I only get sad when others are sad for me...

This last week there was a rash of people realizing that i should know the results of our IVF cycle by now. Text messages and emails have popped up asking for news. I only get sad when others are sad for me. So please don't be sad for me. I really don't like being sad, it's not for me at all. Frankly, it blows and i hate it. So i keep busy and focus on anything other than being sad. Coping mechanism, maybe, but i do think that somewhere inside me, i'm quite happy to move on and that's the part i'm concentrating on.

Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.

Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.

But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!

Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.

It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.

So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.

Everything went as well as it could...

The Skype conversation with the fabulous Dr D occured this morning and basically, everything went as well as it could. Nothing went badly. She was thrilled with everything up til the transfer when we only had the one good blasty left. And even then, it was a good one.


They like to have 6-12 eggs collected - check. 


A high percentage of fertilisations - check.


Day 3 with lots of 6-8 celled wonders - check. 


But those two last days, goddam those two last days. It's hard to make a blastocyst, she said. Bloody hell. It probably comes down to my dodgy eggs. She admitted it might not a fault with G's junk - much to my dismay. I mean, really, i would so much prefer if some responsibility rested on him! But nope, my eggs. My dodgy, dodgy, 37 1/2 year old, dodgy eggs. But then we had that one little gem of a blastocyst. Still didn't take. 


Everything was textbook so even in all her years of dealing with infertility, even she had no idea why some take and some don't. So i said, if it's so random, why wouldn't i just take my supplements and have sex like the bunnies do and see what happens. She laughed. Said that has been shown to work in some cases. It comes down to my persistence, she says. The last cycle was by far the best. Maybe from those DHEA supplements. Who knows. My chances are about 30% each try. 


But she couldn't tell me how persistent i want to be. No duh. She suggested that if i thought i'd give it a try again, to keep taking those DHEA pills. Though they seriously mess me up. Acne, hairy moustache, cranky as anything. Why would i want to live with that just in the random chance that i would want to bare my belly to the injections and kick my heels up for the ultrasounds once again. Oh, and don't forget being hormonal, huge needles through the uterus and ovaries and the mind fuck of the two week wait.


It was nice to talk to the Fabulous Dr D and she genuinely appeared regretful that it just didn't happen for me. I might not see her again but i'll never forget her and the role she played in my life. Love her or hate her, she did give me my one beautiful shining star. And that is enough for me.

OMG, i've become a fat and lazy cow

OMG, i have become a fat and lazy cow! When did this happen? Oh yep, that's right, i think i've always been like this but buried it under a mound of work and self importance. When running my own business, i could always be busy and relevant, therefore, not a fat and lazy cow. But now that i'm a wannabe tai tai, the fat and lazy is becoming very obvious.

I say wannabe because: Tai tai (太太) is a Chinese colloquial term for a wealthy married woman who does not work.


And i am very far from being wealthy. And really, i have been doing some work this week. I can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up speed and in 3 months, i bet i'll be right back where i was a couple years ago. Not bad considering it took me 10 years to build up my business, 1 month to shut it down and now i could have it all back in a frighteningly short amount of time. I'm a lucky, lucky woman. BUT remember, fat and lazy cow... I really don't know if i want it all back.


Yesterday i found myself on a beach drinking mojitos and eating chicken curry with baguette. Today, dinner with a dear friend, interrupted by a tiny bit of work, but not too much. Now home, i'm looking around and thinking why the hell do i have clean up? Everyone else has someone to do it for them. So why the hell don't i? I just want to get into my PJ's and watch some TV in bed. And i think i will.


Tomorrow though, i'm gonna be pissed as hell that i didn't pull my finger out and get some stuff done. I'll have work to finish, child to mind, dishes to wash and i'm gonna be mad. And what could be worse than a fat and lazy cow? A MAD, fat and lazy cow... Hubby picked the best week of all to head off to Mumbai. He must have known that his silly wife would procrastinate early this week then be consumed by stress for the rest of it, cursing her luck at having work to do and pissed to have dishes to wash and house to clean and resentful at having no one around to support her.


