I only get sad when others are sad for me...

This last week there was a rash of people realizing that i should know the results of our IVF cycle by now. Text messages and emails have popped up asking for news. I only get sad when others are sad for me. So please don't be sad for me. I really don't like being sad, it's not for me at all. Frankly, it blows and i hate it. So i keep busy and focus on anything other than being sad. Coping mechanism, maybe, but i do think that somewhere inside me, i'm quite happy to move on and that's the part i'm concentrating on.

Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.

Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.

But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!

Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.

It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.

So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.