Feeling a bit blue because tomorrow is our last blood test which will tell us for sure how this cycle has ended up. I know what's to come. I've done 3 early pregnancy tests and all were negative so i'm sure the blood test will be too. I'm just now mulling over when my period will get here and when the next cycle will start and feeling rather down about it all. Praying that dodgy bastard isn't stuck in there somewhere, failing and delaying the next cycle. Wondering if, by some miracle, 3 test could be wrong and i could be pregnant. In my head, i know i shouldn't be, but in my heart, i hope that i could be. So i'm feeling blue.

It's not fair that the Crinone gel i take can have the same side effects as early pregnancy. It's such a mental game of continual wondering, i'm just exhausted and feeling a touch sad. Not really cause the cycle has been unsuccessful. I'm more down in the dumps that i have to do this all over again. G hops on a plane tomorrow and will be away for everything (again). I tell him i'm looking forward to two weeks in nice hotels and being independant. In some ways it's nice to only have to worry and care about myself and my darling daughter.

I'm glad i'm heading into town tomorrow to stay a few nights, to get away and be with just me and Leela. Things have calmed down a bit at the family home. No one is talking about the hurt feelings and drama of a few days ago. I think our decision to try again has calmed my mother in law and ended the war somewhat. But there are still moments that are a bit uncomfortable. Then it passes and things seem ok on the surface again. i know i've said some really aweful things about my relatives. I don't feel that way at all anymore. It was so mean of me to be so spiteful to those little girls who haven't done anything but been what little girls are. I probably should not have used so many swear words and definately shouldn't have been so bitchy but in the heightened state of hormonalness, all those feelings were real and valid at that time. It was all hurt, disappointment, suffering, wondering, emotional turmoil all rolled into one and i don't feel as passionately about it now. But it probably is cause i know that tomorrow i will not be around.

I have the best friends in the world. So many have offered to put me up, take me in and help me through this, but i'm a right royal bitch during IVF. I can't put them through it, but i am so so grateful that i know i'm not alone. But I need to be on my own. If there were a mountain with a cave, i would climb up there to be in solitude. But i'll have to content myself with a hotel or two for now. I don't know where i'll stay after Monday night. Perhaps might even come back for a couple nights in hornsby (only so i don't have to rename my blog... and so i have some distraction for Leela).

So on the cusp of the next cycle, i'm feeling blue. I don't want to do this again, but i know i have to.