I am in love with the idea of being a lady of leisure. Not having to work but meeting friends for coffee, brunch or lunch. Keeping a "helper" at home to do all the cooking and cleaning. I've been obsessed with the idea of having a helper for the longest time, finally deciding that i didn't need one, but then really, really wanting one just to do all the stuff a fat and lazy cow would not want to do. I make the decision not to have a helper almost daily. Then i meet up with some true tai tais and again, i'm obsessed with getting one. But then i know i don't need one and really, i can't afford one. But then if i worked, i could get one. But then i'd have to give up all my lunches and brunches and playdates. Vicious and frivolous circle i'm in. And you know what, i'm feeling too fat and lazy right now to care. 

I wish I had something interesting to blog about.

I wish I had something interesting to blog about. I have had a most impromptu and fun filled day. But fun is not interesting. Pain and angst is. And I haven't had much of that since my life has continued... Post IVF.

I have decided to Skype Dr D. I suppose that could be interesting... When i emailed about my period, she wrote saying how sorry she was and maybe we could Skype and talk over what "had gone right and what not so right"... Excuse me! If something was not so right, why am I finding out about this now!!!

So I thought i would leave it. Because, I've moved on and I'm strong. But ever so often it gets me. Well, not me totally. I mostly feel like I dodged a bullet - personally. But it gets me that my beautiful child will never have a brother or sister. I feel like I have let her down and I'm so sad at times.

And there is sometimes that nagging feeling in the back of my head that wonders why this didn't happen for me. Will of God and not meant to be - sure, but maybe if I talk to Dr D, she will tell me something I didn't know.

So I'll schedule a Skype with her. For "closure". But I pray that it doesn't give me a reason to keep trying to have a baby. As sad as I am for my child is as glad as I am for me to be able to get on with things. (Even though it means I have nothing very interesting to blog about for a while.)

I think it is time to let go a little

I'm really not a fan of the mayhem that comes with children... They are messy, they are sticky, they are loud and often whiney. They are unpredictable and I have no idea how they are able to find EVERYTHING that I have hidden away so they would not play with them! It's like they have a homing device. It is bizarre and weird how they find these things. Specific items that I have put away for a reason magically appear out of nowhere and most of the time I am too late to save the situation cause I've been blissfully doing my own thing, thinking I've hidden all the messy things away.

So yes, I am a control freak. An anal and uptight person who likes everything just so. How i survived with my one child is beyond me. How I could have survived with two is too scary to imagine. They say everything happens for a reason and I think it is true. Even though it seems terribly unfair that I didn't get pregnant, after everything I went through, I also think that it's for a reason. Don't get me wrong, it's maddening how infertility deals out its "blessing" randomly and unfairly. But in my case, I think that fate knew that I would crumble into a heap if I had actually been blessed with #2.

It drives me nuts that pen caps can never go back on the pens they belong to. Don't get me started about why toys can't be put back where they came from and in a neat and tidy manner. Why, WHY! do books get torn and pages wrinkled? And for gods sake, how the hell does food get everywhere - under furniture, on the floor, in crevices deep and shallow, in all sorts of wonderful places - everywhere!

But then they look at you with their amazed eyes and constant wondering about the world, about life and why things happen the way they do. The unblemished joy they feel about everything and their love for everyone and I have to take a moment to get a grip of myself, let go and enjoy it. The mess, the sticky surprises found in random places. The pictures drawn with pens with no caps and half torn stickers and glitter glue that has also found its way on my table. It is a blessing. An unpredictable and chaotic blessing and since I've only got one chance to enjoy it, I think it's time I let go a little and let it be.

I have not left my apartment today and I think it was just what I needed. I had a morning tea to go to but had to cancel cause my darling daughter was sick. So we two spent the day bumbling around our flat. Her in front of the Telly and me in front of my laptop, catching up on my accounting and doing a bit of paying work too.

Got a call from the school letting me know that Leela's been accepted! So grateful that she starts this coming month. She needs to be busy and I've spoilt her terribly in the meantime.

