Nobody panic! I am not pregnant. My menstrual cycle has come and gone and all is well. I've only just been too busy to say anything about it. Probly a good thing. Nobody wants to hear about another body's bloody discharge. Ick Ew!
I can't believe it's almost the end of a year! If someone had told me that all would have transpired as it had, I probably would not have wanted to do 2012 at all! But here we are, at the doorstep of 2013 and I have survived. Though battered and bruised emotionally and physically poked and prodded far more than any poor bitch should be. I have still survived.
Things are not the same. I don't even think I can articulate where I'm at right now. Joy seems like a hard thing for me to find at the moment. Peace perhaps also alludes me. Though I am well and mostly happy, this year has been terribly unkind to me and it is with relief that it is ending.
2013 is going to be my year to find all the sweet spots lurking around me. Now. Can I pop the champagne early!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The bitching season
A little over 5 weeks has passed since I had the poor little thing scraped and sucked unceremoniously out of me. 5 weeks on - which means, of course, I am massively premenstrual. Anywhere between 3 to 6 weeks they say, before you get your next period. 3 to 6 weeks, and it has flown by - me, being to busy to notice that we are just about up to 6 weeks with no sign of my period. But there are signs. It's the bitching season! Don't cross me or you'll hear about. Slight agoraphobic tendencies come to the fore which is probably better for all involved seeing as it is the bitching season.
Thank goodness I've been too terribly busy to notice the passing of time or I might have begun my slight paranoia of accidentally getting pregnant again earlier. How... HOW could we be so irresponsible as to have unprotected sex again, you ask!? And it is true, we have been. Idiots. We're idiots. This minor bump in our lives had set us back thousands and it might only be next year before we're back on track. And still we play a game of roulette each time we do the deed. I really don't think love of my life thinks we could have another oopsie. Either that or he doesn't care cause i ask about protection and he just shrugs and what the hell, in the heat of the moment, there really is no way we'd stop. Total morons. That is exactly what we are.
So almost 6 weeks and ready to bleed away again. Just waiting, relishing the bitching season which had been absent since September. The irrational annoyance I feel at ALL things. The bloated belly and need to yell at people for any small thing. Interesting that it's almost a year to the anniversary that i flew off to Hornsby, starting this dramatic saga. It's been a crappy year. But maybe that's just the bitching season talking... Maybe, but I don't think so.
Thank goodness I've been too terribly busy to notice the passing of time or I might have begun my slight paranoia of accidentally getting pregnant again earlier. How... HOW could we be so irresponsible as to have unprotected sex again, you ask!? And it is true, we have been. Idiots. We're idiots. This minor bump in our lives had set us back thousands and it might only be next year before we're back on track. And still we play a game of roulette each time we do the deed. I really don't think love of my life thinks we could have another oopsie. Either that or he doesn't care cause i ask about protection and he just shrugs and what the hell, in the heat of the moment, there really is no way we'd stop. Total morons. That is exactly what we are.
So almost 6 weeks and ready to bleed away again. Just waiting, relishing the bitching season which had been absent since September. The irrational annoyance I feel at ALL things. The bloated belly and need to yell at people for any small thing. Interesting that it's almost a year to the anniversary that i flew off to Hornsby, starting this dramatic saga. It's been a crappy year. But maybe that's just the bitching season talking... Maybe, but I don't think so.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Shitty, lucky, luck
I'm feeling shitty right now. Shitty about my shitty, lucky, luck.
This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.
We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!
Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.
But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!
Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.
It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.
Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!
So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.
But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.
And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.
Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.
This week has seen the love of my life jetting off to Sydney for an AGM and me, on my own here in Singapore.
We bought a car last week. A zippy little VW polo which was my love and joy for the week. Until... Got in the car Thurs morning, started it up, got the tunes pumping. Foot to the pedal and nothing. Would not go. My little toy would not move!
Eventually had to get it towed. As it's heading out my front gate, it gets struck by the boom bar and scratched. Why! What is going on! The car has only been a Manners for only a week and already it's luck had run out.
But! Lucky that it didn't happen in the middle of nowhere and lucky that I can borrow my parents car while they are out of town. Lucky that we got an extra years warranty on it. But it's still shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck!
Which brings me to the genetic results of the baby that was inside me not too long ago.
It was a girl. THAT fact probably upset me more than anything else. That I could have had another beautiful baby girl. But then, not really. It was never going to be. For the sake of an extra chromosome 14, the little thing would have never survived. It was flawed and could not have lived despite how hard we tried.
Doc said we could get blood tests done to see if either of us carry some dodgy DNA which could help us know if we could try again. But seriously! All the dodgy bastard blastocysts we've produced. I think we'll just find out that the combination of our genetics is not favorable for procreating. And hello! We already knew that!
So we were lucky that it was a genetic flaw and not something we could have saved. Lucky that it did not make it cause we couldn't afford it. And lucky because having gone through this, we have gotten another clue about our infertility.
But now we have to worry about contraception. Having to go through this again scares the crap out of me. I would not survive. WE would not survive. Even now, i feel resentful about being left for dead that Fri night and have become crazy, bitchy wife who is trying to protect myself by not giving a damn if he's around or not. Not too healthy for a relationship! But I can't seem to shake that anger. I am shitty, but we are lucky that we are - hopefully - stronger than this.
And don't get me started on our sex life! Cause, thinking we were completely sterile had its perks.
Its just shitty. Shitty, lucky, luck.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Cannot sleep
Can't sleep at 1am so i'm up and it's been a while since i've updated so why not.
A flurry of activity has occurred and we found ourselves yesterday paying a deposit on a car AND the place we will be renting from the 31st of Dec. Very expensive day. Very, very expensive. Leaving me around $30 in my savings account and an excited yet sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps we may be over compensating for our loss by buying a car! And trust me, here in Singapore, cars ain't cheap. Paying $80k for a 2 year old VW Golf sounds absolutely ridiculous! But that's what we've done. Well, hope to do, just waiting for the financial approval.
Wish i'd gone to sleep post coital, in that happy haze where everything is wonderful and everyone is relaxed and loved up. But nope! What were we thinking, my love and i, to stay up, only to get into issues that are deep and disturbing about our relationship and where it has gone or may be going. Not a good idea at all. Decided, after much discussion to call a truce, ignore our issues and get back to it another day.
Earlier today, we were discussing our lack of procreative prowess and love of my life has come up with an interesting theory. Perhaps my womb is inhospitable to things that have more of my own DNA rather than more of his DNA. The only reason my beautiful little star survived my womb was because her DNA is more like his. Though looking at her, you have to wonder who she is more like. Him or me. Though her body shape is definately his, i often feel like she is as much of a mini me as she can be.
Next doctors appointment, coming up on Tuesday, should be nicely revealing. Why did the poor thing fail inside me? Knowing it has to be genetics. But what if it comes back genetically sound. Does that open any doors to trying for another one?
For the first time this weekend, my darling daughter has asked for an older sister so that she would have someone to play with. I told her she would never have an older sister and having a younger one would mean years of pooping and crying before the play even started. She was fine with that but thankfully gave up the topic to watch Surviver with us on telly.
Either way, the search for a reliable means of contraception is on. I can not take pills. They make me psycho (more so than normal - it is NOT a pretty sight). He will not be snipped. God forbid anyone touches his precious boys - hell to pay! And i really, really can not go through this again so the time of unfettered sex is over. Though i did swear at him this weekend because we have not taken any precautions yet and i did a google and found out that a woman may ovulate anytime between 2-6 weeks after a D&C. We're just on 2 weeks and i swear, if there's another oopsie, i'm just going to loose it and will neuter him myself if i have to!
So another week is about to start. And now that we've finished most of the major things we had to do, i think i'll need to find other things to occupy myself with.
A flurry of activity has occurred and we found ourselves yesterday paying a deposit on a car AND the place we will be renting from the 31st of Dec. Very expensive day. Very, very expensive. Leaving me around $30 in my savings account and an excited yet sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps we may be over compensating for our loss by buying a car! And trust me, here in Singapore, cars ain't cheap. Paying $80k for a 2 year old VW Golf sounds absolutely ridiculous! But that's what we've done. Well, hope to do, just waiting for the financial approval.
Wish i'd gone to sleep post coital, in that happy haze where everything is wonderful and everyone is relaxed and loved up. But nope! What were we thinking, my love and i, to stay up, only to get into issues that are deep and disturbing about our relationship and where it has gone or may be going. Not a good idea at all. Decided, after much discussion to call a truce, ignore our issues and get back to it another day.
Earlier today, we were discussing our lack of procreative prowess and love of my life has come up with an interesting theory. Perhaps my womb is inhospitable to things that have more of my own DNA rather than more of his DNA. The only reason my beautiful little star survived my womb was because her DNA is more like his. Though looking at her, you have to wonder who she is more like. Him or me. Though her body shape is definately his, i often feel like she is as much of a mini me as she can be.
Next doctors appointment, coming up on Tuesday, should be nicely revealing. Why did the poor thing fail inside me? Knowing it has to be genetics. But what if it comes back genetically sound. Does that open any doors to trying for another one?
For the first time this weekend, my darling daughter has asked for an older sister so that she would have someone to play with. I told her she would never have an older sister and having a younger one would mean years of pooping and crying before the play even started. She was fine with that but thankfully gave up the topic to watch Surviver with us on telly.
Either way, the search for a reliable means of contraception is on. I can not take pills. They make me psycho (more so than normal - it is NOT a pretty sight). He will not be snipped. God forbid anyone touches his precious boys - hell to pay! And i really, really can not go through this again so the time of unfettered sex is over. Though i did swear at him this weekend because we have not taken any precautions yet and i did a google and found out that a woman may ovulate anytime between 2-6 weeks after a D&C. We're just on 2 weeks and i swear, if there's another oopsie, i'm just going to loose it and will neuter him myself if i have to!
So another week is about to start. And now that we've finished most of the major things we had to do, i think i'll need to find other things to occupy myself with.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Bounced
I think I've bounced back now. Bounced anyways, all around the East Coast looking at apartments... And they are all crappy. Major breakdown on Tuesday night about the crappiness of our choices and feeling trapped by all the crap going on right now. But Wednesday came around, another day of looking at crap only to realize that our situation is fine. Sure, we cant afford anything fancy but considering that we are in the top .33% of all life on this planet, we should be pretty grateful we aren't stuck in a slum in Bangladesh. Just need to be realistic and happy with what we have.
So back to the one we had picked on Sunday and if the owner accepts our terms, we'll be moving to a place that has no pool, no playground, no tennis court, no balcony AND no oven or hot water in the kitchen! How fabulous! But for the same price as we would pay to stay where we are, we will be getting 25% more space. Which also means we'll be able to get a car and live a little.
Ran into a school mum today who accidentally got pregnant and is delivering in March. She is horrified at the cost of having the baby and it was a gentle reminder to myself that we would be righteously screwed financially if the pregnancy had continued. And ironic as it is, perhaps it has all transpired for a reason. (Though the $6k total we spent on this misadventure pisses me off now and again.)
So back to the one we had picked on Sunday and if the owner accepts our terms, we'll be moving to a place that has no pool, no playground, no tennis court, no balcony AND no oven or hot water in the kitchen! How fabulous! But for the same price as we would pay to stay where we are, we will be getting 25% more space. Which also means we'll be able to get a car and live a little.
Ran into a school mum today who accidentally got pregnant and is delivering in March. She is horrified at the cost of having the baby and it was a gentle reminder to myself that we would be righteously screwed financially if the pregnancy had continued. And ironic as it is, perhaps it has all transpired for a reason. (Though the $6k total we spent on this misadventure pisses me off now and again.)
Monday, October 22, 2012
She-Ra
Well, what do you know. I survived. I made it through the surgery brilliantly and now i actually feel almost 100%. A couple tummy aches but nothing worse than a bad period. I haven't even looked at the codeine laced paracetamol that they gave me - of course, taking that would have horribly uncomfortable consequences anyways (tends to constipate me so badly, i think i'm going to shit diamonds). I feel awesome! Like She-Ra, the Princess of Power, the most powerful woman in the universe, carrying my magic sword and ready to take on anything. i swear i'm not on any drugs to make me feel this way, but maybe the 1/2 dozen choc chip cookies may have something to do with it.
Yesterday was pretty chilled. We went into the hospital and had a brief discussion with the doctor. Almost decided at the last minute to have my tubes tied while i was under but was talked out of it by the glam doc who is annoyingly optimistic about our ability to procreate. I had gotten the idea that it would be just a very easy, peasy snip, snip and wa-lah, no need to worry about contraception anymore. And if it had been that easily, i probably would have said to just do it.
Darling husband said, cool, let's just do it. I don't think he's relishing the idea of never having sex again. Though he has absolutely put his foot down about himself getting the snip. What a wimp. He was pulling up stats and studies about chronic penile pain associated with it. Well, if he just wants to be celebit, then so be it!
Later he said he would have stopped me if i had insisted after finding out it was another procedure all together. Glam doc said she was not expecting us to ask for this at all. Rather surprised, she asked why we would want to seeing as we want another child. (And i'm thinking in my head, there is no way in hell i want to go through this again.) But she seems to think we are entirely capable of procreating again naturally and easily even though i've told her numerous times how screwed up we are in this regard. She seems like she's a bit on a mission to get us to try again but i'm not having it. I just can't do it. I know our genetics are fucked and i know the kariotyping will confirm it.
So on i go. Will just stay as busy as possible so i don't have to think about all that has happened. I'm sure burying everything under a guise of activity will make it all fade away like it never happened. Hell, it's worked for me so many times before, i'm sure it will work for me again. Right now the project on hand is to find a new place to live. I've been diligently calling dodgy real estate agents and setting up appointments. I think we know where we're going already, having just about made a decision this last weekend to move across the street. But just to appease myself, and of course, to give myself something to do that seems important, i'll go have a look at a few more.
So here's to on with life!
I'm sure everything will come back to bite me in the ass eventually...
Yesterday was pretty chilled. We went into the hospital and had a brief discussion with the doctor. Almost decided at the last minute to have my tubes tied while i was under but was talked out of it by the glam doc who is annoyingly optimistic about our ability to procreate. I had gotten the idea that it would be just a very easy, peasy snip, snip and wa-lah, no need to worry about contraception anymore. And if it had been that easily, i probably would have said to just do it.
Darling husband said, cool, let's just do it. I don't think he's relishing the idea of never having sex again. Though he has absolutely put his foot down about himself getting the snip. What a wimp. He was pulling up stats and studies about chronic penile pain associated with it. Well, if he just wants to be celebit, then so be it!
Later he said he would have stopped me if i had insisted after finding out it was another procedure all together. Glam doc said she was not expecting us to ask for this at all. Rather surprised, she asked why we would want to seeing as we want another child. (And i'm thinking in my head, there is no way in hell i want to go through this again.) But she seems to think we are entirely capable of procreating again naturally and easily even though i've told her numerous times how screwed up we are in this regard. She seems like she's a bit on a mission to get us to try again but i'm not having it. I just can't do it. I know our genetics are fucked and i know the kariotyping will confirm it.
So on i go. Will just stay as busy as possible so i don't have to think about all that has happened. I'm sure burying everything under a guise of activity will make it all fade away like it never happened. Hell, it's worked for me so many times before, i'm sure it will work for me again. Right now the project on hand is to find a new place to live. I've been diligently calling dodgy real estate agents and setting up appointments. I think we know where we're going already, having just about made a decision this last weekend to move across the street. But just to appease myself, and of course, to give myself something to do that seems important, i'll go have a look at a few more.
So here's to on with life!
I'm sure everything will come back to bite me in the ass eventually...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
ironic
First song i've heard today is the classic Alanis Morrisette "Ironic". To which me and my darling daughter sang along to all the way to school. I actually think i could write a whole nother chorus to that song based on what is going on now.
Next, I get a text message. It's a reminder for my 12 week nuchal ultrasound that was scheduled a couple weeks ago. (Note to self: remind glam doc to cancel that scan)
Then an alert pops up on my phone. The tone is like the glory of god and it's my iperiod app reminding me that it's green week! That means i'm supposed to be fertile this week and ready to conceive. (Another note: delete the app or at least the reminder function in it)
One must really have a chuckle about all this. Someone out there has a very sick sense of humour and i might as well laugh along or risk going stark raving insane.
