Done perhaps...

It's decided. I can not suck it up and deal with it. I can not be here and do another cycle. I can not pay to stay somewhere else for the next cycle. I am going home. I will not do another cycle and I do not know if I am pregnant.

Having this decided has made me happy. I am content. I am forgiving. I am ok with my decision. The fact that I may never have a sibling for my darling daughter is hard to take but it's ok. There was no guarantee regardless and if I had stayed and it had not worked a second time, i could have remained bitter and twisted for alot longer. Call me a wimp, spoilt and selfish. A quitter and a complainer. Whatever I may be, I still had to do what was right for me, right now.

And as I hear, outside my closed door the crying, whining children that are not my own, the parents of these children trying to calm them and pacify them, I know I have made the right decision. I can not stay here and not be angry. I can not be here without causing a huge family drama. And I love G's family. They are my own family. Loving, kind, saintly. I love them, even the inconsiderate ones who have given me a gentle push out the door.

And while I've made this decision for myself, and i am happy with my decision, I feel aweful at the same time. G's mum has been crying cause she didn't want me to go. She understands I'm sure but she is sad and it really hurts me to leave her behind to deal with 2 weeks of crying children. She told the others that I had found the situation too stressful and was leaving cause of them. And while it is true, it is also something I had to do and I don't want to have them feel guilty for it. They were selfish but I would like to think, clueless about the impact. I would have liked them to just remain clueless because their guilt makes me feel guilty too.

So it's done, perhaps. Still have to find out if I am pregnant. I would be floored if I am. I know I should wait for the blood test on Sunday but I can't and I'll go pee on a stick in a short while.

At this moment, I am just happy not to be angry and afraid of what another cycle might have done to me. I'm so, so happy to be going home to friends and family who love me. I can't wait to no longer be hormonal in Hornsby.