So I have two weeks more with my child and then she's off to school. I should fill our time with lovely mother/daughter bonding. Which really just means that I'm her bitch and I've had just about enough of that already.

Will try harder to make our time more productive. To teach her and mould her and train her... Who am I kidding. I'm a slack ass mum and really, she'll just be my tag along these next two week with liberal time with Disney and Nic Jnr

Happy Valentines Day...

You have to know that something is up when the love of your life returns home smelling like perfume. Women's perfume.

Yesterday i was bored. So bored that i was almost comatose with the boringness of my situation. And even in my boredom, i lacked the will to get my ass up and do something about it. Just happy to sit and be bored. So bored i wanted to scream. Feeling so bored and irrelevant with nothing ahead of me to plan for, to do or even to say. I suppose i did apply a tiny degree of effort to trawl through job listings on the internet in the hope that i would find something to inspire me and make me want to do something. Anything... I've even got a small amount of work to do for a new client so it's not like i have absolutely nothing going on. But still... yawn!

I hate to use my darling daughter as an excuse but having her around is keeping me from wanting to do anything. I have to get her into a school and then i'll feel ready. Maybe i'll feel so mindlessly bored by then that i will have to be ready to do something. But wait i must because i still have not heard if she has a spot in her school yet. and i should not complain. She is lovely and easy and has a sunny personality and i love her and enjoy her company.

But then, I could go to the gym... though having my child there could prove disastrous. I need to go to a pilates class... But seeing as i've asked my mum to watch her today, i don't want to push the limits. I've got a morning tea tomorrow... But i have to take darling daughter so won't be exactly how i'd like it.

i have to get her into a school so i can just be. It has been almost 3 months now with her as my almost constant companion. I wouldn't trade our time together for the world, especially now cause i know she'll be my one and only. But please... just some unfettered time for me to do my own thing, with no worry or stress that i have palmed her off on another person. No guilt that i'm trying to get rid of her. Just knowing that she is happy, learning, playing at school would just do me and her a world of good.

Back to the perfume. I should have known better, but i think my brain has been dumbed by my boredom. Or so bored, i could have cared less. He walked in the door, late, as always. I had gotten a new air freshener and he asked what smelled so nice in the house. Then when he gave me a kiss, i could smell it. Perfume. I was pretty sure it was woman's perfume too but in this day and age, it's hard to know. So i asked him. And he had a very cheeky grin on his face. I pestered him a bit. Nothing but a cheeky grin, a look that i knew something was up, but something that was harmless, i decided not to worry and go back to bed.

This morning, Valentines day, he surprises me with a little bag of Chanel, contained within, a box of Coco Mademoiselle perfume. Which is exactly what he smelled like last night. After years of giving no thought or celebration to Valentines day, he picks the perfect day to surprise me. And so i feel a little less bored today. A little more ready to go do something. A little less content to sit on my bum and watch the world go by. Surprise is better than boredom any day.

Really good.

Walked into the Raffles clinic today at 112 Katong to see if someone could take my blood. This was after my other appointment called and said there were running an hr and a half late so I cancelled that appt and decided randomly to see if the clinic could take it. A doc named Wenky or Wanky saw me. He seemed too nervous and young to really know anything medicinal. He had a weird vest over his doctors coat and a bvlgari ring on his finger - obviously his wife picked out the ring but not his vest. He seemed to know where the forms were and how to fill then out. Tried to make chit chat with his buck teeth and twitchy eye. I was very glad that a lovely nurse took my blood instead of the doc. She used a proper bandaid to cover the wound instead of the dodgy cotton ball with tape over it like they do in Sydney.

My last needle prick for hopefully a long time. Same drill everywhere. Arm over pillow. Velcro band over your upper arm. Stress ball in hand. When she asked if I had trouble with blood being taken and if I would faint, I laughed inside. I'm a pro at this! Give me a nice, sharp cold needle any day and I'll take it without batting an eye.

This clinic will get the results back in five days. I emailed Genea to say I had my period and would send the test results to them. They thanked me, said they were sorry it hadn't worked, reminded me I could contact them if I needed for counseling or whatever help they could give (code for 'hey, how bout you let us know when you want to spend more money with us...).