It is a little too ironic. I really do think.
Next, I get a text message. It's a reminder for my 12 week nuchal ultrasound that was scheduled a couple weeks ago. (Note to self: remind glam doc to cancel that scan)
Then an alert pops up on my phone. The tone is like the glory of god and it's my iperiod app reminding me that it's green week! That means i'm supposed to be fertile this week and ready to conceive. (Another note: delete the app or at least the reminder function in it)
One must really have a chuckle about all this. Someone out there has a very sick sense of humour and i might as well laugh along or risk going stark raving insane.
It is a little too ironic. I really do think.
Inappropriate
Would it be completely inappropriate of us to have a "We're not having a baby party"? Wouldn't it help make this feel far less horrible and depressing? We could decorate the walls with stats on our infertility and serve up non-virgin cocktails and devilled eggs. Not too sure what music we could play. I mean, i haven't really seen a playlist that has songs like "Hooray, you'll never have another baby" or "Oops, we did it again (failed to procreate remix)".
Maybe the classic Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart" would suffice because the chorus is pretty relevant to what is going on here. Besides, we had been Living on a Prayer these last few weeks. And just maybe.... Maybe if we hold on to what we've got. It won't make a difference if we have one or not. We got each other. And that's alot for love. We'll make it, i swear!
I can't wait to have the surgery done with tomorrow. To get the poor little thing out of me and get on with life although this morning i got up in a panic attack thinking about what would happen to my darling husband and beautiful child if i should die on the operating table and leave them to their own devices.
The reason this morbid thought had crossed my mind was the fact that i bled terribly after giving birth to my precious only child, thought i could have died but survived needing a blood transfusion to put me back in order. I know a D&C is not exactly like a birth but still, morbid thought that it was, it got me out of bed and i set about getting my affairs in order. Paying bills, recording passwords for my husband, doing laundry (because god forbid that hubby has no clothes to wear!). I was going to make videos telling my darling daughter how special and loved she was. And one for the love of my life thanking him for being the most wonderful man that i know.
The moment of panic has now passed and I have mostly convinced myself that this simple procedure could not be the end of me and i will probably live to see my child grow up and also live to grow old with this man of my dreams whom i have been with since i was 16. (Though if the unthinkable would happen, i at least know that this wonderful man would be able to raise my beautiful child and they would be just fine in the end.)
So here's hoping that by tomorrow evening, this ordeal will be over and life can return to its pre "Holy Fuck, how the hell did we get pregnant!?" glory. I think that might be something worth celebrating.
Maybe the classic Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart" would suffice because the chorus is pretty relevant to what is going on here. Besides, we had been Living on a Prayer these last few weeks. And just maybe.... Maybe if we hold on to what we've got. It won't make a difference if we have one or not. We got each other. And that's alot for love. We'll make it, i swear!
I can't wait to have the surgery done with tomorrow. To get the poor little thing out of me and get on with life although this morning i got up in a panic attack thinking about what would happen to my darling husband and beautiful child if i should die on the operating table and leave them to their own devices.
The reason this morbid thought had crossed my mind was the fact that i bled terribly after giving birth to my precious only child, thought i could have died but survived needing a blood transfusion to put me back in order. I know a D&C is not exactly like a birth but still, morbid thought that it was, it got me out of bed and i set about getting my affairs in order. Paying bills, recording passwords for my husband, doing laundry (because god forbid that hubby has no clothes to wear!). I was going to make videos telling my darling daughter how special and loved she was. And one for the love of my life thanking him for being the most wonderful man that i know.
The moment of panic has now passed and I have mostly convinced myself that this simple procedure could not be the end of me and i will probably live to see my child grow up and also live to grow old with this man of my dreams whom i have been with since i was 16. (Though if the unthinkable would happen, i at least know that this wonderful man would be able to raise my beautiful child and they would be just fine in the end.)
So here's hoping that by tomorrow evening, this ordeal will be over and life can return to its pre "Holy Fuck, how the hell did we get pregnant!?" glory. I think that might be something worth celebrating.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Grateful
Today i was grateful. Ever so grateful because i have my one beautiful angel that i have been blessed with. The sweetest thing that could exist on this planet is my child and i do not know how i could love anything more. She is my little star. And a constant reminder that everything is ok because for her, nothing has gone wrong and everything is as it should be.
Darling husband has stumbled in tonight at 12.30am, stinking of alcohol and after a day of absolute silence on his part. I was already asleep when he came in. I'm used to not hearing from him in a day. I know it usually means he has had a bitch of a day and too busy to stop for anything. I'm used to not counting on him to care. Not expecting him to show up or let me know what is going on. The fact that he made it to every scan but the first one was always a surprise to me.
But really, tonight, did he have to wake me and then fall soundly asleep, snoring, keeping me wide awake to stew over his indifference. Remembering that first miscarriage where i felt so alone, trapped by circumstance, unable to escape and consumed by sadness and anger. Wondering if it would end us because he was so silent and i was so hurt. Though it does make this time around feel far less desperate. I am infuriated that he could sleep while i am up and pissed that he couldn't even bother to tell me when he'd be back or how long he'd be. Pissed that he couldn't even check if his wife was ok and not bleeding in an alley somewhere. Perhaps i should be flattered that he believes that i am made of such strong stuff that i wouldn't need him to touch base with me in a day. And i guess the fact that i don't proves just what i'm made of. I've already sorted out my procedure on Monday. i don't even need him to turn up. I'm just wondering if he would even stir if i bitch slapped him in his sleep right now.
Sometimes i wonder if i could have felt the moment the little thing gave up. The moment its heart stopped. The moment it died inside me (if death is even the word for it). I think about it but i can't find that significant moment. It just disappeared quietly and went away completely unnoticed sometime over the last 2 weeks. We'll be paying $800 for genetic testing to see what had gone wrong. i'm pretty sure that they will just find that it was made of dodgy genetic material and always doomed to fail. I think that the drugs i was taking to "support" the pregnancy was only prolonging its certain demise. Still it is better to know for sure. The doctor said it could help us solve the mystery about our failed ivf cycles or give us clues to help us try again (which i think is a horrible, horrible idea). Fact: We produce dodgy bastards. But hell, for $800, let's see if we can get us a certificate or something to make it official.
Which brings me back to being grateful. Because for all the dodgy bastards we've produced in our journey over the years, we have also somehow produced my perfect and beautiful little star.
Darling husband has stumbled in tonight at 12.30am, stinking of alcohol and after a day of absolute silence on his part. I was already asleep when he came in. I'm used to not hearing from him in a day. I know it usually means he has had a bitch of a day and too busy to stop for anything. I'm used to not counting on him to care. Not expecting him to show up or let me know what is going on. The fact that he made it to every scan but the first one was always a surprise to me.
But really, tonight, did he have to wake me and then fall soundly asleep, snoring, keeping me wide awake to stew over his indifference. Remembering that first miscarriage where i felt so alone, trapped by circumstance, unable to escape and consumed by sadness and anger. Wondering if it would end us because he was so silent and i was so hurt. Though it does make this time around feel far less desperate. I am infuriated that he could sleep while i am up and pissed that he couldn't even bother to tell me when he'd be back or how long he'd be. Pissed that he couldn't even check if his wife was ok and not bleeding in an alley somewhere. Perhaps i should be flattered that he believes that i am made of such strong stuff that i wouldn't need him to touch base with me in a day. And i guess the fact that i don't proves just what i'm made of. I've already sorted out my procedure on Monday. i don't even need him to turn up. I'm just wondering if he would even stir if i bitch slapped him in his sleep right now.
Sometimes i wonder if i could have felt the moment the little thing gave up. The moment its heart stopped. The moment it died inside me (if death is even the word for it). I think about it but i can't find that significant moment. It just disappeared quietly and went away completely unnoticed sometime over the last 2 weeks. We'll be paying $800 for genetic testing to see what had gone wrong. i'm pretty sure that they will just find that it was made of dodgy genetic material and always doomed to fail. I think that the drugs i was taking to "support" the pregnancy was only prolonging its certain demise. Still it is better to know for sure. The doctor said it could help us solve the mystery about our failed ivf cycles or give us clues to help us try again (which i think is a horrible, horrible idea). Fact: We produce dodgy bastards. But hell, for $800, let's see if we can get us a certificate or something to make it official.
Which brings me back to being grateful. Because for all the dodgy bastards we've produced in our journey over the years, we have also somehow produced my perfect and beautiful little star.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Not meant to be...
How quickly things go back to "normal". Yesterday, i was pregnant (sort of). Today, i am not.
It was the first scan where i was probly more than 50% optimistic to see how the little thing had grown and it came up with no heartbeat. It had given up somewhere between wk 8 and now.
On the table, looking, i almost wanted to laugh. Yes, of course this would be our luck. This would be exactly what would happen. We half knew it was doomed in our hearts. I had just told a friend the day before that we haven't even begun to be excited about it. I had even told darling husband in the waiting room prior that his lack of enthusiasm was bringing me down and i couldn't get happy about it until he did. Thank goodness one of us was level headed enough not to get caught up with it all.
So it's over. And sad as i am, i'm not utterly shocked or devastated. Some things are just not meant to be for some people. Though i am wondering what the point of all of these last few weeks were. Perhaps someone out there just wanted to see what we would do and screw around with our minds just a little bit more. Or maybe, it had to come to this for me to be 100% sure that we will never have another child. Or maybe a 1% chance that we should keep trying because us getting knocked up this time was inconceivable anyways (OH MY GOD, NO!).
So now we wait til Monday for what has been diagnosed as an inevitable abortion (totally halarious, the idea that i'm having an abortion!) and the evacuation of my uterus of this unfortunate "medical condition" which we had taken to calling it.
Today was back to normal. Even any feelings of pregnancy symptoms had disappeared and i felt back to myself again, physically. Pity that the big belly is actually pure fat - i'm going to have to do something about that now. And i made myself coffee in the morning and savoured every sip.
I've shed a few tears, mostly when well-meaning friends and family decide to use their "sad" voices and their "pity" faces when they ask me how i'm doing or say they are sorry. I know there is nothing else to say about it and most people just have to say it. I would be doing the same. But it seems harder to bear their disappointment than my own. It's not that i don't care. I care alot and i feel it too at times. But what is the use of wallowing in this for any amount of time when it was just not meant to be.
This is nothing like my first "incident" when the aftermath was like the year of the bitch from hell. The pain and grief was almost too much and the outcome of it was like turning my heart to stone.
But this... this is more like a wasted few weeks and wasted dollars and damn, it's unfortunate, but after all the disappointments and heartache we've had in this arena, what did we expect. Right now i'm feeling more pissed about the $4,000 for the evacuation of my uterus and the $2,000 for the other useless drugs and doctors visits we've had to endure.
Thinking about it now, it just serves me right for reading smutty novels and having sex wantonly. One thing is for sure. I'm never having intercourse again!
It was the first scan where i was probly more than 50% optimistic to see how the little thing had grown and it came up with no heartbeat. It had given up somewhere between wk 8 and now.
On the table, looking, i almost wanted to laugh. Yes, of course this would be our luck. This would be exactly what would happen. We half knew it was doomed in our hearts. I had just told a friend the day before that we haven't even begun to be excited about it. I had even told darling husband in the waiting room prior that his lack of enthusiasm was bringing me down and i couldn't get happy about it until he did. Thank goodness one of us was level headed enough not to get caught up with it all.
So it's over. And sad as i am, i'm not utterly shocked or devastated. Some things are just not meant to be for some people. Though i am wondering what the point of all of these last few weeks were. Perhaps someone out there just wanted to see what we would do and screw around with our minds just a little bit more. Or maybe, it had to come to this for me to be 100% sure that we will never have another child. Or maybe a 1% chance that we should keep trying because us getting knocked up this time was inconceivable anyways (OH MY GOD, NO!).
So now we wait til Monday for what has been diagnosed as an inevitable abortion (totally halarious, the idea that i'm having an abortion!) and the evacuation of my uterus of this unfortunate "medical condition" which we had taken to calling it.
Today was back to normal. Even any feelings of pregnancy symptoms had disappeared and i felt back to myself again, physically. Pity that the big belly is actually pure fat - i'm going to have to do something about that now. And i made myself coffee in the morning and savoured every sip.
I've shed a few tears, mostly when well-meaning friends and family decide to use their "sad" voices and their "pity" faces when they ask me how i'm doing or say they are sorry. I know there is nothing else to say about it and most people just have to say it. I would be doing the same. But it seems harder to bear their disappointment than my own. It's not that i don't care. I care alot and i feel it too at times. But what is the use of wallowing in this for any amount of time when it was just not meant to be.
This is nothing like my first "incident" when the aftermath was like the year of the bitch from hell. The pain and grief was almost too much and the outcome of it was like turning my heart to stone.
But this... this is more like a wasted few weeks and wasted dollars and damn, it's unfortunate, but after all the disappointments and heartache we've had in this arena, what did we expect. Right now i'm feeling more pissed about the $4,000 for the evacuation of my uterus and the $2,000 for the other useless drugs and doctors visits we've had to endure.
Thinking about it now, it just serves me right for reading smutty novels and having sex wantonly. One thing is for sure. I'm never having intercourse again!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
9 weeks
My first week of not seeing what is going on inside. I suppose all should be going ok. I certainly feel really like an alien has taken over my body.
Obsessed with salt or sweet. Monday, I found a pack of mini Snickers and before I knew it, I had eaten 5 of them. Tuesday, the salty cravings were back and a pack of Cheezels disappeared. Fruit is making me happy. Sprinkled with salt, of course. But I know that's gonna catch up on me sooner or later. Last time I had high blood pressure (though much later in the pregnancy).
Anything umami is awesome right now. Vegemite, tomatoes, yum, yum, yum. And i've developed expensive taste in water. Downing Evian like i have access to the actual spring in my back yard. Still most things, even so delicious going down leave a nasty taste in my mouth. And most every hour i feel like chucking it all back up. Never quite do, but maybe if I did I'd feel better.
I have spent more time in bed than can be reasonable. Still have managed to shop, get some work done and socialize. I even made dinner one night, but doing so meant I was in bed by 7.30 and fast asleep by 8 with the biggest headache ever.
Hubby dearest has left me for dead. Big deadlines at work are his priority. Though it would be comforting to at least get a return text after I text him around 3.30 every day to say that I almost fainted on school pick up because the heat was unbearable. Ok, so maybe I need not text him every single day. But really. Even a :( would suffice. I get nothing. So much for being able to milk my "medical condition" with him!
So we take things day today. And I hope next week I'll be able to check and see how the little thing is doing on there and if it's enjoying it's accommodation.
Obsessed with salt or sweet. Monday, I found a pack of mini Snickers and before I knew it, I had eaten 5 of them. Tuesday, the salty cravings were back and a pack of Cheezels disappeared. Fruit is making me happy. Sprinkled with salt, of course. But I know that's gonna catch up on me sooner or later. Last time I had high blood pressure (though much later in the pregnancy).
Anything umami is awesome right now. Vegemite, tomatoes, yum, yum, yum. And i've developed expensive taste in water. Downing Evian like i have access to the actual spring in my back yard. Still most things, even so delicious going down leave a nasty taste in my mouth. And most every hour i feel like chucking it all back up. Never quite do, but maybe if I did I'd feel better.
I have spent more time in bed than can be reasonable. Still have managed to shop, get some work done and socialize. I even made dinner one night, but doing so meant I was in bed by 7.30 and fast asleep by 8 with the biggest headache ever.
Hubby dearest has left me for dead. Big deadlines at work are his priority. Though it would be comforting to at least get a return text after I text him around 3.30 every day to say that I almost fainted on school pick up because the heat was unbearable. Ok, so maybe I need not text him every single day. But really. Even a :( would suffice. I get nothing. So much for being able to milk my "medical condition" with him!
So we take things day today. And I hope next week I'll be able to check and see how the little thing is doing on there and if it's enjoying it's accommodation.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bedtime
Lately, I've become obsessed with my bed. That is where I want to be. I am calm in my bed. I am happy in my bed. I don't feel as sick or tired when I am in my bed.
I know that I can't always be in my bed, but when I'm not, I'm thinking about it or wishing I was.
