Last needle!

Hooray! This ordeal is officially over - kinda. I stuck in my last needle tonight. It's the 2nd shot of Pregnyl which will help maintain my lining. Last time I had that horrible crinone gel twice a day. Ew yuck! So I asked for the Pregnyl this time and now I'm done.

So all there is to do is wait and wonder. An absolute mental game of back and forth. To and fro.

Right now, I'm good. I have options on either side so if I just stay away from the crappy thoughts like if it doesn't work, I've wasted a ton of money. Or if it does work, what if I can't hack being a mother of two. Truthfully, the thought of it scares the crap out of me! But if it doesn't work, will my darling daughter live a sad a lonely, siblingless life?

And then there's all the things I should and should not do right now like soft cheeses, coffee, deli meat, hot baths and on and on.

So! Here is what I am doing. I know I owe it to us to do everything that I can but if it's a choice between being relaxed and happy vs being anal and uptight, I'm gonna take the relaxed option. In my heart I just feel like it's more of a case of 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...' after everything, I've seen and read and heard of so many things that there is no rhyme or reason to procreation. It's random and for people like me, painfully unfair.

There are a few little weird things I'm doing. Mostly based on traditional Chinese Medicine that I did with Leela last time)

Eating pineapple

Avoiding wheat and dairy - not religiously, but just not making them main parts of my diet - I don't stress too much about this

Sticking with warm foods and away from icy cold things - apparently staying warm is important - and again, I'm not terribly strict on this.

Putting a slightly warm hot bean bag on my belly - again, with the warm theme.

And that's about it.

And now I'm so happy to be going home to the love of my life and settling back into a normal routine and not living out of a suitcase... Though I was tempted when someone mentioned an apartment in Paris for two months at $1000 euros a month. But I suppose if I'm counting my pennies, I'd pick Italy over France any day.

I have had a most industrious last day in Sydney. Thank goodness i've been busy cause it's given me very little time to fixate on anything blastocyst related.

First i dropped my darling daughter off with my parents who were going to pass her off to G's parents who are taking her all day and tonight and bringing her back to us just in time for our flight.

Then i meet with an ex client/potential client and it was nice to be reminded that i'm remembered and could do alot of work again if i wanted to.

Then i fit in a bit of shopping.

Then i met up with friends for a long lunch which was fabulous, relaxed and lots of fun and gossip.

Then a bit more shoppping before heading back to my apartment to eat some pineapple (which apparently helps with implantation).

Now a coffee with another friend, dinner out with more girlfriends, a good nights sleep and i'm on my way home!

I suppose things will be fine if this cycle goes either way. If it's a positive, then i'll have a baby. If it's a negative, i'll start up my business again and it can become my new baby but with a hellova lot less poopy nappies!

Two peas, one pod

Meet our two little blastys sitting up there in my uterus. Well, i hope they're still sitting up there somewhere and haven't squirted back out during the course of the day. Guess which one is the better one.

Still, even though the one looks good and it's an expanding blastocyst, a bit further along than the other one (which is considered a early stage blastocyst), there is no guarantee that either of them will stick.

I've been googling blastocyst pics to see where mine come on the quality scale. It's driving me nuts cause i'm obviously not a scientist so i really have no idea! But i did find this one in case anyone is interested.

http://www.ivf1.com/lab-embryo-culture/

And i've looked at my darling daughter who was apparently, textbook - the perfect blastocyst. Here is what she looked like on day 5. But since it's a tiny pic and a bit blurry, it's hard to tell.

I suppose i just muddle through the two week wait the best i can...

Bing, bam, boom! All done...

We had one good expanded blastocyst, one little gem. And one early blastocyst that they felt worth squirting up. From the image they showed me, it is obvious how much better the good one is. Bright, clear, with a lovely outer shell. All the other ones weren't really there yet and the chances of having any to freeze are very low.

So! All that worry for nothing. Lucky to have one that looked decent. But they put the other one up for company and perhaps they will both be pals and support each other these next few days.

I'm sure I will remember a while bunch of questions before the end of the day
that I should have asked but forgot. Maybe starstruck by the fabulous Dr D.

It all began and ended under 15 min. I
Hardly even had time to call G and let him know what was going on. Before I knew it, I was walking out the door and back to accupuncture.

And I didn't pee on Dr D's shoes. Didn't even have time to see what she was wearing. And she, being fabulous and nonchalant about everything just wished me well. Asked if i was gonna pee on a stick or get a bt done in Singapore. Then told me to email her if i needed and let her know what happened. Recommended getting a Kindle and was off on her way.

So now the waiting begins... And you know how much I love waiting!

Supremely nervous

I am supremely nervous... What if I pee on the fabulous Dr D during the transfer!

Dr D's beautiful offices are in a heritage building overlooking Martin Place. The furnishings are gorgeous and it's right above Burberry and down the street from Louis Vuitton which I believe is where she shops, or places in that price range, though she does tend to have a more funky, vibrant style. I feel like the biggest bogan sitting in front of her.

So you can understand why I would be nervous if I were to pee on her Loubitans or Jimmy Choos or whatever is on her feet this afternoon.

Other than that, there really isn't anything else making me nervous. Nothing else at all!!! I promise.

Oh forgot, egg transfer, will I or won't I have any, how many, blah, blah, blah... Minor details. Nothing that a good accupuncture session won't fix. Which is where I am right now. Just waiting. More waiting. HATE waiting!

I promised to call G at the transfer and he rang me at 11.15 wondering if I had forgotten him. He was thinking 11.15 my time but it's actually 2.15 my time. But really. The fabulous Dr D said he wasn't needed after he turned in his deposit anyways.

Being called in for accupuncture!

With the love of my life safely home in Singapore and me in Sydney on the eve of transfer, i'm starting to feel nervous about what we had decided about our eggs and what we would squirt up. I'm probably just nervous in general cause it means the end of this ordeal. Possibly the end of this entire attempt at procreating a second time. Or the beginning of something that is going to change our lives forever.

So back to the transfer tomorrow. What if, WHAT IF, we have 2 decent blastocysts (even that is being optimistic cause really, we've only had 1 good one). The plan was to chuck them both up. But what if... WHAT IF, they both stuck. I know it's a long shot but twins? TWINS?! I would not cope.

Then if we decided to stick one up and let the other one get vitrified, and the first didn't stick. The success defrost rate is only 60-70%. And even then it doesn't mean that the frozen one will stick. It also means another trip back to Sydney for a month, at the end of which, if the poor frozen bugger doesn't survive the defrost, then it's just more money thrown in the bin. I would not cope...

So then back to having two squirted up! WTF...

I know i should just wait and see what we have tomorrow, but i can't help myself. I keep running these scenarios in my head. Even having any to freeze is such a foreign, freaky thought to me. But just that what if is driving me bonkers.

And i'll have to go it alone at the clinic, the stirrups, speculum, squirt, everything. Still, it's better than having someone else there (other than G). I've had so many loving offers of people wanting to come with me and hold my hand, but right now, i hate that thought. Tomorrow, i might wish i had taken someone up on that offer. But now, the idea of having another person by my side to discuss the eggs, how many, what to do. Not to mention that you really don't want just anybody by your side when you're spread eagle in the chair and the doc is doing her thing down below. Gross!

Anyways, i think i'll try and sleep on it. Try and not think about it and hope tomorrow is a beautiful day.

Oh goodness, I have become a chunkalunka!

Caught sight of myself in the full length mirror on the wardrobe in my new "home" for the next few days. What a chubster! And really, that word is only cute when talking about a baby. But it really is the best way to describe myself right now.

I've obviously been indulging myself a bit too much lately. But oh what the hell, sanity over skinniness at this point of time. I've been packing it on while living it up and cause most of the clothes I've bought is Metalicus - nice, comfy and stretchy, I haven't even noticed the few extra rolls appearing here and there. Or perhaps the boobs have gone down enough so that I'm actually noticing that everything else has also ballooned.

But you know, this whole devil may care attitude has seemed to work. I haven't worried (much) about all the things I should or should not do. I've just been out enjoying myself on this, my longest holiday ever! So I've chubbed out a bit, I'll just sort that out later.

8 over 6 cells on day 3

I'm pretty happy with my little eggs sitting in the lab over there. They've been busy little buggers and all 8 have divided to over 6 cells which, according to the embryologist, is exactly what they should be doing. I had to ask for more clarification and the run down is.

5 eggs are at 8 cell stage - these are the overachievers. the good bunch.
1 egg has 7 cells - i think it can't decide what to do.
2 eggs have 6 cells - still ok but i'd rather bet on one of my 5 overachievers.

