves me alone to make decisions like - is the blastocyst good enough to go back in (Genea always seems to say that they might be ok even when they know they are dodgy)? How many can go back in? Squirt them all back in and leave them to their own devices, i say! Or don't put anything back if they are dodgy. Then i can have a 2 week hiatus from these mind games.
This morning when they called to schedule the transfer, the lovely Nurse H sounded optimistic and didn't see why the embryos wouldn't develop to good looking blastocysts. But i've been looking at all my previous cycles and i know what always happens. We get some slow dodgy blastocysts that they say should be transferred back because, you never know... So in they go and twice they have tried to implant only to fail miserably and making me miserable at the same time.
Cycle one i had my head over the toilet vomiting and they were saying it was "unrelated" but to come in for a blood test anyways. Then they said "congratulations!". Something was growing! Then it wasn't and the whole thing dragged on for another week or so.
Cycle two was a complete dud. I actually think i squirted the eggs back out because i coughed during the procedure but who's to know. The blastys were dodgy anyways.
Cycle three was our miracle - Leela. But she was our one beautiful, shining star of a blastocyst. We have never had any others as good looking as her.
At the end of cycle four, i was all ready to start another cycle. We had planned it so we could hop on a plane to Singapore as soon as i was done, but they called and said i couldn't start until the pregnancy hormone had disappeared because again, something had implanted but couldn't muster up the courage to keep going. We had to abandon our plans for another cycle, which now leaves me here, hormonal (and stuck in a hole) in hornsby.
So tomorrow, cycle five, there is going to be an immaculate conception. It really only takes 5 minutes from test tube to uterus through a long floppy straw. It's no big deal and i can do it alone, no problem.
That leaves me alone to make decisions like - is the blastocyst good enough to go back in (Genea always seems to say that they might be ok even when they know they are dodgy)? How many can go back in? Squirt them all back in and leave them to their own devices, i say! Or don't put anything back if they are dodgy. Then i can have a 2 week hiatus from these mind games.
This morning when they called to schedule the transfer, the lovely Nurse H sounded optimistic and didn't see why the embryos wouldn't develop to good looking blastocysts. But i've been looking at all my previous cycles and i know what always happens. We get some slow dodgy blastocysts that they say should be transferred back because, you never know... So in they go and twice they have tried to implant only to fail miserably and making me miserable at the same time.
Cycle one i had my head over the toilet vomiting and they were saying it was "unrelated" but to come in for a blood test anyways. Then they said "congratulations!". Something was growing! Then it wasn't and the whole thing dragged on for another week or so.
Cycle two was a complete dud. I actually think i squirted the eggs back out because i coughed during the procedure but who's to know. The blastys were dodgy anyways.
Cycle three was our miracle - Leela. But she was our one beautiful, shining star of a blastocyst. We have never had any others as good looking as her.
At the end of cycle four, i was all ready to start another cycle. We had planned it so we could hop on a plane to Singapore as soon as i was done, but they called and said i couldn't start until the pregnancy hormone had disappeared because again, something had implanted but couldn't muster up the courage to keep going. We had to abandon our plans for another cycle, which now leaves me here, hormonal (and stuck in a hole) in hornsby.
So tomorrow, cycle five, there is going to be an immaculate conception. It really only takes 5 minutes from test tube to uterus through a long floppy straw. It's no big deal and i can do it alone, no problem.
Monday, December 26, 2011
3 days after collection: cells and gels
Got a call from Genea today. A lovely lady told me that our 3 eggs have started dividing and 2 are at 6 cell stage and one is at 8 cell stage. I did a google and at this stage they should be at 8 cell. But the lovely scientist from Genea assured me that they were all behaving normally and were exactly at the right stage of their development.
This is the stage where i start to feel like a number to the IVF clinic. I get the feeling like they would gloss anything over just so they can transfer something back and give you "closure" even if the cycle were doomed to fail.
Or could be cause they don't call as often and you have nothing to do so the mind is left to its own devices.
The new gel i'm applying is disgusting and demoralizing. At least with an injection you'd feel very important and like you accomplished something. The gel is up there like an enema and it is just plain gross! Not to mention it gives me terrible bloating and my stomach has not stopped hurting since egg collection. It is not comfortable and i'm sick of looking like a pregnant lady when i'm not because i'm just filled with so much air.
I hate this stage. It is painful, uncomfortable and boring. I seem to think alot about whether i'll do another cycle. On one hand, it seems like such a waste if i don't do it. I mean, what's a month of discomfort when compared to the lifelong joy of having another child (or the lifelong pooping, burping, lack of sleep, worry and financial input). But on the other hand, i don't see the point of putting myself through this again if it's not going to work, the odds are not for us and it's like flushing money down the toilet.
A day after landing here to start IVF, i am told by a relative that they are leaving the country and will be moving into the house i'm staying at for two fucking weeks! It is hard enough to be on my own, under my in laws roof (though i have to say they are saints and an incredible support. They BTW were not asked if the 2 wk sojourn as ok. They had only expected 2 days) Even though i'm living with saints, it's not like my normal day to day and now, we're adding 2 more adults (one of whom is extremely well meaning but painfully annoying) and 2 other children who are both whiney and cantankerous. OM FUCKING Lord. Am i seriously going to have to put up with this when i go through my next cycle.
And if i am, i might as well write it off because all the stress and angst surrounding it will render the cycle moot. Therefore, what is the point. So option 1. Stick with the plan, knowing that if i could actually go stark raving mad in the process, have to be admitted into an insane asylum and unable to care for my new baby should i be successful with the cycle.
Or option 2. Move out. Head for the hills. Run for my life and stay somewhere else where i would live in peace harmony and be able to remain as stress free as possible for cycle 2. but then knowing the added cost of renting other place could possibly outweigh the cost savings we were going to have in coming here.
Option 3. Head home. Sounds like such bliss!
I'm just so INFURIATED by this turn of events because not only have i not made it a secret about my IVF cycles, it seems the lack of respect from these relatives is just insulting. They did not have to do this right this very second and so very quickly. It is just most bizarre and weird that they would do this how they are doing it at this very time. I am SO angry about this right now. Might be hormones or might be that I am just SO angry about this right now. AURGH!!!!!!!! It's like throwing $20k down the fucking drain because they are so fucking inconsiderate!!!
But i really can't and shouldn't blame it on them. I mean, it's my crappy eggs and G's dodgy sperm that's put us in this predicament anyways and i should just try to roll with the punches and live one day at a time. I am responsible for my own happiness and outcomes.
Just when i'm squirting gel up me and feeling like this cycle is wasted, it's really easy to be annoyed at other people. But in my defence, i am extremely, horribly hormonal and i keep wishing for the day that i will wake up with out a tummy full of farts and that crazy agro feeling in my head.
This is the stage where i start to feel like a number to the IVF clinic. I get the feeling like they would gloss anything over just so they can transfer something back and give you "closure" even if the cycle were doomed to fail.
Or could be cause they don't call as often and you have nothing to do so the mind is left to its own devices.
The new gel i'm applying is disgusting and demoralizing. At least with an injection you'd feel very important and like you accomplished something. The gel is up there like an enema and it is just plain gross! Not to mention it gives me terrible bloating and my stomach has not stopped hurting since egg collection. It is not comfortable and i'm sick of looking like a pregnant lady when i'm not because i'm just filled with so much air.
I hate this stage. It is painful, uncomfortable and boring. I seem to think alot about whether i'll do another cycle. On one hand, it seems like such a waste if i don't do it. I mean, what's a month of discomfort when compared to the lifelong joy of having another child (or the lifelong pooping, burping, lack of sleep, worry and financial input). But on the other hand, i don't see the point of putting myself through this again if it's not going to work, the odds are not for us and it's like flushing money down the toilet.
A day after landing here to start IVF, i am told by a relative that they are leaving the country and will be moving into the house i'm staying at for two fucking weeks! It is hard enough to be on my own, under my in laws roof (though i have to say they are saints and an incredible support. They BTW were not asked if the 2 wk sojourn as ok. They had only expected 2 days) Even though i'm living with saints, it's not like my normal day to day and now, we're adding 2 more adults (one of whom is extremely well meaning but painfully annoying) and 2 other children who are both whiney and cantankerous. OM FUCKING Lord. Am i seriously going to have to put up with this when i go through my next cycle.