When I'm out I feel tired. I feel nauseous. Sometimes I feel dizzy and most of the time, I feel hot and bothered. I love crawling back into that comforting cocoon and forgetting that I'm feeling crappy. Forgetting all the work I have to do, dinners to cook, the food to buy. Just lying in bed all snuggled up is the best feeling in the world to me right now.
Sometimes I don't even want to share my bed. I want to be able to sprawl out and rest. To hide under the sheets and remain in denial of everything that has already changed these past 8 weeks. And what will be changing in the future.
It's easier in bed. It's nice and safe. And a much better place to mull over all the things that need to happen.
I am in love with my bed. And if you think I've gone MIA, I haven't. I'm just in bed. And I'm happy here.
I know that I can't always be in my bed, but when I'm not, I'm thinking about it or wishing I was.
When I'm out I feel tired. I feel nauseous. Sometimes I feel dizzy and most of the time, I feel hot and bothered. I love crawling back into that comforting cocoon and forgetting that I'm feeling crappy. Forgetting all the work I have to do, dinners to cook, the food to buy. Just lying in bed all snuggled up is the best feeling in the world to me right now.
Sometimes I don't even want to share my bed. I want to be able to sprawl out and rest. To hide under the sheets and remain in denial of everything that has already changed these past 8 weeks. And what will be changing in the future.
It's easier in bed. It's nice and safe. And a much better place to mull over all the things that need to happen.
I am in love with my bed. And if you think I've gone MIA, I haven't. I'm just in bed. And I'm happy here.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Doubled.
The little thing has been very busy this week. It's doubled in size and the heartbeat is still strong.
I suppose it's time that I start to admit that I just may be having a baby in the middle of May.
OMG!
My lovely doctor thinks its amusing that I'm always still in shock and surprise whenever I see the little thing growing away in there. I suppose that's a good sign if she's not too worried.
Though my darling husband turns white every time he sees it fluttering away in me. Still disbelief that it's there and hanging on. It's just so surreal.
Next appointment scheduled in 2 wks and drug dosage reduced as well so it must be doing ok, thank God.
Now to go home and see if I can fit in a nap before I pick up my darling daughter from school. I wonder when I should tell her...
I suppose it's time that I start to admit that I just may be having a baby in the middle of May.
OMG!
My lovely doctor thinks its amusing that I'm always still in shock and surprise whenever I see the little thing growing away in there. I suppose that's a good sign if she's not too worried.
Though my darling husband turns white every time he sees it fluttering away in me. Still disbelief that it's there and hanging on. It's just so surreal.
Next appointment scheduled in 2 wks and drug dosage reduced as well so it must be doing ok, thank God.
Now to go home and see if I can fit in a nap before I pick up my darling daughter from school. I wonder when I should tell her...
Another scan
I always approach my scans with a certain degree of trepidation. What if, in the space of a week, all has gone horribly wrong and today is the day I find out about it. What if the scan goes up and there is nothing there. The little heart that was going 150 last week is gone and it has all come to nothing.
I suppose I could try and shake the fear and opt to think of the best. But I've been here before. Expectant, excited. And nothing...
So now that the risks are high and it's still an unbelievable thing that has happened, I can't help but fear for the worst. Worry for the little thing inside who has already changed everything.
I should just try and enjoy this time. Whether it lives or dies. I will never be pregnant again. But it's really hard to enjoy feeling tired and vomitous. Hard to enjoy the waiting and wondering.
So having peeled myself off my sofa, I'm on my way to see if the little thing has decided to stick around for another week.
I suppose I could try and shake the fear and opt to think of the best. But I've been here before. Expectant, excited. And nothing...
So now that the risks are high and it's still an unbelievable thing that has happened, I can't help but fear for the worst. Worry for the little thing inside who has already changed everything.
I should just try and enjoy this time. Whether it lives or dies. I will never be pregnant again. But it's really hard to enjoy feeling tired and vomitous. Hard to enjoy the waiting and wondering.
So having peeled myself off my sofa, I'm on my way to see if the little thing has decided to stick around for another week.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Little flutterbug
Another doc's appointment and the little bean has been very busy this week!
We could see a much stronger heartbeat and definate growth in size and form.
Yet more freaking out going on because this is becoming more and more real with each passing day.
Doc said its a good thing we caught it early cause my hormone levels are really very low so thankfully i got put on the drugs sooner rather than later.
Even with our miraculous blunder, the road of procreation is still treacherous and dicey, but still such a relief to see a real heartbeat, not just a hardly noticeable flutter.
Task for this week... Take it easy, continue with the drugs and try to keep the freak out moments at bay...
We could see a much stronger heartbeat and definate growth in size and form.
Yet more freaking out going on because this is becoming more and more real with each passing day.
Doc said its a good thing we caught it early cause my hormone levels are really very low so thankfully i got put on the drugs sooner rather than later.
Even with our miraculous blunder, the road of procreation is still treacherous and dicey, but still such a relief to see a real heartbeat, not just a hardly noticeable flutter.
Task for this week... Take it easy, continue with the drugs and try to keep the freak out moments at bay...
Monday, September 17, 2012
The faintest flicker
Saw the teeniest, tiniest, flutteriest heart beat today!
At the same time, the doc said the HCG's weren't doubling which could mean a failing pregnancy. BUT Google says that you shouldn't make too much out of the HCG levels cause they vary quite a bit.
Still, there are low hormone levels so have been told to up my drug dosage even higher to support the pregnancy. And Glam doc has scheduled my next appointment for next week cause as this case is "difficult", she wants to check in once a week until she's completely happy that all is going well. I am fine with that...
I have decided that i really must try and be a little bit optimistic. The pessimism is just making me angry and sad. So there... I'm optimistic.
I am pregnant...
And i'm freaking out. Even admitting that i am pregnant is freaking me out.
At the same time, the doc said the HCG's weren't doubling which could mean a failing pregnancy. BUT Google says that you shouldn't make too much out of the HCG levels cause they vary quite a bit.
Still, there are low hormone levels so have been told to up my drug dosage even higher to support the pregnancy. And Glam doc has scheduled my next appointment for next week cause as this case is "difficult", she wants to check in once a week until she's completely happy that all is going well. I am fine with that...
I am pregnant...
And i'm freaking out. Even admitting that i am pregnant is freaking me out.
Damn those beaded bitches!
Meaning, the Progesterone that looks like little beads of pearls that i have to insert 3 times a day (don't ask me where). And the damn blue pills. The beaded bitches and the blue pills. Damn them both.
I think the cumulative effect of both drugs have now given me diarrhea. Oh yes, teeny, tiny detail. Pregnant. Knocked up. Which is, of course, why i'm taking the drugs in the first place.
I wish i could have been born with a happy pill. Like i so often say about my husband and most members of his family. Born with a happy pill cause nothing phases him. Never sees the negative. Always happy, happy, happy... It must be genetic.
I, on the other hand must have been born with a pessimistic pill. Cause i almost always think of the worst. Glass is half empty. Uterus is not half full.
So tomorrow, i have a doctors appointment and i'm freaking out cause i'll either see a fluttering heartbeat. Which would be just about the most positive thing that could happen. Or i will see a empty black hole.
But... this is strange... could i have a tiny bit of optimism in me! The good part of the scan tomorrow is that i think i'll know how well or how not well this is going and be able to know how to feel and what to do with this brief chapter in my life.
For now, i am horribly tired and worn out from the shenanigans of the day. Totally and utterly worn out. With an aweful tummy ache + the runs... and darling husband is out for the night so there is no one to treat me with a little TLC.
So yes, damn those beaded bitches and the blue pills! If they up my dosage any more, i just might go stark raving mad!
I think the cumulative effect of both drugs have now given me diarrhea. Oh yes, teeny, tiny detail. Pregnant. Knocked up. Which is, of course, why i'm taking the drugs in the first place.
I wish i could have been born with a happy pill. Like i so often say about my husband and most members of his family. Born with a happy pill cause nothing phases him. Never sees the negative. Always happy, happy, happy... It must be genetic.
I, on the other hand must have been born with a pessimistic pill. Cause i almost always think of the worst. Glass is half empty. Uterus is not half full.
So tomorrow, i have a doctors appointment and i'm freaking out cause i'll either see a fluttering heartbeat. Which would be just about the most positive thing that could happen. Or i will see a empty black hole.
But... this is strange... could i have a tiny bit of optimism in me! The good part of the scan tomorrow is that i think i'll know how well or how not well this is going and be able to know how to feel and what to do with this brief chapter in my life.
For now, i am horribly tired and worn out from the shenanigans of the day. Totally and utterly worn out. With an aweful tummy ache + the runs... and darling husband is out for the night so there is no one to treat me with a little TLC.
So yes, damn those beaded bitches and the blue pills! If they up my dosage any more, i just might go stark raving mad!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Happy 38th Bday to me...
I'm not good at celebrating my birthday. Besides, the last time i was pregnant on my birthday (the big 30), it all ended in tears. So i think now, history might just repeat, though i hope i won't end up as pissed off and bitchy as last time around. Or at least for not as long... though the hormones and wondering are starting to send me quietly (or not so quietly) mad.
To celebrate my 38 years on this planet, we went off to high tea at the Fullerton Bay Hotel with my brother and his wife. Just the 4 of us. Blissful peace, quiet and harmony. And with a glass of champagne, i was completely able to let loose and have the best bitch session about everything that i have had in a long while! And I feel totally entitled to it. Besides. It is my 38th birthday. I have been given a surprise this year - and it HATE surprises. And this particular surprise is... quite frankly... the shittiest surprise i have been given in all my life. (Except for "the incident" surrounding my 30th birthday.)
Seriously, i don't mean to sound ungrateful for this precious gift. Because it is. A gift. A miracle. The will of God. Whatever you want to call it. I never thought i would ever be pregnant again. But did it seriously have to come with one big-assed string attached!? If it were cut and dried... guaranteed baby on the 15th of May 2013, i assure you, i could suck it up and be grateful and amazed and happy about this surprise turn of events.
But it isn't. It's shitty. It's shitty on both sides. Because the longer i have to wonder if little bean in there will pull through, the longer i have to be reminded of everything i thought i would thankfully never have to deal with again. All the things that i had already put behind me and put in the "NEVER AGAIN" basket! The sleepless nights, breastfeeding, pooey nappys, terrible twos, tortourous 3s... All of that we have left behind with joy.
I desperately want the little bean to live. I do. But i can't allow myself to believe it will because of all the testing and drugs we've been doing. And it hasn't seemed to be going so well since i found out. Everything seemed to be going better before i found out. So i can only deduct that the wrapping in cotton wool that i have been doing for the past week is NOT working and i best go back to doing whatever it was i was doing before.
Which was of course, everything wrong... Whatever you've been told you should try not to do when procreating. That was exactly what i was doing all these weeks leading up to this. And why not? WE WERE NOT TRYING TO PROCREATE!!!!! And yet here we are.
Before that life changing pee, i had been on the gin and tonics, tried to make myself cosmos at home, out for a few drinks with friends. And really, everyone who knows me, knows that i don't drink. But for some reason this last month, i have been, a little bit. (So lovely, marketing guru sis in law says the new catch-phrase for the infertile should be "Don't think, Drink!") Hell it worked for me. But maybe not.
Either way, i'm much better doing what i'm doing rather than being all too careful and trying to do everything by the "what to do when pregnant" book. Because at least when i'm doing my normal thing, i'm not thinking about what is going on in my uterus.
Therefore, i had a beautiful glass of champagne this afternoon. And i think i feel a bit better!
To celebrate my 38 years on this planet, we went off to high tea at the Fullerton Bay Hotel with my brother and his wife. Just the 4 of us. Blissful peace, quiet and harmony. And with a glass of champagne, i was completely able to let loose and have the best bitch session about everything that i have had in a long while! And I feel totally entitled to it. Besides. It is my 38th birthday. I have been given a surprise this year - and it HATE surprises. And this particular surprise is... quite frankly... the shittiest surprise i have been given in all my life. (Except for "the incident" surrounding my 30th birthday.)
Seriously, i don't mean to sound ungrateful for this precious gift. Because it is. A gift. A miracle. The will of God. Whatever you want to call it. I never thought i would ever be pregnant again. But did it seriously have to come with one big-assed string attached!? If it were cut and dried... guaranteed baby on the 15th of May 2013, i assure you, i could suck it up and be grateful and amazed and happy about this surprise turn of events.
But it isn't. It's shitty. It's shitty on both sides. Because the longer i have to wonder if little bean in there will pull through, the longer i have to be reminded of everything i thought i would thankfully never have to deal with again. All the things that i had already put behind me and put in the "NEVER AGAIN" basket! The sleepless nights, breastfeeding, pooey nappys, terrible twos, tortourous 3s... All of that we have left behind with joy.
I desperately want the little bean to live. I do. But i can't allow myself to believe it will because of all the testing and drugs we've been doing. And it hasn't seemed to be going so well since i found out. Everything seemed to be going better before i found out. So i can only deduct that the wrapping in cotton wool that i have been doing for the past week is NOT working and i best go back to doing whatever it was i was doing before.
Which was of course, everything wrong... Whatever you've been told you should try not to do when procreating. That was exactly what i was doing all these weeks leading up to this. And why not? WE WERE NOT TRYING TO PROCREATE!!!!! And yet here we are.
Before that life changing pee, i had been on the gin and tonics, tried to make myself cosmos at home, out for a few drinks with friends. And really, everyone who knows me, knows that i don't drink. But for some reason this last month, i have been, a little bit. (So lovely, marketing guru sis in law says the new catch-phrase for the infertile should be "Don't think, Drink!") Hell it worked for me. But maybe not.
Either way, i'm much better doing what i'm doing rather than being all too careful and trying to do everything by the "what to do when pregnant" book. Because at least when i'm doing my normal thing, i'm not thinking about what is going on in my uterus.
Therefore, i had a beautiful glass of champagne this afternoon. And i think i feel a bit better!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
3rd blood test
Another day, another blood test. Here I was minding my own business when life decided it'd try and make things more interesting. I seriously did not need interesting right now.
It has fully taken me this long to come to terms with not having another one. And even as recent as last week, I was feeling sad at all the babies about to be born and wishing Leela had someone who'd be bound to her by blood. Even had a brief discussion with darling hubby about adoption and contemplating looking into it. Thinking that if I had been successful with IVF, that our baby would be due any day now.
So why. What is the point of all this!
Got a call from the doc. The actual glamourpuss doc, who wore a gorgeous, flowing silk maxi when she first met me, she was on the phone. And you know it can't be good news when the actual doctor calls... Anyway, she said the HCG went up - good. Even though it didn't get as high as I would have liked, whose to argue with my glam doc. But then the Progesterone want down. And the E2 went up but probly not enough so they've doubled my drug dosage and called me back in for a blood test on Tues. Also scheduling a scan with my glamour doc for the same day.
And I am left trying to decode the results, still feeling nervous and scared. Unable to get any difinitive information from the lovely medical professionals who seem to thrive on being vague and contradictory.
How is a person supposed to function like this?
It has fully taken me this long to come to terms with not having another one. And even as recent as last week, I was feeling sad at all the babies about to be born and wishing Leela had someone who'd be bound to her by blood. Even had a brief discussion with darling hubby about adoption and contemplating looking into it. Thinking that if I had been successful with IVF, that our baby would be due any day now.
So why. What is the point of all this!
Got a call from the doc. The actual glamourpuss doc, who wore a gorgeous, flowing silk maxi when she first met me, she was on the phone. And you know it can't be good news when the actual doctor calls... Anyway, she said the HCG went up - good. Even though it didn't get as high as I would have liked, whose to argue with my glam doc. But then the Progesterone want down. And the E2 went up but probly not enough so they've doubled my drug dosage and called me back in for a blood test on Tues. Also scheduling a scan with my glamour doc for the same day.
And I am left trying to decode the results, still feeling nervous and scared. Unable to get any difinitive information from the lovely medical professionals who seem to thrive on being vague and contradictory.
How is a person supposed to function like this?
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wondering
Still wondering how this could be possible and how it could end.
Will I have a baby? Seeing a newborn seriously freaks me out!
Will I not have a baby? Potentially loosing this one breaks my heart.
