What to do?! And here come the tears...

I decided i'd ask Dr D if i could even do another cycle after this one. Since i'm now doing two cycles back to back I thought perhaps i would need to give my poor ovaries a break. So to help me out in deciding to stay or go home, i thought i'd just check with the doc and see.

If i need a break, it would be easy. Like a sign. It's not meant to be, just go home. If i could just do another cycle right away, then i'd have to decide if i am willing to go again and if it'd be worth it. Dr D said we would need to see what my hormone levels were at the end in order to decide if we can do another cycle.

Does she not understand that i have a life to get back to!? I really can't do this indefinate existence much longer! If i don't do another cycle, i can go home in two weeks, the thought of which makes me so happy and sad too because if i'm home in two weeks and not pregnant, then i will never have another child. Which, by the way, i was perfectly fine with before we started this cycle but now, i think i would feel rather sad. Just a little bit.

What to do... What to do?! If i wait for another cycle, i'll have to wait for the 2nd week in Feb to even see if i can do another cycle. And then i won't be home until mid March and that is a third of the year gone! I'm horrified that i could be here that long... And here come the tears...

But it's terribly silly of me to be crying about this at this point. Who's to know if this will work or not. It's just the thought of potentially being here FOREVER and still perhaps ending up with nothing but an empty bank account.

Life here is not so bad. It's actually rather enjoyable. I'm visiting friends, chilling out, doing lots of shopping, eating great food. It's not bad. It's the living a life in limbo that's bad. Constantly running over in your mind what to do if... or what to do when... only to realise there is no point thinking of anything because i have no idea what the future holds.

I've got two days before my next BT and U/s and i hate the days in between because i feel even more in limbo without anything to do and i feel useless and powerless to help my egg grow bigger and stronger and better. And then you wonder when collection will be and you wish it could be sooner and the hormones are running rampant and it's just aweful and emotional and your body feels beat up and bruised and bullied from the inside and out. And it's hard because it's just me now. No one to help me run after the little miss, who really is a beautiful child, but always on the go when all i want to do is sit and feel sorry for myself and wonder what to do.

Suck it up! That's what i tell my darling daughter when she squawks about something inconsequential. Suck it up... It will be ok.