And if i am, i might as well write it off because all the stress and angst surrounding it will render the cycle moot. Therefore, what is the point. So option 1. Stick with the plan, knowing that if i could actually go stark raving mad in the process, have to be admitted into an insane asylum and unable to care for my new baby should i be successful with the cycle.
Or option 2. Move out. Head for the hills. Run for my life and stay somewhere else where i would live in peace harmony and be able to remain as stress free as possible for cycle 2. but then knowing the added cost of renting other place could possibly outweigh the cost savings we were going to have in coming here.
Option 3. Head home. Sounds like such bliss!
I'm just so INFURIATED by this turn of events because not only have i not made it a secret about my IVF cycles, it seems the lack of respect from these relatives is just insulting. They did not have to do this right this very second and so very quickly. It is just most bizarre and weird that they would do this how they are doing it at this very time. I am SO angry about this right now. Might be hormones or might be that I am just SO angry about this right now. AURGH!!!!!!!! It's like throwing $20k down the fucking drain because they are so fucking inconsiderate!!!
But i really can't and shouldn't blame it on them. I mean, it's my crappy eggs and G's dodgy sperm that's put us in this predicament anyways and i should just try to roll with the punches and live one day at a time. I am responsible for my own happiness and outcomes.
Just when i'm squirting gel up me and feeling like this cycle is wasted, it's really easy to be annoyed at other people. But in my defence, i am extremely, horribly hormonal and i keep wishing for the day that i will wake up with out a tummy full of farts and that crazy agro feeling in my head.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas! Now here's a new drug to take...
Christmas morning has dawned and I'm the first one up. I think I'll take this quiet time to start the new drug they've given me. Supposed to be taken morning and night and if you ask me. I'd rather a needle than this gel that gets squirted up my vagina. I think I've had enough probing and poking down there... Enough. I tell you! This new drug will probably be used for the next 2 weeks. So not happy about it.
Today it's Christmas and I was hoping to be back to myself but my tummy is terribly sore and bloated. I feel rather jaded by the process and my measly 3 little eggs are making me mad. I don't know if they will continue dividing (not the best odds - we usually have 70% fertilization and only lucky to have one good blastocyst at the end of 4 cycles.) Damn my crappy eggs and damn G's dodgy sperm too!
Though it shouldn't be such a big deal to me. I really didn't mind if we weren't successful. I didn't mind either way but it's such a slap in the face after all the effort that has gone into it. And based on pre collection, this seemed like my best cycle ever. And it's maddening that even if I really did want to get pregnant, I couldn't. It is maddening and I am pissed off that I have had to try so desperately hard for something that I didn't want terribly badly in the first place but now that I can't have it, I want it more. Talk about the wrong reasons.
So Merry Christmas everyone! I hear my darling daughter calling my name and I can't wait to see her open her presents! It is supposed to be such a joyful day.
Today it's Christmas and I was hoping to be back to myself but my tummy is terribly sore and bloated. I feel rather jaded by the process and my measly 3 little eggs are making me mad. I don't know if they will continue dividing (not the best odds - we usually have 70% fertilization and only lucky to have one good blastocyst at the end of 4 cycles.) Damn my crappy eggs and damn G's dodgy sperm too!
Though it shouldn't be such a big deal to me. I really didn't mind if we weren't successful. I didn't mind either way but it's such a slap in the face after all the effort that has gone into it. And based on pre collection, this seemed like my best cycle ever. And it's maddening that even if I really did want to get pregnant, I couldn't. It is maddening and I am pissed off that I have had to try so desperately hard for something that I didn't want terribly badly in the first place but now that I can't have it, I want it more. Talk about the wrong reasons.
So Merry Christmas everyone! I hear my darling daughter calling my name and I can't wait to see her open her presents! It is supposed to be such a joyful day.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Down to 3...
Only 3 of our eggs have fertilized. Really disappointing to me cause if over half have petered out the morning after, I doubt if we'll have any for transfer.
I suppose life is like that. Things go well or things don't. I better start deciding if I'll do another cycle.
I suppose life is like that. Things go well or things don't. I better start deciding if I'll do another cycle.
(No) Sex, drugs and rods with holes
Egg collection is a little like no sex, drugs and rods with holes. The lack of sex is obvious. You can't do it before and you can't do it for 2 days after.
The drugs part is all about the sedative you're given once you're in theatre. It's only a minor procedure. You'd think with the 2 week fanfare prior that it would be a bit more significant, but it's not. The only thing worth looking forward to in the procedure is the drugs.
Dr. D always takes at least 2 tries to find a vein at the top of my hand. The needle used is not small and it hurts! but finally once the needle is in and the sedative injected directly into the vein, a nice warm feeling of happiness takes you over and you more than amicably put your legs up in stirrups and do whatever you're told to do.
Now the rods with holes is the serious part. The rod is the internal ultrasound and the hole in it holds a very long and thick needle that goes right through the uterus and into each ovary. The ovaries are then drained of all the fluids which are then given over to the scientist who manually looks under a microscope for each tiny and precious egg. I pray our scientist had 20/20 vision, though i was so disappointed that of the 22 follicles, only 7 eggs were found.
After the procedure, the drugs wear off quickly and I felt like vomiting. Just wished i could have more of that happy juice to get me through the next few weeks (and maybe for the rest of my life!). But instead, it wears off and you start getting your wits back. Not so nice. You have an ache in your belly and feel kind of dizzy for a little bit.
G is sent off to give his contribution while i recover. (Apparently he gets given a jar and told that he can have a bigger jar if he needs.) We only need 7 good looking swimmers so i think the smaller jar sufficed.
After recovery, i went to an accupuncture appointment. Dunno if it'll help but what the hell, i might as well spend the $120 just in case.
Then a bite to eat and back home to rest in bed. It's not too bad. Just a really achey belly but hopefully it will be fine in a couple days.
Tomorrow they'll call me and let me how many of our oocytes (aka. eggs) have fertilized. Then on day 3 they will update us on their progress. On day 5, we'll be back in surgery to have whatever is good squirted back up. This unfortunately happens without drugs.
The drugs part is all about the sedative you're given once you're in theatre. It's only a minor procedure. You'd think with the 2 week fanfare prior that it would be a bit more significant, but it's not. The only thing worth looking forward to in the procedure is the drugs.
Dr. D always takes at least 2 tries to find a vein at the top of my hand. The needle used is not small and it hurts! but finally once the needle is in and the sedative injected directly into the vein, a nice warm feeling of happiness takes you over and you more than amicably put your legs up in stirrups and do whatever you're told to do.
Now the rods with holes is the serious part. The rod is the internal ultrasound and the hole in it holds a very long and thick needle that goes right through the uterus and into each ovary. The ovaries are then drained of all the fluids which are then given over to the scientist who manually looks under a microscope for each tiny and precious egg. I pray our scientist had 20/20 vision, though i was so disappointed that of the 22 follicles, only 7 eggs were found.
After the procedure, the drugs wear off quickly and I felt like vomiting. Just wished i could have more of that happy juice to get me through the next few weeks (and maybe for the rest of my life!). But instead, it wears off and you start getting your wits back. Not so nice. You have an ache in your belly and feel kind of dizzy for a little bit.
G is sent off to give his contribution while i recover. (Apparently he gets given a jar and told that he can have a bigger jar if he needs.) We only need 7 good looking swimmers so i think the smaller jar sufficed.
After recovery, i went to an accupuncture appointment. Dunno if it'll help but what the hell, i might as well spend the $120 just in case.
Then a bite to eat and back home to rest in bed. It's not too bad. Just a really achey belly but hopefully it will be fine in a couple days.
Tomorrow they'll call me and let me how many of our oocytes (aka. eggs) have fertilized. Then on day 3 they will update us on their progress. On day 5, we'll be back in surgery to have whatever is good squirted back up. This unfortunately happens without drugs.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
We have 7 eggs.