Walked out the clinic door and back to reality, free from this torturous situation of waiting, hoping and wondering. And it feels good. Really good.

My uterus is about to unleash its lining and it's gonna be bad. I can feel it coming. Along with a headache and the finality that this cycle is over. Negative. The blood test tomorrow is merely a formality.

I am ok. Or will be. There really isn't anything else to be. Sure, I feel sorry for myself. For us. But we tried like we said we would. It didn't work but at least we tried.

There isn't much to feel sorry about, I suppose. So Leela won't have a brother or sister. She'll have to be content with us showering her with 100% of our love, expectations and finances - no sharing needed.

And instead of going back to poopy nappies, sleepless nights, pureed food and countless other ways a baby sucks the life out of you, we can go forward into the "easy" part of having a child, maybe even with some time for ourselves and a bit more cash in our pocket too (in the long run).

The world is at my feet and I don't have to wait anymore to figure out what I want to do. Once Leela is off to school, I'll be the boredest desperate housewife in the east. Time for something to happen and I don't have to include "but what if we have a baby" in any decision I make.

Hundreds of thoughts that wrongly or rightly are going through my head. Things like... Oh fuck, maybe it would have worked if I had tried harder or wanted it more. Or. Shit, we have no reason to get a helper and i really, really wanted one. Or. Damn it, what a waste of 2 months and $20k. Or. Just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps we should buy a car instead.

I suppose I need a day or two to mope and be sad for myself but don't let me catch you feeling sorry for me. What the hell, there will be none of that! Life goes on so let's just get on with it.

I am a princess and I know it.

Fact. I'm a princess. I'm well aware of that. I know I'm a spoilt and rotten princess but in case you couldn't tell, here are a few things that should have tipped you off.

1. I love coming home to a spotless house but then i'm immediately cursing the fact that the cleaner doesn't come every day.

2. I'd fly off to Bangkok only so I can stay at a fancy hotel that I've wanted to stay at for ages. Forget the cultural sights and sounds of a city. It is mainly for the hotel. But in my defense, there is $100 off per night at the moment and any real princess wouldn't give a fuck about the cost savings.

3. If I were to fly off to Bangkok, only Singapore airlines will do. But again, I would tolerate economy class, no real princess would.

4. I have an escapist philosophy. Friday is going to suck with bad news therefore I must escape to another country even though I have only just returned from another two month "holiday" of sorts.

5. I feel the need to throw myself down and thrash about and scream and yell about the unfairness of the situation... This could be a shorter tanty if i could escape to a fancy hotel in a different country. Or at least the furnishings would be softer, more luxurious and would drown out the sound better.

6. I'm giving up. No self respecting princess would put her body through what I have for the last two months (have a slave or minion do it for her, yes and off with their heads if it doesn't work... but put herself through it... I don't think so!) and damn it, I'm not gonna do it again! Or will I? Crap, a real princess wouldn't second guess herself, would she? So, NO, I will NOT put myself through any more IVF... Or would i?! Crap...

7. I resent the fact that my child's school isn't working itself out how and when I want it to. Now that fancy hotel - it has a fucking kids club so why would I not go there for a week!

8. I am more perturbed by the acne on my face than I am about not being able to procreate... Though I know the acne is from the drugs that are supposed to help me procreate and i still keep taking them! Goddam this vicious circle!

9. One of the best things about today and the last couple days has been that I haven't had to cook anything for myself. Although, having to go out and get the food would not cut it for a real princess. Which is why fancy hotels have room service!

10. If I like it, I'll buy it and if I can't you will never hear the end of it and I'll be bitter and twisted and pissed off about it. Kind of like paying to try and make a baby, not being able to and being bitter and twisted and pissed off about it!

So. I am a princess. I admit it and though the points above are not exhaustive and perhaps I've contradicted in a few areas, I am still more princess than slum dog. Though not one covered with rainbows, riding a unicorn and having everything magically fall into place for her in a flurry of pink and glitter. More like one that is a little pissed off because things haven't gone her way, wanting to escape but still desperately hanging on to the teeny tiny ounce of hope that she still has because it's not all really over yet. Not until the end of the week.