The embryologist then reminded me about the drop off. Even with this good result on day 3, the drop off rate after this is pretty big, which i know. I mean, after 6 cycles, a total of 49 eggs ever, i only have ever had that 1 beautiful, perfect star that became my darling daughter. But now i'm just gonna be happy with what i have. And given the numbers, the odds are much better than last time.

I've been scheduled for transfer at 2.15pm Monday (Sydney time) so if you happen to remember me at exactly that time, please say a little prayer for whatever or whomever they are squirting up me.

Holy crap! This might actually work! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The road ahead is pregnant with unpredictability, dangerous turns, complications... or perhaps joy!

You know you are uptight when...

The masseuse you paid for the hour back massage had to groan the entire time he was working on you. When he was done, the poor guy had to sit down for a rest, looking entirely spent.

I on the other hand, felt 100 times lighter and more relaxed. I would go back but I think he would cry if he saw me again.

I'm having some much needed me time, having left darling child up at hornsby. Frankly, she was beginning to wear on me, delightful as she is, perhaps the 2 months as her sole parent was starting to take its tole. Poor child has been such an angel through this and I love her. But so nice to get away on my own. (Hubby had a meeting across town.)

Tomorrow we find out how many eggs decided to divide and conquer. The overachieving ones should be at 8 cell stage or more. The slow pokes should just give up now.

I hope we have a few good ones. But then it presents a conundrum. How many do we squirt up into the safety of my uterus.

Since G is leaving tomorrow, we've made a plan. Just so I don't have to make any decisions on my own at the Monday transfer.

The plan is:

One good blasty - obvious. Up it goes and good luck to it!

Two good ones - send em both up and let them duke it out.

Three or more good ones - send one up and let the others chill in cryovac.

Mind you, we have only ever had one good one despite whatever quantity of eggs and fertilizations we've had.

So to step back, perhaps we should just be praying for at least one good one on day 5.

Here I am, hormonal in Hornsby again

So back at the family home in Hornsby for the next two nights. Then back to the city for the last few days til I hop on a plane home! It's been so long, I think I'll have culture shock when I get back. I am so glad this is almost over. Whatever the result, I am just ready to go home.

I can't be too excited or hopeful for my 8 little eggs. I think we've had 8 fertilize before and most of them petered out before transfer. Still, as people infuriatingly remind me, it only takes one. And it does... But it's still an infuriating thing to say because goddamit, how many will there be before the one takes or will it even ever happen.

Had mixed feelings coming back here to hornsby. Really glad to see my lovely hosts again. (Although the frequent commenting on us having a baby in nine months, even a comment on how I should have a home birth in Singapore, I could do without...) Just too early for all of that and it freaks me out. I would prefer to just ignore the big white elephant in the room and go on as if we weren't even trying! At least I would prefer that around my in laws because the whole subject is so emotionally charged and they are terribly optimistic, rightly or wrongly, that disappointing them may be even harder than my own disappointment. I do not mind at all sharing the nitty gritty of the process. Eggs, sperm, injections, hormones, all that is easy to talk about but I would prefer to stay well clear of how I or anyone actually FEELS about it.

Then there is the other white elephant, the invaders who threw me out of hornsby in the first place. I actually should thank them because I did not remotely start enjoying myself until I left the hole that is Hornsby and moved into the city, then chatswood. What I thought was a curse turned out to be a blessing. Except for the fact that even seeing pics of them makes me recoil and gives me the shudders... I know, how could I be like that! Even I don't know. But it does. The shudders! Pics of them, hearing from them, hearing of them... I shudder. And I also felt terribly pissed that they left my lovely home in Hornsby in such a mess, dirty diapers strewn about, filthy, that it took an entire day for the clean up. AND not even so much as a text to say Thank You to my hosts. Shudders... This might take a few years to get over.

But I am so glad it's almost over. Come what may, this cycle has gone as well as it could have. I've had a lot of fun in the process and now all we can do is wait and hope for what will be. Again, terrified that it could work. But ready for whatever outcome occurs.

8 is my favorite number

Ever since I was a kid, 8 has been my favorite number. It's only fitting cause we had 8 of our 9 eggs fertilize normally! I am so happy with that result considering that we had 7 last time and only 3 fertilized. 8 out of 9 is awesome. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Those little buggers have a long way to go these next few days

9 is our lucky number

Actually we have 8 good eggs and one immature one. Now the anxious wait to see how many have fertilized by tomorrow morning.

Dr D who may not seem care but I suppose I'm not paying her to care is actually rather fabulous. She dresses immaculately in designer wear, is rather articulate, humorous and knows her stuff (I hope). She said I had a really good result to this cycle's stimulation. The embryologist said that 9 is also a pretty good result.

So here's hoping! Dr D promised that it would be ok for me to go home as soon as transfer is finished so I'm booking flights and hopefully on my way a week from now. I can't hardly wait!

I've spent the rest of the day in bed watching Downton Abbey, free from
child and with vigilant hubby trying his best to look after me.

What a different collection this had been. I have felt 100 times better than the last cycle. So thankful it hasn't been totally unbearable. But I have been a bit indulgent this time around too. So let's not stop now! Let's enjoy this last week in Oz and see what happens from here.

Collecting eggs

On my way to what may be my final egg collection. Slightly nervous. Even G had to take a moment this morning cause he felt like vomiting. It's like waiting to see if you got the job you desperately wanted. Oh, except you probably didn't spend $15k in pursuit of it.

I have decided that my big, drug induced boobs make the rest of me look smaller. Note to self. No need for liposuction. Get breast implants instead.

I'll admit that I've put on an extra kilo since leaving hornsby. I had actually lost a kilo in hornsby. (Probably because of the extremely healthy, vegetarian diet i was on by de facto. Also resulted in terrible gas at times which is not so good in my condition.)

Since leaving hornsby, I've basically ate out alot. Really enjoyed myself and the beauty of the drugs is that it's given me huge boobs so you can't tell I've put on the weight.

Except around my face where I've chubbed out a bit but no matter, no one's looking there anyways.

On the way now to the airport to pick up my parents. Apparently I've been attacking poor hubby all morning and he has to "grin and bear it" - his words. I'm pulling out my excuse for all things. I am fucking hormonal!

Checking back in to the Sheraton for two nights. So happy about that though I told G that I might just refuse to get up and go to the clinic tomorrow. He, in return threatened to bring Dr D in to drug me up and then I would do anything they want me to.

I have been triggered

I've been triggered by my needle ninja. I told him to go away but he would not. I begged him to go away and he still would not. He held the needle gleefully, ready to poke me and inject me. How could a person enjoy inflicting pain on their lover so much!

But it's done. i've been triggered, and somewhere down there, my ovaries are grooving, shaking their thing and getting ready to expel those damned follicles that could contain perfect eggs or real duds.

And now my loving husband, after having inflict pain on me so joyfully gets to pleasure himself in one of the few things he has to do for the entire cycle. He gets to purge himself of all those little swimmers so he has nice fresh, energetic ones for collection. (I've tried to get him to guest blog about the details of his part in all of this but not sure if he will) So not right. Not right at all.

He told me tonight a little bit about the room he gets to go to in order to give his specimen. While i've had holes drilled into me, sedated and left to sit on my own, bleeding, hurting and if i'm lucky, about to vomit, he gets a nice room full of fun things to look at, only one act to perform which, for a guy shouldn't every be difficult (was gonna use the word "hard", but realised, not appropriate...)... AND get this... a fridge full of beer, wine and soft drinks.

What the fuck...

I am lucky if i even get a lukewarm cup of tea, some panadol and crusty bickies to nibble on.

Anyways, I'm back in Hornsby tonight and it just does not have the same vibe as the city. It is quiet. There is nothing around. It is boring. It is cold and miserable. But it's only one night then i'm back in the city for two nights. I demanded a two night stay, being the princess that i am, and also so that i can recover in luxury, free from housekeeping, socializing or people of any kind wanting to hug me, shed tears or make comments about how we could have a baby 9 months from now. I want to be on my own and i want to do it in style. Hell, if HE gets a fridge full of beer for his work, i at least deserve that much!

So much for feeling awesome...

Got a call from Genea to prepare for trigger tonight - hooray! But feeling shitty today. Not looking forward to the procedure. It sucks. It hurts. It totally blows.

I do not want a rod poked up me. Do NOT want the largest needle I've ever seen poked into my vagina and ovaries, however useless they may be. Do not want to deal with painful tummy, discharge, gels inside me, feeling sick, feeling angry, feeling just over it all!

Can I just say no? No more poking and prodding. No more needles and drugs and all the shit associated. Just no more. Please!?

Can't i just take my chances. Let me ovulate naturally, have sex with my hubby and come what may?!