But let's all be cool about this. Don't need hugs or kisses. The journey is far from over. I'm going to sit in bed and nurse my sore tummy and send requests to G via SMS til i feel better. Still a bit dizzy and dazed. 7 is good but i was hoping for 10. Still, hopefully the quality is better than the quantity. 7 is 2 less than our best ever cycle and 3 more than our worst.
I'm looking forward to 5 days of no drugs and no duties (oh, i forgot the crinine gel i have to squirt up my vagina... but more on that later).
I'm looking forward to 5 days of no drugs and no duties (oh, i forgot the crinine gel i have to squirt up my vagina... but more on that later).
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Here he is!
I've had a lovely but exhausting day and it's not yet bedtime.
After being woken up every two hours, I finally drag myself out of bed at 6 and head off to the airport by 7 to pick G up. So great to see him and have him here, though, I'll be honest, the last 17 days have just flown by, and while I have missed him, I'm rather impressed that I've been able to hold it together for this long on my own. We're on the eve of egg collection and I've made it! I've gotten through it! I've given myself every single injection, i've gone to every BT and U/s, i've spoken to nurses and doctors, taken pills AND been a single mum all this while... I'm going to stop now and give myself some applause and congratulate me for such a fine job. 22 follicles is quite an effort! Just praying they each hold a beautiful and perfect egg too.
No wonder I feel like I can't breath and my tummy is about to explode. No surprise that I want to vomit and be in bed. I can do that now that G's here. He can entertain our darling daughter who had missed him terribly. He can help with the cooking and cleaning, socializing and be the strong one out in front. The hard part actually starts now. The dreaded 2 week wait (actually 16 days from tomorrow). Because all this tooing and froing, all the tests and injections, they weren't a walk in the park, but they are better than the complete mind fuck about to start after egg collection. At least before, I had been busy doing stuff. I had a job to get done and I did it.
Tomorrow is going to be a write off. I was bed ridden for days after my last collection. Even though you're sedated, it is a long and thick needle that gets poked through your uterus wall and into your ovaries to suck out each and every one of those 22 follicles. Then a painstaking search by a scientist in all the bloody fluid to find the teeny tiny eggs. After, there is abdominal pain and last time, it lasted for days, I could only lie in bed and pray it would go away.
Then it's waiting, wondering, hoping, wishing. And there isn't one damned thing you can do to change the situation or move it along quicker.
Day 5 after collection they squirt an egg or two up you with such little fanfare that you wonder if it even happened. Then the waiting and wondering continues...
Yep, I'm celebrating now. Congratulating myself now because after this, it's just a long and tedious road to the end where we either are pregnant, get ready to start another cycle (SO not likely in my present state of mind) or admit defeat and return home barren but with at least our one beautiful star who was made in this same miraculous way.
After being woken up every two hours, I finally drag myself out of bed at 6 and head off to the airport by 7 to pick G up. So great to see him and have him here, though, I'll be honest, the last 17 days have just flown by, and while I have missed him, I'm rather impressed that I've been able to hold it together for this long on my own. We're on the eve of egg collection and I've made it! I've gotten through it! I've given myself every single injection, i've gone to every BT and U/s, i've spoken to nurses and doctors, taken pills AND been a single mum all this while... I'm going to stop now and give myself some applause and congratulate me for such a fine job. 22 follicles is quite an effort! Just praying they each hold a beautiful and perfect egg too.
No wonder I feel like I can't breath and my tummy is about to explode. No surprise that I want to vomit and be in bed. I can do that now that G's here. He can entertain our darling daughter who had missed him terribly. He can help with the cooking and cleaning, socializing and be the strong one out in front. The hard part actually starts now. The dreaded 2 week wait (actually 16 days from tomorrow). Because all this tooing and froing, all the tests and injections, they weren't a walk in the park, but they are better than the complete mind fuck about to start after egg collection. At least before, I had been busy doing stuff. I had a job to get done and I did it.
Tomorrow is going to be a write off. I was bed ridden for days after my last collection. Even though you're sedated, it is a long and thick needle that gets poked through your uterus wall and into your ovaries to suck out each and every one of those 22 follicles. Then a painstaking search by a scientist in all the bloody fluid to find the teeny tiny eggs. After, there is abdominal pain and last time, it lasted for days, I could only lie in bed and pray it would go away.
Then it's waiting, wondering, hoping, wishing. And there isn't one damned thing you can do to change the situation or move it along quicker.
Day 5 after collection they squirt an egg or two up you with such little fanfare that you wonder if it even happened. Then the waiting and wondering continues...
Yep, I'm celebrating now. Congratulating myself now because after this, it's just a long and tedious road to the end where we either are pregnant, get ready to start another cycle (SO not likely in my present state of mind) or admit defeat and return home barren but with at least our one beautiful star who was made in this same miraculous way.
The trigger has landed
Just did my trigger injection! Crap, i was 5 min late cause i was up talking to G's sis and her hubby and lost track of time. I suppose after all this timing and effort, 5 little minutes won't matter that much to this very precise enterprise.
The injection went in fine, in fact, for the last couple nights I seem to have gotten my groove with the injections. They've all gone in relatively painlessly and easily. I've become a pro! No bruising either, though I was almost wishing for a leopard spotted belly to show off to G when he arrives so that I could milk the sympathy card, all bruising has gone down, some still a weird tinge of yellow, but nothing to say, "hey, we've been poked 20 times and it hurt like hell!"
What will I do for the next week of freedom! I have 7 injection free days ahead! Actually there may be a few more but only just a few. And sure, one of those days will be a drug induced egg collection. But that's a happy drug and I will be fine. though i am terribly afraid of the after days because last time was aweful!
But for the most part, the next 7 days should be great! I'm free and not pregnant, not injecting, just free to do whatever I want with my body.
The injection went in fine, in fact, for the last couple nights I seem to have gotten my groove with the injections. They've all gone in relatively painlessly and easily. I've become a pro! No bruising either, though I was almost wishing for a leopard spotted belly to show off to G when he arrives so that I could milk the sympathy card, all bruising has gone down, some still a weird tinge of yellow, but nothing to say, "hey, we've been poked 20 times and it hurt like hell!"
What will I do for the next week of freedom! I have 7 injection free days ahead! Actually there may be a few more but only just a few. And sure, one of those days will be a drug induced egg collection. But that's a happy drug and I will be fine. though i am terribly afraid of the after days because last time was aweful!
But for the most part, the next 7 days should be great! I'm free and not pregnant, not injecting, just free to do whatever I want with my body.
We have trigger!
Trigger is an injection that tells the ovaries to start getting those damned follicles ready to be collected. It also marks the end of the nightly injections (for the most part) and the start of the waiting and wondering part. (This part is actually worse than the pre trigger part.)
I'm ecstatic! Had my last BT and U/s for this cycle and they counted 11 eggs in each ovary and a lining of 11 which is just right. The largest follicle was 20 so I was hoping and praying they would tell me to trigger to tonight. I'm exhausted and so over this cycle. Can't actually believe it's happened so fast! Faster than all my other cycles and more eggs too. So glad because I am over feeling so tired and breathless and just grumpy all the time!
After a beautiful day with some lovely people, I finally got a call from the nurse at Genea to say I could trigger tonight and egg collection was set for 10.45am on Friday. So I got home, gave myself my final injections of Puregon and Cetrotide and am now waiting til 10.45pm so that I can do my Ovedril (trigger) injection.
Thank God that G got an earlier flight cause he would have missed it otherwise! He's gonna have to join the mile high club on his own tonight. I've given him the ok to buy some porn and do his duty because we need his "contribution" on Friday to be nice and fresh. Lucky bastard has been able to miss all the injections and fly in at the last minute to save the day - as he is known to do. But I shouldn't complain cause at least he'll be here.
So right now let us all rejoice and hope for the best with crossed fingers, toes and legs!
I'm ecstatic! Had my last BT and U/s for this cycle and they counted 11 eggs in each ovary and a lining of 11 which is just right. The largest follicle was 20 so I was hoping and praying they would tell me to trigger to tonight. I'm exhausted and so over this cycle. Can't actually believe it's happened so fast! Faster than all my other cycles and more eggs too. So glad because I am over feeling so tired and breathless and just grumpy all the time!