I just have no idea how to feel about this. Gut instinct is to prepare myself for disappointment. Like so many cycles past, it always ends with nothing.
But this wasn't at the end of a cycle. After all the needles and hoping and hard work that comes with IVF. I'm so used to that disappointment at the end of it. Having to pick myself up and get on with it.
This has been with no effort. Just alot of sex. Which has been done by us before with no result. Never in my thought did I think this could happen. Certain that we were as sterile as a bottle of dettol!
This is a miraculous conception. A fluke, a unexpected surprise! I can't even call it an answer to prayer because I wasn't praying to be pregnant. I was praying that I could accept not having another. And that my darling daughter could be happy without a sibling.
But still, after all these years of trying, almost 10 now, and only having the one amazing child, my gut reaction is to prepare for disappointment.
Could I even begin to let myself be happy or excited. Now that a few people are finding out and seeing their wonder and joy, their obvious shock and amazement, I'm still the pessimist. Still not able to comprehend what the hell is going on right now!
Desperate to know how the little
thing is doing in there. I've seen the gestational sac with my own eyes. Stared at it and couldn't believe it was there though the ultrasound wand was very obviously stuck up me!
Next blood test tomorrow. More paranoia, more waiting, hoping, wondering. I don't know if I can deal with this!
Will I have a baby? Seeing a newborn seriously freaks me out!
Will I not have a baby? Potentially loosing this one breaks my heart.
I just have no idea how to feel about this. Gut instinct is to prepare myself for disappointment. Like so many cycles past, it always ends with nothing.
But this wasn't at the end of a cycle. After all the needles and hoping and hard work that comes with IVF. I'm so used to that disappointment at the end of it. Having to pick myself up and get on with it.
This has been with no effort. Just alot of sex. Which has been done by us before with no result. Never in my thought did I think this could happen. Certain that we were as sterile as a bottle of dettol!
This is a miraculous conception. A fluke, a unexpected surprise! I can't even call it an answer to prayer because I wasn't praying to be pregnant. I was praying that I could accept not having another. And that my darling daughter could be happy without a sibling.
But still, after all these years of trying, almost 10 now, and only having the one amazing child, my gut reaction is to prepare for disappointment.
Could I even begin to let myself be happy or excited. Now that a few people are finding out and seeing their wonder and joy, their obvious shock and amazement, I'm still the pessimist. Still not able to comprehend what the hell is going on right now!
Desperate to know how the little
thing is doing in there. I've seen the gestational sac with my own eyes. Stared at it and couldn't believe it was there though the ultrasound wand was very obviously stuck up me!
Next blood test tomorrow. More paranoia, more waiting, hoping, wondering. I don't know if I can deal with this!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Testing, testing
Got my BT results.
Progesterone up - hooray!
E2 down - boo!
B-hcg is 2464 - I was hoping for over 2k. Good, I think.
Been given another drug to take to support the pregnancy. STILL not sure where this is headed. And another blood test on Sat. Starting to feel like a pincushion again.
Every bit of me wants the little thing in there to get nice and comfy, to keep growing and become real to me.
Have decided to chill in front of the telly and take it easy before I need to pick up my darling daughter.
Progesterone up - hooray!
E2 down - boo!
B-hcg is 2464 - I was hoping for over 2k. Good, I think.
Been given another drug to take to support the pregnancy. STILL not sure where this is headed. And another blood test on Sat. Starting to feel like a pincushion again.
Every bit of me wants the little thing in there to get nice and comfy, to keep growing and become real to me.
Have decided to chill in front of the telly and take it easy before I need to pick up my darling daughter.
2nd blood test
Sitting in the waiting room waiting for my next blood test. I've asked if they can take the beta HCG test so I can see what level it's at. The doc didn't order one cause she saw the gestational sac, but paranoid as I am, I want to know how high it's gotten.
Hoping and praying that all is ok. After everything, it is easier for me to be pessimistic. And even now, I'm still spinning out that this could even happen! Last night I was talking to my darling husband about how I could be pregnant and he had to stop me and say.. You ARE pregnant! And that freaked me out yet again.
Funny how one day, I'm perfectly normal, and now, since I know there's something there, I'm allovasudden rife with pregnancy symptoms. I bet if I hadn't peed on a stick, i'd still be feeling normal. But now, since I'm all knowing, i feel everything. Somebody should just wrap me in cotton wool and rest me on a bed for the next 7 weeks!
I find this a most bizarre situation. I have no idea what to think or how to feel. I want to be excited and happy, but i'm so used to disappointment, i'm scared to be optimistic. It's just so unreal.
Hoping and praying that all is ok. After everything, it is easier for me to be pessimistic. And even now, I'm still spinning out that this could even happen! Last night I was talking to my darling husband about how I could be pregnant and he had to stop me and say.. You ARE pregnant! And that freaked me out yet again.
Funny how one day, I'm perfectly normal, and now, since I know there's something there, I'm allovasudden rife with pregnancy symptoms. I bet if I hadn't peed on a stick, i'd still be feeling normal. But now, since I'm all knowing, i feel everything. Somebody should just wrap me in cotton wool and rest me on a bed for the next 7 weeks!
I find this a most bizarre situation. I have no idea what to think or how to feel. I want to be excited and happy, but i'm so used to disappointment, i'm scared to be optimistic. It's just so unreal.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The 50 shades anomaly
Life has a way of screwing you around. Just when you think you've come to terms, moved forward and are making plans for your future, here comes life. Fucking you up once again!
Yesterday, I was staring open mouthed at two pink lines on a HPT. I had to check the packaging to make sure what I was seeing was right! The strongest two pink lines I have ever seen in my life, staring back at me. Holy shit....
Why did I pee on a stick? Cause my period was marginally late and I just thought what the hell. I'm late all the time. And peeing on a stick is always negative and always gets my period to start. Not to mention how terribly infertile we are. Barren. Inconcievable. Duds in procreation...But this time, two pink lines! Two! I counted them. One... Two... There they both were. It is just so impossible. So unbelievable. I chose to think that the sticks were dodgy, ignore the result and continue with my day. Told hubby who last night went out and got a fancy test. One of those digitized ones that will tell you how far along you are.
After some convincing, I peed on the fancy stick but couldn't bear to look at it and gave it to my darling husband who, in 3 minutes, said to me... It says you're 3+.
I say. What the hell does that mean?
He says. It means you are 5 weeks pregnant. (that's based on my last period)
Which of course means that in all probability, this happened while I was reading the second two books of 50 Shades of Gray and we were doing it nightly in various ways.
He says. Goes to prove we weren't doing it enough.
I says. Doesn't prove anything. This can't be happening...
So back to denial. Happy in denial. Denial is safe and it means I don't need to think about the pros, cons what ifs! I like denial.
So this morning after repeatedly telling hubby that I don't know what to do and would like to remain in denial, he tells me to go and get a blood test so we can see if it's viable.
I end up rocking in to the Raffles hospital unannounced. Expecting a runaround and absolutely no help, I'm relieved when a lovely nurse decides to take pity on me and allows me to wait to see a doc without an appointment. V impresses with this hospital. The doc I'm given is lovely and glamorous and does an ultrasound. Staring back at me is a sack. Too early for a fetal heartbeat but it's there... A yolk sack.
I am struck speechless. Doc says. It's there. Confirmed pregnancy. It's definately there.
I am freaking out! I had put this behind me. I was just starting to get my life in some semblance of order! What is going on!
Doc orders a blood test to check my hormone levels and sends me on my way.
I spend the rest of my time in a haze of unbelieving and yelling out what the hell in my head. And sometimes out loud.
And just when I'm starting to believe that this could be real, I get a call that my test results are in. The hormone levels are low. And I need to rush in to get some drugs to help support the pregnancy. Scheduled another blood test for Thurs.
So here I am. Back at waiting and everyone knows how much I hate waiting!!!
Yesterday, I was staring open mouthed at two pink lines on a HPT. I had to check the packaging to make sure what I was seeing was right! The strongest two pink lines I have ever seen in my life, staring back at me. Holy shit....
Why did I pee on a stick? Cause my period was marginally late and I just thought what the hell. I'm late all the time. And peeing on a stick is always negative and always gets my period to start. Not to mention how terribly infertile we are. Barren. Inconcievable. Duds in procreation...But this time, two pink lines! Two! I counted them. One... Two... There they both were. It is just so impossible. So unbelievable. I chose to think that the sticks were dodgy, ignore the result and continue with my day. Told hubby who last night went out and got a fancy test. One of those digitized ones that will tell you how far along you are.
After some convincing, I peed on the fancy stick but couldn't bear to look at it and gave it to my darling husband who, in 3 minutes, said to me... It says you're 3+.
I say. What the hell does that mean?
He says. It means you are 5 weeks pregnant. (that's based on my last period)
Which of course means that in all probability, this happened while I was reading the second two books of 50 Shades of Gray and we were doing it nightly in various ways.
He says. Goes to prove we weren't doing it enough.
I says. Doesn't prove anything. This can't be happening...
So back to denial. Happy in denial. Denial is safe and it means I don't need to think about the pros, cons what ifs! I like denial.
So this morning after repeatedly telling hubby that I don't know what to do and would like to remain in denial, he tells me to go and get a blood test so we can see if it's viable.
I end up rocking in to the Raffles hospital unannounced. Expecting a runaround and absolutely no help, I'm relieved when a lovely nurse decides to take pity on me and allows me to wait to see a doc without an appointment. V impresses with this hospital. The doc I'm given is lovely and glamorous and does an ultrasound. Staring back at me is a sack. Too early for a fetal heartbeat but it's there... A yolk sack.
I am struck speechless. Doc says. It's there. Confirmed pregnancy. It's definately there.
I am freaking out! I had put this behind me. I was just starting to get my life in some semblance of order! What is going on!
Doc orders a blood test to check my hormone levels and sends me on my way.
I spend the rest of my time in a haze of unbelieving and yelling out what the hell in my head. And sometimes out loud.
And just when I'm starting to believe that this could be real, I get a call that my test results are in. The hormone levels are low. And I need to rush in to get some drugs to help support the pregnancy. Scheduled another blood test for Thurs.
So here I am. Back at waiting and everyone knows how much I hate waiting!!!
Monday, August 13, 2012
The sweetest thing.
Today my darling daughter has turned 5. My one and only child is halfway to double-digits and it's hard to believe how fast it has gone. I'm sure all mums feel the same about their own children, but quite honestly, i firmly believe that the little angel given to me is the most beautiful and perfect thing in the world. Yes, i do have my moments with her, but a sweeter little person has never existed. I'm not even going to try and be diplomatic. My child is the sweetest and loveliest little human in the entire world.
Yesterday i could hear her pottering around outside while i was trying to wake up. Pitter patter feet and clinking clanking sounds were drifting down my hallway. Finally her angel face appears next to my bed saying, "mummy, come, i've made you breakfast". And sure enough, she had. A ceramic bowl with a piece of bread, buttered with vegemite was waiting for me on the table. Accompanied by a glass of water. It was set on the dining table and opposite was set her own plate with her own breakfast and glass of water waiting for us to sit down together and eat. She is just the loveliest thing.
It's been six months since we ended our journey for number two. Six months to get over it and six months to get on with life. But lately, infertility has been slapping me in the face. Sharp, stingy little slaps. Not a really big bitch slap that would incapacitate me. But small annoying slaps that piss me right off. And there is nothing that i can do. Nothing but grin and bear it, plaster a smile on my face and keep going. It's exhausting.
Yesterday i could hear her pottering around outside while i was trying to wake up. Pitter patter feet and clinking clanking sounds were drifting down my hallway. Finally her angel face appears next to my bed saying, "mummy, come, i've made you breakfast". And sure enough, she had. A ceramic bowl with a piece of bread, buttered with vegemite was waiting for me on the table. Accompanied by a glass of water. It was set on the dining table and opposite was set her own plate with her own breakfast and glass of water waiting for us to sit down together and eat. She is just the loveliest thing.
It's been six months since we ended our journey for number two. Six months to get over it and six months to get on with life. But lately, infertility has been slapping me in the face. Sharp, stingy little slaps. Not a really big bitch slap that would incapacitate me. But small annoying slaps that piss me right off. And there is nothing that i can do. Nothing but grin and bear it, plaster a smile on my face and keep going. It's exhausting.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Boredom comes in stealth...
Well it does for me. First you're keeping busy, busy, busy, filling your time with this and that, trying to think that what you're doing is terribly important to the survival of your family, your friends, humanity in general until finally, you realise you've been sitting on your ass in front of facebook for 10 minutes, repeatedly refreshing, just waiting to see if anyone else is doing anything interesting. Yep, that is when you know, well, when i know that i've been terribly bored all this time and trying to ignore it.
It's not like i haven't been having fun. I have been. Heaps of it! I've been entertaining, being entertained, going hither and nither, drinking coffee, out to lunches, playdates for my child and living it up.
But all the while, in the back of my mind is this nagging feeling, like a tick tock clock saying, you're bored, you know it. you're bored, you know it.
But do i? Do i really know it? I mustn't really, really know if it i'm still flaffing around doing the same things and not really trying very hard to do much else. Not really wanting to do much else. Trying to convince myself that life is good and exciting and so much fun, i haven't the time to find anything else to do.
And there's maybe a shift in my mindset that needs to happen. That being around for my darling daughter is the most important thing i could do. And seeing as she's the only one, perhaps i should put in a teeny bit more effort when it comes to raising her. Perhaps i need to convince myself that it is the most important thing in the world to make sure she has healthy meals and learns to read and is taught to be a lovely little thing, polite and kind and happy with herself. Because it is. It really is the most important thing in the world. I know it in my head. Nothing else matters.
But still, nagging feeling in the back of my head. Maybe i just need to keep doing what i'm doing until it goes away.
It's not like i haven't been having fun. I have been. Heaps of it! I've been entertaining, being entertained, going hither and nither, drinking coffee, out to lunches, playdates for my child and living it up.
But all the while, in the back of my mind is this nagging feeling, like a tick tock clock saying, you're bored, you know it. you're bored, you know it.
But do i? Do i really know it? I mustn't really, really know if it i'm still flaffing around doing the same things and not really trying very hard to do much else. Not really wanting to do much else. Trying to convince myself that life is good and exciting and so much fun, i haven't the time to find anything else to do.
And there's maybe a shift in my mindset that needs to happen. That being around for my darling daughter is the most important thing i could do. And seeing as she's the only one, perhaps i should put in a teeny bit more effort when it comes to raising her. Perhaps i need to convince myself that it is the most important thing in the world to make sure she has healthy meals and learns to read and is taught to be a lovely little thing, polite and kind and happy with herself. Because it is. It really is the most important thing in the world. I know it in my head. Nothing else matters.
But still, nagging feeling in the back of my head. Maybe i just need to keep doing what i'm doing until it goes away.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Today it hurts. It's come out of the blue and a complete surprise to me. Today it hurts because I was reading my old blog. The one where I got my darling daughter and how I got her and it was a reminder that I will never have another beautiful, precious child bumping around inside me. I'll never marvel at a newborn miracle that is my own. I will never laugh every day at an 18 months antics. Teach another one to talk or be polite or show them how to discover their toes or fingers and nose.
Saw a friends 6 month old and I was floored. All my memories of poopy nappies and sleepless night. So
happy I was to have dodged that bullet again, replaced by amazement at this intently and curiously staring child, taking it all in, trying to make sense of who I was and who she was and her place in the world. But content, held tightly by her mother with the absolute knowledge that the love was there and lasting. I'm not gonna have that again.
Today I'm hurt. And I'm sad and sorry and wishing it were some other way. But it isn't and I'll get over it again soon.
Saw a friends 6 month old and I was floored. All my memories of poopy nappies and sleepless night. So
happy I was to have dodged that bullet again, replaced by amazement at this intently and curiously staring child, taking it all in, trying to make sense of who I was and who she was and her place in the world. But content, held tightly by her mother with the absolute knowledge that the love was there and lasting. I'm not gonna have that again.
Today I'm hurt. And I'm sad and sorry and wishing it were some other way. But it isn't and I'll get over it again soon.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Done...
I am done with this year to date. Done, done, done!