G was horrified that I think if that, saying we could end up with 18 kids! Like that could happen.

I let him do my last injections before the trigger shot and he hasn't lost his ninja touch. They slipped in and out stealthily and painlessly. Damn him! Bet I won't even bruise. I thought I was such a pro at this now. If only he had been around this whole time and spared my belly the horrific trauma of all it's visitors (Nelly, Ted, the freckles and maybe a dozen more).

I feel grumpy and so not ready to face the collection again. So not willing to be hurt. Dreading the number of eggs we may or may not have, hating the idea of waiting 5 days for those hard earned eggs petering out before transfer of some dodgy blastocysts and then disappointment. Returning home barren and poor.

I am just not ready to move forward with this because I have no idea what to expect or want or hope for.

Just another irritating attribute

So it's taking some getting used to, having my beloved back in my life... It's great, don't get me wrong, but just takes some adjusting. Especially after the shitter incident, the way boys think is just a bit beyond me (sorry, guys, we do love you, but c'mon!!!)

I've just gotten used to doing what i want, when and how, without comment or critique. First it was, why did you get those sunglasses cause they sit on your cheeks. Jeeze. I thought they were lovely... Next, having a sleep in when i'm starving and used to eating early - i'm a bitch when hungry! And we have a child to feed, then finally dragging us all out of the house and him moaning about me fluffing about. Grrrrr. Then, what do you feel like for dinner, I dunno honey, what do you want... Aurgh! An opinion please!

Then, thinking it's be lovely to have a night in the city, I loved it so much, but hubby is not as in love... Whatever! What is not to love about shopping and eating (hmmmm, food playing a big part in this blog)

We did have a wonderful dinner down at Darling Quarter. It was awesome, we just wandered down, there was music, great food (Braza). (Think I overdid the Brazilian BBq and will pay for it later) I DO love having him around, it IS so nice to have company.

Then, after the shitter debacle of the previous night, he made sure he was not on the shitter, but playing some game on his iPhone. He must have heard me grumbling cause he came in wanting to mix my shots. Which he partially botched and had to use the already blunt poking needle to draw up the drugs which effectually make the needle blunter. Then he had this "I want to poke needles in your belly" look in his eyes, saying it was the only thing he could do to help, apart from his small contribution on collection day. I couldn't let him, Just could do it! So did it myself with him watching . Maybe tonight, but if he hurts me, I swear he'll never hear the end of it!

So I'm at Genea at Kent St today for hopefully my last bloods and u/s. There is a shitload of poor desperate couples here! At Chatswood, maybe 2-3 for my first cycle, max of 8 for this one, but in a city, tons... I feel like baring my belly and comparing war wounds...

Of course, hubby said he wanted to be here. But I had to leave him and darling child sleeping at the hotel and head out by myself, without breakfast... No surprises there.

(short break now to get my u/s done)

I'm just praying this is it now, right ovary had 14 follicles, the biggest being over 20mm, a few others around the 19mm mark and then the tiny ones. Left, goddamned LAZY ovary, 8 pathetic, measly follicles. Only one made it to 19mm and the rest are tiny. Endo lining is only 8. SO disheartening!

(another break for my BT)

Lovely nurse didn't hurt me as much but halfway through the blood stopped coming out! Never happened before. But hopefully they had just enough to do the test.

So what can I do... Of course I'm thinking ahead, expecting a failed cycle. Determined to go home and be done with it but wondering what if I tried again.

Eternal optimist husband is still hopeful, though, just another irritating attribute...

I guess nothing to do but hope for trigger tonight and go back to the hotel for their lovely breakfast buffet. I swear if anyone is still sleeping, I'm having brekky alone!

Worlds colliding

It's really gonna be worlds colliding in a couple days. My parents are due to fly in on Tuesday. They are staying in the city. Hubby's parents, my lovely former hosts in Hornsby are due to come back some time this week so they can see Leela and G before we go home.

Glad they will both be around but it does complicate things a little. Dear husband of mine does not see why I should care or worry, but I do.

See, my former hosts told me they would be in Queensland til at least the 30th. No problem. There was an issue of who would help me watch my child during my day surgery but whatever... I could sort it out and didn't want to interrupt their plans. I mean they have been most accommodating already and to expect any more would be greedy. I resolved to sort it out on my own. I must have told my conundrum to my parents who then decided that a little holiday to Sydney would be nice. I told them not to worry and that I could find someone to help me (and i did) but they're coming and I was relieved.

Thought it'd be lotsa of fun too to stay the rest of the time in the city, relax, shop and eat with my parents around to help watch Leela so I could recover and not stress out. Not to mention that G's leaving two days before egg transfer and I would be on my own again, it would be so nice to be with my parents.

Anyways, G's parents allovasudden said they were coming back, which of course means that we should return to hornsby and spend some time with them before heading back to our lives in Singapore.

But Hornsby is an hour from the city and the last thing I want is to be roaming to and fro trying to spend time with both sets of grandparents while getting eggs harvested, trying to recouperate, feeling yucky and getting ready for the the transfer.

So trying to work out logistics and plan ahead for the next week, no help from the love of my life of course because his attitude is why worry, it will sort itself out. And maybe it will. But goddamit! I don't need any more uncertainty in my life right now.

I just want to stay in the city, close to the clinic and do as I please. It is not as I please up in Hornsby. Not at all. I just want to lie in bed when I feel awful, send my child away when i need to but be close to so many interesting things in case I feel great and want to go out. Most of all, I don't want the pressure of feeling like I need to socialize or plan meals or cook or clean. Or have to get in the car to drive a half hour to anything remotely interesting! These weeks in and near the city have spoilt me and I dunno if I can go back!

Being hormonal in Hornsby blows! Being hormonal at the Sheraton in the center of Sydney is somewhat more tolerable. Even if my new belly buddies, 6 bruises in total on my left which I'll just call The Freckles have appeared. (We've said a fond farewell to Ted and Nelly.) Not much else is troubling me, I feel fantastic, really. And hopefully, tomorrow morning will be my last blood test before trigger and one step closer to going home!

Sorry, hun, i was on the shitter...

I was already terribly afraid that i could spontaneously, accidentally ovulate this cycle (i know it's irrational, but remember, being irrational is part of the gig) so being so engrossed in the latest Matthew Reilly book last night and then realising that i was a half hour late with my injections did nothing to help the paranoia. What if my lateness gave my ovaries just enough time and freedom to shoot those precious eggs out and down my tubes!

Then i spent all day today feeling almost totally fantastic. Picked G up at the airport, ran by Genea at Kent Street to pick up more drugs then a lovely brunch at Balmoral with some lovely people. Followed by a splash in the spa, a trip to the shops and finally a nice dinner with my youngest brother in law and his gorgeous wife. It was such a good day and i felt really good. Except of course for the boobs, huge, sore and aching.

So of course i'm wondering if i had ovulated because i felt so good. But after dinner, driving to Max Brenner to continue our lovely evening it felt like my ovaries instantly and spontaneously expanded 2 sizes bigger. It was like one moment i was talking about how the duck tasted and the next moment, kaboom, my ovaries had combusted. Now my belly feels double the size it was. Even laying on my tummy, which i have been doing all week with no problems, feels like i could rock side to side due to the size of my gut. Perhaps i just ate too much duck...

Anyways, i had to rush out of Max Brenner to come home and shoot up. We were already a half hour late but since i was a half hour late last night, we thought it would be ok. As soon as we got home, G reminds me to do my shots and offers to help. Remember he's the injecting ninja of my first 4 cycles. So i'm getting the shots ready. Two of them. For the Cetrotide - mix, drain, change needles and ready to go. Puregon pen is just a quick twist of the device to 300mg and that's ready too. Somehow darling daughter gets woken up and she wanders out and insists on helping me swab my belly. Now we're 45 min late! Where the hell has hubby gone? But of course he's on the shitter! and knowing that he tends to take his time, i just do the injections myself (with my little assistant). He has missed it. The first set of injections that he has ever been around to witness these last two cycles. Of the probably 40 injections i've had to do alone and now he is actually in the house. He's missed it. Slightly pissed off on my part. I don't think that "sorry, hun, i was on the shitter.." quite cuts it. I think i'll withhold sex tonight just to spite him!

Sorry, hun, i've been here, alone and hormonal without any support for almost two months, injected myself about 40 times, over 10 blood tests and 8 pokes up my vagina with an ultrasound rod, all while being a single mum and living with your family dramas so i'm just not going to do it with you tonight even though it's been ages and i know you're super horny because if quality time on the shitter is THAT important to you, then sex is that NOT important to me!