After a beautiful day with some lovely people, I finally got a call from the nurse at Genea to say I could trigger tonight and egg collection was set for 10.45am on Friday. So I got home, gave myself my final injections of Puregon and Cetrotide and am now waiting til 10.45pm so that I can do my Ovedril (trigger) injection.
Thank God that G got an earlier flight cause he would have missed it otherwise! He's gonna have to join the mile high club on his own tonight. I've given him the ok to buy some porn and do his duty because we need his "contribution" on Friday to be nice and fresh. Lucky bastard has been able to miss all the injections and fly in at the last minute to save the day - as he is known to do. But I shouldn't complain cause at least he'll be here.
So right now let us all rejoice and hope for the best with crossed fingers, toes and legs!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The fucking birds!
What is with the birds in this country! Seriously, do they HAVE to be up chirping at 4.30 in the morning? I could have gotten in another two hours of sleep but the birds, the birds! And the sun starts to get up too - though i shouldn't complain about the sun seeing as it's been so absent lately.
Spent an entire day in bed sleeping yesterday. Probably just what i needed, just to stop and do nothing, sleep and not be disturbed. Pissed that i got sick because i don't know how it would affect my follicle growth. But then may be a blessing cause if i had not gotten sick, i would have been out and about and probably exhausted by the end of the day.
Though i actually think that procreation is like the lotto, you get it or you don't and there isn't anything that you can do about it. You can try, if it makes you feel better, but at the end of the day, it's the luck of the draw. What a crap way of bringing babies into the world.
Then there's the other side of me who thinks i could do more, i should do more and i worry about this and that. Like... will sleeping with my hot blanket on actually poach my eggs or will it incubate them and make them grow.
About to head off for my (hopefully) final blood test and ultrasound. I'm praying for trigger tonight and collection on Friday but i suppose that's up to my damned eggs and how fast they have grown in the last two days.
Spent an entire day in bed sleeping yesterday. Probably just what i needed, just to stop and do nothing, sleep and not be disturbed. Pissed that i got sick because i don't know how it would affect my follicle growth. But then may be a blessing cause if i had not gotten sick, i would have been out and about and probably exhausted by the end of the day.
Though i actually think that procreation is like the lotto, you get it or you don't and there isn't anything that you can do about it. You can try, if it makes you feel better, but at the end of the day, it's the luck of the draw. What a crap way of bringing babies into the world.
Then there's the other side of me who thinks i could do more, i should do more and i worry about this and that. Like... will sleeping with my hot blanket on actually poach my eggs or will it incubate them and make them grow.
About to head off for my (hopefully) final blood test and ultrasound. I'm praying for trigger tonight and collection on Friday but i suppose that's up to my damned eggs and how fast they have grown in the last two days.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The summer that never was.
The weather is killing me. It is cold, it is rainy and it is just annoying! It's supposed to be a lovely summer in oz for me but instead it's miserable and dreary. I know I would complain about the hot and humid in Singapore too but this summer that never was, I'm completely over it!
I've also picked up a cold to add insult to injury. So on top of my sore belly, hormonal insanity and the psychologic mind fuck I'm putting myself through, I've got a stuffy nose, a sore head and I want to go to bed (as if I didn't want to do that enough already).
How is it to be having a lovely lunch with friends one minute and the next, have a nose full of snot and a headache that won't go away. I suppose I should be happy cause it is preventing me from agonizing about when my egg collection will be because as soon as my darling daughter is fast asleep, I'll punch my shots in and go to sleep myself.
Hope tomorrow dawns sunny and bright and if not I hope I can stay in bed and rest up. I want all my energy to go into growing these damned follicles so they are ready to be harvested by Friday!
I've also picked up a cold to add insult to injury. So on top of my sore belly, hormonal insanity and the psychologic mind fuck I'm putting myself through, I've got a stuffy nose, a sore head and I want to go to bed (as if I didn't want to do that enough already).
How is it to be having a lovely lunch with friends one minute and the next, have a nose full of snot and a headache that won't go away. I suppose I should be happy cause it is preventing me from agonizing about when my egg collection will be because as soon as my darling daughter is fast asleep, I'll punch my shots in and go to sleep myself.
Hope tomorrow dawns sunny and bright and if not I hope I can stay in bed and rest up. I want all my energy to go into growing these damned follicles so they are ready to be harvested by Friday!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Two days to next scan.
Got the call from the clinic and they were quite happy with how things were going. They said my next ultrasound would be on Wed and might even trigger that night. They look for follicles at 17 and i was thinking they needed 20 but they said my hormone levels were looking good and i'm almost ready. I'm not holding my breath but it might just be ok.
Lovely lunch with everyone I used to work with at Jamie Oliver's Italian in the city. Food was too salty but the company was great. So good to see everyone, some of which had been there when we did IVF for Leela!
Lovely lunch with everyone I used to work with at Jamie Oliver's Italian in the city. Food was too salty but the company was great. So good to see everyone, some of which had been there when we did IVF for Leela!
2nd ultrasound
Oh I'm disappointed. Thinking i was doing so well this round and things were going faster. G did warn me that this happens. It all slows down at the end.
They measured 5 on my right and 4 on my left (there are other little ones) with the largest being 16mm and the smallest at 10. From my guess, trigger won't be til Fri! Soooooo frustrating.
Nothing left to do but go to Kmart and have a browse. And at least I did get G to get here a day early...
They measured 5 on my right and 4 on my left (there are other little ones) with the largest being 16mm and the smallest at 10. From my guess, trigger won't be til Fri! Soooooo frustrating.
Nothing left to do but go to Kmart and have a browse. And at least I did get G to get here a day early...
Between BT and U/s
Sitting at my Michael Bolton playing cafe sipping a great latte and waiting for my toasted cheese/tomato. MB is absent today but I thought it'd be a better idea doing this and chilling for a bit instead of going to the Kmart over the street that opened at 6am. Last time I went and did a bit of damage and since I'm under strict instructions on my spending there, i thought I'd sit and have a break. (though I can see the lights on through the glass of Chatswood Chase and I just don't know if I will be able to resist!)
These early mornings are turning into a blessing for me because it's the only time I am alone and have some time to myself. Leela is home with Gran and I'm not feeling terribly guilty leaving her there. I don't have to make conversation with anyone or clean something or play with anyone or do anything I don't normally do because my somebody feels it is time to do so. It's just me, my coffee, brekky and it is OK to sit and do nothing. Nothing at all! It's bliss for me. Been here only almost 2 weeks and while I am surrounded by beautiful, loving and well meaning people. It is just nice to do nothing. I love G's family. His parents are saints. They are so loving and caring. I love his brothers and my sisters in law. Leela loves her cousins but though it is great to see them and play, the constant procedure of everything is wearisome. I just want to do nothing when I want to do it.
I really can't do nothing where I am. Though I do excuse myself after injections and sit in my room, by then I'm done with the day. For the rest of the time I am followed by my little shadow who is such a darling and I love her, but she is constant. Also can't wander around without my bra on and in comfy clothes i'd wear at home cause my tits are that big and sore, it would just be wrong!
Oops, out of time! Gotta run to my ultrasound. Gee, I hope my follicles are growing. I'm hoping for 18mm. I guess my ME time is done and I didn't even make it to Kmart. Sigh...
These early mornings are turning into a blessing for me because it's the only time I am alone and have some time to myself. Leela is home with Gran and I'm not feeling terribly guilty leaving her there. I don't have to make conversation with anyone or clean something or play with anyone or do anything I don't normally do because my somebody feels it is time to do so. It's just me, my coffee, brekky and it is OK to sit and do nothing. Nothing at all! It's bliss for me. Been here only almost 2 weeks and while I am surrounded by beautiful, loving and well meaning people. It is just nice to do nothing. I love G's family. His parents are saints. They are so loving and caring. I love his brothers and my sisters in law. Leela loves her cousins but though it is great to see them and play, the constant procedure of everything is wearisome. I just want to do nothing when I want to do it.
I really can't do nothing where I am. Though I do excuse myself after injections and sit in my room, by then I'm done with the day. For the rest of the time I am followed by my little shadow who is such a darling and I love her, but she is constant. Also can't wander around without my bra on and in comfy clothes i'd wear at home cause my tits are that big and sore, it would just be wrong!