I bloody feel like my life is on perpetual hold and uncertainty and I am over it!

I suppose I could see it as an opportunity to just fly by the seat of my pants and chill out and do very little but I am not that kind of person. I'm a planner and a doer. NOT a waiter ad a wonderer.

So another negative HPT at 4.45 am. I had a massive bowl of the best Chicken Pho for dinner and was busting by that time. I even used a branded stick to pee on. Still negative and as the days go by, it is looking more and more like we have flushed $20k down the toilet - literally.

I should not have tortured myself by starting POAS to early but now I can't stop. I think I'll go ignore the disappointment with a trip to Bangkok and let loose. I have to wait another week to find out about my darling daughter's school anyways so why the hell not!

Did manage to palm my child off for the morning and get my brows done. Later, I've promised her a mani and pedi so really, life is not bad. It's just all this blasted waiting!

Sigh...

I think this is the first time I have sat down by myself and put my feet up and relaxed since I got back! Heaven... Now all i need is for someone to bring me a nice cup of tea and a good book.

Forget the chaos that my house is still in. Forget my little chatterbox drowning out the quite (she is thankfully being bathed by the love of my life). Just forget it all and have some time to myself to do whatever I want to do (obviously I'm blogging but at least I can do it while lying down with my feet up). It may only be for 5 minutes but who cares. I'll take it!

Feeling crampy, a little sad, really tired. But it has been a fabulous weekend. Packed from end to end with wonderful activities. However, now that i've time to feel a bit sorry for myself, I think I will.

Took another HPT at 5am. Another negative. It is so depressing. Whose dumb idea was this!? Would have been better to wait til the end so that I could be ignorant a few more days. There is still a little bit of hope. A little bit. Maybe the cheapy POAS's are dodgy. Maybe it's too early. But did not stop me from having a cry at 9am watching my daughter make pancakes and thinking I would never have another one. And after all this, it's a devastating thought.

Anyways, I'll keep doing these silly early morning HPT's until I'm 100% sure it hasn't worked. And try to stay busy and cheerful and hopeful despite it all. Focus on what is great.

Like right now, laying down in peace and quiet. Sigh..... I think I'll go make myself that cup of tea.

POAS/HPT at 5dp5dt for a BFN but hoping for a BFP or + beta by end of the week. Hope AF does not appear!

For those who may not be so familiar, these terms are all the rage in the fertility (or lack of) world.

POAS - Pee on a stick
HPT - Home pregnancy test
5dp5dt - 5 days past 5 day transfer (number change depending on the day and type of transfer)
BFN - Big fat negative
BFP - Big fat positive
+ positive
- negative
Beta - Quantitiative Beta HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) - the hormone produced in early pregnancy
AF - Aunty flo, your period, menstrual cycle

There are quite a few more of these but even i can't keep up!

So to decode my title. Peed on a stick at 5 days past 5 day transfer for a big fat negative but hoping for a big fat positive or positive blood test by the end of the week. Hope that my period does not appear!

This does show me that the pregnyl shot is out of my system. So if it stays negative, then a negative cycle. If it somehow, by some miracle, becomes positive later, then the blastocyst/s have implanted and are starting to produce their own hormone. But it doesn't tell how strong they are and if they will continue.

Having sleepless nights wondering about this. I'm waking every couple of hours. It is so unfair that some useless, irresponsible, horrible chicks sneeze and get pregnant and others, wonderful, beautiful women, deserving of children, find it so awfully hard to get knocked up.

Then, according to my doc, some dodgy, crappy, ugly blastocysts become beautiful, healthy normal babies and some perfect, wonderfully formed blastocysts amount to nothing and get flushed down the toilet along with the $10k it took to make them.

Which is why i think it's up to chance. To fate. To God or whomever you choose to believe in. To luck. To Karma. To wimsy. To what is written in the stars. To complete and utter insanity!

