My uterus is about to unleash its lining and it's gonna be bad. I can feel it coming. Along with a headache and the finality that this cycle is over. Negative. The blood test tomorrow is merely a formality.

I am ok. Or will be. There really isn't anything else to be. Sure, I feel sorry for myself. For us. But we tried like we said we would. It didn't work but at least we tried.

There isn't much to feel sorry about, I suppose. So Leela won't have a brother or sister. She'll have to be content with us showering her with 100% of our love, expectations and finances - no sharing needed.

And instead of going back to poopy nappies, sleepless nights, pureed food and countless other ways a baby sucks the life out of you, we can go forward into the "easy" part of having a child, maybe even with some time for ourselves and a bit more cash in our pocket too (in the long run).

The world is at my feet and I don't have to wait anymore to figure out what I want to do. Once Leela is off to school, I'll be the boredest desperate housewife in the east. Time for something to happen and I don't have to include "but what if we have a baby" in any decision I make.

Hundreds of thoughts that wrongly or rightly are going through my head. Things like... Oh fuck, maybe it would have worked if I had tried harder or wanted it more. Or. Shit, we have no reason to get a helper and i really, really wanted one. Or. Damn it, what a waste of 2 months and $20k. Or. Just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps we should buy a car instead.

I suppose I need a day or two to mope and be sad for myself but don't let me catch you feeling sorry for me. What the hell, there will be none of that! Life goes on so let's just get on with it.