A whole lot less achey and breaky

I think i've gone mad thinking about what could happen with those damned eggs and also what to do afterwards. I'm so eager get home that I'm ready to book flights for the day after transfer. But then I think. Should I stay 11 more days for the all telling blood test? Just in case there are complications, it might be a good idea to be in Sydney so Genea can tell me what to do.

But then at the same time, Dr D said I can leave right after transfer. So I'm sure i could find someone on Singapore to help me. It would just cost me. But if I stayed, i dont suppose i'd want to be back at Hornsby because even if it's free, it is just SO far from everything! So if I'll pay for accommodation, I might as well go home and pay for medical treatment instead.

And if I do stay and find out that it's negative, I know a part of me would want to do another cycle. But really, I think if I didn't go home I'd be so sad...

We did still save SGD$10k even with all this additional cost of hotels. So if a 3rd cycle were on the cards we'd save more too. Maybe around $5k cause I know we'd have to fork out for my accommodation again...

The good news, though, is that I feel alot less achey and breaky this cycle. Still not myself but less of an uncomfortable belly, less nauseous and less depressed and angry and tired. The only things causing real drama are my boobs but it's not so bad as long as I keep them firmly supported.

So glad G arrives this morning! Things can only get better, right?

Will the waiting never end!!

Got a call from Genea who said Dr D thinks we should wait longer and let all the little eggs catch up. Jeeze!

So next blood test is on Monday, which is one day later than my worst case date! I asked what if the big follicle gets too big or ovulates accidentally. The nurse said the biggest follicle may be over ripe, so to say, but hopefully the majority of eggs will be good quality.

Again who's to know! Have I just gone through all of this again to have a batch of dodgy eggs! Starting to suspect that maybe the last cycle was ended too quickly just so Genea didn't have to work over Christmas! I was so thrilled with my 12 day cycle because that is the norm. This cycle is going to 14 + days and I feel like such a pawn and everything is up to chance. I feel like I'm just a careless experimentation to Dr D and Genea and they really don't give a damn. Although that can't be true. They have their reputations to protect and they're probly just as pissed as me because I'm screwing up their statistics! It just feels like they don't care at all. It even seemed like Nurse H didn't want to answer my questions and just wanted to hurry and get off the phone.

Apparently I won't ovulate accidentally because of the drugs. But what if the little eggs don't mature and my biggest bestest egg goes rotten and I don't have any eggs at all!

It's all just so discouraging and frustrating! I could literally scream...

But I'll silently wait. At least I kind of know that I'll be triggered on Mon and have egg collection on Wed. But it could all change again too on Mon...

2nd ultrasound

Well I'm afraid this ordeal has a few more days in it. Can't be sure, of course, until the clinic calls and tells me what to do and when.

I've got 13 follicles in my right ovary, 8 in my left. The largest one is 18mm and the rest are pretty small. My left ovary especially really hasn't come out to play this time. Maybe cause I've been injecting on my right side every night this whole cycle, except for last night because i had run out of unbruised belly space on my right. I probly should have thought of that but too late now for regrets. What will be, will be.

Same little girl, though very friendly and cheerful did my blood test. As soon as I saw her I knew it'd hurt! But what can be done. There seems to be an explosion of people doing IVF so the wait was forever (as my darling daughter put it).

Had the high tech ultrasound room so no need to take notes this morning. They just took pics so i had to ask for any information I needed.

My darling daughter, still very curious, kept asking what they were doing, why and where were they putting the wand. She just casually wandered down the bottom end just so she could see where it was going, much to my dismay! But I wonder what she is thinking in her head. She's rather smart, you know, so I don't know what is going on in her mind. She did ask me why I was having all these things done and all I could say was they were checking on things and later after her persistence... Wait for daddy.

So just hoping Genea calls soon so I know what the hell to expect for the next few days.

A few useful (and some disgusting) tips to surviving IVF

1. Don't try this alone. And with a 4 and a half year old tag along. Better done with a supportive partner in the country. Better yet, do it in the country you are residing in with everyone you know and love around the corner for emotional support.

2. Have comfy, supportive and soft bras so it isn't too uncomfortable when your tits feel like they are on fire. Can be used when pregnant too (that is if you get pregnant or are optimistic that you will)

3. Have undies that err on the side of being a bit granny cause once your tummy starts bloating, you don't want to wear anything that presses on your belly. Don't see how a G string would be useful either for obvious reasons.

4. Further to the undies tip, have comfy, stretchy clothes you can wear that don't make you look like a bogan. A bit of planning and shopping may be needed.

5. Once that egg white starts flowing, you really can't miss it, use a pantyliner.

6. Don't inject in the same place all the time cause you'll get a big lump at the site. Also might be a good idea to inject on both sides of your belly to spread the loving to both ovaries. Not sure if it has any effect or not.

7. Don't stress and don't stress about stressing or not stressing. Further, do whatever you think will help just so you can say you tried everything you could and won't regret not doing something. (I, on the other hand am saying screw it all and just trying to maintain a state of zen instead of worrying about diet, yoga, exercise, accupuncture, meditation, coffee drinking or anything at all really. I'm sure i'll always wonder if i could've done more but really, i barely get through the day so to hell with it all!)

8. Don't live with people you don't normally live with and stay the hell away from family dramas.

9. Start a blog. Send everyone to your blog instead of having to wax eloquent about everything they may or may not want to know about in person. Probly wise to only tell people about your blog if you're not bagging them in your blog. Which is a bit tricky because really everything is irritating and everybody becomes a target cause you're so overcome with the hormones that rage becomes a very real part of your existence.

10. Be hopeful but pessimistic.

11. Have a stash of cash you can use because believe me, honey, you'll need the retail therapy!

12. Plan to be busy but also plan to have alot of time to rest. Would be handy to have a person around who could wait on you hand and foot if it were needed.

Last but not least. It's completely and utterly okay to be psycho!

Today is a not coping kind of day...

Very much looking forward to my blood test and ultrasound tomorrow, just so that i can get more information and a better idea of when this ordeal will be over. Today is almost over and i just have to get through tomorrow because then G arrives the morning after and i won't be on my own anymore.

This part of the cycle is when everything hurts more, feels more frustrating and i swear i can feel those fat ovaries throbbing in me with a dull ache. I also spend alot of time wondering when egg collection will be and i'm afraid it will most likely be Tuesday, though i can never be 100% sure which is so irritating because any day is just not soon enough when my tits feel like they are on fire and my boobs are so big and sore that i don't really have a bra that is comfortable anymore. And then feeling tired, not wanting to do anything but not able to do nothing because there is a little person to entertain.

I have had a few opportunities present themselves that have added a bit of interest to these days. Someone told me that perhaps it's a sign to stay longer and keep trying so i can take advantage of these opportunities but i really don't think i have it in me at this stage. I just want to go home and be home with people nearby who can help if i just want to have a lie in bed and read a book.

But this cycle has been so much better than the last one. I still feel like crap but not as crappy as i remember feeling last cycle so i am grateful but i'm not sure if the degrees of feeling crap have any effect on the quality of those damned eggs.

So i'm hoping for an early night tonight so i feel nice and rested for tomorrow. And so i can actually make it through one more day on my own.

Nelly and Ted - a tale of two bruises

Nelly has just met Ted. Ted has two heads. Ted and Nelly live on jelly. They live on the jelly that is my belly.

Nelly is dark and angry and brooding. She is pissed off and gonna stay for a while. Ted is slightly more forgiving but maybe cause he has two heads that share the darkness. The heads divide and conquer the brooding and think they may go away before too long.

Nelly was born on a Sunday. Ted and his two heads on Monday. Tonight, Tuesday, they both share the space on my jelly belly. They pass the time by playing on again, off again (the hurt that comes with bruising, that is).

Nelly and Ted could be lovers except that they are just that little bit too far apart to touch. But they glance in each others direction with longing knowing that they will never quite be together. And they sing songs in 3 part harmony together knowing that soon, all of them will become lighter, then expand into a shade of yellow, then fade into oblivion.

But as it's been said, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... Or something along that lines.

What to do?! And here come the tears...

I decided i'd ask Dr D if i could even do another cycle after this one. Since i'm now doing two cycles back to back I thought perhaps i would need to give my poor ovaries a break. So to help me out in deciding to stay or go home, i thought i'd just check with the doc and see.

If i need a break, it would be easy. Like a sign. It's not meant to be, just go home. If i could just do another cycle right away, then i'd have to decide if i am willing to go again and if it'd be worth it. Dr D said we would need to see what my hormone levels were at the end in order to decide if we can do another cycle.