Oops, out of time! Gotta run to my ultrasound. Gee, I hope my follicles are growing. I'm hoping for 18mm. I guess my ME time is done and I didn't even make it to Kmart. Sigh...
Apparently being irrational is part of doing IVF
Perhaps I am a bit irrational these days. Sorry to my darling husband who I called a con man and a liar earlier today. (Apparently SIA releases blocks of seats ever so often and he had checked before they did - do I believe that story? Hmmmmm. Yep, still irrational!) Whatever, he is now booked one day earlier - yippee! Not as worried now that he'll miss egg collection. But still worried because it is something I can worry about so why the hell wouldn't I?!
He reminded me that I was totally irrational, vomitous and sore my last 4 cycles. So I guess this one is going normally. I'm blogging all the gory details just in case I am mad enough to do another cycle. Then I can refer back to this and see if it's the same. (the most disgusting of these gory details - perhaps skip to the next para - do it now... - is the fact that I feel like someone has shoved a raw egg, minus yolk and shell, up my vagina and it is all dripping out. I am SO sorry to have to share that but it's something I will want to know about if I do another cycle and I did tell you to skip to the next para.)
I have started wearing things that are stretchy because anything that sits tight on my belly hurts my brelly buises and my fat stomach. I think it's my ovaries that are making my stomach fat. (Couldn't possibly be the coffee cake i ate yesterday) I hope it is my ovaries full nice juicy follicles and healthy eggs.
Tomorrow morning, another blood test and ultrasound. I'm praying those follies have grown to 15-18mm and we can trigger as soon as Wed!
He reminded me that I was totally irrational, vomitous and sore my last 4 cycles. So I guess this one is going normally. I'm blogging all the gory details just in case I am mad enough to do another cycle. Then I can refer back to this and see if it's the same. (the most disgusting of these gory details - perhaps skip to the next para - do it now... - is the fact that I feel like someone has shoved a raw egg, minus yolk and shell, up my vagina and it is all dripping out. I am SO sorry to have to share that but it's something I will want to know about if I do another cycle and I did tell you to skip to the next para.)
I have started wearing things that are stretchy because anything that sits tight on my belly hurts my brelly buises and my fat stomach. I think it's my ovaries that are making my stomach fat. (Couldn't possibly be the coffee cake i ate yesterday) I hope it is my ovaries full nice juicy follicles and healthy eggs.
Tomorrow morning, another blood test and ultrasound. I'm praying those follies have grown to 15-18mm and we can trigger as soon as Wed!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I think i am going to vomit...
Woke up this morning and had breakfast. Now i think i'm going to vomit...
My boobs have started their expansion into the unknown and i don't know if my bras will fit. Feeling a bit top heavy now.
Really super crabby and almost swore at my darling child when she would not eat her breakfast properly. Did i mention that I think i'm going to vomit?
These are all signs that the end is in sight so now I am worried that G won't make it here on time. He said he checked and there were no flights. I checked and there WERE flights. I think i married a con man.
Not to mention that this was his idea in the first place. He said if i thought i would regret not trying for another one, then we had to try. So he's packed me off to Sydney to live with his parents and go through the entire process on my own. He better show up on time or this will all be for nothing. I know he will because he tends to like coming through at the last minute so he looks like a hero. Forget my days of stress and anxiety in the lead up, he always comes through just in the nick of time, he always looks like a golden god and me like an irratible, stress head who needs to get a grip. SO not fair! Makes me want to vomit...
My boobs have started their expansion into the unknown and i don't know if my bras will fit. Feeling a bit top heavy now.
Really super crabby and almost swore at my darling child when she would not eat her breakfast properly. Did i mention that I think i'm going to vomit?
These are all signs that the end is in sight so now I am worried that G won't make it here on time. He said he checked and there were no flights. I checked and there WERE flights. I think i married a con man.
Not to mention that this was his idea in the first place. He said if i thought i would regret not trying for another one, then we had to try. So he's packed me off to Sydney to live with his parents and go through the entire process on my own. He better show up on time or this will all be for nothing. I know he will because he tends to like coming through at the last minute so he looks like a hero. Forget my days of stress and anxiety in the lead up, he always comes through just in the nick of time, he always looks like a golden god and me like an irratible, stress head who needs to get a grip. SO not fair! Makes me want to vomit...
It is best to blog before giving myself injections
What a beautiful day it was, spent some time with old friends and their family. Freaked out a bit because it was a bday party for a 15 year old and i was reminded that i was 15 when i met G, the love of my life and 16 when we started dated. The bday boy today just seemed so young and had a Justin Bieber hair cut. What the hell would we have known about love at that age. Leela also met a baby boy today and immediately asked me "When can I have a baby of my own?".
It is best to blog before giving myself injections because the process doesn't seem that bad. Once i've mixed my drugs and jabbed the needles in, the process seems like crap. Woke up with an additional black spot on my belly. I tried to show this to G on Skype but they don't really look as black and angry on Skype as they should. I was trying to milk some sympathy out of the whole belly bruising. Didn't work.
Been fixating on when trigger will be. G reminded me that all my cycles seem to go well and then start to drag so it might be longer. I keep thinking this one is better, it will go faster and happen sooner. Maybe setting myself up for disappointment, i just want this to be over. Didn't realise what a wimp i was before this.
But today was a good day so let's just be happy for a bit more because now i'm off to find those blunt needles and set them out to warm up a bit (YOU try injecting ice cold drugs into you!) before sticking them into my belly and adding to my collection of bruises. Maybe i should start naming these bruises. They all seem to have a bit of their own personality anyways. Who would have known that injection points could be so fascinating!
It is best to blog before giving myself injections because the process doesn't seem that bad. Once i've mixed my drugs and jabbed the needles in, the process seems like crap. Woke up with an additional black spot on my belly. I tried to show this to G on Skype but they don't really look as black and angry on Skype as they should. I was trying to milk some sympathy out of the whole belly bruising. Didn't work.
Been fixating on when trigger will be. G reminded me that all my cycles seem to go well and then start to drag so it might be longer. I keep thinking this one is better, it will go faster and happen sooner. Maybe setting myself up for disappointment, i just want this to be over. Didn't realise what a wimp i was before this.
But today was a good day so let's just be happy for a bit more because now i'm off to find those blunt needles and set them out to warm up a bit (YOU try injecting ice cold drugs into you!) before sticking them into my belly and adding to my collection of bruises. Maybe i should start naming these bruises. They all seem to have a bit of their own personality anyways. Who would have known that injection points could be so fascinating!
Friday, December 16, 2011
My belly is a barren wasteland...
My belly is not looking pretty. I mean, it is ugly and disgusting. If the stretch marks, cellulite and wibble wobble of it weren't bad enough, it now has 5 or 6 bruises that look black and angry and pissed with the world. Can't wait for more to join these pissed off bruises because like any party, the more the merrier.
The new injection i've added is horrible. The needle is NOT sharp. i had to stick myself twice tonight! Who the hell makes a needle that isn't sharp! Then it takes what seems like an hour to actually inject the entire dose of drug, followed by itchy, red belly that eventually turns into a black and angry bruise.
I remember telling people in years past that IVF wasn't so bad. I was lying! I think i actually believed it was not that bad. Now that i'm in the midst of it, it's bad. Don't think i can do another cycle. (I remember swearing never to do it again with cycle 4. WTF happened!?)
Talked to the nurse today who said i have a group of 8 large follicles (between 9-13mm) and they will keep an eye on them and trigger (her guess) between Wed and Sat. If they trigger Wed, G will have to come straight from the airport and do his thing. The lucky bastard has been able to avoid the entire process and might be able to just cum in a cup and be done with it. SO not fair that i get weeks of pain and all he needs to do is something pleasureable to himself... AND look at porn!
My next BT and U/s on Monday should give us a better view of when the end will be and won't i welcome it with open arms!
The new injection i've added is horrible. The needle is NOT sharp. i had to stick myself twice tonight! Who the hell makes a needle that isn't sharp! Then it takes what seems like an hour to actually inject the entire dose of drug, followed by itchy, red belly that eventually turns into a black and angry bruise.