There is nothing like living perpetually on hold. Anyone who's tried and failed or even had a slight delay in falling pregnant knows what I mean.
Nothing happens, nothing gets planned. Everything comes with a "what if I am pregnant" clause and it sucks. Everything is in slow motion and you feel like you can't move forward because what if. And what if is a terrible way to live. What if is confusing, frustrating and heart breaking when every month comes along and you realize you have another month to "try". Constantly wondering what if.
Then the months go by and even though there are so many people on this journey, each and every story is different and real. Each of us knows the hurt each month when the spotting comes or the damned pink line on the pee stick is negative. Each of us knows but nobody understands because it's such a personal journey. Don't even think partners are privy to what we go through.
Yep, I know I was done with this in Feb. Well and truly done. But on the other side, while life is frivolous and fabulous, you still remember and are scarred. You move on and the hurt is less and fading. But there are random moments where it comes back. And you wonder, what if we kept trying.
It is completely clear in my mind that things have turned out right and for a reason. I am really, truly glad that it's over and done with.
My life has gone on, frivolous and fancy. Last week I was cocooned in a blanket of luxury in Bangkok. It was all about me and damn it, I deserved it. But now i've returned itching to do something, to have a project or something other than living a life of leisure. (How could I, you ask!)
Prior to Bangkok, I was getting rather
comfy with my nothingness existence. Rather happy to remain without purpose or reason. And it was desperately needed. Time for not trying and not doing anything. It was needed.
On the sidelines, there was the saga of the love of my life's career choices and believe me, that is yet another way to live a life on hold. Much less hurtful but with that backing onto the 2 months of our hormonal in Hornsby saga, it has been hard to move on or sideways or anywhere because of all the what ifs standing in our way.
Thank God he has finally come to a conclusion and is moving on. And me, I need something to do. Something awesome that will give me back my Mojo. Which has gone completely missing and has forced me into fixating on the little things that don't matter but when you have little else that matters, even the stupid things become a big drama. Such a pathetic way to be.
I'm embarking on a search for something to do. I'm sure it's just another way of living what ifs. But along the way, I might just stumble onto something that I will love every single minute of the day. And maybe I won't, but at least I'm looking.
There is nothing like living perpetually on hold. Anyone who's tried and failed or even had a slight delay in falling pregnant knows what I mean.
Nothing happens, nothing gets planned. Everything comes with a "what if I am pregnant" clause and it sucks. Everything is in slow motion and you feel like you can't move forward because what if. And what if is a terrible way to live. What if is confusing, frustrating and heart breaking when every month comes along and you realize you have another month to "try". Constantly wondering what if.
Then the months go by and even though there are so many people on this journey, each and every story is different and real. Each of us knows the hurt each month when the spotting comes or the damned pink line on the pee stick is negative. Each of us knows but nobody understands because it's such a personal journey. Don't even think partners are privy to what we go through.
Yep, I know I was done with this in Feb. Well and truly done. But on the other side, while life is frivolous and fabulous, you still remember and are scarred. You move on and the hurt is less and fading. But there are random moments where it comes back. And you wonder, what if we kept trying.
It is completely clear in my mind that things have turned out right and for a reason. I am really, truly glad that it's over and done with.
My life has gone on, frivolous and fancy. Last week I was cocooned in a blanket of luxury in Bangkok. It was all about me and damn it, I deserved it. But now i've returned itching to do something, to have a project or something other than living a life of leisure. (How could I, you ask!)
Prior to Bangkok, I was getting rather
comfy with my nothingness existence. Rather happy to remain without purpose or reason. And it was desperately needed. Time for not trying and not doing anything. It was needed.
On the sidelines, there was the saga of the love of my life's career choices and believe me, that is yet another way to live a life on hold. Much less hurtful but with that backing onto the 2 months of our hormonal in Hornsby saga, it has been hard to move on or sideways or anywhere because of all the what ifs standing in our way.
Thank God he has finally come to a conclusion and is moving on. And me, I need something to do. Something awesome that will give me back my Mojo. Which has gone completely missing and has forced me into fixating on the little things that don't matter but when you have little else that matters, even the stupid things become a big drama. Such a pathetic way to be.
I'm embarking on a search for something to do. I'm sure it's just another way of living what ifs. But along the way, I might just stumble onto something that I will love every single minute of the day. And maybe I won't, but at least I'm looking.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Ok, so I am a bitch when I am hungry
I've known this for a while. G knows it and asks if I'm hungry whenever I'm narky at him. But what occurred today takes the cake.
I'm lying in bed trying to get a break from my darling daughter. Having told her in no uncertain terms that I had played with her all day already and need an hour to myself so if she could just please amuse herself. Poor thing. Moments like that and I hate fate for not giving me another one to keep her company. Watching her left to her own devices was both hilarious and heartbreaking. But I soon forgot her until she came running down the hallway with a porcelain bowl and metal spoon. She came up to my bed and presented to me a bowl full of corn flakes and very sweetly said... "mummy i thought you were hungry and might want something to eat"
Had to laugh thinking how the hell did she get into my cereal cupboard. It is 2nd shelf above the bench that holds my knives. And to get me a porcelain bowl from out of the cabinet, in the back.
Too sweet and too funny at the same time...
I'm lying in bed trying to get a break from my darling daughter. Having told her in no uncertain terms that I had played with her all day already and need an hour to myself so if she could just please amuse herself. Poor thing. Moments like that and I hate fate for not giving me another one to keep her company. Watching her left to her own devices was both hilarious and heartbreaking. But I soon forgot her until she came running down the hallway with a porcelain bowl and metal spoon. She came up to my bed and presented to me a bowl full of corn flakes and very sweetly said... "mummy i thought you were hungry and might want something to eat"
Had to laugh thinking how the hell did she get into my cereal cupboard. It is 2nd shelf above the bench that holds my knives. And to get me a porcelain bowl from out of the cabinet, in the back.
Too sweet and too funny at the same time...
My frivolous existence
So I'm thinking I need to start a new blog now that the IVF shenanigans are well and truly over. I can't really continue in this vein because Hornsby and being hormonal is well and truly over - my husband would disagree with the second part but c'mon... hormonal now is nothing compared to in Hornsby.
So life is continuing and life is good. i reluctantly sent my helping hand home last Thursday and was not happy to be washing my own dishes Friday. My aspirations to have a permanent helping hand installed into my household are dead in the water cause of cost and space.
Then my plans for total and utter peace, quiet, relaxation and revelry on my own time has been put on hold because my princess daughter has been sick and apart from her continuously using her outside voice inside, constant whining, making me do stuff... Apart from me being her bitch for the last 3 days, it hasn't been so bad. Though I am so wound up now, I'm not being very nice and have been using my non inside voice just as much as her!
But who can complain. I have a great little apartment. A gorgeous daughter that I love so much my heart stops at the thought that she is growing up while at the same time i find her so annoying at times she drives me to tears. I've got a fantastic lifestyle that leaves me exhausted then wanting more. I have food on my table though I hate that I have to clean it myself. Really, what is there to moan and groan about? I really do have a very fantastic and frivolous existence...
So life is continuing and life is good. i reluctantly sent my helping hand home last Thursday and was not happy to be washing my own dishes Friday. My aspirations to have a permanent helping hand installed into my household are dead in the water cause of cost and space.
Then my plans for total and utter peace, quiet, relaxation and revelry on my own time has been put on hold because my princess daughter has been sick and apart from her continuously using her outside voice inside, constant whining, making me do stuff... Apart from me being her bitch for the last 3 days, it hasn't been so bad. Though I am so wound up now, I'm not being very nice and have been using my non inside voice just as much as her!
But who can complain. I have a great little apartment. A gorgeous daughter that I love so much my heart stops at the thought that she is growing up while at the same time i find her so annoying at times she drives me to tears. I've got a fantastic lifestyle that leaves me exhausted then wanting more. I have food on my table though I hate that I have to clean it myself. Really, what is there to moan and groan about? I really do have a very fantastic and frivolous existence...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Well, hello there, stranger
It's been so long it seems since i last blogged. You would think that sending my darling daughter off to school would give me plenty of spare time to blog away but i have found myself running around like a crazy woman. Not getting much done, really. But running around nevertheless.
Now i have a spare 10 min before heading off to some talk by her new school about their learning system. Sounds like such a bore but i feel like i should at least try to know about how she is being taught. And i can actually leave the house because i've got someone to help watch her.
Which is also another reason why i've found the time to blog now. I've been gifted a helping hand for a bit of this week and hello... this is more like it!
I have done no cooking, no cleaning, no washing of dishes, no ironing, no laundry, no dusting, mopping, vacuuming, haven't had to run to the shops. (Ok so, i'll be honest and say that i don't actually do a few of those items, but i do most of them. AND i do feel annoyed that the ones that i don't do are not done on a daily basis)
So you should see my drawers now. All neatly folded in rows and piles that make me grin in pleasure every time i open them. I can actually find things!
And just imagine walking into a house that is completely spick and span every time you walk into it. It is bliss. It is joy! I really don't think that real tai tais should be allowed to complain anymore about anything at all. I've lived like them for two days and seriously, i don't know if i can go back. And i haven't really lived totally like them because even with my helping hand, i've only had her for a few hours a day and i have been working my little butt off too. If she were her perpetually, i don't know how i could handle all this happiness!
Gotta run. More later!
Now i have a spare 10 min before heading off to some talk by her new school about their learning system. Sounds like such a bore but i feel like i should at least try to know about how she is being taught. And i can actually leave the house because i've got someone to help watch her.
Which is also another reason why i've found the time to blog now. I've been gifted a helping hand for a bit of this week and hello... this is more like it!
I have done no cooking, no cleaning, no washing of dishes, no ironing, no laundry, no dusting, mopping, vacuuming, haven't had to run to the shops. (Ok so, i'll be honest and say that i don't actually do a few of those items, but i do most of them. AND i do feel annoyed that the ones that i don't do are not done on a daily basis)
So you should see my drawers now. All neatly folded in rows and piles that make me grin in pleasure every time i open them. I can actually find things!
And just imagine walking into a house that is completely spick and span every time you walk into it. It is bliss. It is joy! I really don't think that real tai tais should be allowed to complain anymore about anything at all. I've lived like them for two days and seriously, i don't know if i can go back. And i haven't really lived totally like them because even with my helping hand, i've only had her for a few hours a day and i have been working my little butt off too. If she were her perpetually, i don't know how i could handle all this happiness!
Gotta run. More later!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I only get sad when others are sad for me...
This last week there was a rash of people realizing that i should know the results of our IVF cycle by now. Text messages and emails have popped up asking for news. I only get sad when others are sad for me. So please don't be sad for me. I really don't like being sad, it's not for me at all. Frankly, it blows and i hate it. So i keep busy and focus on anything other than being sad. Coping mechanism, maybe, but i do think that somewhere inside me, i'm quite happy to move on and that's the part i'm concentrating on.
Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.
Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.
But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!
Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.
It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.
So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.
Though this morning, i was trying to convince the love of my life that it was ironic that we're letting our only child go off to a big school at the same time that we've failed to make another one. He said it wasn't ironic. It was just sad.
Didn't realise what a big deal it was that my darling daughter is starting at a big school until the contracts came in the mail looking all official with signatures needed everywhere and a nice big cheque needing to be made out to our school of choice. Why the hell did i think she was ready for a bigger environment when she's actually still 2 years away from being school age. None of her other schools seemed as big of a deal as this one. I think i thought this one would be like the other ones. Just a child care. A place for her to spend her time while i escaped her company.
But the contracts tell me otherwise. This is her journey away from family and home, from us. This is the start of her career in education, away from the simplicity and innocence of play dates, the start of her learning how to be independent and self sufficient. It never crossed my mind when i decided on this school that this is what i was sending her to! What the hell was i thinking!
Yes, i know i have a fair few years ahead before she's actually grown up. And trust me, i am really ready for her to have a place to be most days when i need some time for myself. I'm going to be frivolous for a few weeks, brunching and lunching, doing whatever the hell i want to do. Then perhaps it'll be time to try and figure out what I want to do with myself. Though it's never far from my mind.
It's been a tough and exhausting week past. I've self inflicted a bit of it, choosing to watch TV til the early hours of the morning then having to get up with my child, who is an annoyingly cheerful morning person (for that early in the morning). Then i've been doing some work, keeping my darling daughter occupied, enjoying my very busy social calendar but having to come home to all the housework Making time to bitch and moan about my helperless situation. All while the love of my life was far away in Mumbai. His return always brings its share of getting used to and that's a different story all together.
So today is my idea of bliss after a week like this past. Nothing to do, nothing planned and no one to see. By yesterday, i was ready to just be left alone, on my own. So that's today, recharging... and tomorrow, i'll be back to myself, i'm sure. The last week to spend with my darling daughter before she goes off to the big school. Well, the last week until next month when school holidays start.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Everything went as well as it could...
The Skype conversation with the fabulous Dr D occured this morning and basically, everything went as well as it could. Nothing went badly. She was thrilled with everything up til the transfer when we only had the one good blasty left. And even then, it was a good one.
They like to have 6-12 eggs collected - check.
A high percentage of fertilisations - check.
Day 3 with lots of 6-8 celled wonders - check.
But those two last days, goddam those two last days. It's hard to make a blastocyst, she said. Bloody hell. It probably comes down to my dodgy eggs. She admitted it might not a fault with G's junk - much to my dismay. I mean, really, i would so much prefer if some responsibility rested on him! But nope, my eggs. My dodgy, dodgy, 37 1/2 year old, dodgy eggs. But then we had that one little gem of a blastocyst. Still didn't take.
Everything was textbook so even in all her years of dealing with infertility, even she had no idea why some take and some don't. So i said, if it's so random, why wouldn't i just take my supplements and have sex like the bunnies do and see what happens. She laughed. Said that has been shown to work in some cases. It comes down to my persistence, she says. The last cycle was by far the best. Maybe from those DHEA supplements. Who knows. My chances are about 30% each try.
But she couldn't tell me how persistent i want to be. No duh. She suggested that if i thought i'd give it a try again, to keep taking those DHEA pills. Though they seriously mess me up. Acne, hairy moustache, cranky as anything. Why would i want to live with that just in the random chance that i would want to bare my belly to the injections and kick my heels up for the ultrasounds once again. Oh, and don't forget being hormonal, huge needles through the uterus and ovaries and the mind fuck of the two week wait.
It was nice to talk to the Fabulous Dr D and she genuinely appeared regretful that it just didn't happen for me. I might not see her again but i'll never forget her and the role she played in my life. Love her or hate her, she did give me my one beautiful shining star. And that is enough for me.
They like to have 6-12 eggs collected - check.
A high percentage of fertilisations - check.
Day 3 with lots of 6-8 celled wonders - check.
But those two last days, goddam those two last days. It's hard to make a blastocyst, she said. Bloody hell. It probably comes down to my dodgy eggs. She admitted it might not a fault with G's junk - much to my dismay. I mean, really, i would so much prefer if some responsibility rested on him! But nope, my eggs. My dodgy, dodgy, 37 1/2 year old, dodgy eggs. But then we had that one little gem of a blastocyst. Still didn't take.
Everything was textbook so even in all her years of dealing with infertility, even she had no idea why some take and some don't. So i said, if it's so random, why wouldn't i just take my supplements and have sex like the bunnies do and see what happens. She laughed. Said that has been shown to work in some cases. It comes down to my persistence, she says. The last cycle was by far the best. Maybe from those DHEA supplements. Who knows. My chances are about 30% each try.
But she couldn't tell me how persistent i want to be. No duh. She suggested that if i thought i'd give it a try again, to keep taking those DHEA pills. Though they seriously mess me up. Acne, hairy moustache, cranky as anything. Why would i want to live with that just in the random chance that i would want to bare my belly to the injections and kick my heels up for the ultrasounds once again. Oh, and don't forget being hormonal, huge needles through the uterus and ovaries and the mind fuck of the two week wait.
It was nice to talk to the Fabulous Dr D and she genuinely appeared regretful that it just didn't happen for me. I might not see her again but i'll never forget her and the role she played in my life. Love her or hate her, she did give me my one beautiful shining star. And that is enough for me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
OMG, i've become a fat and lazy cow
OMG, i have become a fat and lazy cow! When did this happen? Oh yep, that's right, i think i've always been like this but buried it under a mound of work and self importance. When running my own business, i could always be busy and relevant, therefore, not a fat and lazy cow. But now that i'm a wannabe tai tai, the fat and lazy is becoming very obvious.