Does she not understand that i have a life to get back to!? I really can't do this indefinate existence much longer! If i don't do another cycle, i can go home in two weeks, the thought of which makes me so happy and sad too because if i'm home in two weeks and not pregnant, then i will never have another child. Which, by the way, i was perfectly fine with before we started this cycle but now, i think i would feel rather sad. Just a little bit.

What to do... What to do?! If i wait for another cycle, i'll have to wait for the 2nd week in Feb to even see if i can do another cycle. And then i won't be home until mid March and that is a third of the year gone! I'm horrified that i could be here that long... And here come the tears...

But it's terribly silly of me to be crying about this at this point. Who's to know if this will work or not. It's just the thought of potentially being here FOREVER and still perhaps ending up with nothing but an empty bank account.

Life here is not so bad. It's actually rather enjoyable. I'm visiting friends, chilling out, doing lots of shopping, eating great food. It's not bad. It's the living a life in limbo that's bad. Constantly running over in your mind what to do if... or what to do when... only to realise there is no point thinking of anything because i have no idea what the future holds.

I've got two days before my next BT and U/s and i hate the days in between because i feel even more in limbo without anything to do and i feel useless and powerless to help my egg grow bigger and stronger and better. And then you wonder when collection will be and you wish it could be sooner and the hormones are running rampant and it's just aweful and emotional and your body feels beat up and bruised and bullied from the inside and out. And it's hard because it's just me now. No one to help me run after the little miss, who really is a beautiful child, but always on the go when all i want to do is sit and feel sorry for myself and wonder what to do.

Suck it up! That's what i tell my darling daughter when she squawks about something inconsequential. Suck it up... It will be ok.

That's Nelly on my Belly to you

Let me introduce you to Nelly. Nelly is the great big bruise on my belly. I think she may be from the injections a couple nights ago, but who's to know. She's big, she's angry and she hurts. It's not a pretty sight so don't look if you don't want to. Just thought i'd share.

First ultrasound

Woke up at a reasonable time for my blood test and ultrasound and got the results back within the hour. I freaked out a bit cause i thought there may be something wrong because they don't usually call back so quickly. But they said all was ok and to continue with my drugs, blah, blah, blah...

Got the same little girl that did my last blood test and it hurt so whenever i see her, i cringe because i know it'll be painful. The ultrasound was fine, apparently i've got an inverted uterus and this time my two ovaries were snuggled up right next to each other on top or under my uterus so it was hard to see all the eggs. My darling daughter was there and true to form, she asked all sorts of questions which i diverted with a "let's ask Daddy when he gets here..."

Still, i managed a lining of 10mm. 9 eggs in my right ovary ranging from 8-13mm and 8 in my left ovary ranging from 7-11, but mostly teeny tiny ones that i doubt will be good enough at the end of the cycle. They have scheduled my next BT and U/s for Friday and said egg collection may be early next week. I really have no idea what to hope for. Was hoping for a Thur and Sat test with trigger being on Sat. Now it's looking like a Fri and Sun test which is a longer cycle but i am worn out and just want to go home as soon as possible.

Nothing like a new baby to pull things all together and remind everyone what is important. Gran made it to QLD just in time to help deliver the baby at my lovely sister in law's home with the help of my just as lovely brother in law. It was a beautiful baby boy, the first in the family. I still find it amazing that it was born at home but then this family never fails to surprise me. Saw the new mum on skype and she was glowing and so happy i thought, yes, i could do it again.

And there is relief. The others are flying off first thing tomorrow morning leaving me to concentrate on myself and growing eggs in my ovaries in the hopes this cycle will actually work for me. There must be something wrong with me to feel such relief and cheerfulness at relatives leaving the country. But i am. I am relieved that the whole idiotic situation is done and we are all moving on with life.

Had to inject ice cold drugs into my belly tonight because i got home a bit late. Didn't hurt too badly but then it itched like crazy and has come up in a big red welt across my tummy. Again my child wanted to push the needle in but she had to settle, again, for swabbing my belly and pinching the fat as she giggled about it.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and i'll have to take my darling daughter with me. Can't wait for the questions to start. "Mummy, what is that lady putting up your wee wee"... "Mummy, what are those things on the screen"... "Mummy, does it hurt"... Good thing she finds it fascinating and isn't scared about it. The only thing that worries her is if it hurts me.

It's day 7 of this cycle and i'm hoping we are half way through now. Hasn't been so bad but there are times that i wish i were not all alone in this.

All Manners of excitement

This morning there was all manners of excitement when we got a call and before we knew it, Gran was bundled off into the car on the way to the airport to go to her daughter who was having contractions in QLD. What a relief! I then had good reason to high tail it back to Chatswood. Thank you, dearest sister in law for timing the impending birth of your baby so well! The Lord works in mysterious ways...

I don't think i could have lasted up there all day as i had planned to be there spending quality family time. The others had appointments to get to, but even the few hours this morning were enough to drive me to rocking back and forth in the fetal position wanting it all to stop! I will go back for a couple hours tonight to say good bye and good luck. This morning, before i got out of bed, all i could hear downstairs were children demanding this and that. My child, as usual was the silent mute. I did not hear a peep out of her. Which is so not like her!

Pity this has coincided with the yucky part of my IVF cycle. The part where i am exhausted, grumpy, nauseous, pissed off with everything and just not capable of coping with much at all. So glad that Gran has gone up to QLD as then i don't need to worry for her sanity because how she survived up there in Hornsby this last week is beyond me. Such bizarre behaviour and all sorts of weirdness. I never knew anyone could be so ungrateful and inconsiderate. This is just from being there with them for a few hours! But again, i'm hormonal so everything is magnified. But hello, if they could just bother to say THANK YOU even once for anything at all. It might help just that little bit. Even a PLEASE or requesting things in a way that does not seem like a demanded expectation would help. Makes me want to scream!

But i'm safely down in Chatswood, in my own space, with my own child, who by the way has had to have her manners smacked back in to her. Dunno where she picked up the horrible habit of not actually listening to me, whining when it is not necessary or just being downright demanding and rude. Give me half a day alone with her and i'll knock that right out of her and hopefully have my gorgeous, beautiful child back. Again, i wonder if i'm just being unrealistic of what i expect from children.

Anyways, a few hours of peace and quiet should give me enough calm to be up there for a couple more hours before everyone is gone.

Now i just need to plan my own trip to QLD to meet the new baby!

The weariness is back...

Dear me, the weariness is back... The cheerfulness is gone. Perhaps it's because i have returned to Hornsby in an effort to make amends with the family before the departure and while all is fine, it is extremely wearing having constant bicker, crying, whining and demands all around. I've only been here for 3 hours now and i'm ready to leave. My child seems like a silent, mute, cheerful child compared to these other ones. I must have expectations that are too high for children and my poor daughter is being forced to conform to my demands on children being polite, helpful and not winge. Being here makes me not want another child because what are the chances of having another sweet child like the one i have..

But i've decided to stay the night because my darling daughter only has another day to play with her cousins and I really would like to leave as happy families so if i need to suck it up for a little bit, i will. If we can maintain this fragile cocoon of niceties, all will be well, though i can see trouble brewing at times between the other members of the family. I try my best to avert any disasterous comments from either party. So, so, SO thankful that i have my own place at Chatswood that i can escape to if it all becomes way too much. It has made a world of difference, this whole week away from Hornsby.

Now I just want to go to bed. I'm missing friends and family in Singapore, especially cause i know all are back from holidays and having a great time over there living the life i should be living. I'm over traipsing around like a gypsy and i'm starting to feel my ovaries bulging up and getting fat and uncomfortable again. Good thing my city shopping spree included lots of stretchy, comfy clothes to get me through the next week.

Tonight i started the Cetrotide in addition to my Puregon injections. The shots didn't hurt, but now it itches like hell. I decided to inject the Cetrotide first cause the needle is fatter and more blunt so i thought if i did that one first, the second one would seem better. It had the desired effect.

I found a sweet spot on my belly where injections go in and i don't feel it much. Just a little to the right of my belly button, at the fattest bit. But the result is one big bruise in that one area. I can't help but poke it to see if it hurts and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.

Still unresolved over whether i could do another cycle after this one. Maybe i will just hope and pray that this one works and i can be done. Will you please hope and pray for me too...

Injecting alone is a lonely job

Did my Puregon injection tonight alone and i missed my cheerful little assistant standing by to swab my tummy and ask if i was ok. She's at Gran's for the night and while i have loved the time to myself, i miss her and it is lonely injecting myself.

But i shouldn't complain, this cycle is so very different to the last cycle. I feel happy alot of the time. It doesn't seem as hard as last time, perhaps cause i've become a pro and i'm used to the process. Or maybe my decision to be positive. Or perhaps there isn't the family drama and impending invasion that i had going on during the previous cycle. Can i actually say that i feel relaxed and even content? Maybe so.