I remember telling people in years past that IVF wasn't so bad. I was lying! I think i actually believed it was not that bad. Now that i'm in the midst of it, it's bad. Don't think i can do another cycle. (I remember swearing never to do it again with cycle 4. WTF happened!?)
Talked to the nurse today who said i have a group of 8 large follicles (between 9-13mm) and they will keep an eye on them and trigger (her guess) between Wed and Sat. If they trigger Wed, G will have to come straight from the airport and do his thing. The lucky bastard has been able to avoid the entire process and might be able to just cum in a cup and be done with it. SO not fair that i get weeks of pain and all he needs to do is something pleasureable to himself... AND look at porn!
My next BT and U/s on Monday should give us a better view of when the end will be and won't i welcome it with open arms!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
And we have follicles! (1st u/s)
Made it to my BT and first ultrasound (U/s). They no longer get us to help them write down the details like little school children, they're all tech savvy now and have photos and printed reports to send to the doc.
The U/s is internal and you've got to love the small talk between me and the stick holder. Conversations about the weather and time of day... But I suppose it's better than talk like "good morning, I noticed you have a stick stuck up my vagina... Could you move it to the left a bit, you're poking my bladder and I'm afraid I may fart."
There are 8 measureable follicles in my right ovary, the other side "did better" but didn't say how many there were. I should have asked!
The leading follicle was 12.7mm and I have a few other ones over 10mm. Endometrium lining is a bit over 7.
This seems like a better result than even Leela's cycle. There are more eggs this time and the biggest one is bigger by 2mm than Leela was on the first U/s. Perhaps my current lady of leisure lifestyle IS helping.
Was explaining all of this to my mother in law who got a bit teary and then wanted to hug me. Not helpful cause there is no point getting all emotional and hopeful at this stage (I am plenty emotional but from all the drugs).
There was a moment driving back where I felt hopeful or maybe it was more like "WTF, this might actually work! OMG, what would I do with another baby!!!!!"
But here's a reality check. Met a girl on the doorstep who had just got her period after her first cycle. Poor thing started to cry as she told me and I really felt for her. I have been there, done that. Now I'm just a hardened IVF pro who really just tries to stay stoic and get through it. Better curb my need to share if I don't want any more emotional outbursts from people cause that doesn't help. Will be worse if it doesn't work cause it's harder to bear other people's disappointment then my own. I HATE the "you poor thing" and "you must be so disappointed" comments. If it doesn't work, let's just get on with life and get over it.
The U/s is internal and you've got to love the small talk between me and the stick holder. Conversations about the weather and time of day... But I suppose it's better than talk like "good morning, I noticed you have a stick stuck up my vagina... Could you move it to the left a bit, you're poking my bladder and I'm afraid I may fart."
There are 8 measureable follicles in my right ovary, the other side "did better" but didn't say how many there were. I should have asked!
The leading follicle was 12.7mm and I have a few other ones over 10mm. Endometrium lining is a bit over 7.
This seems like a better result than even Leela's cycle. There are more eggs this time and the biggest one is bigger by 2mm than Leela was on the first U/s. Perhaps my current lady of leisure lifestyle IS helping.
Was explaining all of this to my mother in law who got a bit teary and then wanted to hug me. Not helpful cause there is no point getting all emotional and hopeful at this stage (I am plenty emotional but from all the drugs).
There was a moment driving back where I felt hopeful or maybe it was more like "WTF, this might actually work! OMG, what would I do with another baby!!!!!"
But here's a reality check. Met a girl on the doorstep who had just got her period after her first cycle. Poor thing started to cry as she told me and I really felt for her. I have been there, done that. Now I'm just a hardened IVF pro who really just tries to stay stoic and get through it. Better curb my need to share if I don't want any more emotional outbursts from people cause that doesn't help. Will be worse if it doesn't work cause it's harder to bear other people's disappointment then my own. I HATE the "you poor thing" and "you must be so disappointed" comments. If it doesn't work, let's just get on with life and get over it.
My belly now has 2 BFF's
Just started injection #2. WTF! My injection spot is blowing up and itchy as hell! Somebody should put me on allergy watch in case I don't make it through the night! (just joking, it's not that bad, really)
Thought i'd share a pic of the needles I'm putting in to me now, daily for another fucking week! I had gotten used to the screwy Puregon pen. The new one I feel is not really worth the effort.
The Puregon is to help grow my follicles and help produce as many of the little buggers as possible. It's delivered in a simple, if not screwy, easy pen device with a really fine needle. Though I'm pissed about the push mechanism, tonight I think I must have moved bits of fat around, it was wiggling so much, it's still relatively simple.
The Centrotide, the new one I'm taking (I've never ever taken this one before which is why a tiny bit of my paranoid personality is wondering if i'm having an allergic reaction) is just too much effort. It's supposed to stop me from ovulating too early. I guess that's rather important. But to get it in me is painful. The needle is longer and the amount of liquid to go in seems like alot more.
Then in order to get it ready to inject, you have to put a fat needle on the syringe, inject liquid into a vail, mix it around, draw it all up into the syringe, change needles, then inject.
May be fine for the mad scientist type (like G) who relishes all the mixing and needling but not me. Give me a convenient, efficient pen needle anyday!
So now my belly has 2 best friends every night and is starting to look a bit spotty with bruises and lumps. Not that it wasn't lumpy enough before!
Tomorrow I've got a blood test and my first ultrasound to check on follicle growth. God I hope I get a gentle person to do both!
Thought i'd share a pic of the needles I'm putting in to me now, daily for another fucking week! I had gotten used to the screwy Puregon pen. The new one I feel is not really worth the effort.
The Puregon is to help grow my follicles and help produce as many of the little buggers as possible. It's delivered in a simple, if not screwy, easy pen device with a really fine needle. Though I'm pissed about the push mechanism, tonight I think I must have moved bits of fat around, it was wiggling so much, it's still relatively simple.
The Centrotide, the new one I'm taking (I've never ever taken this one before which is why a tiny bit of my paranoid personality is wondering if i'm having an allergic reaction) is just too much effort. It's supposed to stop me from ovulating too early. I guess that's rather important. But to get it in me is painful. The needle is longer and the amount of liquid to go in seems like alot more.
Then in order to get it ready to inject, you have to put a fat needle on the syringe, inject liquid into a vail, mix it around, draw it all up into the syringe, change needles, then inject.
May be fine for the mad scientist type (like G) who relishes all the mixing and needling but not me. Give me a convenient, efficient pen needle anyday!
So now my belly has 2 best friends every night and is starting to look a bit spotty with bruises and lumps. Not that it wasn't lumpy enough before!
Tomorrow I've got a blood test and my first ultrasound to check on follicle growth. God I hope I get a gentle person to do both!
If every day were like today, I might just be ok
Had a very lovely day today. The early night I had paid off and feeling optimistic, I spent a beautiful part of the day at one of my favourite spots, Bathers Pavilion at Balmoral Beach with a dear friend. The air was crisp and the sun was shining, the kids, wonderfully behaved. Obviously a much better day than yesterday. So good in fact that I have written a poem to commemorate it.
If every day were like today,
I might just be ok.
Who cares if I must prick my tum
At least it ain't my bum.
With sparkling blue sea
In front of me,
the weariness fades away.
The sun's out, the birds are singing,
I'll be psychotic another day.
If every day were like today,
I might just be ok.
Who cares if I must prick my tum
At least it ain't my bum.
With sparkling blue sea
In front of me,
the weariness fades away.
The sun's out, the birds are singing,
I'll be psychotic another day.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am bloody tired...
I'm tired, weary and i just want to sleep.
So tired am i that i have nothing pithy to say. So tired, i can't think of what to write that would make me laugh.
So God damned weary, tired, crabby, grumpy as can be.
Must be the drugs. G assures me i was like this for all my other cycles and just hearing that made me tired. I'm not even half way through and i'm over it! I keep counting days and imagining when egg collection will be. I pray it's not a long cycle and that it's also not too short that G doesn't make it here on time.
Staying here, there is constant cleaning, constant banter, constant sweet child of mine needing my love. Can't sit and do nothing without feeling guilty for not helping out more or doing more around the house. I told my hosts that it's better for me to just keep going so i don't sit and mope but in reality, i can't stop without feeling like a lazy ass so i keep going... but so tired, so tired, i feel like crying, not for any emotional reason but from sheer exhaustion.