I say wannabe because: Tai tai (太太) is a Chinese colloquial term for a wealthy married woman who does not work.
And i am very far from being wealthy. And really, i have been doing some work this week. I can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up speed and in 3 months, i bet i'll be right back where i was a couple years ago. Not bad considering it took me 10 years to build up my business, 1 month to shut it down and now i could have it all back in a frighteningly short amount of time. I'm a lucky, lucky woman. BUT remember, fat and lazy cow... I really don't know if i want it all back.
Yesterday i found myself on a beach drinking mojitos and eating chicken curry with baguette. Today, dinner with a dear friend, interrupted by a tiny bit of work, but not too much. Now home, i'm looking around and thinking why the hell do i have clean up? Everyone else has someone to do it for them. So why the hell don't i? I just want to get into my PJ's and watch some TV in bed. And i think i will.
Tomorrow though, i'm gonna be pissed as hell that i didn't pull my finger out and get some stuff done. I'll have work to finish, child to mind, dishes to wash and i'm gonna be mad. And what could be worse than a fat and lazy cow? A MAD, fat and lazy cow... Hubby picked the best week of all to head off to Mumbai. He must have known that his silly wife would procrastinate early this week then be consumed by stress for the rest of it, cursing her luck at having work to do and pissed to have dishes to wash and house to clean and resentful at having no one around to support her.
I am in love with the idea of being a lady of leisure. Not having to work but meeting friends for coffee, brunch or lunch. Keeping a "helper" at home to do all the cooking and cleaning. I've been obsessed with the idea of having a helper for the longest time, finally deciding that i didn't need one, but then really, really wanting one just to do all the stuff a fat and lazy cow would not want to do. I make the decision not to have a helper almost daily. Then i meet up with some true tai tais and again, i'm obsessed with getting one. But then i know i don't need one and really, i can't afford one. But then if i worked, i could get one. But then i'd have to give up all my lunches and brunches and playdates. Vicious and frivolous circle i'm in. And you know what, i'm feeling too fat and lazy right now to care.
I say wannabe because: Tai tai (太太) is a Chinese colloquial term for a wealthy married woman who does not work.
And i am very far from being wealthy. And really, i have been doing some work this week. I can see the snowball rolling down the hill and picking up speed and in 3 months, i bet i'll be right back where i was a couple years ago. Not bad considering it took me 10 years to build up my business, 1 month to shut it down and now i could have it all back in a frighteningly short amount of time. I'm a lucky, lucky woman. BUT remember, fat and lazy cow... I really don't know if i want it all back.
Yesterday i found myself on a beach drinking mojitos and eating chicken curry with baguette. Today, dinner with a dear friend, interrupted by a tiny bit of work, but not too much. Now home, i'm looking around and thinking why the hell do i have clean up? Everyone else has someone to do it for them. So why the hell don't i? I just want to get into my PJ's and watch some TV in bed. And i think i will.
Tomorrow though, i'm gonna be pissed as hell that i didn't pull my finger out and get some stuff done. I'll have work to finish, child to mind, dishes to wash and i'm gonna be mad. And what could be worse than a fat and lazy cow? A MAD, fat and lazy cow... Hubby picked the best week of all to head off to Mumbai. He must have known that his silly wife would procrastinate early this week then be consumed by stress for the rest of it, cursing her luck at having work to do and pissed to have dishes to wash and house to clean and resentful at having no one around to support her.
I am in love with the idea of being a lady of leisure. Not having to work but meeting friends for coffee, brunch or lunch. Keeping a "helper" at home to do all the cooking and cleaning. I've been obsessed with the idea of having a helper for the longest time, finally deciding that i didn't need one, but then really, really wanting one just to do all the stuff a fat and lazy cow would not want to do. I make the decision not to have a helper almost daily. Then i meet up with some true tai tais and again, i'm obsessed with getting one. But then i know i don't need one and really, i can't afford one. But then if i worked, i could get one. But then i'd have to give up all my lunches and brunches and playdates. Vicious and frivolous circle i'm in. And you know what, i'm feeling too fat and lazy right now to care.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I wish I had something interesting to blog about.
I wish I had something interesting to blog about. I have had a most impromptu and fun filled day. But fun is not interesting. Pain and angst is. And I haven't had much of that since my life has continued... Post IVF.
I have decided to Skype Dr D. I suppose that could be interesting... When i emailed about my period, she wrote saying how sorry she was and maybe we could Skype and talk over what "had gone right and what not so right"... Excuse me! If something was not so right, why am I finding out about this now!!!
So I thought i would leave it. Because, I've moved on and I'm strong. But ever so often it gets me. Well, not me totally. I mostly feel like I dodged a bullet - personally. But it gets me that my beautiful child will never have a brother or sister. I feel like I have let her down and I'm so sad at times.
And there is sometimes that nagging feeling in the back of my head that wonders why this didn't happen for me. Will of God and not meant to be - sure, but maybe if I talk to Dr D, she will tell me something I didn't know.
So I'll schedule a Skype with her. For "closure". But I pray that it doesn't give me a reason to keep trying to have a baby. As sad as I am for my child is as glad as I am for me to be able to get on with things. (Even though it means I have nothing very interesting to blog about for a while.)
I have decided to Skype Dr D. I suppose that could be interesting... When i emailed about my period, she wrote saying how sorry she was and maybe we could Skype and talk over what "had gone right and what not so right"... Excuse me! If something was not so right, why am I finding out about this now!!!
So I thought i would leave it. Because, I've moved on and I'm strong. But ever so often it gets me. Well, not me totally. I mostly feel like I dodged a bullet - personally. But it gets me that my beautiful child will never have a brother or sister. I feel like I have let her down and I'm so sad at times.
And there is sometimes that nagging feeling in the back of my head that wonders why this didn't happen for me. Will of God and not meant to be - sure, but maybe if I talk to Dr D, she will tell me something I didn't know.
So I'll schedule a Skype with her. For "closure". But I pray that it doesn't give me a reason to keep trying to have a baby. As sad as I am for my child is as glad as I am for me to be able to get on with things. (Even though it means I have nothing very interesting to blog about for a while.)
Friday, February 17, 2012
I think it is time to let go a little
I'm really not a fan of the mayhem that comes with children... They are messy, they are sticky, they are loud and often whiney. They are unpredictable and I have no idea how they are able to find EVERYTHING that I have hidden away so they would not play with them! It's like they have a homing device. It is bizarre and weird how they find these things. Specific items that I have put away for a reason magically appear out of nowhere and most of the time I am too late to save the situation cause I've been blissfully doing my own thing, thinking I've hidden all the messy things away.
So yes, I am a control freak. An anal and uptight person who likes everything just so. How i survived with my one child is beyond me. How I could have survived with two is too scary to imagine. They say everything happens for a reason and I think it is true. Even though it seems terribly unfair that I didn't get pregnant, after everything I went through, I also think that it's for a reason. Don't get me wrong, it's maddening how infertility deals out its "blessing" randomly and unfairly. But in my case, I think that fate knew that I would crumble into a heap if I had actually been blessed with #2.
It drives me nuts that pen caps can never go back on the pens they belong to. Don't get me started about why toys can't be put back where they came from and in a neat and tidy manner. Why, WHY! do books get torn and pages wrinkled? And for gods sake, how the hell does food get everywhere - under furniture, on the floor, in crevices deep and shallow, in all sorts of wonderful places - everywhere!
But then they look at you with their amazed eyes and constant wondering about the world, about life and why things happen the way they do. The unblemished joy they feel about everything and their love for everyone and I have to take a moment to get a grip of myself, let go and enjoy it. The mess, the sticky surprises found in random places. The pictures drawn with pens with no caps and half torn stickers and glitter glue that has also found its way on my table. It is a blessing. An unpredictable and chaotic blessing and since I've only got one chance to enjoy it, I think it's time I let go a little and let it be.
So yes, I am a control freak. An anal and uptight person who likes everything just so. How i survived with my one child is beyond me. How I could have survived with two is too scary to imagine. They say everything happens for a reason and I think it is true. Even though it seems terribly unfair that I didn't get pregnant, after everything I went through, I also think that it's for a reason. Don't get me wrong, it's maddening how infertility deals out its "blessing" randomly and unfairly. But in my case, I think that fate knew that I would crumble into a heap if I had actually been blessed with #2.
It drives me nuts that pen caps can never go back on the pens they belong to. Don't get me started about why toys can't be put back where they came from and in a neat and tidy manner. Why, WHY! do books get torn and pages wrinkled? And for gods sake, how the hell does food get everywhere - under furniture, on the floor, in crevices deep and shallow, in all sorts of wonderful places - everywhere!
But then they look at you with their amazed eyes and constant wondering about the world, about life and why things happen the way they do. The unblemished joy they feel about everything and their love for everyone and I have to take a moment to get a grip of myself, let go and enjoy it. The mess, the sticky surprises found in random places. The pictures drawn with pens with no caps and half torn stickers and glitter glue that has also found its way on my table. It is a blessing. An unpredictable and chaotic blessing and since I've only got one chance to enjoy it, I think it's time I let go a little and let it be.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I have not left my apartment today and I think it was just what I needed. I had a morning tea to go to but had to cancel cause my darling daughter was sick. So we two spent the day bumbling around our flat. Her in front of the Telly and me in front of my laptop, catching up on my accounting and doing a bit of paying work too.
Got a call from the school letting me know that Leela's been accepted! So grateful that she starts this coming month. She needs to be busy and I've spoilt her terribly in the meantime.
So I have two weeks more with my child and then she's off to school. I should fill our time with lovely mother/daughter bonding. Which really just means that I'm her bitch and I've had just about enough of that already.
Will try harder to make our time more productive. To teach her and mould her and train her... Who am I kidding. I'm a slack ass mum and really, she'll just be my tag along these next two week with liberal time with Disney and Nic Jnr
Got a call from the school letting me know that Leela's been accepted! So grateful that she starts this coming month. She needs to be busy and I've spoilt her terribly in the meantime.
So I have two weeks more with my child and then she's off to school. I should fill our time with lovely mother/daughter bonding. Which really just means that I'm her bitch and I've had just about enough of that already.
Will try harder to make our time more productive. To teach her and mould her and train her... Who am I kidding. I'm a slack ass mum and really, she'll just be my tag along these next two week with liberal time with Disney and Nic Jnr
Monday, February 13, 2012
Happy Valentines Day...
You have to know that something is up when the love of your life returns home smelling like perfume. Women's perfume.
Yesterday i was bored. So bored that i was almost comatose with the boringness of my situation. And even in my boredom, i lacked the will to get my ass up and do something about it. Just happy to sit and be bored. So bored i wanted to scream. Feeling so bored and irrelevant with nothing ahead of me to plan for, to do or even to say. I suppose i did apply a tiny degree of effort to trawl through job listings on the internet in the hope that i would find something to inspire me and make me want to do something. Anything... I've even got a small amount of work to do for a new client so it's not like i have absolutely nothing going on. But still... yawn!
I hate to use my darling daughter as an excuse but having her around is keeping me from wanting to do anything. I have to get her into a school and then i'll feel ready. Maybe i'll feel so mindlessly bored by then that i will have to be ready to do something. But wait i must because i still have not heard if she has a spot in her school yet. and i should not complain. She is lovely and easy and has a sunny personality and i love her and enjoy her company.
But then, I could go to the gym... though having my child there could prove disastrous. I need to go to a pilates class... But seeing as i've asked my mum to watch her today, i don't want to push the limits. I've got a morning tea tomorrow... But i have to take darling daughter so won't be exactly how i'd like it.
i have to get her into a school so i can just be. It has been almost 3 months now with her as my almost constant companion. I wouldn't trade our time together for the world, especially now cause i know she'll be my one and only. But please... just some unfettered time for me to do my own thing, with no worry or stress that i have palmed her off on another person. No guilt that i'm trying to get rid of her. Just knowing that she is happy, learning, playing at school would just do me and her a world of good.
Back to the perfume. I should have known better, but i think my brain has been dumbed by my boredom. Or so bored, i could have cared less. He walked in the door, late, as always. I had gotten a new air freshener and he asked what smelled so nice in the house. Then when he gave me a kiss, i could smell it. Perfume. I was pretty sure it was woman's perfume too but in this day and age, it's hard to know. So i asked him. And he had a very cheeky grin on his face. I pestered him a bit. Nothing but a cheeky grin, a look that i knew something was up, but something that was harmless, i decided not to worry and go back to bed.
This morning, Valentines day, he surprises me with a little bag of Chanel, contained within, a box of Coco Mademoiselle perfume. Which is exactly what he smelled like last night. After years of giving no thought or celebration to Valentines day, he picks the perfect day to surprise me. And so i feel a little less bored today. A little more ready to go do something. A little less content to sit on my bum and watch the world go by. Surprise is better than boredom any day.
Yesterday i was bored. So bored that i was almost comatose with the boringness of my situation. And even in my boredom, i lacked the will to get my ass up and do something about it. Just happy to sit and be bored. So bored i wanted to scream. Feeling so bored and irrelevant with nothing ahead of me to plan for, to do or even to say. I suppose i did apply a tiny degree of effort to trawl through job listings on the internet in the hope that i would find something to inspire me and make me want to do something. Anything... I've even got a small amount of work to do for a new client so it's not like i have absolutely nothing going on. But still... yawn!
I hate to use my darling daughter as an excuse but having her around is keeping me from wanting to do anything. I have to get her into a school and then i'll feel ready. Maybe i'll feel so mindlessly bored by then that i will have to be ready to do something. But wait i must because i still have not heard if she has a spot in her school yet. and i should not complain. She is lovely and easy and has a sunny personality and i love her and enjoy her company.
But then, I could go to the gym... though having my child there could prove disastrous. I need to go to a pilates class... But seeing as i've asked my mum to watch her today, i don't want to push the limits. I've got a morning tea tomorrow... But i have to take darling daughter so won't be exactly how i'd like it.
i have to get her into a school so i can just be. It has been almost 3 months now with her as my almost constant companion. I wouldn't trade our time together for the world, especially now cause i know she'll be my one and only. But please... just some unfettered time for me to do my own thing, with no worry or stress that i have palmed her off on another person. No guilt that i'm trying to get rid of her. Just knowing that she is happy, learning, playing at school would just do me and her a world of good.
Back to the perfume. I should have known better, but i think my brain has been dumbed by my boredom. Or so bored, i could have cared less. He walked in the door, late, as always. I had gotten a new air freshener and he asked what smelled so nice in the house. Then when he gave me a kiss, i could smell it. Perfume. I was pretty sure it was woman's perfume too but in this day and age, it's hard to know. So i asked him. And he had a very cheeky grin on his face. I pestered him a bit. Nothing but a cheeky grin, a look that i knew something was up, but something that was harmless, i decided not to worry and go back to bed.
This morning, Valentines day, he surprises me with a little bag of Chanel, contained within, a box of Coco Mademoiselle perfume. Which is exactly what he smelled like last night. After years of giving no thought or celebration to Valentines day, he picks the perfect day to surprise me. And so i feel a little less bored today. A little more ready to go do something. A little less content to sit on my bum and watch the world go by. Surprise is better than boredom any day.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Really good.
Walked into the Raffles clinic today at 112 Katong to see if someone could take my blood. This was after my other appointment called and said there were running an hr and a half late so I cancelled that appt and decided randomly to see if the clinic could take it. A doc named Wenky or Wanky saw me. He seemed too nervous and young to really know anything medicinal. He had a weird vest over his doctors coat and a bvlgari ring on his finger - obviously his wife picked out the ring but not his vest. He seemed to know where the forms were and how to fill then out. Tried to make chit chat with his buck teeth and twitchy eye. I was very glad that a lovely nurse took my blood instead of the doc. She used a proper bandaid to cover the wound instead of the dodgy cotton ball with tape over it like they do in Sydney.
My last needle prick for hopefully a long time. Same drill everywhere. Arm over pillow. Velcro band over your upper arm. Stress ball in hand. When she asked if I had trouble with blood being taken and if I would faint, I laughed inside. I'm a pro at this! Give me a nice, sharp cold needle any day and I'll take it without batting an eye.