The shots hurt less, the bruises aren't so big. I don't feel close to tears at every turn. I may even be enjoying myself a little here in Chatswood, just doing what i want when i want. I don't need to cook, i don't need to clean. I don't walk around with a sense of expectation, dread and worry.

I'll have a few interesting days coming up. The others are leaving for New Zealand on Tuesday and i feel like i should do the right thing and go spend some time with them before they go. A bit terrified that i'll say the wrong thing and it will all go pear shaped. Or they will say the wrong thing and i will go pear shaped.

But then this cycle seems almost boring compared to the other one. Sometimes i forget that i am actually doing IVF because i feel normal and ok with things. I only remember when i have to poke myself with the needle and even then, it's pretty anti climatic because they all seem to be pretty easy so far. I'm sure i'm still the shitty person that i become on hormones but this time, it just doesn't seem so bad. Or maybe this time, i don't have anyone to provoke me.

To be or not to be...

I'm starting to wonder if this cycle is not successful, if i'd be driven to stay here and continue doing this until we are successful. The thought of it blows my mind... All the energy, pain, emotion put into it and at the end, nothing... We knew this would always be a very real possibility. We said it would be ok, that at least we tried. And now we have already spent a small fortune in the process. Close to $15k now (I think my Italy fund may well and truly be gone.)

But could i walk away. Or would i become one of those veteran women who keep going, determined and never giving up until there is success. I know someone who's done 20 before having a baby girl. Even i, who is not sure at times if i want to go back to the night feeds and dirty nappies, even i had a moment today when i thought. Holy shit, if this doesn't work, could i and should i try again. And again, and again, and again.

God forbid that i will, though why did we even start this endeavor if the end goal was not to have a baby. Why would we stop if that was what we really wanted? When we discussed this, our end goal was only just to try. Just to try and say we tried. But what a ridiculous notion! That trying was all that we asked of ourselves. How could we do this and think we would be ok without another child. I can't believe we could be so naive! I should just get a job here and stay and keep trying! But i so miss my fabulous life in Singapore.

Blood test results were "good" but who really knows what that means. The nurse just said i was responding to the drugs, told me to start the 2nd injection on Sunday and come back for a blood test and ultrasound on Tuesday. They don't care. No matter what Genea and Dr D say in their marketing, how they will be with you every step of the way and care about the outcome. They don't. I'm just a number, one of the many who foot their bills and keep the staff paid. How can you put a price on procreation. It's impossible! But they have and it's $8,870.00 per cycle. After the government pays me back, the cost is only $3,355.75. It's cheap to create a life in this country. Cheap as chips! And gets cheaper after the first cycle of 2012. Subsequent cycles would only cost $2,805.30. So why wouldn't I keep going?

I must be getting comfortable here in my apartment. Just me and Leela bouncing around in a 2 bedder with everything we need just around the corner. I'll have to remember these days forever. I may never have another opportunity to spend so much time with my baby girl. A sweeter child has not existed before and I love her. The 3 cycles we did to have her were totally worth it. Every penny. I could never, ever repay Genea and Dr D for helping me have my precious child.

So if we tried 2 cycles and had nothing. What would we do. The answer was clear a week ago. Pack up and head home with joy! But now that this strange thought is in my head, that another cycle might not be successful, even though I knew before starting that it might not be. And i was sure that i could be happy with any outcome. Now that the thought of having nothing to show for all this anguish has embedded itself in my brain. What the hell do I do now!?

Gosh, it's been a month already!

Can't believe it's been a month almost to the day that I did my first blood test for the last cycle. How could I have forgotten how wonderful the experience is. Same girl nurse, same child poked me happily. She seems like the only one that can hurt me when drawing blood. Had to take my child with me but she loved it and wanted to hold the vial of my blood.

My cafe around the corner no longer plays Michael Bolton and I no longer have time to myself. Followed by my little shadow. Today I watched her dribble hot choc on her jeans while listening to the news. So different to my quiet mornings post BT to myself.

But I only have myself to blame for the rift in the family and having to stay away. If I could have just sucked it up and let it go, I'd still be hormonal in Hornsby instead of hormonal everywhere. Though when I went by the house yesterday, I couldn't even stand to be there. The other one was in the kitchen acting all agrieved which only served to piss me off more. Who the hell does she think she is to be pissed at me! I had already called with apologies for what my mother in law told her, though I completely had the right to feel as I do. And I also have the right to choose not to spend too much time with them for fear that I would say something wrong and/or she would say something to piss me off and send me over the edge.

How anyone could be so clueless is beyond me, but there she was in the kitchen, acting like it was my fault that we were not all happy families, spending every moment together until they leave for NZ. Of course, I empathize. If I were in her shoes, I would be terribly hurt and disappointed that the family could care less that they are leaving. But that she does not seem to see or care that IVF is a big deal to me and their actions at this time would impact me just gives me little room in my heart to care. Not to mention, I'm hormonal, on my own and pissed even if they weren't in the picture.

So while I'm trying to be positive and happy, I'm finding it almost impossible because the hormone treatment is a bitch and I am not in control of myself. Being terribly happy also makes for boring blogs and actually negates the need to blog at all.

So I'm sitting at a play center watching my little girl make friends with every child that walks in, flashing her lovely smile and I wish I had been born with that forever happy gene that she and G have. But I suppose there is no use wishing for things that I just don't have...

How have I been so lucky to have a child so filled with joy and love. She's an absolute star. She was as a blastocyst and is still now. Dunno how we could be so lucky again but I suppose stranger things have happened.

We've checked out of the Sheraton having thoroughly enjoyed our stay and wishing we could stay longer. Darling daughter even asked for one more night but we have an apartment in Chatswood waiting for us.

It's been such a lovely time, the two of us, indulging in retail therapy, afternoon teas and whatever else strikes our fancy.

I'm taking darling daughter to a breast ultrasound as I don't have anyone to help mind her but she seems to love all of the needles and tests. She was asking to see the next blood test and every night, she stands ready to inject me.

No longer hormonal in Hornsby, I am just hormonal. Two injections in and the effects are starting already.

Have to drop by Hornsby to pick up more stuff. My lovely hosts will not be there but the others might be. I sort of hope they aren't cause along with the hormonalness, the madness has begun and I neither want to see or speak to them. Poor people, having done nothing but be completely clueless, they bear the brunt of my irrational anger. I wonder who or what I could have been angry at if not for them. I wonder how these months would have been if things had not happened as they did. Trying to keep everything in check and being away from that house is such a blessing.

I have made the right decision and in enough time, I'll forget what has gone on and be ready to spend time with them again. I at least hope for that because I do so dearly love them even as I can't stand the sight of them right now.

Tomorrow morning is my first blood test so we are really doing this and hoping for what. I still am not sure what I'm hoping for even after all of this.

The very first injection of our very last IVF cycle

I'm a legend! I'm king of the world. I am pretty damned good.

Just put my first needle in. The first needle of our last IVF cycle. Here's a taste of things to come... It was utterly and completely painless. And i'm not lying, being sarcastic, or playing it down in an effort to glaze over the cold hard facts that i so clearly laid out in my blog the last cycle. (those of you on the road to IVF, take heart! it is completely possible.)

It was easy, painless, it was fine. And we will be too. At the end of this, we will be ok.

My darling daughter swabbed my belly, stood by, wanted to poke the needle in for me (i would not let her), asked me if it hurt, smiled at me and was an absolute angel. Even paused her Wiggles DVD so she could be part of it.

It was completely painless, it all went in. Now it's starting to sting, but such a little bit that i can hardly feel it. I can do this again, really i can and then never again.

Boys are lucky bastards

I'm going to say it. Boys are lucky bastards. If all i had to do was pleasure myself a couple times in an IVF cycle, i'd be able to do this 100 times!

I will list the 5 most enjoyable parts of IVF for me, in no particular order:

1. The needles, at least 20 of them
2. The hormones, out of control and raging
3. The ultrasounds, who wouldn't love a rod poked up there!
4. Egg collection, otherwise known as the invasion of my ovaries with big huge long needles
5. The constant waiting, wondering, calculating dates, times, what if, what if not, what next, what the hell!

For a boy, there is only one thing. One thing!

1. Cum in a cup.

Seriously! how is that fair? It isn't. It is so unfair because in so many cases, like our own, it is half of their problem. So how do I get at least 5 most enjoyable things (amongst the other lovely things i have to put myself through) and HE gets 1. One simple, easy, "enjoyable" task. It blows my mind.

But whatever, life isn't fair, we just got to get on and get it done.

