With the love of my life safely home in Singapore and me in Sydney on the eve of transfer, i'm starting to feel nervous about what we had decided about our eggs and what we would squirt up. I'm probably just nervous in general cause it means the end of this ordeal. Possibly the end of this entire attempt at procreating a second time. Or the beginning of something that is going to change our lives forever.
So back to the transfer tomorrow. What if, WHAT IF, we have 2 decent blastocysts (even that is being optimistic cause really, we've only had 1 good one). The plan was to chuck them both up. But what if... WHAT IF, they both stuck. I know it's a long shot but twins? TWINS?! I would not cope.
Then if we decided to stick one up and let the other one get vitrified, and the first didn't stick. The success defrost rate is only 60-70%. And even then it doesn't mean that the frozen one will stick. It also means another trip back to Sydney for a month, at the end of which, if the poor frozen bugger doesn't survive the defrost, then it's just more money thrown in the bin. I would not cope...
So then back to having two squirted up! WTF...
I know i should just wait and see what we have tomorrow, but i can't help myself. I keep running these scenarios in my head. Even having any to freeze is such a foreign, freaky thought to me. But just that what if is driving me bonkers.
And i'll have to go it alone at the clinic, the stirrups, speculum, squirt, everything. Still, it's better than having someone else there (other than G). I've had so many loving offers of people wanting to come with me and hold my hand, but right now, i hate that thought. Tomorrow, i might wish i had taken someone up on that offer. But now, the idea of having another person by my side to discuss the eggs, how many, what to do. Not to mention that you really don't want just anybody by your side when you're spread eagle in the chair and the doc is doing her thing down below. Gross!
Anyways, i think i'll try and sleep on it. Try and not think about it and hope tomorrow is a beautiful day.
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