Monday, December 26, 2011

3 days after collection: cells and gels

Got a call from Genea today. A lovely lady told me that our 3 eggs have started dividing and 2 are at 6 cell stage and one is at 8 cell stage. I did a google and at this stage they should be at 8 cell. But the lovely scientist from Genea assured me that they were all behaving normally and were exactly at the right stage of their development.

This is the stage where i start to feel like a number to the IVF clinic. I get the feeling like they would gloss anything over just so they can transfer something back and give you "closure" even if the cycle were doomed to fail.

Or could be cause they don't call as often and you have nothing to do so the mind is left to its own devices.

The new gel i'm applying is disgusting and demoralizing. At least with an injection you'd feel very important and like you accomplished something. The gel is up there like an enema and it is just plain gross! Not to mention it gives me terrible bloating and my stomach has not stopped hurting since egg collection. It is not comfortable and i'm sick of looking like a pregnant lady when i'm not because i'm just filled with so much air.

I hate this stage. It is painful, uncomfortable and boring. I seem to think alot about whether i'll do another cycle. On one hand, it seems like such a waste if i don't do it. I mean, what's a month of discomfort when compared to the lifelong joy of having another child (or the lifelong pooping, burping, lack of sleep, worry and financial input). But on the other hand, i don't see the point of putting myself through this again if it's not going to work, the odds are not for us and it's like flushing money down the toilet.

A day after landing here to start IVF, i am told by a relative that they are leaving the country and will be moving into the house i'm staying at for two fucking weeks! It is hard enough to be on my own, under my in laws roof (though i have to say they are saints and an incredible support. They BTW were not asked if the 2 wk sojourn as ok. They had only expected 2 days) Even though i'm living with saints, it's not like my normal day to day and now, we're adding 2 more adults (one of whom is extremely well meaning but painfully annoying) and 2 other children who are both whiney and cantankerous. OM FUCKING Lord. Am i seriously going to have to put up with this when i go through my next cycle.

And if i am, i might as well write it off because all the stress and angst surrounding it will render the cycle moot. Therefore, what is the point. So option 1. Stick with the plan, knowing that if i could actually go stark raving mad in the process, have to be admitted into an insane asylum and unable to care for my new baby should i be successful with the cycle.

Or option 2. Move out. Head for the hills. Run for my life and stay somewhere else where i would live in peace harmony and be able to remain as stress free as possible for cycle 2. but then knowing the added cost of renting other place could possibly outweigh the cost savings we were going to have in coming here.

Option 3. Head home. Sounds like such bliss!

I'm just so INFURIATED by this turn of events because not only have i not made it a secret about my IVF cycles, it seems the lack of respect from these relatives is just insulting. They did not have to do this right this very second and so very quickly. It is just most bizarre and weird that they would do this how they are doing it at this very time. I am SO angry about this right now. Might be hormones or might be that I am just SO angry about this right now. AURGH!!!!!!!! It's like throwing $20k down the fucking drain because they are so fucking inconsiderate!!!

But i really can't and shouldn't blame it on them. I mean, it's my crappy eggs and G's dodgy sperm that's put us in this predicament anyways and i should just try to roll with the punches and live one day at a time. I am responsible for my own happiness and outcomes.

Just when i'm squirting gel up me and feeling like this cycle is wasted, it's really easy to be annoyed at other people. But in my defence, i am extremely, horribly hormonal and i keep wishing for the day that i will wake up with out a tummy full of farts and that crazy agro feeling in my head.

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