Here we go again!

Hooray for my period. It's here but it is the worst ever. I feel like my uterus is falling out of me and it hurts! So much for the fun i was having.

So i took my child and wandered into the Genea office for my blood test and to sign the paperwork. She loved seeing me getting my bloods taken. So inquisitive and now wants to help me inject the drugs.

I've been given the ok to start my Puregon tonight. It was supposed to be tomorrow but since i want to do it in the evenings, they said best to start tonight and then come in for a blood test on Friday. I'm so eager to get started on this, our last try for another child.

Though i did have a moment where i just didn't want to start. I was enjoying myself so much, i had forgotten the pain involved. And now that i'm bleeding and it hurts, i wonder why i ever thought i could be completely positive and happy about it!

But i'll try. I asked Dr. D if she had any advice for last ditch efforts and her response was "For better or worse, there isn't anything you can do other than what you're doing." Got to love it cause really, i don't think she has any idea what i'm doing or not doing. Care factor ZERO. But anyways, i'm just gonna not worry about it at all, enjoy my holiday and what will be, will be.

Best day ever!

Probably cause it's been 3 months since i've felt "normal", my child was up at Grans and i'm having a fantastic city stay, i declare today the best day ever!

I started the birth control pill in October and that wreaked havoc on my hormones and body. Then obviously the last cycle was so traumatic. It is the best feeling ever to be feeling happy, relaxed and ready to go.

Today i woke up when i wanted to (still 7am for some reason). Took my time getting ready. Talked to friends without interruption. Took myself out for a lovely, leisurely breakfast then met someone for coffee. Followed by a lovely long lunch with another dear friend. Oh in between i went shopping and bought myself a few little things.

Then i drove up to the family home and picked up my child, saw everyone, it was nice to say hello to my lovely hosts, they are the best and i actually miss them. Also saw the others who were fine, i was happy to see them but also to go away again, before the crying and whining began. So I took my little girl with me. Then we went to the pool and are now waiting for dinner with another beautiful friend.

I would love to stay here forever. But the best i could do is extend it by one night. Then i'll go and stay one more night at the family home before moving into my own apartment for 10 days. Things are all looking good. Really, really good.

Still waiting for my period. I wish i would start so we can get going and also i can keep my happy streak going. May tomorrow be an even better day ever!

Officially negative... but i'm living it up!

My final blood test was today and as expected, it was negative. I don't think i've ever been so eager for my period to start. Well maybe i have for my other IVF cycles. But i just want to get going on this one.

I've had a bawl today, i won't lie. Not terribly disappointed with the outcome (or maybe i am and just kidding myself that i'm not), but more cause the thought of another cycle is just crap to me. That and the love of my life has boarded a plane and gone away.

Thankfully i am on my own tonight. The house full of rellies was getting way too much for me, though i love them all, i just couldn't look at them. i find it really hard to be around people when i've just had crap news and i don't want them to see that i'm in bad shape cause their concern for me would really make it worse (even though i do appreciate it). My darling daughter told me she wanted to stay and play with her cousins and let Gran look after her. When i asked if she was sure, she said "yes mummy, i will be brave..." And that's what i will do too.

This round, i'm going to look at the cycle with positivity and optimism. What needles! What drugs! I laugh at them. Mwah ha ha ha! I can't wait for the bruises, they will be my badge of honour. The hormonalness will be hilarious and the fact that i'm on my own here in Sydney is just a joyous thought - it's like a lovely extended holiday, just me and my little girl. I can do what i want, when i want!

Starting now. I'm in a beautiful hotel room, eating room service, watching in house movies. Next, i'll run a bath and enjoy it without interruption or having to share it with a little person. Tomorrow, i'll do some shopping, meet a dear friend for lunch, perhaps head to the spa. Don't care about the cost, don't care at all. I'm going to go nuts for a day (or two). Actually, i'm going to go nuts until my period starts! I think that's fair enough. Then let it all begin again. I'm ready, let's do it.

Feeling a bit blue because tomorrow is our last blood test which will tell us for sure how this cycle has ended up. I know what's to come. I've done 3 early pregnancy tests and all were negative so i'm sure the blood test will be too. I'm just now mulling over when my period will get here and when the next cycle will start and feeling rather down about it all. Praying that dodgy bastard isn't stuck in there somewhere, failing and delaying the next cycle. Wondering if, by some miracle, 3 test could be wrong and i could be pregnant. In my head, i know i shouldn't be, but in my heart, i hope that i could be. So i'm feeling blue.

It's not fair that the Crinone gel i take can have the same side effects as early pregnancy. It's such a mental game of continual wondering, i'm just exhausted and feeling a touch sad. Not really cause the cycle has been unsuccessful. I'm more down in the dumps that i have to do this all over again. G hops on a plane tomorrow and will be away for everything (again). I tell him i'm looking forward to two weeks in nice hotels and being independant. In some ways it's nice to only have to worry and care about myself and my darling daughter.

I'm glad i'm heading into town tomorrow to stay a few nights, to get away and be with just me and Leela. Things have calmed down a bit at the family home. No one is talking about the hurt feelings and drama of a few days ago. I think our decision to try again has calmed my mother in law and ended the war somewhat. But there are still moments that are a bit uncomfortable. Then it passes and things seem ok on the surface again. i know i've said some really aweful things about my relatives. I don't feel that way at all anymore. It was so mean of me to be so spiteful to those little girls who haven't done anything but been what little girls are. I probably should not have used so many swear words and definately shouldn't have been so bitchy but in the heightened state of hormonalness, all those feelings were real and valid at that time. It was all hurt, disappointment, suffering, wondering, emotional turmoil all rolled into one and i don't feel as passionately about it now. But it probably is cause i know that tomorrow i will not be around.

I have the best friends in the world. So many have offered to put me up, take me in and help me through this, but i'm a right royal bitch during IVF. I can't put them through it, but i am so so grateful that i know i'm not alone. But I need to be on my own. If there were a mountain with a cave, i would climb up there to be in solitude. But i'll have to content myself with a hotel or two for now. I don't know where i'll stay after Monday night. Perhaps might even come back for a couple nights in hornsby (only so i don't have to rename my blog... and so i have some distraction for Leela).

So on the cusp of the next cycle, i'm feeling blue. I don't want to do this again, but i know i have to.

Amendments are always possible...

That was the title of my blog post at the end of cycle 2, the one before the cycle we had Leela with. Before Leela we were ready to pack up and move to Singapore but instead decided at the last possible moment that we would try again. We were gifted with a beautiful child. A precious treasure for us to look after. If we had moved to Singapore that many years ago, things might have been different. We would have met different people, made different friends and also been childless. I love my life right now. I'm so glad it turned out the way it did. I have to remember that everything happens for a reason.

So now history is repeating. After deciding to go home to Singapore, we have decided, at the last possible moment that we are going to do another cycle. So late are we in making the decision that we've missed the chance to freeze G's junk for the next cycle. But that means he will have to make it back here for egg collection to make his "contribution".

We agreed we'd do at least 2 rounds before coming here. Glendon has convinced me that i would regret it if i didn't and stopped half way. I think he's right. I think i would, although i would have been perfectly fine going home on Wed, i might have thought back to this later and wondered what would happened if i had stayed.

So i'm here for another 3 weeks but i'll find a place for me and Leela to stay in peace and quiet. I feel so much better having made this decision for myself and i'm completely at peace with the "others!". I don't blame them at all. I know my previous posts were very pointedly blaming them. I was angry and hormonal and pissed off completely. But i can't really blame them. It's our crappy eggs and dodgy sperm's fault. It wouldn't be fair. I own my own life and i can do whatever i want to make myself happy.

It will be fine. I've booked myself into the Sheraton on the Park for a couple nights from when G leaves, then will find another place to stay after that for the rest of the cycle. Being the princess that i am, i can't wait to luxuriate in sateen sheets, room service and cable TV. Not having to do any cooking or cleaning will be a relief so i'm treating myself to this city stay for a couple nights and then getting down to business.

So now that it's decided, where has my damn period gone!

Peed on a stick... now i do not know what to do.

I peed on a stick. I've done it twice. Last night and this morning and it is definately negative. I don't think it was too early to test. Even though our blood test isn't due til Sunday. We had tested for Leela and found out this early for her. I'm just waiting for my period to come now.

It's all so hard. I mean, i was completely happy with my decision to go home early and have one child and just be content with that. I was happy, so, so thrilled and relieved to know that i would be homeward bound in a matter of days.