Don't need to be told to take it easy, don't need anyone to lecture me on doing too much and i should put my feet up and not care about everything else. It won't happen. I just need to suck it up, stop being a wimp and just get on with it.
So off to sleep i go, i know tomorrow will be better... at least until 3 or 4 when i start to fade and wish i were in bed again.
So tired am i that i have nothing pithy to say. So tired, i can't think of what to write that would make me laugh.
So God damned weary, tired, crabby, grumpy as can be.
Must be the drugs. G assures me i was like this for all my other cycles and just hearing that made me tired. I'm not even half way through and i'm over it! I keep counting days and imagining when egg collection will be. I pray it's not a long cycle and that it's also not too short that G doesn't make it here on time.
Staying here, there is constant cleaning, constant banter, constant sweet child of mine needing my love. Can't sit and do nothing without feeling guilty for not helping out more or doing more around the house. I told my hosts that it's better for me to just keep going so i don't sit and mope but in reality, i can't stop without feeling like a lazy ass so i keep going... but so tired, so tired, i feel like crying, not for any emotional reason but from sheer exhaustion.
Don't need to be told to take it easy, don't need anyone to lecture me on doing too much and i should put my feet up and not care about everything else. It won't happen. I just need to suck it up, stop being a wimp and just get on with it.
So off to sleep i go, i know tomorrow will be better... at least until 3 or 4 when i start to fade and wish i were in bed again.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Why does it take so long to go anywhere!
Took me 40 min to get to my blood test this morning and 1 hr to get back. The blood test took no more than 5 min. Thank goodness Kmart was open early so the entire trip wasn't a complete waste.
Took me 45 min to get to my accupuncture consult and 45 min to get back. Probly took me 30 min to find parking at the Westfield near the train station. The consult was a 15 min chat...
They told me it was going to be a 1hr initial consultation so i was a bit pissed to have spent all the time getting there for only 15 minutes of their time. I suppose taking another 10 min to fill out the form could have made it worth while but i'm starting to wonder if i should worry about the efficiency of Genea. Seems like there have been a couple times where i've found their communication to me a bit off. I suppose as long as they keep G's sperm and my eggs together and the combination of the two ends up in me and not in anyone else, that's all that matters.
Looked at my charts from previous cycles and i seem to be 2 days ahead of the cycle i had Leela in. I suppose that would be a good sign.
Also found a huge bruise on my belly.
Tomorrow, i refuse to travel more than a 5k radius of where i am sleeping. I just want a nice quiet day without wandering to and fro. Thank goodness there is a Westfield within my limited space for tomorrow ;)
Took me 45 min to get to my accupuncture consult and 45 min to get back. Probly took me 30 min to find parking at the Westfield near the train station. The consult was a 15 min chat...
They told me it was going to be a 1hr initial consultation so i was a bit pissed to have spent all the time getting there for only 15 minutes of their time. I suppose taking another 10 min to fill out the form could have made it worth while but i'm starting to wonder if i should worry about the efficiency of Genea. Seems like there have been a couple times where i've found their communication to me a bit off. I suppose as long as they keep G's sperm and my eggs together and the combination of the two ends up in me and not in anyone else, that's all that matters.
Looked at my charts from previous cycles and i seem to be 2 days ahead of the cycle i had Leela in. I suppose that would be a good sign.
Also found a huge bruise on my belly.
Tomorrow, i refuse to travel more than a 5k radius of where i am sleeping. I just want a nice quiet day without wandering to and fro. Thank goodness there is a Westfield within my limited space for tomorrow ;)
Monday, December 12, 2011
First BT results
Got a call frm the Genea nurse about my blood tests. I love Nurse H. She is lovely, perky and positive.
Anyways, my levels (i really should know what "levels" are? I'm assuming it's some type of hormone but right this very moment, I have no idea, that's how in touch I am with this IVf thing) have gone from 105 to 500 which is apparently really good and means that things are growing. Yay! (Once again, not sure what these "things" are. Probably follicles but could actually be an alien life form and I'm just not aware.)
Starting Thursday I get to add another injection to my repetiore. One that involves powder, liquid, mixing and two types of needles. Can't wait! Not only will I get to enjoy the screwy Puregon pen, I'll get to play mad scientist with this new drug too!
Then on Friday, I will have another BT and start my ultrasounds. The ultrasounds are internal so it means a wand gets poked up my privates and shimmied around til they get an accurate picture of how many follicles are in each ovary. Such a pleasant experience but they make you feel useful by giving you pencil and paper, like a child in school, so you can write down sizes of follicles.
On my way now to an accupuncture consultation. (Cause I am this much in love with needles)
Am incredibly tired of going too and fro across Sydney. Getting from point A to point B takes forever, doesn't matter where you are going, next door, next suburb, edge of the world, it all seems to take forever and I'm just weary. I think tomorrow I will sit on my ass and do nothing though I would feel terribly guilty doing so when the most industrious people I know are living with me and will be busily cleaning or fixing something around me. How could I not pitch in and help!
Anyways, my levels (i really should know what "levels" are? I'm assuming it's some type of hormone but right this very moment, I have no idea, that's how in touch I am with this IVf thing) have gone from 105 to 500 which is apparently really good and means that things are growing. Yay! (Once again, not sure what these "things" are. Probably follicles but could actually be an alien life form and I'm just not aware.)
Starting Thursday I get to add another injection to my repetiore. One that involves powder, liquid, mixing and two types of needles. Can't wait! Not only will I get to enjoy the screwy Puregon pen, I'll get to play mad scientist with this new drug too!
Then on Friday, I will have another BT and start my ultrasounds. The ultrasounds are internal so it means a wand gets poked up my privates and shimmied around til they get an accurate picture of how many follicles are in each ovary. Such a pleasant experience but they make you feel useful by giving you pencil and paper, like a child in school, so you can write down sizes of follicles.
On my way now to an accupuncture consultation. (Cause I am this much in love with needles)
Am incredibly tired of going too and fro across Sydney. Getting from point A to point B takes forever, doesn't matter where you are going, next door, next suburb, edge of the world, it all seems to take forever and I'm just weary. I think tomorrow I will sit on my ass and do nothing though I would feel terribly guilty doing so when the most industrious people I know are living with me and will be busily cleaning or fixing something around me. How could I not pitch in and help!
I love Michael Bolton!
There, it's out there now. They are playing him at the cafe I'm having my sanity check at. Takes me back to when I was a teenager and full of love for MB, maybe even wishing G would grow his hair that long. Perhaps listening to his music will stimulate my eggs to be more like my 16 year old eggs rather than the current, dodgy 37 year old eggs. Maybe I should come here every morning in the hopes that my ovaries will miraculously morph themselves into my teenage, assumingly fertile ones (when I was actually abstaining).
So besides the music, this cafe is my new fave spot cause the coffee is fantastic and the chocky in the croissant is liberal. And the owner has a cute little, mini little girl toddling around reminding me why I am doing this. Of course, she is someone else's problem when she cries or takes a shit in her nappy. So really, why am I doing this?!
Maybe Michael Bolton would know...
So besides the music, this cafe is my new fave spot cause the coffee is fantastic and the chocky in the croissant is liberal. And the owner has a cute little, mini little girl toddling around reminding me why I am doing this. Of course, she is someone else's problem when she cries or takes a shit in her nappy. So really, why am I doing this?!
Maybe Michael Bolton would know...
First blood test (BT)
After a horrible nights sleep cause my little angel decided to wake at 1.30 and 2.30 til I gave up and put her in my bed. She then had to sleep with her legs hanging over me and as the night wore on, her toes ended up like little hot pokers in my back.
Finally gave up at 6.15 and got up, leaving her fast asleep as I left for my BT around 6.30. Half asleep, I ran right through a roundabout, not seeing the SUV already in it!
But, 40 min later, I made it to the Chatswood clinic that was nicely renovated a year ago. The same girl, lovely child, poked me happily but not painlessly.