Well, i'm not going to be discouraged. I had gotten up at 3, peed. Drank a huge glass of water, then got up again at 5, busting and that's when i took the HPT. Not to mention, it's only 5dp5dt. A bit too early for a positive. And it was one of those two for one cheapie HPT which i'm suspicious about anyways.

Not going to give up hope. Just going to hang in there, stay busy and pray to God that he'll show me some mercy and bless me with a positive Beta and baby. Or that i'll just get on with life if this is negative because, really, just thinking about it, i really don't want to do this again...

Day two in Singapore

I've put in a bit off effort after getting home today and my house is starting, only starting to look like yobbo's don't live here. I've had a fabulous day. Though i really need to cut up my credit cards and only carry cash with me. 

Bought 8 HPT's, two of which are digital and are supposed to tell you how pregnant you are. For $20 a pop you'd hope they'd tell you the sex of the child! But anyways, I'll use these two fancy ones next Fri and Sat and maybe that will give me a good idea of how viable it is. The other ones were cheapies. They were on sale 2 boxes for $20 (and 2 in each box so really 4 for the price of one) i'll start that tomorrow morning and just see what happens. Just also realised that i'm a dumbass and even though i was fully aware of the sale, i only got 3 boxes! Wtf...

Though, i always seem to have problems with these things. Peeing on a stick should not be difficult. You pee... on a stick. It can't be that hard! But for some reason, and i've peed on a hellova lot of sticks in my procreating years, for some reason, i have trouble. Bad aim, not enough, whatever! It always ends up messy... I shall say no more.

So came home to make dinner and darling daughter insisted on making jello. Luckily i had a box in the pantry and we made it together but somehow i managed to screw it up. I mean, who screws up making Jello! I was using the "normal" method and midway, ended up using the "quick set" method so now i have no idea if it will work. I mean, if you know it's gonna set more quickly, why wouldn't you just use that method all the time and not bother with printing two methods of making jello on the box!

Then went on to dinner which was going to be risotto only cause i checked the fridge. i happened to have all the ingredients. Well, i thought i did. But only half of what i needed of arborio rice. So i added basmati (risotto purists would be horrified!) but it turned out ok, thanks to the dried porcini. By the way. Get a microplane. Go and get one. Well, mine is a bootleg Scanpan version of a microplane. But i love it! Oh and another tip. Cheap Pecorino is NOT like real italian parmesan.

And by the way, a big pat on the back to me for actually cooking dinner two nights in a row. I'm just as surprised as anyone else...

Pre nesting nesting...

I'm pre nesting nesting and it's bad. I haven't even finished unpacking and there is crap everywhere! But i can't seem to help myself. Every room in my house just seems not quite right and i'm moving beds around and trying different things in the hopes that i'll feel a bit more at ease. Probably not the best thing to do, seeing as heavy lifting is supposed to be a no no, along with coffee and sex. But i've ignored all of this in line with my why stress it philosophy... And I doubt there is much that will settle me. Not until i get the results in anyways.

Waiting for next week to see if my darling daughter has gotten into her school of choice and i'm praying she does because she has not annoyed me so much as since we've been back. Probably cause i have things i think i need to do and she keeps interrupting. When on holidays, i really had nothing to do but hang out with her. But the poor thing maintains her cheerfulness, even under duress.

My quest to find a place for my blood test is proving interesting. Called a fertility clinic just in case i thought i'd do another cycle if this were negative. I tried to explain that i wanted someone who could do my final blood test, then if positive, deliver the baby or if negative, start me off on a new round of IVF. But they didn't quite get it and said to call back once i know it's a positive test.

The reason i want a blood test is so that i can know how high the HCG hormone is so that i know how viable it is. Peeing on a stick won't tell you that. And i don't want to wait for 3 weeks to get the results of my blood test cause seriously, that is how long it took last time! I have actually had positive tests 3 out of my 6 cycles but 2 were too low to amount to much and 1 was my precious child.

So after a bit of calling around, i've found an OB that can do the test but won't have the results until the next day. I suppose that is better than nothing and she is just up the road from me so it would be really convenient for me if it were positive. The other place i called was going to take 4 working days. Do they NOT see the significance of these tests!? Like the entire direction of my life depends on this test, and they just don't get it!