But looking at that empty window on that plastic stick, i can't help but wonder if another cycle is worth it. I mean, what would be so bad. It's only 20 something injections, 4 blood tests, 3 internal ultrasounds, egg collection and transfer, 20 days from start to finish (before the waiting) and i did it alone last time. i could do it again. Definately not in hornsby but i could easily live somewhere else, just pay for it, and do another cycle quite easily.

Sure i could have just done 2 cycles in the comfort of my home in Singapore for the price i'd pay to live somewhere now for the next 20+ days. But i'm here now. I've done one and i keep remembering that Leela was a back to back cycle 2 baby. It's still not a guarantee that we would be successful and at the end of it, i would have to live like a nun and not spend any money cause it will have been spent.

But wouldn't it be worth it? I know G would like me to try again. I can see it in his eyes. While he's saying he'd love to have me home and he is happy with my decision. I can see it. He wants me to do another cycle. He would like another baby. Me, i'm not as definitive about my need for another child, but it's still hard.

I don't know what to do...

Done perhaps...

It's decided. I can not suck it up and deal with it. I can not be here and do another cycle. I can not pay to stay somewhere else for the next cycle. I am going home. I will not do another cycle and I do not know if I am pregnant.

Having this decided has made me happy. I am content. I am forgiving. I am ok with my decision. The fact that I may never have a sibling for my darling daughter is hard to take but it's ok. There was no guarantee regardless and if I had stayed and it had not worked a second time, i could have remained bitter and twisted for alot longer. Call me a wimp, spoilt and selfish. A quitter and a complainer. Whatever I may be, I still had to do what was right for me, right now.

And as I hear, outside my closed door the crying, whining children that are not my own, the parents of these children trying to calm them and pacify them, I know I have made the right decision. I can not stay here and not be angry. I can not be here without causing a huge family drama. And I love G's family. They are my own family. Loving, kind, saintly. I love them, even the inconsiderate ones who have given me a gentle push out the door.

And while I've made this decision for myself, and i am happy with my decision, I feel aweful at the same time. G's mum has been crying cause she didn't want me to go. She understands I'm sure but she is sad and it really hurts me to leave her behind to deal with 2 weeks of crying children. She told the others that I had found the situation too stressful and was leaving cause of them. And while it is true, it is also something I had to do and I don't want to have them feel guilty for it. They were selfish but I would like to think, clueless about the impact. I would have liked them to just remain clueless because their guilt makes me feel guilty too.

So it's done, perhaps. Still have to find out if I am pregnant. I would be floored if I am. I know I should wait for the blood test on Sunday but I can't and I'll go pee on a stick in a short while.

At this moment, I am just happy not to be angry and afraid of what another cycle might have done to me. I'm so, so happy to be going home to friends and family who love me. I can't wait to no longer be hormonal in Hornsby.

I'm so upset I can't stop crying. It's just too much for me right now, I've taken to hiding in my bedroom. Can't even leave the house cause I look all puffy and red. And I keep welling up and crying. I haven't even found out the result of our IVF cycle and I'm a nut case.

It's just the combo of G leaving, the probable second cycle and the invaders of my home. The little shit decided to have another screaming fit and that just sent me over the edge. The other one has been whiney all morning. I can not be here anymore! And the parents of the shitsters aren't even here and it will be worse when they are. I have to leave. I cannot be here. I thought I could deal with it but I can't. I just don't have the grace within me to deal with this elegantly. I'm a mess and if i stay, sooner or later i'll be telling the invaders just how selfish and clueless they are. They have fucked up my hopes of having another baby most definately and selfish bitch that I am, I am severely bitter and angry with them.

I know I need to take control of my situation because only i am in charge of what happens to me so please just give me a sec. I'll get there. I already know that I can only blame myself. I am so grateful for my one perfect, beautiful daughter who is so wonderful and is weathering this storm and her nutcase mum like an angel. I'll get to taking responsibility for the situation in a little bit, I promise.

Right now though, I feel sick, my head hurts, I have to get out of this house. I am hormonal and it is horrible, horrible I tell you, here in Hornsby.

My favourite word right now is FUCK...

I've just spent the better half of an hour being screamed at by a fucking little brat. Her parents are very lucky she did not end up with a hand print on her ass! I mean, seriously! SERIOUSLY! THIS is going to be my next two weeks? It's fucked, seriously fucked...

If our dodgy bastard had decided to stick, i doubt he'll stick around long cause all this is really fucked up. FUCK! When i start my next cycle, what the fuck will i do with all this going on around me. It will be a fucked up cycle, i tell you. Fucked up!

Today I decided to suck it up and mind the kids today with the help of G and his mum. All went reasonably well. Still needed to leave the house when they were sleeping, but all in all, a reasonably good day. Then at dinnertime the parents come back and it all goes to pot. Whiny, shitty, fucked up kids magically appeared (prior to this, they were actually ok to be around) and the rest of the evening is fucked up. The mother just exudes an aura of stressful energy and it's really hard to have around. Not to mention that she, in a well meaning kind of way, tries to tell me what the fuck to do and when the fuck to do it. I mean, really, i am old enough to wipe my own ass and blow my own nose. wtf.

And then she molly coddles her kids SO much it is fucked up. The kids were all sitting around and eating their dinner nicely with no help from us. In fact, they had been playing nicely all day without much supervision (like most NORMAL kids do) and she blows in and all of a sudden her two kids are like babies and need to be told how to eat, what to eat, when to eat, why to eat. and they start whining, crying, and being annoying little fuckers. It is fucked.

And after this shitty child screamed for a whole fucking hour (don't worry, i did not subject myself to this for the whole fucking hour, i told her when she stopped, i would come and talk to her and then left her in her room to scream, which she did, bellowing for close to an hour before deciding to stop at which point, i went in explained to her the situation and told her she was a silly child and had to grow up and stop acting like a brat. She agreed and went off to sleep nicely BUT she does this all the fucking time!) i really fucking do NOT want another one. i DO NOT want to procreate again because if this is the shit i'll have to deal with every day, i am NOT good with that. Not good with it at all! AND i don't want my darling daughter to pick up any of these shitty habits from these shitty kids. I will not be able to deal with it.

So stay tuned, my world is about to be fucked over for two weeks and fucking hell, i hope i get through it. Heading for the hills is starting to look really good to me right now!

I am the selfish bitch...

Tomorrow the calm and lovely place in Hornsby that I am living at while being hormonal is to be invaded for the next two weeks by the "others!".

Doesn't help that I'm 5 days away from the all telling blood test but I feel very not pregnant. And like my uterus is about to explode with the mother of all menstrual cycles.

I'm the selfish bitch who is really angry about this pending invasion and i can't seem to put it behind me! Especially because I'm thinking ahead to all the drugs, injections and everything that I'll have to go through on my own (but with the "others!" knocking about my house disturbing my R&R).

I've tried the following coping strategies.

1. Spending more time with the "others!" so I get used to them. Only allowed me find them more perculiar!

2. Offering to help cause if I put anger aside and help, I may no longer be angry. Only infuriated me more!

3. Bitch and moan to anyone who'll listen. Only makes me want to bitch about it more!

4. Staying the hell away from them. Only magnified their bizarre behavior when I did see them.

So here I am. Selfish bitch that I am. I don't think it will be THAT bad. I'll be able to laugh about it sooner or later. But right now I'm just going to be a selfish bitch and wallow in the unfairness of the situation for one more night. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up with only love in my heart and a helping hand cause I think that may be the only way I'll get through this.

Happy New Year!

Rang in the new year fast asleep and feeling like the most boring individual on the face of the planet! But I was really tired and just wanted to sleep.

Coffs Harbour is so lovely we decided to stay an extra night and spent New Years day roaming about the area with G's parents. I think G wants to buy a holiday house here, next to his parents. There's a house there with beautiful views. I suppose if IVF doesn't work, we might just be able to afford it.

I've been playing a round of "will it or won't it" which is a game that tests your knowledge of the future. Trying to predict if our dodgy bastard will stick (or won't). Even looked up all my last cycles to see when I found out and what symptoms I had. Not helpful... If it does stick, it's already got the 2nd child thing going. Expectations are so low for it already! Poor dodgy bastard...

I did read in my old blog that the other dodgy ones they have put up me were only just starting to compact. This one had already compacted (mostly). Glimmer of hope? I hate this part of IVF where you can't do anything but wait and wonder. It blows!

Feeling rather normal except for my humongous boobs and cravings for salty food and blueberries. Probly wanting salty cause I'm by the sea and blueberries cause we took a drive out to see some blueberry farms. The boobs are from my progesterone gel I have to take twice a day. Would probly have stayed longer here in Coffs if I had brought enough gel!

Happy New Years! I have no idea if 2012 will bring us a beautiful baby and the suspense is killing me...