This clinic will get the results back in five days. I emailed Genea to say I had my period and would send the test results to them. They thanked me, said they were sorry it hadn't worked, reminded me I could contact them if I needed for counseling or whatever help they could give (code for 'hey, how bout you let us know when you want to spend more money with us...).
Walked out the clinic door and back to reality, free from this torturous situation of waiting, hoping and wondering. And it feels good. Really good.
My last needle prick for hopefully a long time. Same drill everywhere. Arm over pillow. Velcro band over your upper arm. Stress ball in hand. When she asked if I had trouble with blood being taken and if I would faint, I laughed inside. I'm a pro at this! Give me a nice, sharp cold needle any day and I'll take it without batting an eye.
This clinic will get the results back in five days. I emailed Genea to say I had my period and would send the test results to them. They thanked me, said they were sorry it hadn't worked, reminded me I could contact them if I needed for counseling or whatever help they could give (code for 'hey, how bout you let us know when you want to spend more money with us...).
Walked out the clinic door and back to reality, free from this torturous situation of waiting, hoping and wondering. And it feels good. Really good.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My uterus is about to unleash its lining and it's gonna be bad. I can feel it coming. Along with a headache and the finality that this cycle is over. Negative. The blood test tomorrow is merely a formality.
I am ok. Or will be. There really isn't anything else to be. Sure, I feel sorry for myself. For us. But we tried like we said we would. It didn't work but at least we tried.
There isn't much to feel sorry about, I suppose. So Leela won't have a brother or sister. She'll have to be content with us showering her with 100% of our love, expectations and finances - no sharing needed.
And instead of going back to poopy nappies, sleepless nights, pureed food and countless other ways a baby sucks the life out of you, we can go forward into the "easy" part of having a child, maybe even with some time for ourselves and a bit more cash in our pocket too (in the long run).
The world is at my feet and I don't have to wait anymore to figure out what I want to do. Once Leela is off to school, I'll be the boredest desperate housewife in the east. Time for something to happen and I don't have to include "but what if we have a baby" in any decision I make.
Hundreds of thoughts that wrongly or rightly are going through my head. Things like... Oh fuck, maybe it would have worked if I had tried harder or wanted it more. Or. Shit, we have no reason to get a helper and i really, really wanted one. Or. Damn it, what a waste of 2 months and $20k. Or. Just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps we should buy a car instead.
I suppose I need a day or two to mope and be sad for myself but don't let me catch you feeling sorry for me. What the hell, there will be none of that! Life goes on so let's just get on with it.
I am ok. Or will be. There really isn't anything else to be. Sure, I feel sorry for myself. For us. But we tried like we said we would. It didn't work but at least we tried.
There isn't much to feel sorry about, I suppose. So Leela won't have a brother or sister. She'll have to be content with us showering her with 100% of our love, expectations and finances - no sharing needed.
And instead of going back to poopy nappies, sleepless nights, pureed food and countless other ways a baby sucks the life out of you, we can go forward into the "easy" part of having a child, maybe even with some time for ourselves and a bit more cash in our pocket too (in the long run).
The world is at my feet and I don't have to wait anymore to figure out what I want to do. Once Leela is off to school, I'll be the boredest desperate housewife in the east. Time for something to happen and I don't have to include "but what if we have a baby" in any decision I make.
Hundreds of thoughts that wrongly or rightly are going through my head. Things like... Oh fuck, maybe it would have worked if I had tried harder or wanted it more. Or. Shit, we have no reason to get a helper and i really, really wanted one. Or. Damn it, what a waste of 2 months and $20k. Or. Just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps we should buy a car instead.
I suppose I need a day or two to mope and be sad for myself but don't let me catch you feeling sorry for me. What the hell, there will be none of that! Life goes on so let's just get on with it.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I am a princess and I know it.
Fact. I'm a princess. I'm well aware of that. I know I'm a spoilt and rotten princess but in case you couldn't tell, here are a few things that should have tipped you off.
1. I love coming home to a spotless house but then i'm immediately cursing the fact that the cleaner doesn't come every day.
2. I'd fly off to Bangkok only so I can stay at a fancy hotel that I've wanted to stay at for ages. Forget the cultural sights and sounds of a city. It is mainly for the hotel. But in my defense, there is $100 off per night at the moment and any real princess wouldn't give a fuck about the cost savings.
3. If I were to fly off to Bangkok, only Singapore airlines will do. But again, I would tolerate economy class, no real princess would.
4. I have an escapist philosophy. Friday is going to suck with bad news therefore I must escape to another country even though I have only just returned from another two month "holiday" of sorts.
5. I feel the need to throw myself down and thrash about and scream and yell about the unfairness of the situation... This could be a shorter tanty if i could escape to a fancy hotel in a different country. Or at least the furnishings would be softer, more luxurious and would drown out the sound better.
6. I'm giving up. No self respecting princess would put her body through what I have for the last two months (have a slave or minion do it for her, yes and off with their heads if it doesn't work... but put herself through it... I don't think so!) and damn it, I'm not gonna do it again! Or will I? Crap, a real princess wouldn't second guess herself, would she? So, NO, I will NOT put myself through any more IVF... Or would i?! Crap...
7. I resent the fact that my child's school isn't working itself out how and when I want it to. Now that fancy hotel - it has a fucking kids club so why would I not go there for a week!
8. I am more perturbed by the acne on my face than I am about not being able to procreate... Though I know the acne is from the drugs that are supposed to help me procreate and i still keep taking them! Goddam this vicious circle!
9. One of the best things about today and the last couple days has been that I haven't had to cook anything for myself. Although, having to go out and get the food would not cut it for a real princess. Which is why fancy hotels have room service!
10. If I like it, I'll buy it and if I can't you will never hear the end of it and I'll be bitter and twisted and pissed off about it. Kind of like paying to try and make a baby, not being able to and being bitter and twisted and pissed off about it!
So. I am a princess. I admit it and though the points above are not exhaustive and perhaps I've contradicted in a few areas, I am still more princess than slum dog. Though not one covered with rainbows, riding a unicorn and having everything magically fall into place for her in a flurry of pink and glitter. More like one that is a little pissed off because things haven't gone her way, wanting to escape but still desperately hanging on to the teeny tiny ounce of hope that she still has because it's not all really over yet. Not until the end of the week.
1. I love coming home to a spotless house but then i'm immediately cursing the fact that the cleaner doesn't come every day.
2. I'd fly off to Bangkok only so I can stay at a fancy hotel that I've wanted to stay at for ages. Forget the cultural sights and sounds of a city. It is mainly for the hotel. But in my defense, there is $100 off per night at the moment and any real princess wouldn't give a fuck about the cost savings.
3. If I were to fly off to Bangkok, only Singapore airlines will do. But again, I would tolerate economy class, no real princess would.
4. I have an escapist philosophy. Friday is going to suck with bad news therefore I must escape to another country even though I have only just returned from another two month "holiday" of sorts.
5. I feel the need to throw myself down and thrash about and scream and yell about the unfairness of the situation... This could be a shorter tanty if i could escape to a fancy hotel in a different country. Or at least the furnishings would be softer, more luxurious and would drown out the sound better.
6. I'm giving up. No self respecting princess would put her body through what I have for the last two months (have a slave or minion do it for her, yes and off with their heads if it doesn't work... but put herself through it... I don't think so!) and damn it, I'm not gonna do it again! Or will I? Crap, a real princess wouldn't second guess herself, would she? So, NO, I will NOT put myself through any more IVF... Or would i?! Crap...
7. I resent the fact that my child's school isn't working itself out how and when I want it to. Now that fancy hotel - it has a fucking kids club so why would I not go there for a week!
8. I am more perturbed by the acne on my face than I am about not being able to procreate... Though I know the acne is from the drugs that are supposed to help me procreate and i still keep taking them! Goddam this vicious circle!
9. One of the best things about today and the last couple days has been that I haven't had to cook anything for myself. Although, having to go out and get the food would not cut it for a real princess. Which is why fancy hotels have room service!
10. If I like it, I'll buy it and if I can't you will never hear the end of it and I'll be bitter and twisted and pissed off about it. Kind of like paying to try and make a baby, not being able to and being bitter and twisted and pissed off about it!
So. I am a princess. I admit it and though the points above are not exhaustive and perhaps I've contradicted in a few areas, I am still more princess than slum dog. Though not one covered with rainbows, riding a unicorn and having everything magically fall into place for her in a flurry of pink and glitter. More like one that is a little pissed off because things haven't gone her way, wanting to escape but still desperately hanging on to the teeny tiny ounce of hope that she still has because it's not all really over yet. Not until the end of the week.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I bloody feel like my life is on perpetual hold and uncertainty and I am over it!
I suppose I could see it as an opportunity to just fly by the seat of my pants and chill out and do very little but I am not that kind of person. I'm a planner and a doer. NOT a waiter ad a wonderer.
So another negative HPT at 4.45 am. I had a massive bowl of the best Chicken Pho for dinner and was busting by that time. I even used a branded stick to pee on. Still negative and as the days go by, it is looking more and more like we have flushed $20k down the toilet - literally.
I should not have tortured myself by starting POAS to early but now I can't stop. I think I'll go ignore the disappointment with a trip to Bangkok and let loose. I have to wait another week to find out about my darling daughter's school anyways so why the hell not!
Did manage to palm my child off for the morning and get my brows done. Later, I've promised her a mani and pedi so really, life is not bad. It's just all this blasted waiting!
I suppose I could see it as an opportunity to just fly by the seat of my pants and chill out and do very little but I am not that kind of person. I'm a planner and a doer. NOT a waiter ad a wonderer.
So another negative HPT at 4.45 am. I had a massive bowl of the best Chicken Pho for dinner and was busting by that time. I even used a branded stick to pee on. Still negative and as the days go by, it is looking more and more like we have flushed $20k down the toilet - literally.
I should not have tortured myself by starting POAS to early but now I can't stop. I think I'll go ignore the disappointment with a trip to Bangkok and let loose. I have to wait another week to find out about my darling daughter's school anyways so why the hell not!
Did manage to palm my child off for the morning and get my brows done. Later, I've promised her a mani and pedi so really, life is not bad. It's just all this blasted waiting!
Sigh...
I think this is the first time I have sat down by myself and put my feet up and relaxed since I got back! Heaven... Now all i need is for someone to bring me a nice cup of tea and a good book.
Forget the chaos that my house is still in. Forget my little chatterbox drowning out the quite (she is thankfully being bathed by the love of my life). Just forget it all and have some time to myself to do whatever I want to do (obviously I'm blogging but at least I can do it while lying down with my feet up). It may only be for 5 minutes but who cares. I'll take it!
Feeling crampy, a little sad, really tired. But it has been a fabulous weekend. Packed from end to end with wonderful activities. However, now that i've time to feel a bit sorry for myself, I think I will.
Took another HPT at 5am. Another negative. It is so depressing. Whose dumb idea was this!? Would have been better to wait til the end so that I could be ignorant a few more days. There is still a little bit of hope. A little bit. Maybe the cheapy POAS's are dodgy. Maybe it's too early. But did not stop me from having a cry at 9am watching my daughter make pancakes and thinking I would never have another one. And after all this, it's a devastating thought.
Anyways, I'll keep doing these silly early morning HPT's until I'm 100% sure it hasn't worked. And try to stay busy and cheerful and hopeful despite it all. Focus on what is great.
Like right now, laying down in peace and quiet. Sigh..... I think I'll go make myself that cup of tea.
Forget the chaos that my house is still in. Forget my little chatterbox drowning out the quite (she is thankfully being bathed by the love of my life). Just forget it all and have some time to myself to do whatever I want to do (obviously I'm blogging but at least I can do it while lying down with my feet up). It may only be for 5 minutes but who cares. I'll take it!
Feeling crampy, a little sad, really tired. But it has been a fabulous weekend. Packed from end to end with wonderful activities. However, now that i've time to feel a bit sorry for myself, I think I will.
Took another HPT at 5am. Another negative. It is so depressing. Whose dumb idea was this!? Would have been better to wait til the end so that I could be ignorant a few more days. There is still a little bit of hope. A little bit. Maybe the cheapy POAS's are dodgy. Maybe it's too early. But did not stop me from having a cry at 9am watching my daughter make pancakes and thinking I would never have another one. And after all this, it's a devastating thought.
Anyways, I'll keep doing these silly early morning HPT's until I'm 100% sure it hasn't worked. And try to stay busy and cheerful and hopeful despite it all. Focus on what is great.
Like right now, laying down in peace and quiet. Sigh..... I think I'll go make myself that cup of tea.
Friday, February 3, 2012
POAS/HPT at 5dp5dt for a BFN but hoping for a BFP or + beta by end of the week. Hope AF does not appear!
For those who may not be so familiar, these terms are all the rage in the fertility (or lack of) world.
POAS - Pee on a stick
HPT - Home pregnancy test
5dp5dt - 5 days past 5 day transfer (number change depending on the day and type of transfer)
BFN - Big fat negative
BFP - Big fat positive
+ positive
- negative
Beta - Quantitiative Beta HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) - the hormone produced in early pregnancy
AF - Aunty flo, your period, menstrual cycle
There are quite a few more of these but even i can't keep up!
So to decode my title. Peed on a stick at 5 days past 5 day transfer for a big fat negative but hoping for a big fat positive or positive blood test by the end of the week. Hope that my period does not appear!
This does show me that the pregnyl shot is out of my system. So if it stays negative, then a negative cycle. If it somehow, by some miracle, becomes positive later, then the blastocyst/s have implanted and are starting to produce their own hormone. But it doesn't tell how strong they are and if they will continue.
Having sleepless nights wondering about this. I'm waking every couple of hours. It is so unfair that some useless, irresponsible, horrible chicks sneeze and get pregnant and others, wonderful, beautiful women, deserving of children, find it so awfully hard to get knocked up.
Then, according to my doc, some dodgy, crappy, ugly blastocysts become beautiful, healthy normal babies and some perfect, wonderfully formed blastocysts amount to nothing and get flushed down the toilet along with the $10k it took to make them.
Which is why i think it's up to chance. To fate. To God or whomever you choose to believe in. To luck. To Karma. To wimsy. To what is written in the stars. To complete and utter insanity!
Well, i'm not going to be discouraged. I had gotten up at 3, peed. Drank a huge glass of water, then got up again at 5, busting and that's when i took the HPT. Not to mention, it's only 5dp5dt. A bit too early for a positive. And it was one of those two for one cheapie HPT which i'm suspicious about anyways.
Not going to give up hope. Just going to hang in there, stay busy and pray to God that he'll show me some mercy and bless me with a positive Beta and baby. Or that i'll just get on with life if this is negative because, really, just thinking about it, i really don't want to do this again...
POAS - Pee on a stick
HPT - Home pregnancy test
5dp5dt - 5 days past 5 day transfer (number change depending on the day and type of transfer)
BFN - Big fat negative
BFP - Big fat positive
+ positive
- negative
Beta - Quantitiative Beta HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) - the hormone produced in early pregnancy
AF - Aunty flo, your period, menstrual cycle
There are quite a few more of these but even i can't keep up!
So to decode my title. Peed on a stick at 5 days past 5 day transfer for a big fat negative but hoping for a big fat positive or positive blood test by the end of the week. Hope that my period does not appear!
This does show me that the pregnyl shot is out of my system. So if it stays negative, then a negative cycle. If it somehow, by some miracle, becomes positive later, then the blastocyst/s have implanted and are starting to produce their own hormone. But it doesn't tell how strong they are and if they will continue.
Having sleepless nights wondering about this. I'm waking every couple of hours. It is so unfair that some useless, irresponsible, horrible chicks sneeze and get pregnant and others, wonderful, beautiful women, deserving of children, find it so awfully hard to get knocked up.
Then, according to my doc, some dodgy, crappy, ugly blastocysts become beautiful, healthy normal babies and some perfect, wonderfully formed blastocysts amount to nothing and get flushed down the toilet along with the $10k it took to make them.
Which is why i think it's up to chance. To fate. To God or whomever you choose to believe in. To luck. To Karma. To wimsy. To what is written in the stars. To complete and utter insanity!