But anyways, no need to stress. I've booked an appointment for Friday the 10th because you can't just rock up and get a blood test. You have to consult with the doctor first.

I've been doing the numbers and even with the added cost of accommodation, we did end up saving SGD$6.5k on doing 2 cycles in Australia vs 2 here in Singapore (because the first one didn't involve any accommodation costs). This does not include my shopping ;)

If we need to do more cycles, it probably would not save us much to do it in Oz again, because of the accommodation issue. Also looked at Thailand which would cost about the same as doing it in Singapore, except that the clinic there is affiliated with Genea so might have the same protocols, cultures and all that.

Anyways, back to my pre nesting nesting. God, i pray that this is positive cycle and if it isn't that i can accept it and get on with life like we had planned.

Hormonal in Singapore (doesn't quite have the same ring to it)

So, so glad to be home! It has been almost two months since i left Singapore and getting back here is wonderful. My own place with all my own stuff. SO happy that when i walked into the house i burst into tears for the joy of it.

My darling husband picked us up from the airport but we weren't home for even an hour before he packed up and headed off to work again. I was not terribly impressed. Whatever visions i had of being pampered by a loving husband who missed me walked out the door with him. Totally forgotten his absenteeism. So much more forgiveable when you're both in different countries! I think i'll just pretend he's out of the country. And again, we do need the next few days to get used to being around each other again.

Left to my own devices, i managed to blow the electricity in the entire apartment around 9pm. Too buggered to care, i took myself off to bed and woke around 11.30, steaming in my bed! Thankfully G came home not too long after that and figured out all that was needed was for the guard to come and unlock a circuit board out by the lifts and flip it on again. Hooray for air conditioning in this hot and humid country!

Now it's back to life as i used to know it. Driving from the airport, i felt like i had arrived at my holiday destination, rather than returning from a 2 month hormonal holiday. Lush and green, the island looks beautiful.

But after waking this morning and realising that being home also means cooking, cleaning and getting on with life, it's a little bit of a downer. My house is a disaster. Darling daughter, excited as me, has managed to drag out all her toys from every corner. Random things, little itty bits that are now strewn here, there and everywhere. Add to that the 4 bags i brought back with me (i was not idle in Sydney... their retail market is thanking me) that have to be unpacked and stored away somewhere. There is laundry everywhere, dishes in the sink, just stuff everywhere, it's driving me crazy!

And silly things that boys don't notice (i'm generalizing and i know it's wrong, but maybe if you think i'm just talking about my boy it won't seem so bad). Like, the box of laundry soap that i bought in case he ran out while i was away has not moved from where i left it! Mold covering the inside of my clothes washer (although he says he's done wash since i've been gone...). Where the hell is the toilet paper?! And soap by the sink to wash your hands? Mysterious disappearances... All sorts of odds and ends in the fridge, also from before i left, that has not been touched, turned different colours, smelling kind of funky. Oh and an entire bag of recycling that could have been taken out during the two months that i was away.

But in his defense, the house was spotless (maybe a little help from our cleaner?). And it's really not his fault that there's a big deadline at work. And it is so nice to have him around when he is. Who else would i make coffee for in the morning and pick up dirty clothes for.

All this is great, though because it keeps my mind off the obvious and will make the days pass quickly until the results are known. G said we should get like 20 HPT (home pregnancy tests) and start testing now. It'll be positive at first cause of the Pregnyl injection but that should drop off in 10 days. Then it should be come negative. Then if it goes positive again, we'll know i'm pregnant.

But i think I need to find a doc to do my blood tests. I want to know how high the HCG levels are so i know how viable it is or isn't and i can't decide if i find one that is a fertility specialist so in case it doesn't work, i can just do another cycle here. It'll cost us $15k but now that i've done two cycles, it seems silly to give up. But then i do think i could be happy and get on with life either way. It's just that IF we decide we want to go for it again, then we could.

Anyways, i better got clean myself up so i'm ready for a ladies lunch and playdate. Gee i love it here!