I'm starting to wonder if this cycle is not successful, if i'd be driven to stay here and continue doing this until we are successful. The thought of it blows my mind... All the energy, pain, emotion put into it and at the end, nothing... We knew this would always be a very real possibility. We said it would be ok, that at least we tried. And now we have already spent a small fortune in the process. Close to $15k now (I think my Italy fund may well and truly be gone.)
But could i walk away. Or would i become one of those veteran women who keep going, determined and never giving up until there is success. I know someone who's done 20 before having a baby girl. Even i, who is not sure at times if i want to go back to the night feeds and dirty nappies, even i had a moment today when i thought. Holy shit, if this doesn't work, could i and should i try again. And again, and again, and again.
God forbid that i will, though why did we even start this endeavor if the end goal was not to have a baby. Why would we stop if that was what we really wanted? When we discussed this, our end goal was only just to try. Just to try and say we tried. But what a ridiculous notion! That trying was all that we asked of ourselves. How could we do this and think we would be ok without another child. I can't believe we could be so naive! I should just get a job here and stay and keep trying! But i so miss my fabulous life in Singapore.
Blood test results were "good" but who really knows what that means. The nurse just said i was responding to the drugs, told me to start the 2nd injection on Sunday and come back for a blood test and ultrasound on Tuesday. They don't care. No matter what Genea and Dr D say in their marketing, how they will be with you every step of the way and care about the outcome. They don't. I'm just a number, one of the many who foot their bills and keep the staff paid. How can you put a price on procreation. It's impossible! But they have and it's $8,870.00 per cycle. After the government pays me back, the cost is only $3,355.75. It's cheap to create a life in this country. Cheap as chips! And gets cheaper after the first cycle of 2012. Subsequent cycles would only cost $2,805.30. So why wouldn't I keep going?
I must be getting comfortable here in my apartment. Just me and Leela bouncing around in a 2 bedder with everything we need just around the corner. I'll have to remember these days forever. I may never have another opportunity to spend so much time with my baby girl. A sweeter child has not existed before and I love her. The 3 cycles we did to have her were totally worth it. Every penny. I could never, ever repay Genea and Dr D for helping me have my precious child.
So if we tried 2 cycles and had nothing. What would we do. The answer was clear a week ago. Pack up and head home with joy! But now that this strange thought is in my head, that another cycle might not be successful, even though I knew before starting that it might not be. And i was sure that i could be happy with any outcome. Now that the thought of having nothing to show for all this anguish has embedded itself in my brain. What the hell do I do now!?
No comments:
Post a Comment