Now happily sitting at a little cafe around the corner. I need a coffee, a real one and dammit, I'm gonna have one! Along with a chocolate croissant. Otherwise I won't make it back to Hornsby with my sanity.
Later, I'll be heading into Genea for a accupuncture/nutrition consultation sans child.
Finally gave up at 6.15 and got up, leaving her fast asleep as I left for my BT around 6.30. Half asleep, I ran right through a roundabout, not seeing the SUV already in it!
But, 40 min later, I made it to the Chatswood clinic that was nicely renovated a year ago. The same girl, lovely child, poked me happily but not painlessly.
Now happily sitting at a little cafe around the corner. I need a coffee, a real one and dammit, I'm gonna have one! Along with a chocolate croissant. Otherwise I won't make it back to Hornsby with my sanity.
Later, I'll be heading into Genea for a accupuncture/nutrition consultation sans child.
Growing a hairy moustache...
Crap, i've forgotten how many DHEA pills i've taken today. Oh well, i suppose if i start growing a hairy moustache and getting acne like a teenager, i'll know to go easier on the pills.
And i don't see why the Puregon pen does not have a sleeve over the button so that when you inject the meds, it doesn't rotate under your finger and wiggle the needle that is poked into your belly. It is seriously dumb. The last thing you want when you've got a needle sitting in your belly fat is for it to be wiggling around and around in the fat. And it hurts too!
First blood test tomorrow which means waking up at 6.45am and driving in the Chatswood. I can actually go any time between 7-9am but i just like to get it over and done with. Not to mention that if i get there any later than 7.30, i have to wait so much longer for my turn. Well, that's what would happen last time so i'm assuming it's the same. But i do think i'll sit down for breakfast and coffee afterwards before coming back to Leela who will be in the excellent care of her Gran and Grandad.
And i don't see why the Puregon pen does not have a sleeve over the button so that when you inject the meds, it doesn't rotate under your finger and wiggle the needle that is poked into your belly. It is seriously dumb. The last thing you want when you've got a needle sitting in your belly fat is for it to be wiggling around and around in the fat. And it hurts too!
First blood test tomorrow which means waking up at 6.45am and driving in the Chatswood. I can actually go any time between 7-9am but i just like to get it over and done with. Not to mention that if i get there any later than 7.30, i have to wait so much longer for my turn. Well, that's what would happen last time so i'm assuming it's the same. But i do think i'll sit down for breakfast and coffee afterwards before coming back to Leela who will be in the excellent care of her Gran and Grandad.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I am a self-injector
I did it... Poked myself with a needle and pushed the Puregon straight into my wobbly belly. Didn't hurt much then but now i have a throbbing ache in that spot in my belly. But hooray! I can now self-inject. Of all the skills I have wanted to learn, THAT most certainly was top if my list. Beats sewing, scrap booking and quilting hands down.
I'm a self-injector now and proud of it. (You can pick us self-injectors out of a crowd cause we wear crop tops with flabby bellies hanging out so all can see the needle marks)
I'm a self-injector now and proud of it. (You can pick us self-injectors out of a crowd cause we wear crop tops with flabby bellies hanging out so all can see the needle marks)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Stack of drugs
So from my calculations, it'll only be 30 something injections for this first IVF cycle. The stack of drugs looks like this - hope the pic upload works. Dunno how many pills will be taken, I'm really not good at maths.
You'd think for the $$ that Genea charges, they could keep their
sharps disposal containers in stock (you know i'm a sucker for containers!). I've had to make do with one of those plastic tinned fruit bottles. Dunno why there are so many knocking about here.
Developing a little welt where the first needle went in. I think this one will bruise, probly cause it was wiggling around in my belly while I was figuring out the push/rotate mechanism.
Pity G isn't around to poke me cause he was like a ninja. Speedy, swift, stealthy, never hurt, only bruised once (i think i laughed or burped while he injected me).
Tomorrow I shall suck it up and try to poke myself!
You'd think for the $$ that Genea charges, they could keep their
sharps disposal containers in stock (you know i'm a sucker for containers!). I've had to make do with one of those plastic tinned fruit bottles. Dunno why there are so many knocking about here.
Developing a little welt where the first needle went in. I think this one will bruise, probly cause it was wiggling around in my belly while I was figuring out the push/rotate mechanism.
Pity G isn't around to poke me cause he was like a ninja. Speedy, swift, stealthy, never hurt, only bruised once (i think i laughed or burped while he injected me).
Tomorrow I shall suck it up and try to poke myself!
First needle - no going back!
It's done now, first needle's done. First dose of 300 Puregon has entered my jelly belly. Thank goodness that i have enough belly fat to take the needle. (seriously, what do skinny women do!?)
Though i'd try to do it myself but in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it and my mother in law, who's an excellent nurse, helped me poke it into my belly. I then pushed the button and in went the dose.
It's actually rather hard to squish belly fat, poke a needle into your skin and hold it in while pressing down on a pen syringe that doesn't go straight down but rotates down instead.
Good news though, it didn't hurt too much. Not at all going in and only a little at the end.
So we've started officially our 5th ever IVF cycle and now there is no turning back.
Though i'd try to do it myself but in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it and my mother in law, who's an excellent nurse, helped me poke it into my belly. I then pushed the button and in went the dose.
It's actually rather hard to squish belly fat, poke a needle into your skin and hold it in while pressing down on a pen syringe that doesn't go straight down but rotates down instead.
Good news though, it didn't hurt too much. Not at all going in and only a little at the end.
So we've started officially our 5th ever IVF cycle and now there is no turning back.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
And we have go!
Just got a call from Nurse R at Genea (actually rather lovely and helpful now).
Starting 300 of Puregon on Sat. First blood test on Tuesday.
Here we go... Fingers crossed, hands folded in prayer, tummy ready for pricking, legs ready for stirrups... Giddyup!
Starting 300 of Puregon on Sat. First blood test on Tuesday.
Here we go... Fingers crossed, hands folded in prayer, tummy ready for pricking, legs ready for stirrups... Giddyup!
Here I am
So now I'm in Hornsby and ready to begin. Went to Genea today to pick up my drugs and get a refresher on the process. I talked to a lovely nurse yesterday who was so sweet and lovely that I immediately felt at ease. She said to come on in and someone would be happy to help me.
Well, the nurse at Genea I saw today, let's call her Nurse R, was not that happy. It all seemed a bit too hard for her. I had serious Dejavu cause I distinctly remember the same experience last time. Right down to the pregnant, grumpy, could not be bothered to help nurse.
With a great big sigh, she got my drugs. Then grumpily showed me how to use the pen needle and syringe again. Look, I've never done my own I injections and am a bit scared of it all so a little positive energy would have helped.
Anyway the finance people who were supposed to be there were in a "meeting" so I had to go away and come back a few hours later.
In the meantime they had lost my bag of drugs and had to get a new one together for me but thankfully everyone I saw after lunch was lovely and sweet and I feel somewhat prepared to start my needles tomorrow.
Well, the nurse at Genea I saw today, let's call her Nurse R, was not that happy. It all seemed a bit too hard for her. I had serious Dejavu cause I distinctly remember the same experience last time. Right down to the pregnant, grumpy, could not be bothered to help nurse.
With a great big sigh, she got my drugs. Then grumpily showed me how to use the pen needle and syringe again. Look, I've never done my own I injections and am a bit scared of it all so a little positive energy would have helped.
Anyway the finance people who were supposed to be there were in a "meeting" so I had to go away and come back a few hours later.
In the meantime they had lost my bag of drugs and had to get a new one together for me but thankfully everyone I saw after lunch was lovely and sweet and I feel somewhat prepared to start my needles tomorrow.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Two more sleeps
Those were the first words my little girl chirped this morning. Two more and then we're off to Australia! If only she know what we were going for. She is so excited to play with Gran and her cousins and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone too. But I am not looking forward to the IVF process. I know it has to be done. We gotta try for Leela's sake. I'll get through it, I'm sure. But I wish it didn't have to be like this. Thankfully G's mum has offered to do my I injections. Though I think I'll try and suck it up a bit and do them myself. Wish G were going to be there and hope he actually makes it for egg collection. It's all just a great big cloud of "what if" with the addition of drugs. What more could a person ask for?!
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