Well, i'm not going to be discouraged. I had gotten up at 3, peed. Drank a huge glass of water, then got up again at 5, busting and that's when i took the HPT. Not to mention, it's only 5dp5dt. A bit too early for a positive. And it was one of those two for one cheapie HPT which i'm suspicious about anyways.
Not going to give up hope. Just going to hang in there, stay busy and pray to God that he'll show me some mercy and bless me with a positive Beta and baby. Or that i'll just get on with life if this is negative because, really, just thinking about it, i really don't want to do this again...
Day two in Singapore
I've put in a bit off effort after getting home today and my house is starting, only starting to look like yobbo's don't live here. I've had a fabulous day. Though i really need to cut up my credit cards and only carry cash with me.
Bought 8 HPT's, two of which are digital and are supposed to tell you how pregnant you are. For $20 a pop you'd hope they'd tell you the sex of the child! But anyways, I'll use these two fancy ones next Fri and Sat and maybe that will give me a good idea of how viable it is. The other ones were cheapies. They were on sale 2 boxes for $20 (and 2 in each box so really 4 for the price of one) i'll start that tomorrow morning and just see what happens. Just also realised that i'm a dumbass and even though i was fully aware of the sale, i only got 3 boxes! Wtf...
Though, i always seem to have problems with these things. Peeing on a stick should not be difficult. You pee... on a stick. It can't be that hard! But for some reason, and i've peed on a hellova lot of sticks in my procreating years, for some reason, i have trouble. Bad aim, not enough, whatever! It always ends up messy... I shall say no more.
So came home to make dinner and darling daughter insisted on making jello. Luckily i had a box in the pantry and we made it together but somehow i managed to screw it up. I mean, who screws up making Jello! I was using the "normal" method and midway, ended up using the "quick set" method so now i have no idea if it will work. I mean, if you know it's gonna set more quickly, why wouldn't you just use that method all the time and not bother with printing two methods of making jello on the box!
Then went on to dinner which was going to be risotto only cause i checked the fridge. i happened to have all the ingredients. Well, i thought i did. But only half of what i needed of arborio rice. So i added basmati (risotto purists would be horrified!) but it turned out ok, thanks to the dried porcini. By the way. Get a microplane. Go and get one. Well, mine is a bootleg Scanpan version of a microplane. But i love it! Oh and another tip. Cheap Pecorino is NOT like real italian parmesan.
And by the way, a big pat on the back to me for actually cooking dinner two nights in a row. I'm just as surprised as anyone else...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Pre nesting nesting...
I'm pre nesting nesting and it's bad. I haven't even finished unpacking and there is crap everywhere! But i can't seem to help myself. Every room in my house just seems not quite right and i'm moving beds around and trying different things in the hopes that i'll feel a bit more at ease. Probably not the best thing to do, seeing as heavy lifting is supposed to be a no no, along with coffee and sex. But i've ignored all of this in line with my why stress it philosophy... And I doubt there is much that will settle me. Not until i get the results in anyways.
Waiting for next week to see if my darling daughter has gotten into her school of choice and i'm praying she does because she has not annoyed me so much as since we've been back. Probably cause i have things i think i need to do and she keeps interrupting. When on holidays, i really had nothing to do but hang out with her. But the poor thing maintains her cheerfulness, even under duress.
My quest to find a place for my blood test is proving interesting. Called a fertility clinic just in case i thought i'd do another cycle if this were negative. I tried to explain that i wanted someone who could do my final blood test, then if positive, deliver the baby or if negative, start me off on a new round of IVF. But they didn't quite get it and said to call back once i know it's a positive test.
The reason i want a blood test is so that i can know how high the HCG hormone is so that i know how viable it is. Peeing on a stick won't tell you that. And i don't want to wait for 3 weeks to get the results of my blood test cause seriously, that is how long it took last time! I have actually had positive tests 3 out of my 6 cycles but 2 were too low to amount to much and 1 was my precious child.
So after a bit of calling around, i've found an OB that can do the test but won't have the results until the next day. I suppose that is better than nothing and she is just up the road from me so it would be really convenient for me if it were positive. The other place i called was going to take 4 working days. Do they NOT see the significance of these tests!? Like the entire direction of my life depends on this test, and they just don't get it!
But anyways, no need to stress. I've booked an appointment for Friday the 10th because you can't just rock up and get a blood test. You have to consult with the doctor first.
I've been doing the numbers and even with the added cost of accommodation, we did end up saving SGD$6.5k on doing 2 cycles in Australia vs 2 here in Singapore (because the first one didn't involve any accommodation costs). This does not include my shopping ;)
If we need to do more cycles, it probably would not save us much to do it in Oz again, because of the accommodation issue. Also looked at Thailand which would cost about the same as doing it in Singapore, except that the clinic there is affiliated with Genea so might have the same protocols, cultures and all that.
Anyways, back to my pre nesting nesting. God, i pray that this is positive cycle and if it isn't that i can accept it and get on with life like we had planned.
Waiting for next week to see if my darling daughter has gotten into her school of choice and i'm praying she does because she has not annoyed me so much as since we've been back. Probably cause i have things i think i need to do and she keeps interrupting. When on holidays, i really had nothing to do but hang out with her. But the poor thing maintains her cheerfulness, even under duress.
My quest to find a place for my blood test is proving interesting. Called a fertility clinic just in case i thought i'd do another cycle if this were negative. I tried to explain that i wanted someone who could do my final blood test, then if positive, deliver the baby or if negative, start me off on a new round of IVF. But they didn't quite get it and said to call back once i know it's a positive test.
The reason i want a blood test is so that i can know how high the HCG hormone is so that i know how viable it is. Peeing on a stick won't tell you that. And i don't want to wait for 3 weeks to get the results of my blood test cause seriously, that is how long it took last time! I have actually had positive tests 3 out of my 6 cycles but 2 were too low to amount to much and 1 was my precious child.
So after a bit of calling around, i've found an OB that can do the test but won't have the results until the next day. I suppose that is better than nothing and she is just up the road from me so it would be really convenient for me if it were positive. The other place i called was going to take 4 working days. Do they NOT see the significance of these tests!? Like the entire direction of my life depends on this test, and they just don't get it!
But anyways, no need to stress. I've booked an appointment for Friday the 10th because you can't just rock up and get a blood test. You have to consult with the doctor first.
I've been doing the numbers and even with the added cost of accommodation, we did end up saving SGD$6.5k on doing 2 cycles in Australia vs 2 here in Singapore (because the first one didn't involve any accommodation costs). This does not include my shopping ;)
If we need to do more cycles, it probably would not save us much to do it in Oz again, because of the accommodation issue. Also looked at Thailand which would cost about the same as doing it in Singapore, except that the clinic there is affiliated with Genea so might have the same protocols, cultures and all that.
Anyways, back to my pre nesting nesting. God, i pray that this is positive cycle and if it isn't that i can accept it and get on with life like we had planned.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Hormonal in Singapore (doesn't quite have the same ring to it)
So, so glad to be home! It has been almost two months since i left Singapore and getting back here is wonderful. My own place with all my own stuff. SO happy that when i walked into the house i burst into tears for the joy of it.
My darling husband picked us up from the airport but we weren't home for even an hour before he packed up and headed off to work again. I was not terribly impressed. Whatever visions i had of being pampered by a loving husband who missed me walked out the door with him. Totally forgotten his absenteeism. So much more forgiveable when you're both in different countries! I think i'll just pretend he's out of the country. And again, we do need the next few days to get used to being around each other again.
Left to my own devices, i managed to blow the electricity in the entire apartment around 9pm. Too buggered to care, i took myself off to bed and woke around 11.30, steaming in my bed! Thankfully G came home not too long after that and figured out all that was needed was for the guard to come and unlock a circuit board out by the lifts and flip it on again. Hooray for air conditioning in this hot and humid country!
Now it's back to life as i used to know it. Driving from the airport, i felt like i had arrived at my holiday destination, rather than returning from a 2 month hormonal holiday. Lush and green, the island looks beautiful.
But after waking this morning and realising that being home also means cooking, cleaning and getting on with life, it's a little bit of a downer. My house is a disaster. Darling daughter, excited as me, has managed to drag out all her toys from every corner. Random things, little itty bits that are now strewn here, there and everywhere. Add to that the 4 bags i brought back with me (i was not idle in Sydney... their retail market is thanking me) that have to be unpacked and stored away somewhere. There is laundry everywhere, dishes in the sink, just stuff everywhere, it's driving me crazy!
And silly things that boys don't notice (i'm generalizing and i know it's wrong, but maybe if you think i'm just talking about my boy it won't seem so bad). Like, the box of laundry soap that i bought in case he ran out while i was away has not moved from where i left it! Mold covering the inside of my clothes washer (although he says he's done wash since i've been gone...). Where the hell is the toilet paper?! And soap by the sink to wash your hands? Mysterious disappearances... All sorts of odds and ends in the fridge, also from before i left, that has not been touched, turned different colours, smelling kind of funky. Oh and an entire bag of recycling that could have been taken out during the two months that i was away.
But in his defense, the house was spotless (maybe a little help from our cleaner?). And it's really not his fault that there's a big deadline at work. And it is so nice to have him around when he is. Who else would i make coffee for in the morning and pick up dirty clothes for.
All this is great, though because it keeps my mind off the obvious and will make the days pass quickly until the results are known. G said we should get like 20 HPT (home pregnancy tests) and start testing now. It'll be positive at first cause of the Pregnyl injection but that should drop off in 10 days. Then it should be come negative. Then if it goes positive again, we'll know i'm pregnant.
But i think I need to find a doc to do my blood tests. I want to know how high the HCG levels are so i know how viable it is or isn't and i can't decide if i find one that is a fertility specialist so in case it doesn't work, i can just do another cycle here. It'll cost us $15k but now that i've done two cycles, it seems silly to give up. But then i do think i could be happy and get on with life either way. It's just that IF we decide we want to go for it again, then we could.
Anyways, i better got clean myself up so i'm ready for a ladies lunch and playdate. Gee i love it here!
My darling husband picked us up from the airport but we weren't home for even an hour before he packed up and headed off to work again. I was not terribly impressed. Whatever visions i had of being pampered by a loving husband who missed me walked out the door with him. Totally forgotten his absenteeism. So much more forgiveable when you're both in different countries! I think i'll just pretend he's out of the country. And again, we do need the next few days to get used to being around each other again.
Left to my own devices, i managed to blow the electricity in the entire apartment around 9pm. Too buggered to care, i took myself off to bed and woke around 11.30, steaming in my bed! Thankfully G came home not too long after that and figured out all that was needed was for the guard to come and unlock a circuit board out by the lifts and flip it on again. Hooray for air conditioning in this hot and humid country!
Now it's back to life as i used to know it. Driving from the airport, i felt like i had arrived at my holiday destination, rather than returning from a 2 month hormonal holiday. Lush and green, the island looks beautiful.
But after waking this morning and realising that being home also means cooking, cleaning and getting on with life, it's a little bit of a downer. My house is a disaster. Darling daughter, excited as me, has managed to drag out all her toys from every corner. Random things, little itty bits that are now strewn here, there and everywhere. Add to that the 4 bags i brought back with me (i was not idle in Sydney... their retail market is thanking me) that have to be unpacked and stored away somewhere. There is laundry everywhere, dishes in the sink, just stuff everywhere, it's driving me crazy!
And silly things that boys don't notice (i'm generalizing and i know it's wrong, but maybe if you think i'm just talking about my boy it won't seem so bad). Like, the box of laundry soap that i bought in case he ran out while i was away has not moved from where i left it! Mold covering the inside of my clothes washer (although he says he's done wash since i've been gone...). Where the hell is the toilet paper?! And soap by the sink to wash your hands? Mysterious disappearances... All sorts of odds and ends in the fridge, also from before i left, that has not been touched, turned different colours, smelling kind of funky. Oh and an entire bag of recycling that could have been taken out during the two months that i was away.
But in his defense, the house was spotless (maybe a little help from our cleaner?). And it's really not his fault that there's a big deadline at work. And it is so nice to have him around when he is. Who else would i make coffee for in the morning and pick up dirty clothes for.
All this is great, though because it keeps my mind off the obvious and will make the days pass quickly until the results are known. G said we should get like 20 HPT (home pregnancy tests) and start testing now. It'll be positive at first cause of the Pregnyl injection but that should drop off in 10 days. Then it should be come negative. Then if it goes positive again, we'll know i'm pregnant.
But i think I need to find a doc to do my blood tests. I want to know how high the HCG levels are so i know how viable it is or isn't and i can't decide if i find one that is a fertility specialist so in case it doesn't work, i can just do another cycle here. It'll cost us $15k but now that i've done two cycles, it seems silly to give up. But then i do think i could be happy and get on with life either way. It's just that IF we decide we want to go for it again, then we could.
Anyways, i better got clean myself up so i'm ready for a ladies lunch and playdate. Gee i love it here!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Last needle!
Hooray! This ordeal is officially over - kinda. I stuck in my last needle tonight. It's the 2nd shot of Pregnyl which will help maintain my lining. Last time I had that horrible crinone gel twice a day. Ew yuck! So I asked for the Pregnyl this time and now I'm done.
So all there is to do is wait and wonder. An absolute mental game of back and forth. To and fro.
Right now, I'm good. I have options on either side so if I just stay away from the crappy thoughts like if it doesn't work, I've wasted a ton of money. Or if it does work, what if I can't hack being a mother of two. Truthfully, the thought of it scares the crap out of me! But if it doesn't work, will my darling daughter live a sad a lonely, siblingless life?
And then there's all the things I should and should not do right now like soft cheeses, coffee, deli meat, hot baths and on and on.
So! Here is what I am doing. I know I owe it to us to do everything that I can but if it's a choice between being relaxed and happy vs being anal and uptight, I'm gonna take the relaxed option. In my heart I just feel like it's more of a case of 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...' after everything, I've seen and read and heard of so many things that there is no rhyme or reason to procreation. It's random and for people like me, painfully unfair.
There are a few little weird things I'm doing. Mostly based on traditional Chinese Medicine that I did with Leela last time)
Eating pineapple
Avoiding wheat and dairy - not religiously, but just not making them main parts of my diet - I don't stress too much about this
Sticking with warm foods and away from icy cold things - apparently staying warm is important - and again, I'm not terribly strict on this.
Putting a slightly warm hot bean bag on my belly - again, with the warm theme.
And that's about it.
And now I'm so happy to be going home to the love of my life and settling back into a normal routine and not living out of a suitcase... Though I was tempted when someone mentioned an apartment in Paris for two months at $1000 euros a month. But I suppose if I'm counting my pennies, I'd pick Italy over France any day.
So all there is to do is wait and wonder. An absolute mental game of back and forth. To and fro.
Right now, I'm good. I have options on either side so if I just stay away from the crappy thoughts like if it doesn't work, I've wasted a ton of money. Or if it does work, what if I can't hack being a mother of two. Truthfully, the thought of it scares the crap out of me! But if it doesn't work, will my darling daughter live a sad a lonely, siblingless life?
And then there's all the things I should and should not do right now like soft cheeses, coffee, deli meat, hot baths and on and on.
So! Here is what I am doing. I know I owe it to us to do everything that I can but if it's a choice between being relaxed and happy vs being anal and uptight, I'm gonna take the relaxed option. In my heart I just feel like it's more of a case of 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...' after everything, I've seen and read and heard of so many things that there is no rhyme or reason to procreation. It's random and for people like me, painfully unfair.
There are a few little weird things I'm doing. Mostly based on traditional Chinese Medicine that I did with Leela last time)
Eating pineapple
Avoiding wheat and dairy - not religiously, but just not making them main parts of my diet - I don't stress too much about this
Sticking with warm foods and away from icy cold things - apparently staying warm is important - and again, I'm not terribly strict on this.
Putting a slightly warm hot bean bag on my belly - again, with the warm theme.
And that's about it.
And now I'm so happy to be going home to the love of my life and settling back into a normal routine and not living out of a suitcase... Though I was tempted when someone mentioned an apartment in Paris for two months at $1000 euros a month. But I suppose if I'm counting my pennies, I'd pick Italy over France any day.
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